


Candy (널 아끼는 그 사람)

by Dyed_Memoirs



Category: Red Velvet (K-pop Band)
Genre: Angst, Angst and Tragedy, Comfort/Angst, Coming of Age, Death, F/F, Fluff and Angst, Friendship, Gen, Minor Character Death, OT5 Friendship, Other, Slice of Life, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide, Tragedy, based on a real tragedy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-07
Updated: 2018-06-20
Packaged: 2019-05-19 06:30:12
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 24
Words: 100,012
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14868524
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Dyed_Memoirs/pseuds/Dyed_Memoirs
Summary: A Sewol Ferry TributeIt all started back in mid-March—the start of the spring rains. The skies were also gray and gloomy that day, with rain giving no signals of ceasing whatsoever. But that's when they got to know each other. A fateful meeting with a bittersweet ending. A wonderful and cherished friendship that will never be forgotten.*Loosely based on 2014.4.16. Sinking of SeWol Ferry. (I will not use the name "Sewol" in the story, but there will be scenes based on the tragedy.)





	1. Rain (비)

**Author's Note:**

> -Dedicated to Mr. "Bling Bling", the lost stars out in the sea, and all the lonely dreamers.-
> 
> Some scenes are inspired by my/my friends' life experiences. This story is very near and dear to my heart, because a lot of my thoughts and feelings will be incorporated into this story.
> 
> This story will tackle topics such as friendship, growing pains, moving on, loneliness, regret, school-life pressure, loss, suicide, death, and tragedy.  
>  
> 
> (Crosspost from AFF)  
> Full completed story: https://www.asianfanfics.com/story/view/1327179/

#  **Pre-Epilogue**

**Rain**

**비**

 

It was raining. Drops masked the silence with the sounds of irregular taps—a beat in time with the cacophony of nature. There was no rhythm; there was no melody. Yet it was definitely not silence. As distracting as the sound was, it was pleasant in its own way. Sometimes silence could be more deafening than the sound of raindrops—so deafening one could even lose her own mind. In fact, that was how it felt for Bae Joohyun. There was a comfort and a calmness in the tapping noise that she found difficult to explain. If it wasn’t for the rain, she would not be sitting this still. If it wasn’t for the rain, she would have most certainly lost her mind.

On that gloomy monsoon in the middle of the year, Joohyun’s appetite, her will to get up from bed, and her smile had all vanished. She wanted to be alone, and that was all she had been up to all day. Amidst the despair looming over the empty room that day, a soft purple blanket nuzzled her in a warm embrace. Her bed carried her as she lay; her pillow supported her head. A stuffed bear wearing a blue hoodie adoringly watched over her from the chair in the corner as it leaned its head against the wall. Joohyun glanced back at her inanimate bear friend, but had to look away immediately. She could not hold her gaze for too long.

After a while, she left the comfort of her bed and grabbed the long blue umbrella hanging on her clothes rack. Without thinking much, she just ran outside out of a whim. The young lady ran and ran as fast as her small feet could carry her—not bothering to put up the umbrella she brought with her _._  The splashing with every sprint did not bother her; the falling drops soaking her clothes did not concern her one bit. With heavily breathing lungs and a rapidly beating heart, her small figure plopped on a bench under the shelter of a lone bus stop. There she stayed and sat ever so still, listening to the comforting dissonance—listening to the rain. The taps distracted her from the chaos of her thoughts. The sounds masked the beating of her distraught heart. Even though she was at a false sense of peace, it was better than no peace at all.

Suddenly, a flash of light… a clap of thunder… The lone girl gasped and accidentally dropped her blue umbrella. For a while she stared at the blue umbrella lying on the floor, and then she looked up toward her again. The view of the road before her seems to be turning into a blur. At that moment, the barriers got broken; all her sadness flowed out as tears from her beautiful, yet sorrowful eyes. With a blink, pellets of liquid crystal rolled down her cheeks; some clung to her long, curved eyelashes. She heavily breathed in the cool air, and released it all with a long sigh. Yet no matter how much she tried to catch her breath, the rain in her heart continued, just like the unending shower from the skies. Through the blur, figures slowly started fading, and down at her feet a blurred face formed by lights came into view from the puddles of water…

_Don’t disappear… Please stay…_


	2. Baby Bear (곰돌이)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The entire story is a flashback to events prior Pre-Epilogue.

#  **Chapter I**

**Baby Bear**

**곰돌이**

 

It all started back in mid-March—the start of the spring rains. The skies were also gray and gloomy that day, with rain giving no signals of ceasing whatsoever. It was a start of a new season and a new year for Joohyun, who had recently found a new part-time job. She was on her way back to the university library before heading home. Unfortunately, she forgot to bring an umbrella that day. Now she was stuck at the very same bus stop, trapped by an enclosure of falling condensation from the sky.

 _Ugh, why didn’t I bring an umbrella?_ she thought as she stood there. People had come and gone, yet she remained.  _Should I just run for it and get soaked in rain water? Should I wait longer? The rain might subside a bit if I wait, won’t it? I… I think…?_

Bae Joohyun was born and raised in the third largest city in South Korea: Daegu. She was a university student, and a rather excellent one as well. For her third year in university that year, she had transferred to Seoul (the capital of South Korea) for better internship opportunities. It was her very first time living in Seoul. Dreams of being an announcer—may it be a newscaster on TV or a DJ on the radio—drove her to chase her dreams all the way up north to the big city. Daegu was a big city as well, but Seoul was  _even bigger._  All the well-known broadcasting companies had their main headquarters in Seoul, so it was a better choice than staying in her hometown down south.

Unfortunately, chasing those dreams came with some consequences. Life was not easy. Sometimes she found that Seoul was too big of a city for her. Prices were higher, so she needed a lineup of part-time jobs here and there to make sure she did not end up broke. She also got confused with the transportation often. The difference between the simplicity of Daegu’s subway map and the complexity of Seoul’s subway map was too big. Also, whenever the southerner said something, everyone would stop and look twice because of her strong Daegu accent. No matter how hard she tried to “fix” her accent, people could still tell that she was not a Seoul girl at all, because she wasn’t. She was a daughter of Daegu all her life. Although she missed her home, she could not turn back now. She needed to push through. She wanted to push through. So up there in the cold city, the lonely dreamer just wanted this gloomy rain to stop and end even just a little bit of her misery, so she can get out of this bus stop, and move on with her life.

 _How long do I have to wait here? …_ and it was silent for who knows how long, with nothing but the beating of the drops all around the lone girl…

…until a squeal. “Ah, the rain hits hard today!”

At that time, Joohyun had no idea why, but her gaze drifted to a certain young fellow. A younger girl, dressed in what seemed to be a high school uniform underneath her yellow jacket, had just gotten off a bus. She tried to put up her long, blue umbrella but seemed to had gotten into a tiny predicament. Her umbrella appeared to have gotten stuck somehow, so she quickly ran over to Joohyun’s side underneath the shelter of the bus stop. From her side, Joohyun could get a better view of her: the girl had her hair in a neat ponytail; had a slim, athletic figure; and was slightly taller than Joohyun. (Joohyun was a petite woman.)

“Ugh, it’s stuck,” the high school girl said as she kept tugging on the runner of her umbrella.

Joohyun readjusted her black baseball cap to cast more shadow on her curious eyes. Looking too interested in this child’s little predicament was the last impression she wanted to make. Dealing with strangers had never been one of her strengths. This introverted soul had always been too shy to make conversation with people she barely knew. For that reason, during the past few weeks she has been living here, she still has not made any friends. She had acquired an irrational fear: “Conversing with Seoul strangers never turn out well.” She did not want to talk for fear that her accent might cause misunderstandings. One time, a coffee shop employee thought she was mad, when in fact she was not mad at all. And so with that one experience alone, she thought some might not take her seriously and find it hilarious that she would use unconventional phrases and expressions. Because of that, she would rather not say anything if she was not required to. Maintaining a quiet, mysterious façade made it easier for her to keep her unreasonable social anxiety to herself.

“Wendy!” the girl with the yellow jacket began talking on her phone. “I think I broke your umbrella… yeah… okay… The weather is no joke today…”

Then there was a clap of thunder. Joohyun let out a squeaky sounding shriek and jumped like a little bunny. She had always been the type of person who was sensitive to surprises. Thunder and lightning were especially a personal dislike. Loud noises made her jumpy, horror movies made her tense, and anything else that popped out of nowhere freaked her out. It was like she was on pins and needles every second of her life. Realizing she showed a bit of her true colors to this stranger beside her, Joohyun glanced at the high school girl for a while and immediately looked away. The girl was staring at her now. Her unintentional embarrassment has caused this, and there was no looking back. Then, as if that thunder was not bad enough, there was a sudden tap on Joohyun’s shoulder.

“Excuse me?”

Joohyun felt her body tense up again, but realized it was just the high school girl. This was her one of her biggest fears—small talk from a random stranger. She knew it was about to come, but what could she do? The girl had already tapped her shoulder. There was no looking back now.

“Yes…?” Joohyun slowly made a stiff turn to face the inevitable. Contrary to her anxious imaginations, it wasn’t so bad after all. She was greeted by a sweet, kind face, with captivating mono-lid eyes, and soft, rounded cheeks—the kind of face that spelled “ADORABLE” in big, capital letters. She was not a Korea’s Top Model type of beauty; she was Korea’s natural, young and carefree beauty, and Joohyun thought it beautiful all the same.

“Are you waiting for a bus?” the girl asked Joohyun, whom has breathed out a sigh of relief.

Dumbfounded by the allure of this young fellow, Joohyun answered, “No…”

“No?” The girl’s eyebrows went up as she continued staring at Joohyun.

After becoming aware of her awkwardness, Joohyun internally cursed herself in second person.  _You are at a bus stop._   _That’s where you wait for buses, Joohyun._  Then she tried to make up for it by uttering, “I, I, I meant, no—I didn’t bring an umbrella, so…” Joohyun answered in a low, almost inaudible voice. Because of her shy personality, she had unconsciously made up a different voice that she reserved only for strangers and for people she was not close to. It was softer, more cautious, and the words came out slower than her normal manner of speaking. She also tended to stutter when the Daegu accent wanted to come out but she tried too hard to hide it. None of it was helping.

“Oh, my umbrella is broken too, so I guess we’re both stuck here,” the girl responded with a sheepish chuckle. “The weather forecast says this crazy rain won’t end anytime soon.”

The rain was no laughing situation, but Joohyun awkwardly smiled as well. She noted the high school girl’s adorable, genuine smile, for her eyes curved up like crescents, and it looked very cute and charming.  _She seems so innocent_ , Joohyun thought. Here she was grumbling about how she did not have an umbrella, while this bubbly high school kid just laughed off the situation. It was too cute.

But then there was silence between them again. Although Joohyun thought the high school girl was purely a happy-go-lucky tyke, she also had bouts of awkward silences. The girl stood there absent-mindedly fumbling with her blue umbrella and shifting her gaze from one direction to the other in boredom. Since the sudden break of awkward silence felt even more painful, Joohyun cleared her throat and said in her soft voice, “Um, a-aren’t you supposed to go home? Your parents could be worried.”

“I’m actually going to the nearby university library to study for college entrance exams. I borrowed my older brother’s ID so I can get in. I usually just walk from here, but it doesn’t look good today,” the girl replied, smiling again. Before silence fell again, she went on, “But,  _Unnie_[1], if you’re not waiting for a bus, where are  _you_  going though?” She seemed really concerned, even though Joohyun was nothing but a stranger to her.

“I am going to the same library,” Joohyun told her stiffly. “I go to that university.”

“Really?!” the girl exclaimed. After a while, she looked at the pouring rain and sighed. “What do we do about this rain now…”

“I actually thought of making a run for it.” Joohyun said that as a statement—not a suggestion. She did not want to be the cause of whatever illness this child might contract if she gets soaked in the city’s dirty rain water.

Alas, the lass took it too seriously. “Should we? Let’s go! We don’t really have a choice anyway.” Judging by that response, maybe Joohyun was right after all: this kid really was a happy-go-lucky tyke. Then the girl went on, “Have you seen the movie ‘ _Classic_ ’[2]? Let’s just do it like the way they did in that movie. When we see a bit of shelter, we’ll rest, and run fast again! That way, we wouldn’t be so soaked. I also have a jacket we can share too, just like that movie!”

The way she childishly said those cheesy movie references with enthusiasm made Joohyun cringe.  _I shouldn’t have given her ideas,_ Joohyun thought as she bit her lip in regret _._

Despite Joohyun’s uneasiness about this whole situation, the next thing that happened was exactly like a cliché movie scene from another romantic chick flick. The teenager grabbed Joohyun’s hand, and together they sprinted, dashing from roof to roof with the yellow jacket as their shield—exactly like that movie. And exactly like that movie, they were both laughing. The puddles were splashing, their white sneakers were all wet and muddy, and they were breathing heavily under the dark gray sky. Joohyun had never felt exhilarated in ages. It was fun—young, stupid fun. She missed being like that. She missed having the audacity to run carefree without being too self-conscious about what other people thought. She used to have fun like that too, before she had hidden too deep in her shell. It was a result of taking her future too seriously, and her desire to do well and be mature.

Competition in Korea is no joke. She had to be her very best at literally everything possible to be recognized for her efforts. As a result, she had forgotten her youthful days. Maybe it was time that she let herself loose a little and stop being so constrained…

After running around the campus, the two finally stepped into the huge building. People came and went, some professors were having a short chat, and some students were inquiring by the information desk. The first floor of the library building was not necessarily a library; it was more of a spacious open lounge with a coffee shop and a snack bar. The books, computer rooms, and study tables were in separate areas of the building.

“That was fun!” Joohyun exclaimed with her raw, exuberant voice, not caring about her Daegu accent echoing throughout the lounge. Grinning from ear to ear made her look and feel younger. This pubescent rush felt like a taste of freedom.

With a big childish laugh, the high-school lass held up her yellow jacket and exclaimed, “It was, wasn’t it? Look, my jacket is all wet!”

That day, the happiness on the high school girl’s face while showing off her drenched yellow jacket was forever engraved in Joohyun’s memory. The curves of her eyes, her cheeks, and her smile—all were captured like a photograph for safe-keeping in Joohyun’s head. The animated way the girl flailed her arms in sheer laughter and the sound of her high-pitched hearty giggles were so animated—like a lovable children’s cartoon. A drenched jacket was not something anyone would usually be happy about, but the girl’s child-like innocence was contagious. She was just so precious. After seeing that smile on her face, how could anyone feel bad about anything? Her clumsy movements and childish expressions reminded Joohyun of something, but she could not put a finger on it.

With her “motherly instincts” kicking in, Joohyun took out a handkerchief and proceeded to wipe the girl’s wet cheeks with it. Joohyun had the tendency to be responsible and caring to those who were younger than her. It made her seem like a mother sometimes. As she was wiping the girl’s face, she thought,  _Wait, I just met her. Isn’t this kind of weird?_ Oddly, the girl did not seem to mind Joohyun babying her. She even looked at Joohyun and gave her a cute little grin, showing off the dimple by the side of her chin.

“There’s a coffee shop here in the library building… Should… Should I buy you a warm drink?” Joohyun asked. She had no idea what went into her mind at that time. She was kind of broke; she could not even buy herself anything from that coffee shop’s overly priced menu. Despite that, she decided to buy the girl a drink anyway. Something about the high school kid just really made her want to treat the girl nicely.

“Oh no,  _Unnie,_ it’s okay,” the girl politely refused.

“Are you sure? I feel bad that your jacket got soaked. Besides, I owe you for helping me get here.”

The girl looked up the ceiling, thinking whether to accept Joohyun’s offer or not. After a moment, she sheepishly grinned and said, “Well,  _I am_  kinda hungry.”

And that was when Joohyun finally got it:  _this girl—she looks like a baby bear! Like Winnie the Pooh! The yellow jacket, the happy-go-lucky personality, the hunger for sweet things, the awkward bouts of spacing out—it’s absolutely accurate!_ Joohyun looked at the baby bear twice and giggled to herself.

After ordering their drinks, the two girls sunk into the comfy leather sofa of the coffee shop. There they sat side by side.

“Hmm… This is nice,” the girl mumbled after sipping a bit of her frappe.

“It’s nice, right?” Joohyun sweetly looked to the teddy-bear-like girl with a smile, forgetting about her expenses. After a while, she just realized something: she never asked for her young friend’s name. She had been with her all this time, ran under the rain with her, and even bought her a drink, yet she never knew her name! “What’s your name, by the way?”

“Oh yeah, my name!” the girl exclaimed, also realizing that they both had not properly introduced themselves to each other yet. “My name is Kang Seulgi. I’m a high school senior.”

“Ah, Kang Seulgi,” Joohyun repeated, engraving each syllable into her memory for safe keeping.  _Kang Seulgi…_  Saying her name was just like sipping into her cup of hot chocolate: the bubbly sweet softness of the whip cream tickled her lips, and the warmth of the decadent chocolate gave her comfort. Joohyun never thought this day would be any special, but meeting a new friend reignited the joy in her heart. It was like she met the younger sister she never knew existed. It was heart-warming. It was sweet. “It’s very nice to meet you, Kang Seulgi. I’m Bae Joohyun. You can call me Joohyun Unnie.”

Seulgi chuckled as she continued staring at Joohyun’s face. Then she shyly uttered, “ _Unnie_ , you’re pretty.”

Joohyun was caught off guard. Seulgi had said it out of nowhere, and for some reason, the compliment flustered her. “Um, thanks?”

This was not the first time Joohyun has heard that compliment. She has met guys before (not on a date or anything, but just meeting them in general) and she knew very well the odd effect she had on them. Her proportionally small face, bright almond-shaped eyes, pale face, and jet-black hair was the beauty standard, yet she could not comprehend why. Some guys could not even look her in the eyes, but sometimes, the braver ones would tell her all that she had heard many times before. They would say things like “You have beautiful eyes,” or “Your face is so small and perfect,” and even “I heard girls from Daegu are real beauties, and I guess it’s true with you.” It may be easy to think that the girl who has been called “pretty” so many times was living in heavenly bliss, but in fact, she had gotten used to them to the point that it irked her a bit. _All they ever talk about is my damn face, like it was all I ever had to offer…_

Seulgi crouched to place her cup on the coffee table and added, “And I think you’re very nice too. It’s not every day that I get to meet a kind and pretty  _unnie_ like you. Thank you for treating me to coffee.”

“You’re welcome, Seulgi.” Joohyun affectionately patted Seulgi’s head. As much as compliments on her appearance were nice, she found compliments on her efforts and personality more heart-warming.

Now it would not be fair if she did not compliment the cutie-pie, so Joohyun went ahead and told Seulgi what was on her mind this whole time, “You’re very cute, like a little sister. Has anyone told you that you look like a baby bear?”

“A baby…bear?” Seulgi glanced at Joohyun and blinked once or twice before slowly shaking her head.

“Well, Seulgi, you do!” Joohyun said with a nasal snicker before sipping more of her chocolate. She genuinely felt happy talking to Seulgi. After being lonely for a while, it felt nice to joke around with someone. Although they just met, Joohyun already felt a slight kinship with the bear. Seulgi just went along with the older girl’s little comment and awkwardly laughed with her.

For a while, neither of them said anything to each other and just silently sipped their drinks. Then Seulgi started again, “So, what are you studying here in university?”

“Me? I’m a Mass Media and Communications major specializing in broadcasting journalism,” Joohyun replied. “I want to be an announcer someday, but I guess I have to work really hard to do that.”

“Sounds cool,” Seulgi said, nodding her head while swirling her frappe.

“What about you, Seulgi? What do you want to do after graduating high school?” Joohyun asked.

“Hmm… I think I want to be an artist. I’m good at drawing. I really like trying new things too. I’m really not sure yet, but there’s so many things that I want to do,” Seulgi answered after thinking for a while. Then she coyly added with a chuckle, “Maybe I should study for my college entrance exams first, or my midterms, before I think about those things. I’m not the best at studying, but I’ve resolved to try my hardest this last year. It’s not easy for me though.”

Joohyun knew that feeling. She had been in that situation before. The caring  _unnie_ ran her hand up and down Seulgi’s back and encouragingly said, “Cheer up. I think you can do well. If you want, maybe I can help you out a little this evening.”

“Oh, no, Unnie, you could be busy…,” considerate Seulgi tried to refuse. “Besides, you’ve done a lot for me already.”

“I usually study alone, but you can come study with me. I really don’t mind,” Joohyun insisted.

“Can I really?”  _Seulgi’s fickleness was just too adorable._

“Of course, you little bear,” Joohyun said with a chuckle.

Joohyun and Seulgi studied together for the rest of the afternoon. Whenever Seulgi did not understand anything, she would shyly ask Joohyun for help. The kind and caring Joohyun would patiently read the lessons and explain them to her. Since Seulgi had a difficult time with technical terms, Joohyun got pretty creative with her explanations, making her hidden “mischievous” personality shine. The way baby bear’s eyes adorably lit up every time she understood made Joohyun feel so happy and proud.

“Thank you so much, Joohyun Unnie. You explain everything so well.”  _Ah words that drip like honey…_

Although she helped Seulgi a lot with her studies that afternoon, Joohyun barely worked on her own set of college assignments. She was so distracted by Seulgi the entire time. Even when Seulgi was quietly reading passages on her own, Joohyun would sit there observing the bear instead of reviewing her notes. As Joohyun sat across the bear on the study table, she wondered,  _I don’t really get anything out of this—heck, I can’t even concentrate on my own studies because of her—but why do I feel so… happy?_

* * *

 

[1] 언니 - Older sister (used by girls to respectfully refer to older girls)

[2] Movie reference: _클래식_ (2003)


	3. Dumb Dumb (바보야)

#  **Chapter II**

 

**Dumb Dumb**

**바보야**

 

A day after meeting Joohyun at the bus stop, Kang Seulgi sat in one of those uncomfortable wooden armchairs, nervously fumbling with her pen. Her gaze darted from one corner of the classroom to another, eventually landing on the girl with brown hair sitting on her right. Seulgi quickly looked away again and began scratching her head. Down on her desk were cheap photocopies of potential exam content, and an answer sheet for marking answers. The longer Seulgi stared at the characters on those papers, the more they start to look like a foreign language. _What do they all mean? Who knows? But more importantly, who cares?_   _I know I studied hard yesterday, but this! I didn’t study for this particular set of questions!_ The time was ticking, and the silence was too frustrating. The longer she watched the clock hands tick and tock around the enclosed circle, the slower and louder everything seemed. Back to that student with the brown hair…

“Psst, Wendy. Son Wendy. Wendy Son,” Seulgi whispered to grab the girl’s attention.

Without saying anything, the girl beside her—named Wendy Son—jerked her head to Seulgi’s direction, making her fringe swish to the side.

“Wendy, I need help—”

Wendy waved her hand sideways while making a scrunched-up expression on her very animated face. Her big, round eyes looked fiery; her puckered lips looked too uptight. _Shut up,_ that was what it meant. She then turned away from Seulgi and continued reading through her own set of photocopied exam questions.

Seulgi turned away from her classmate Wendy and quietly cursed to herself. She bit her lip hard, brought her face closer to the exam paper, and reread it again. All the effort of squeezing out content from her throbbing head was totally useless. _Why is it that no matter how hard I study for this thing, I am still so dumb?_

Kang Seulgi, the “happy-go-lucky bubbly baby bear” that Joohyun had described was in fact, not as happy-go-lucky as she seemed to be. For one thing, she had never been the class genius. Although that never bothered her back then, as a senior in high school, it bothered her now more than ever. What if she never passes her college entrance exams at the end of the year? What if she never gets into college? What if she becomes a big failure all her life? Will she just live in the streets and beg for food? Should she just work as a waitress in some restaurant somewhere forever? _No, no, no, no, no…_ Her grades needed to go climb up a mountain starting this year, and it felt like that mountain was more insurmountable than Mount Everest. If a practice exam was already crushing her soul, what will the real thing do to her? Destruction, death, chaos… No, she did not want to think about it, yet those thoughts kept lingering beside her like a dead ancestor with unfinished business.

“Time is up! Please hand over your answer sheets,” the teacher finally said. Seulgi quickly just checked random answers and handed her paper as soon as she saw the teacher standing right by her spot. The strict-looking man eyeballed Seulgi past his reading glasses and grimaced before snatching the answer sheet from her. “Class is dismissed.”

Seulgi ungracefully sprawled down on her armchair and childishly flailed her arms before holding her aching head again. She groaned and whined until she felt someone lightly tap her head.

“Seulgi, stop. Let’s go,” said the sharp voice of someone standing by her right. Seulgi looked up and frowned at her friend Wendy before lazily grabbing her beige backpack. Wendy helped the bear up and said, “You can’t ask people for help during a quiz or any other type of exam! What if you get caught? What if _I_ get caught? You’ll fail that way, and _I’ll fail that way!_ That’s a big no-no!”

“Whatever…,” Seulgi muttered. “You’re lucky. You’re the smart one.”

Seulgi’s best friend, Wendy Son, was _the_ class genius, an exchange student from Canada. Seulgi’s family became Wendy’s host family (as part of the student exchange program) during their freshman year. They basically lived together and had a very close sister-like relationship. They leaned on each other for a lot of things and always stuck by each other’s side like inseparable siamese twins. Wendy knew Seulgi’s childish tendencies, clumsy awkwardness, and even Seulgi’s subconscious fears. If anyone knew Kang Seulgi, it was definitely Wendy Son.

The moment the two of them stepped out of the classroom, a fellow taller than either of them had her arms swung over their necks, gave them both a playful chokehold, and exclaimed, “There you are, you two losers!”

“Ack!” Seulgi yelped in discomfort. She did not try to fight the arm choking her neck though. Seulgi has always been passive, even when she gets angry, frustrated, or irked sometimes. She may try to fight—maybe once in a blue moon—but she never could give it her all. This was Seulgi—a harmless soul. Her best-friend Wendy even described her as being “too soft.” She thinks Seulgi could get into a lot of trouble for never standing up for herself. Nevertheless, being “too soft” was her charm though. That charm made her lovable. That was why she never had enemies, except maybe her older brother.

“Ow, Soo-Young, cut it out!” Wendy squirmed until the taller girl finally let the two of them go.

“Soo-Young, how come your classes always end so early?” Seulgi asked, the taller girl’s arm still hanging loosely on her shoulders.

“I’m just luckier than either of you,” the tall girl, referred by Seulgi and Wendy as “Soo-Young,” proudly proclaimed with a toss of her bob-cut hair. Seulgi grimaced and Wendy just rolled her eyes.

Suddenly, a geeky-looking young man holding a notebook and a pencil went up to the three girls, fixed his round glasses and asked, “Good afternoon, Seulgi _Sunbaenim_ **[1]** _,_ Wendy _Sunbaenim,_ our class is conducting a survey on—”

Soo-Young, who was actually in the same class as that boy, impatiently sighed and rudely interrupted, “Go away. Nobody cares.” The freshmen were taking surveys around the school campus as their assignment, so a lot of other students had been doing this lately.

The boy shut his mouth and walked away dejectedly, making Seulgi and Wendy feel bad for the guy. Seulgi frowned, mumbling, “Poor kid…,” yet at the same time she wondered how in the world Soo-Young had the guts to be so direct like that.

Meanwhile, Wendy, who had moral values implanted in her system, faced Soo-Young and said, “Yeah, nobody cares, but you could have been a little nicer—just a little nicer!”

Park Soo-Young, one of Seulgi’s very few friends, lived next door to Seulgi’s house and went to the same high school, but was two years younger. Tall and pretty with cute short hair and bangs, Soo-Young seemed innocent at first glance.

However, Seulgi and Wendy would never describe her as a sweet innocent angel—the opposite, in fact. Although younger, she was a “spunky brat”—as the two would say. With little regard for the Korean _“sunbae_ **[2]** culture” (wherein respect for seniors is a must), Soo-Young treated her two senior _unnies_ as if they were just the same age as her. She only did so to feel closer to them, because she absolutely loved them. Soo-Young adored both Seulgi and Wendy, although she enjoyed being a prick to them. The two older girls cannot go up against her—literally, because of her height—and sometimes, they even kind of feared her, because she can be brutally honest with her words sometimes. She also liked playing jokes and small pranks on them to get on their nerves. She only annoyed them to gain their attention, and Seulgi and Wendy often gave that attention to her.

Annoying as she was, she also had a fun side and a sweet side that Seulgi and Wendy found adorable. Also, due to the age gap, Soo-Young had unusual insights that Seulgi and Wendy found helpful at times. They think she’s crazy, yet they do value her opinion on things. Both of them consider Soo-Young as a very close friend.

After school, the triad would usually either go to _hakwon_ **[3]** or hang out at Seulgi’s house. Today, with the insistence of Soo-Young, they all just decided to ditch _hakwon_ for the day and just bake cookies at Seulgi’s house.

The three of them lived in a peaceful neighborhood in Ansan, just by the outskirts of Seoul. Seulgi pretty much lived here with her parents and her older brother all her life. Her parents both work long hours downtown in Seoul, so she ended up spending a lot of time alone with her annoying brother, even though she did not want to.

But then, a few years ago, Wendy came to live with them through the student exchange program. At the same time, Soo-Young moved into the house next door. Then just months ago, her older brother enlisted for the military. This made Seulgi very happy. It was like the heavens finally answered her prayer of replacing her crazy brother with sisters. Although truth be told, sometimes, she did miss her brother and their little arguments, but she has convinced herself that she was happier this way.

The moment the triad stepped in the house, Soo-Young immediately ran to lie down on the sofa of Seulgi’s living room. Her parents were also not home yet at this hour, so she preferred to stay with her two _unnies_. “Ah, this sofa is the best. Way better than the one in our house.”

“You barely even _live_ in your house. You’re always here at our place,” Wendy said as she placed all their shoes in the shoe cabinet by the door.

“Yeah well, I love Seulgi Unnie’s house. I love hanging out with you both.”

“You should move in with us then! You can sleep on the sofa!” Wendy said as a joke.

Suddenly, Soo-Young’s phone received a message. “Parents said I need to come home a little early and take out the frozen chicken from the fridge for dinner. I’ll probably leave a little later. By the way, Seulgi Unnie _,_ aren’t you going to study at the library today? Or you’ll just study in your room?”

“Well…,” Seulgi who had been idly standing with her backpack still on her back, glanced at Soo-Young’s lazy figure on the couch. That practice exam earlier ruined her confidence. Studying, or not studying—is there really a difference? _I’m too tired. I don’t want to go,_ she wanted to say. _I just want to take a break for now. I don’t want to think about the exams. I don’t want to think about my future._

“You should rest, Seulgi,” Wendy told her as she took Seulgi’s backpack off her back for her. “You’re probably tired.” Seulgi sat down by Soo-Young’s foot on the sofa, just dumbfounded at Wendy’s telepathic powers. It was like this Canadian sister from another mother always knew what she was thinking.

“So, I guess you’re not going today…,” Soo-Young muttered and continued fumbling with her phone. “Well, you can just loaf around and watch TV with me. Have you seen the newest episode of—”

Suddenly, Seulgi let out a childish yell and flailed her arms and legs in frustration. “How am I supposed to do well?!”

“Jeez, how old are you? Don’t throw a tantrum, you big baby,” Soo-Young chaffed.

“Hey, hey, if you truly want to go, nobody is stopping you,” retorted Wendy.

Seulgi took a deep breath and exhaled as she leaned back and sunk down on the couch before answering. “I know. I was just frustrated with myself, that’s all. I really, really want to do well in my college entrance exams at the end of the year. I really do. But I don’t know what to do. I’m so bad at everything!”

Soo-Young sat up and said, “You’re the one who’s literally good at singing, dancing, drawing, sports, and being cute, and you dare say you’re bad at _everything?_ Unnie, you’re literally good at _everything_!”

Wendy then pushed Soo-Young to the side so she could sit between the two on the sofa. “You can do it, Seulgi. I believe in you. Think of it this way. If your stupid brother can get into university, you can do it too!”

Seulgi just chuckled at Wendy’s little pep talk. _Yeah, my brother is pretty dumb, but he got into college,_ she thought.

But then something else popped up in her head. _“Cheer up. I think you can do well.”_ The kind, pretty _unnie_ she met at the bus stop said that to her yesterday. _What was her name again? Bae Joohyun, was it? She was very nice._ Seulgi could not help but remember her. She remembered how Joohyun Unnie was easily scared of thunder. She remembered how beautiful Joohyun’s pale face was, and how her big, pretty eyes resembled dark pearls. She remembered how fun it was to run under the rain with her, and how wet her jacket was afterwards. And best of all, she remembered how Joohyun treated her to a frappe and chatted with her with an adorable accent. She even explained to her a thing or two about that one lesson she didn’t understand—which unfortunately did not show up in today’s quiz. _“Cheer up. I think you can do well,” Joohyun Unnie said. She was so sweet. I wonder if I’ll ever meet her again?_

To lighten up the drab atmosphere she caused, Seulgi then sat up and crossed her legs on the sofa and said, “Oh yeah, yesterday, I had a really interesting trip to the library.”

“What? You broke my umbrella and got soaked in rain, so your dad had to pick you up at midnight?” Wendy guessed. Seulgi came home very late from studying last night so she did not get to talk to Wendy about it when she got home.

“Yeah, well, that happened,” Seulgi coyly said, “But in the middle of that, I met this really nice unnie. I went down from the bus and tried to open the umbrella, but it wouldn’t budge. So, I went to the bus stop and there was this girl wearing a black baseball cap right there beside me. Suddenly, there was lightning and thunder and she got so startled, she literally jumped up and made a very funny sounding squeal. She seemed easily startled, she reminded me of you, Soo-Young.”

Soo-Young frowned. “Some people are just easily startled like that. It’s embarrassing.”

And so, Seulgi continued the story of her and Joohyun running to the library and studying there together. Throughout her whole tale, she probably mentioned how sweet and pretty Joohyun was more than ten times. Apparently, Joohyun had left a big impression on Seulgi just by buying her a drink and studying with her. The bear loved food and nice people; she truly did. “She was so nice. I wish I would only meet nice upperclassmen like her when I get into university.”

“Yeah right. _If_ you get into university,” Soo-Young scoffed, earning herself another glare from Wendy. “Er… which of course, wouldn’t be a problem if you study well.”

“She also told me I looked like a baby bear. It was really out of nowhere,” Seulgi continued.

“A baby bear?” Wendy and Soo-Young said simultaneously. After a few giggles, Soo-Young said, “Well, now that you mention it, you do look like a bear!”

“OMG,” Wendy exclaimed, suddenly cupping her friend’s gentle countenance with her hands. “She does, doesn’t she! Look at how her ears stick out, and her sweet face!”

Seulgi sat there dumbfounded again. “Do I really…?”

The rest of the afternoon was spent just randomly talking and watching mindless television. A little later, a sweet aroma wafted through the entire house. Wendy whipped up a batch of freshly-baked, homemade chocolate-chip cookies. The Canadian loved to bake, and the other two loved to eat. Seulgi especially brightened up every time she had a bite of Wendy’s sweet goodies. Food always made Seulgi happy, and Wendy’s cookies gave her extra happiness. She usually enjoyed watching Wendy do her magic as much as she enjoyed eating the magic. They were soft; they were decadent; they were a delight. Seulgi and Soo-Young highly recommended having “Queen of Baking, Wendy Son” (a nickname made in reference[4] to a well-known Korean drama series) open up her own bakery someday, which wasn’t a bad idea.

“I don’t know if bears like cookies, but I made them bear-shaped!” Baker Wendy proudly exclaimed as she presented the cookies to the two girls.

Soo-Young just laughed and said, “We’re going to be eating Seulgi Cookies.”

“I should have left out the part about being called a ‘baby bear’ earlier,” Seulgi mumbled.

As they ate, Soo-Young changed the topic and said, “Oh yeah, Wendy Unnie, you mentioned the other day that you wanted to work part-time for extra pocket money, right? My cou—”

“Oh yeah, actually, you guys,” Wendy said, totally cutting off Soo-Young. “I saw this bakery downtown the other day, and they’re hiring part-time on weekends and are accepting high school students. Should I try or nah?”

“Well, you’re pretty good at baking, so I don’t think they’d have a good reason to not hire you,” Seulgi said after drinking a bit of soy milk.

Although Soo-Young was interrupted earlier, she went along with the conversation anyway. “I think it’ll be cool. You should give us discounts when you get hired.”

“You literally live off Seulgi’s house for free, and you eat my cookies for free, Soo-Young,” Wendy said side-eyeing Soo-Young again. “Believe me, you don’t need any more discounts.”

“I was just kidding, sheesh. But truthfully speaking, I think you should give it a try. You gotta have experience with the business if you plan on setting up your own bakery someday.”

“Right? Yeah, I should probably go inquire about it this weekend.” Baker Queen Wendy’s smile went from ear to ear, “I hope I get the job!”

“Anyway,” Soo-Young said, getting back to what she wanted to tell Wendy earlier, “My little cousin—you all know Yeri, right? I’ve mentioned before that she is moving to London with her family in the summer. Well, her mom is wondering if you could teach her English—just conversations and phrases and stuff—before she leaves. Nothing too hard for you, right?”

Wendy stopped chewing on her cookies; her eyes grew twice as wide. “Yeri? That annoying kid?! But...”

“Oh, come on, she’s not _that_ annoying,” Seulgi said with an amused chuckle. “I can’t believe she’ll be leaving though. You’ll miss her, won’t you Wendy?”

“I probably will miss her, but isn’t teaching her, um, I don’t know, a terrible idea?” Wendy said, unafraid to voice out her discomfort.

“They’re paying you,” Soo-Young said as she nonchalantly dusted off the crumbs on her hands. “You can do it any time you’re free. Think about it.”

While the other two were talking about the English lessons, taps were soon heard from outside. It was raining again. As Seulgi sipped on the soy milk Wendy prepared with the cookies, her thoughts began to drift to Joohyun again. It was about this same hour yesterday that she saw Joohyun standing all alone without an umbrella. _Did she bring an umbrella this time? Is she safe indoors right now? I sure hope she is._

“I should probably go home,” Soo-Young said, interrupting Seulgi’s train of thought. Soo-Young walked over to Seulgi’s front door and grabbed the long blue umbrella Seulgi had with her yesterday. “Can I borrow this?”

“Oh, no, that’s broken,” Seulgi said. “It’s the one I used yesterday. It’s stuck and won’t open up at all.”

Without saying anything, Soo-Young examined the umbrella with a skeptical look on her face. After finding the button that releases the umbrella open, she easily pressed it, and the umbrella automatically opened with a loud swish. Her eyes grew twice its size in shock before looking back at Seulgi. “You said it was broken!”

Seulgi, who was just as surprised as Soo-Young was, had her jaw hanging. “I-I… Y-yesterday I—”

Wendy faced Seulgi and shook her head. “You didn’t press the button, didn’t you?”

“I thought you had to put it up by doing this—,” Seulgi explained by making pulling motions in the air.

Wendy and Soo-Young began laughing. The poor, naïve little bear could not comprehend the embarrassment she was in. She honestly thought the umbrella was broken all this time!

“No, you dummy,” Wendy laughed and grabbed the umbrella from Soo-Young to show Seulgi how the thing works. “You push the blue button and it swings upward on its own!”

Realizing her own failure, Seulgi messed up her hair in embarrassment and cried, “I am such an idiot!”

* * *

 

[1] 선배님 – respectful term for calling an upperclassman

[2] 선배 – upperclassman

[3] 학원 – private learning institution; similar to a tutoring class

[4] Drama Reference: _제빵왕_ _김탁_ _구_ ( _King of Baking, Kim Takgoo_ ) (2010)


	4. Making Ends Meet (알바생)

#  **Chapter III**

 

**Making Ends Meet**

**알바생**

(Part-Time Worker)

 

That same afternoon, Joohyun sat on a chair and laid her bag on the desk right in front of her. She was surrounded by nothing other than shelves of books on library and archival science, and there was no other human being around. This was her secret spot. Nobody really came to this area of the library often (unless it was exam period) except her. Information science, archival science, and library science all have nothing to do with her major, but since this area was always quiet and empty, she preferred to come here. Here she could be all alone. She could concentrate on her studies, maybe think of life for a bit, and sometimes, even fall asleep here without anyone noticing.

“I’m so tired,” she sighed and gently laid her head on the desk. She closed her eyes for a few minutes, but then sat back up and patted both her cheeks. “Snap out of it, Joohyun, you’ve got to do this.”

Joohyun only had a couple hours to study for a bit before heading to her next class. Her schedule was tight, maybe more constricting than her skinny jeans at times. She had classes during the day and an internship in the evening. Weekends were a similar story. On weekend mornings, she worked as a cashier at a bakery, and on evenings she worked as a waitress at a Chinese restaurant. She did not have any time for rest on weekends either.

What about meals? She usually had little time for those. So, she often took a sandwich or whatever she could buy from the convenience store, and snack on them during her free time or while studying in the library. Although a set meal time did not exist for her this new semester, she still made sure to eat whenever she can. Skipping meals were never an option for her. She still strived to be somewhat healthy by not starving herself, and her appetite would never let her fast for too long. So then, she took out a triangle _kimbap_[1] and a carton of milk. The _kimbap_ was unwrapped and the carton was torn open. _Please bless this meal…_

Joohyun took out her textbooks and notebook and began flipping pages while munching on her _kimbap._ After a while, she stopped flipping and just sat still for a while. At that moment in time, everything seemed to have frozen in place. She was not moving; nothing was moving. If it were not for the ticking hands on her wristwatch, there would have been an illusion of time standing still for every moment she stopped moving. _If time could actually stop flowing so that I can rest for a while, that would be great,_ she thought. Then she continued flipping through her textbook.

Life was rather lonely, but Joohyun was used to it. She had always been the mysterious cold beauty—so quiet, yet so stunning—like an unmoving image of a superstar. Other than her good genes, her unequalled introversion earned her that nickname. Even during her first year of college (when it was mostly about the socials: drinking parties, overnight “membership training”[2] retreats, and club activities) she barely did any socializing. She was not the most outgoing lass; she tended to avoid those socials whenever she could. Besides, college kids drink a lot of beer in most socials, and she never liked beer. She just preferred to study alone and work hard on her assignments to maintain her reputation as a straight-A student. Because of that, it was hard for people to approach her. Because of that, she barely had any friends.

_I didn’t really get to study much yesterday, because Seulgi kept asking me for help. I wonder if my time with Seulgi helped her out a bit with her studies. I sure hope so...,_ Joohyun’s thoughts wandered on. She really enjoyed meeting Seulgi and thought of her all through last night. Seulgi made her smile—made her laugh—made her forget about all her troubles. It has been a long time since she felt genuinely happy like that. _I guess I’ve been quite lonely for a while._

The rest of the day was not particularly interesting. She studied for a while and then went off to work on her internship at a broadcasting station. At the end of the day, she flopped herself down on the bed of her dorm room with a sigh. It was one long day. _Tomorrow will be another long one, I suppose._

_***_

Saturday came and soon-to-be “Baker Queen” Wendy headed off to apply for a part-time job at the bakery she was talking about a few days ago. She got up before daybreak that day just to bake a fresh batch of red velvet cupcakes as a sample for the bakery owner to try. _They’re baked with love. The boss shouldn’t be disappointed!_ she thought to herself. Although the amateur has zero experience at a real bakery, she wanted to show that she already has a lot of knowledge and skill for the job. It was her passion after all—to bring love and happiness through these sweet delights.

This little sweet-heart, Wendy Son, grew up in Ontario, Canada, and spent most of her days dreaming of visiting Korea. Why Korea, you ask? Korea is her parents’ homeland. Korea is the land of her descent. She was actually born in Seoul, but her family moved to Canada when she was still very young to even remember anything about her motherland. When she found out that her school was hosting an exchange program sending students to certain countries (including South Korea), Wendy knew she had to grab the opportunity immediately.

Wendy neatly placed four cupcakes in a small container and set it aside. She actually baked twelve cupcakes—the rest is for Seulgi and her family, and maybe even Soo-Young, just in case Soo-Young decided to visit. Although she did not have many connections in Korea, she always thought of Seulgi’s family and Soo-Young as her own little family. Her warm, thoughtful personality brought everyone lots of blessing as well. Her rosy outlook on life made her loveable. Although a top-notch student, she was also humble, so Seulgi’s and Soo-Young’s parents often liked to compare their child to her. Seulgi and Soo-Young found that annoying at times, but they still love her.

By 8 a.m., Seulgi was still sleeping, so she left a small note on the fridge for her. _“Seulgi, I left some cupcakes for you! Baked them with love. Share some with Soo-Youngie.”_

With high hopes and an excited heart, Wendy left the house that bright, sunny morning with her cupcakes in hand. The bus ride took about an hour minutes that day—an hour too long. The anticipation made her want to burst. Her little dream was so close; she could already taste the sweetness of it.

Before she came to Korea and met her two best friends, she did not know what to do with her life. She never really thought of making sweet pastry for a living, but after all the encouragement from her friends Seulgi and Soo-Young, a dream had culminated in her. Unlike Seulgi, Wendy had no plans on going to college, so she was not studying hard for the college entrance exams. (Although she probably could ace her exams if she wanted to pursue college in Korea.) Now that she could potentially be hired, a whole new realm of possibilities was opened to her. She could practice here and maybe get into culinary school after high school. _Oh, the future is so bright; it is blinding!_

Finally, the bus stopped and she hopped off, but when she got there, she found that the doors of the bakery were still closed.

“Huh? It seems I got here early,” Wendy mumbled to herself as she stood before the steel shutter. “ _The Red Bread_ is a decent name for a bakery though…”

As Wendy was standing before the rolling shutter, she heard a soft voice—almost like a whisper—from behind her.

“Um, excuse me…,” said the voice. When Wendy turned around, she saw a girl with long black hair and a pale, pretty face, staring back at her without even trying to hide the confusion in her beautifully cold eyes. The girl awkwardly smiled and bit her lip before holding up a set of keys and adding, “I need to, uh, open up shop.”

Wendy’s eyes grew twice their size; her mouth turned into the shape of an O. “Oh gosh, I’m sorry!” Wendy felt chills run down her spine. _Is she the owner? My future boss? Goodness gracious, she’s so young and pretty! And I just blocked her path! Oh, hell no, this can’t be real right now! Okay, wait, calm down, Wendy, you can do this!_

The lady slightly bowed to Wendy and went ahead to unlock the rolling shutter from the ground.

“Are you perhaps the shop owner?” Wendy asked.

The lady raised the shutter half-way before responding. “No, I work here part-time.”

“Oh,” Wendy said with a sigh of relief. “I saw the wanted ad the other day and was wondering if I could apply for a job during weekends.”

Once the lady was done raising the shutter and unlocking the glass door, she said with a hint of her Gyeongsang Province accent, “The shop owner usually doesn’t come until 10 o’clock on weekends.”

“I can wait,” Wendy said with determination.

The lady stared at Wendy with a skeptical look on her face. “Are you sure? That’s about an hour from now.”

“Yes,” Wendy said that rather stiffly, like she was unsure of herself either, but her determination to get this job was stronger than her doubts.

“Okay…” The lady opened the glass door and escorted Wendy inside the small bakery. It was quiet and dark until the lights flashed open. “Welcome.”

Inside the little bread shop was a small wonderland of vintage décor and dainty bread boxes and baskets. The shop usually did not open until 10:30 a.m. on weekends, so most of the stock were still either off-display or yet to be baked. Wendy marveled at the unfurnished state of the place. Her round eyes were filled with life and glistened at the sight of what went down behind the scenes of the bread business’s preparation. She had never been to a bakery during off-business hours before.

“What’s your name?” asked the lady who worked at the bakery, interrupting Wendy’s brief moment of wonder.

Wendy then enthusiastically began to introduce herself. “My name is Son Wendy. Please call me Wendy.”

The lady’s stare did not waver and asked, “Hmm… _Wendy?_ ” A foreign name. “Where are you from? How old are you? You seem to be very young.”

“I’m from Canada and I’m currently a high school senior,” Wendy shyly said. But then her tone became filled with drive again, “But I assure you I can be reliable with this job!”

The other girl chuckled at the sight of Wendy’s sudden shift of mood. It was the first time Wendy saw her smile. The smile did not help though. Wendy still felt uneasy and began to enumerate all the possible reasons why she would chuckle at her words. She could have chuckled because she found her strange, ridiculous, and what not. That chuckle could mean _anything._

As the black-haired beauty was tying her working apron on her back, Wendy pointed to her name tag and said, “You’re Miss… Bae Joo Hyun…?”

The lady looked down on her name tag and said, “Ah, yeah, that’s my name. You can call me Joohyun Unnie.”

After her brief introduction, Joohyun told Wendy to take a seat somewhere at the small dining area quickly got to work. She began unwrapping previously baked bread and neatly laying them on counters, defrosting stored cakes, placing pre-prepared dough in the oven, and rearranging displays. Wendy felt bad that the lone _unnie_ had to do everything herself, so Wendy went up to Joohyun and asserted that she would lend a helping hand. Although Joohyun did not want to ask for help, she could not do much about Wendy’s insistence. It was difficult to stop someone with so much desire to show kindness. If this was to increase chances of getting hired, she was doing it wrong, because Joohyun probably had no say in who gets hired in this bakery. But no, Wendy was not doing this to demonstrate her hardworking attitude; she was purely doing this out of her pure considerate heart. With the help of Wendy, Joohyun finished the set up earlier than when she would do it alone.

“Thanks,” Joohyun plainly said with a slight smile that came off colder than it should have.

Wendy just stiffly bowed and said, “Please tell me if you need any more help.”

“No, it’s fine.” The way Joohyun said that sent more chills down Wendy’s spine. She was so pretty and was so brief with her words. _Is it because she is shy? Is it because she has an accent? She seems introverted and soft-spoken…_ Wendy knew that if she was to work here, she probably needed to exert effort in getting closer to Miss Bae Joohyun. Being in harmony with co-workers in the workplace was essential after all.

While waiting for the clock to strike 10, Joohyun just awkwardly stood behind the counter, while Wendy just sat by one of the dining tables. Neither of them talked. Wendy was slightly nervous about approaching the expressionless Joohyun. Maybe it was because of Joohyun’s cold beauty, or because of her nervousness about the job interview that she found Joohyun slightly scary. She wanted to get closer to her though. As much as Wendy loved baking, she wanted to get along with people.

As Wendy sat there, holding her red velvet cupcakes close to her and thinking of ways to keep this stale atmosphere from being too awkward, Joohyun unexpectedly approached her and sat on the seat across her. Though Joohyun’s cold aura still made rookie Wendy nervous, a sudden spark of curiosity and innocence in Joohyun’s eyes was brought to light from the rays refracted by sun-kissed glass window.

“So, Wendy, you’re from Canada, huh?” Her sudden interest caught Wendy off-guard.

“Yup. I was born here in Korea, but I pretty much grew up there.”

“Wow, I’d like to go visit Canada someday,” Joohyun said, her eyes still fixed on Wendy. It was starting to feel uncomfortable for the latter to be stared at like that.

“It’s a nice place,” Wendy replied, remembering all the good memories of growing up in Canada. “I still miss it often. I always think of my family and old friends every night. I hope they’re doing well without me.”

Joohyun’s gaze softened with sympathy. “So, your family is still in Canada?”

“I came here alone as an exchange student because it’s always been my dream to visit Korea. It’s been a great experience so far, but I do miss them.”

“I guess we have something in common. I’m from Daegu. Not as far as Canada, but still... I miss my family too. Don’t you feel lonely sometimes?”

Wendy lightened up and chuckled. “No, actually. I was blessed with great people. As a matter of fact, I live in my best friend’s house. If it weren’t for her family, I would probably feel so lonely.”

“That’s good.” Joohyun smiled. _Well, at least this kid Wendy has friends taking care of her. As for me, well…_ Joohyun would rather not bring her loneliness back into her thoughts again. After meeting Seulgi the other day, she wanted to be a little more outgoing and positive. And she was taking challenges one step at a time—by being friendly to this new stranger, Wendy. If she wanted to have friends, she figured maybe she needed to make a move and try to get to know people more.

After a while, Joohyun pointed to the paper bag containing the cupcakes that Wendy held so dearly. “What’s that?”

“This? Oh, it’s just _red velvet cupcakes_ I made, as a gift to the shop owner in case I’ll need to give a sample of my baking skills. Would you like to try some?” Wendy said, giving away her North American accent upon mentioning the “red velvet cupcakes.”

Struck by the bright rays seeping through the glass, Joohyun’s cold aura seemed to have faded away, and her face lit up with a sweet grin. “Can I?”

Wendy took out the transparent container and opened the lid. She pulled out a cupcake with careful hands to make sure the white, swirly icing was not ruined. She then held it out to Joohyun, who began to examine it with awe.

“Wow, this looks _really_ good,” Joohyun complimented her. “Are you sure you’re _just_ a high schooler? You seem to be a pro at this. This looks _too_ pretty to be eaten!”

“Please, enjoy it. I made it with love,” Wendy told her in a really cheesy way, all while trying to hide the redness flushing through her cheeks upon hearing Joohyun’s velvet-like voice and cute Gyeongsang Province accent resonate such sweet flattery. “I love baking. That’s why I really want this job. It’s my dream job.”

“Well, the love you put in it truly shows,” Joohyun told her with a grin. After taking a bite, the soft, spongy texture and the mild sweetness of the velvet cake, and the balancing acidity of Wendy’s lemon cream cheese icing left Joohyun speechless.

“Well, how was it?” Wendy asked.

“This is amazing, wow…” Joohyun ate the whole thing scrumptiously, as if nothing else in the world mattered—as if it was the most amazing cupcakes she had ever had in her life. If Wendy really wanted this, there was no reason for her not to get this job. “You should be hired! You know what? When the boss comes in, I’ll vouch for you. I’ll convince her to take you in myself if I have to. I’ll help you get your dream job!”

***

Joohyun worked until noon at the bakery, rested for a bit in the afternoon, and then rode the bus to the Xiah Dragon Noodles, a Chinese restaurant she worked at in the evening. With her black hair and apron tied, she got down to business. The setting sun called in more customers as the twilight passed, and the restaurant got busier as the evening drew on. The orders for black-bean noodles[3], spicy seafood noodles[4], sweet-and-sour pork[5] kept the cashier’s bell ringing and waitresses’ footsteps running. It was hectic, but Joohyun did not mind as long as she was getting paid at the end of the day. It was less stressful than her studies and her internship, and she needed the extra money after all.

At around 9:30 p.m., the business started slowing down. Joohyun’s shift was also about to end by 10 o’clock. As Joohyun idly stood behind the cashier waiting for new orders to be prepared, the sudden bright ringing of chimes snapped her back to her senses. A new customer had entered. It had been a (short) while since a new person entered the premises, so Joohyun’s eyes were easily drawn to this new character. Like a curious child, the customer kept looking around the small diner’s simple interior of red walls and dim lanterns. Her face was shrouded by the shadow cast by her white baseball cap, but the closer she came to the cashier, the more familiar she looked to Joohyun. Then she realized, it was the bear-like high school girl she met the other day— _Kang Seulgi._

Before Joohyun could make any remark, the girl took a glance at Joohyun from behind the counter and stopped on her tracks. Her jaw dropped and her lips quivered, as if the words she was about to say had a difficult time slipping out of her mouth. Finally, she uttered, in an awkwardly loud fashion, “ _Unnie?!”_

“Joohyun, orders for table 5 is done!” called out the cook from the open kitchen behind the counter. Amidst being at loss for words at seeing the baby bear again, Joohyun was suddenly reminded that she still had a job to do, and hurriedly took the plates to table 5.

After Joohyun set down the plates on table 5, she turned around and almost had a heart-attack upon seeing Seulgi Bear just right behind her, staring at her with those sleek, black eyes. The bear’s plump lips where still slightly gaped; the blank expression on her face slightly irked Joohyun. She hated it when people sneak up behind her. But the sight of this adorable creature—was it worth getting mad for?

Seulgi on the other hand stood still before the surprised waitress, taking a good look and making sure it was the right person—the person she saw at the bus stop on that one rainy day. And how true it was! This pretty waitress with the porcelain white skin and beautiful pearl-like eyes was the exact same _unnie_ that had called her a bear. Although it was late at night and the bags under Joohyun’s eyes were slightly becoming more apparent after a long, rough day, Seulgi still could not help but think that this girl was too pretty to be working in such a simple diner.

“You work here?” Seulgi asked, closely looking at Joohyun’s face.

“Um, yes,” Joohyun answered awkwardly. She then scooted over to pass by Seulgi’s side, looked back and said, “Is there anything you would like to order?”

“Black-bean noodles…,” Seulgi said in a soft, embarrassed voice. For some reason she felt very uncomfortable about ordering food from Joohyun. It just did not feel right to her. This is the second time she was asking the pretty unnie for food!

“Please take a seat. We’ll serve the food in a few minutes,” Joohyun held her hand over an empty table to show Seulgi where she could sit. Then she pointed over to one corner of the room where the free condiments and side-dishes are. “You may take some free side dishes for yourself while you wait. There’s also water in the fridge so help yourself.”

“Okay, thank you.” Seulgi slowly walked over to the seat Joohyun pointed to as she watched the waitress _unnie_ quickly walk back to the counter to inform the cooks of the new order. Then before Joohyun could rest again, some of the other customers finished eating, so she had to clean the tables and bring the dishes back to the kitchen. Seulgi sat there, keeping a close eye on her and thinking, _Whoa, she’s really working hard…_

Finally, Joohyun came back to Seulgi’s table with her order. To Seulgi’s surprise, her plate seemed bigger than everyone else’s. Joohyun then leaned down to meet Seulgi’s eye level and whispered with a mischievous smile, “You get a slightly bigger serving.”

“Huh, why?” Seulgi was confused. She did not order a bigger serving—although that would certainly be great.

“Friend-upgrade,” Joohyun said with a chuckle. Before leaving to do her duties again, she patted Seulgi’s shoulder and said, “Bears need to eat plenty, so enjoy your food!”

Seulgi sat still on her seat as her eyes followed the slim figure of Bae Joohyun, power-walking back to the counter. _F-friend upgrade?_ Seulgi’s eyes darted down on her huge plate of oh-so-savory, mouth-watering black-bean noodles and could not believe any of this. Suddenly, there was a thump on her table, making her head jerk up again. There before her was a water pitcher and two stainless steel cups. A moment later, a bowl of hot seafood noodles was set just before her, by none other than Joohyun herself. Seulgi’s eyes grew wide.

“Oh no, no more extra freebies please! This is too much!” Seulgi exclaimed. Not even her dreams manifested a situation so heavenly. This entire scene was just downright outrageous. No matter how many times her father had called her “Princess” she would never think she deserved such a feast—unless it was her birthday or something.

Joohyun gave a hearty laugh and pulled the seat right across the silly little bear. She then seated herself and took out two sets of chopsticks from the small compartment on the side of the table. An extended hand was then before Seulgi, insisting on having her take a set of chopsticks. Since she was too stunned about seeing Joohyun earlier and about having an extra big plate of black-bean noodles, she had not even taken some chopsticks and water for herself.

“This seafood noodle soup is for me, stupid,” Joohyun playfully said with a giggle. Then she lightly jerked her wrist and said, “Go on, take it,” referring to the chopsticks that were still on her hand.

“Oh.” Seulgi could not have felt dumber. She reached two hands out to accept the chopsticks and uttered, “Thank you.”

Joohyun went on to pour water for both of their cups and pushed the other cup closer to Seulgi. Without further ado, Joohyun just began slurping noodles in front of Seulgi and even lifted her bowl to sip some of the spicy red soup. To Seulgi’s surprise, pretty little Joohyun Unnie ate like a _mukbang_[6] star—the ones who broadcast themselves eating deliciously over the internet. She devoured her food as if it was the most scrumptious meal ever, even getting blots of red soup on her chin. This girl with the princess-like face was more down-to-earth than some normal peasants of modern society. It was a strange yet refreshing sight. Feeling hungry after seeing the way Joohyun ate, Seulgi then began to eat her noodles as well.

“It’s good to see you again,” said Seulgi. “I’m really thankful you treated me to coffee the other day.”

“Oh, it’s nothing,” Joohyun lied. At the same time, she felt a burning sensation down her throat due to the spice, causing her to cough two or three times. Treating Seulgi to coffee was not “nothing.” It cost her precious money she was saving, and yet, it seemed like the money she paid had given her more. Seulgi’s presence that day was like a ray of light seeping through the gray skies. The grayness of her monotonous day-to-day was broken by a simple soul. Joohyun could not have been more thankful to feel less-lonely, even though it was just for a little while.

“Thanks for the black-bean noodles as well,” Seulgi continued.

“Oh, don’t thank me for that.” Then Joohyun leaned closer and said in a softer voice, “The restaurant has a secret friend-upgrade policy. If you know a staff member, you get a bigger serving. It happens sometimes. Not all the time though, so don’t expect too much.”

“Do you work here often?” Seulgi asked.

“I work here during weekends from 5 pm.”

“I see. What time does your shift end?”

“Around 10. Right about now. That’s why I’m eating.”

For a while, the two of them just silently ate together. Then Joohyun asked Seulgi, “What’s a high school kid like you doing here at night though? It’s way past dinner.”

“It’s way past dinner for you too.”

“Touché. But really, what are you doing eating out at night?”

Seulgi gave off a heavy sigh. “I just finished studying and decided to look for something to eat.”

Joohyun put her chopsticks down on the table and leaned back on her chair. “High school students really have it rough these days, huh?”

“I don’t know,” Seulgi said as she wiped her lips with a napkin and placed her chopsticks down on the table as well. “Unnie, have you ever felt like everyone else is doing better than you? Like everyone else is doing great—or average at least—while you’re the only one destined for failure? I feel like I’m the only one struggling here sometimes.”

A pout was formed on Joohyun’s face. The bubbly, carefree little bear—where has it gone? Just the thought of a happy child being disheartened by pressures of the world upset her. “Is that how you feel right now?”

“Yeah. It’s just really difficult nowadays,” Seulgi admitted. “Obviously it’s not true that I’m not the only one in the world having a difficult time, but it does feel that way, and it’s a little discouraging.”

Joohyun stopped to think for a while, trying to formulate the right words to say. The bubbly, carefree bear she thought she knew was no different from her. Everyone has a set of problems—a set of hardships. Because Joohyun had also been through that stage, she knew all about the pressure of senior high. At that time, the thought of approaching a crossroad was petrifying, yet it was inevitable. The farther you go down that journey called life, the rougher the road gets. With that in mind, Joohyun wanted to comfort the girl. But what can she say?

“Seulgi,” Joohyun said as she reached out to lay a soft touch on Seulgi’s arm, “I don’t think anyone in this world has really got it all together. Everyone has their own problems, and some are probably better at hiding it than others. Everyone’s just trying to live life the best they can, pretending they know what they’re doing, even though they really don’t. But that’s okay. You learn as you go along, I guess. My mom once told me, _‘Don’t be so hard on yourself for the things you can’t control. But don’t give up. It ends when you stop trying.’_ ”

Seulgi kept quiet, trying to digest what Joohyun had just said to her. She wasn’t sure what it quite meant, but the “don’t give up” part ringed clear. Little did she know that Joohyun was actually directing those words to _herself_. The moment Joohyun ended her little speech, she felt a lump form in her throat. She quickly withdrew her hand from Seulgi’s arm and grabbed her spoon to sip some soup.

After they had finished eating, Joohyun took the plates back to the kitchen and prepared to head back home. When she got out of the restaurant, she noticed that Seulgi was still there, standing by the entrance.

“Aren’t you going home?” Joohyun asked as she approached the lone girl. “Don’t stay out too late.”

Seulgi turned around and watched as Joohyun walked toward her. “Are _you_ going home?”

“I’m walking to the bus stop.”

“Me too. Let’s walk together, Unnie,” Seulgi said with a smile. She did not want to leave Joohyun yet, and she was not being very sly about it either. She wanted to keep talking to her for some reason.

Joohyun just chuckled and let Seulgi tag along. It was an odd, yet familiar feeling—having a younger girl cling to her and call her “unnie.” Usually, she ate alone, studied alone, and walked to places alone. She had been lonely for a long time. Having company made her feel all warm and giddy inside. Just hearing the word “together” made her long, exhausting day seem so much brighter.

As they slowly walked together along the paved gray streets that cool, clear night, Seulgi started trying to get to know more about Joohyun.

“Where are you from? Your accent is kinda different,” Seulgi asked.

“I’m from Daegu.”

“Oh, really? I’ve never been to Daegu.”

“There’s nothing much there.”

“Oh.”

Joohyun did not want to disappoint the Seoul girl by giving a dissatisfactory assessment of her hometown, so she added, “But feel free to visit someday if you want. We have okay food, and lots of mountains. Palgong Mountain[7] is really pretty during the autumn season. There are also lots of food at Seomun Market[8] during evenings.”

“If I go, you should take me on a tour. Can I stay in your parents’ house?” Seulgi asked so light-heartedly.

Joohyun just forced a smile. She had no idea how to react to that. Things were not exactly doing well in the Bae household lately. If she and Seulgi go down that path of conversation in all honesty, she knew the mood will just go downhill. Joohyun never liked voicing out her problems. Although she has been trying to be more friendly, she was not ready for that just yet.

When they were finally nearing the bus stop, a set of bright lights flashed from a distance and along with a rumble of an engine. Joohyun craned her neck and went on tip-toes to see the incoming vehicle clearer.  “Oh, hey, I think that’s my bus!”

The two girls jogged to the stop just in time. Seulgi was going to take a different bus, so Joohyun went ahead to catch her ride. Before Joohyun climbed the bus, she looked back at Seulgi one last time. “See you next time, little bear!”

Seulgi stood there before the closing doors of the bus with one hand dejectedly waving Joohyun goodbye. The engine reverberated and the wheels turned. Soon, the bus that carried Joohyun away from her went down the slope, yet Seulgi continued to watch it even as it disappeared from her view. _See you next time… I hope._

With a slow circular motion of Joohyun’s hand, the view of the road beyond the fogged-up glass was revealed. It was a dark night lit up by tiny lights speedily passing by. As Joohyun sat on the rattling seat of the shaky bus, her eyes flocked from one passenger to another, and she thought, _I guess we all have our own set of problems._ But then the charming image of Seulgi smiling from ear to ear and laughing so carefree in delight flashed before her eyes again. _Sometimes, it’s hard not to lose that smile…but I hope she keeps smiling, for her sake._

 

Later that night, Seulgi came home to see Wendy in their room reading a book. Wendy then looked up and greeted her with a wide grin on her face. It was obvious she had nothing but good news for the bear.

“Seulgi, you would not believe what just happened today!”

“Did you get the job?”

“Yes, I’m so happy!” Wendy held her two fists together and was about to jump for joy.

“Really? You get to work at a bakery now?” Seulgi had other thoughts in mind after meeting Joohyun and was still at the verge of processing whatever Wendy just said earlier.

“Yeah!”

After it finally dawned on Seulgi that she should be rejoicing with her best friend’s little victory, the two girls held hands and jumped up and down in sheer happiness. “That’s great, Wendy! Now you get to be a real Baking Queen!”

“Anyway, when I got there earlier, I ended up running into an _unnie named Bae Joohyun_ who worked there…,” Wendy then began to recount all that happened to her that morning. “… She ended up introducing me to the shop owner who happened to be an amazing pastry chef, and…”

While listening to Wendy’s lengthy, but swiftly spoken anecdote, Seulgi stopped smiling and asked, “Wait, what?” She heard something— _was that right? Did Wendy just mention…?_

“…Chef Taeyeon told me that I could assist on weekends and I’m just very thankful to Joohyun Unnie, you know. She was so nice, though she totally intimidated me at first—,” Wendy continued talking really quickly, as if she was rapping to some fast-paced beat no one else could hear.

“Wait, wait. What did you say?” Seulgi asked once more.

“Huh?” Sometimes Wendy could not even tell she was speed talking through her entire story. It happened when she was excited.

“You mentioned an ‘unnie’!” _Bae Joohyun to be exact!_

“Joohyun Unnie?” Wendy recalled. “The unnie who works at the bakery?”

Seulgi sat there with an unreadable vacant face, as if her slow brain was still trying to process all this stimuli from Wendy. _Joohyun. Joohyun._ Her named echoed in the void. “Uh, is she pretty?”

“Huh? _Sluggie,_ focus here!” Wendy furrowed her brows at such an awkwardly timed, seemingly off-topic question. Wendy and Soo-Young nicknamed Seulgi “Sluggie” once. Slow as a slug, Seulgi could sometimes seem like a total dimwit for her slow reactions and oddly random statements. Wendy snapped her fingers before the bear’s eyes, trying to get “Sluggie” to wake up from whatever dreamland she had drifted off to.

“Black hair? Pale face? Beautiful eyes? Perfectly-shaped nose? University student? Daegu accent?” Seulgi went on. “ _Bae Joohyun_?”

Wendy gasped. “You know her?!”

“Yes, she’s the super nice unnie I told you and Soo-Young about the other day—the one I met at the bus stop! I coincidentally just met her again earlier when I ate dinner at a Chinese restaurant! She works there too!”

“No way!” Wendy could not believe any of it. “Is this destiny or what?!"

* * *

 

[1] 삼각김밥 – triangle-shaped rice ball (with filling) wrapped in nori seaweed

[2] Membership Training (MT) – overnight “ice-breaker” retreats for university students to get familiar with other students in the same department

[3] 짜장면 (jjajangmyun)

[4] 짬뽕 (jjamppong)

[5] 탕수육 (tangsuyook)

[6] 먹방 – eating show

[7] 팔공산 – famous mountain in Daegu

[8] 서문시장 – market in Daegu known for textiles and night street food


	5. Crazy Sisters (자매)

#  **Chapter IV**

 

**Crazy Sisters**

자매

(Sister)

 

“Oh, it’s you.” Seulgi had opened the house gate the following morning to find her friend Soo-Young standing by the entrance.

“Who else would it be?” Soo-Young said as she walked past Seulgi and headed into their house. She often came to the Kangs’ house uninvited. It was not like Seulgi and Wendy had other close friends who would visit almost every single day. To Soo-Young, there were no such things as “boundaries.” They were neighbors, but she thought of Seulgi’s house as an extension of her own. “Did Wendy Unnie leave for that baking job already?”

“Yeah, she left before I even woke up,” Seulgi said in a rather lifeless tone. She slept at a late hour last night because she kept thinking of what Joohyun said to her at the restaurant.

“Well, that sucks. I wanted to tell her to ‘break a leg’ or something—whatever you say to part-timers. Are you studying again all day today?”

“It’s not like I have anything else to do.” Seulgi followed Soo-Young into the house and slipped off her slippers before stepping onto the floorboards.

“Where’s your super fun dad? It’s unusually quiet here in this house today.”

“Dad is on a business trip for the weekend. Mom went grocery shopping. She’ll probably back later.”

“Oh, okay. So you're all alone...”

“Just tell me where you’re going with this conversation,” Seulgi said, getting impatient. She knew Soo-Young had some agenda by the tone of her voice. She knew she was dumb, but she was not  _that_  clueless.

            Soo-Young pursed her lips before answering and raised a brow. Then, she leaned closer—a distance (or lack thereof) that Seulgi was definitely uncomfortable with—and softly ran her fingers over Seulgi’s arm, giving the bear goosebumps due to the tingling sensation. Then Soo-Young seductively whispered, “I’m visiting the bakery. Wanna take a break from studying and come with me?”

            Seulgi froze for a second, feeling awful chills run down her spine at the sound of Soo-Young’s breathy whisper in her ear. Her flustered face suddenly burned a bright red. But then she broke away from Soo-Young and called out, “Look, Park Soo-Young, I don’t have time for your crazy games—”

            “Oh, come on, Unnie! You know you want to come! Wendy Unnie is our friend! It’s her first day on the job too! We need to support her, maybe bother her a bit, and at least see if she’s doing well,” Soo-Young went on. “Your grades can’t possibly be more important than your best friend! Don’t you think it’s such a great idea? Surely, she’d be glad to see us too! Who knows? We can even score some great snacks. And, just so you know, I texted your mom for permission before coming here, and she already said yes.” Soo-Young held up her phone to Seulgi’s face. She was so close to Seulgi’s family that she knew Seulgi’s parents’ and brother’s phone numbers. She might as well be adopted into this family.

Seulgi also remembered what Wendy just told her last night—Joohyun worked at the bakery too. Now who would be as stupid as to miss a chance of seeing pretty Joohyun Unnie again? Certainly, not her, right?

“Okay, fine,” Seulgi agreed, as if she had no other choice. Miss Temptation was hard to resist, especially when she offered too many great rewards. The bear had always been so easily persuaded, especially by Soo-Young. “Let me get ready first.”

“Atta girl!”

 

Earlier, Wendy eagerly got up to begin her first day at the bakery. She was convinced that this was her calling and would give her all for this job. When they entered the shop, Joohyun immediately briefed her on her schedule. As her first assignment, Wendy helped out Joohyun set up the store. Then Joohyun briefed her on all the names their stock. She had to memorize each type of baked good, their prices, and the places they were all stored. She also showed her the kitchen equipment taught her rules of proper organization. When the pastry chef shop owner, Chef Taeyeon, came around at around 10 a.m., Rookie Wendy was instructed to bake a fresh batch of chocolate-chip cookies and brownies. The experience was different from baking at home. Here at the bakery, the equipment was at its latest and were made for producing larger quantities of supply. It was all a bit new and a lot to take in, yet she still felt very proud of herself.

10:45. Joohyun, who oversaw the cashier, went into the kitchen to find Wendy and Chef Taeyeon diligently kneading dough for baguettes.

“Um, Wendy, someone came to see you.”

“Huh? Who?” Wendy had flour all over her hands and her apron. She was a little busy at the moment.

“Why don’t you go wash your hands and take a break?” the kind shop owner told her. “You’ve worked hard. I’ll take care of this.”

The moment Wendy stepped out to see who came to see her, she could not believe her eyes. There before the counter stood a little thirteen-year-old girl cheerfully waving at her. Little Miss Pigtails was cute, tiny, and had a smile filled with mischief. The girl could not hold in her giggles at the sight of Wendy, whose eyes had grown about twice their size.

“Hi, Wendy Unnie!”

Joohyun glanced at the child standing before the cashier, then back to Wendy and asked, “Is she your little sister?”

“I… don’t have a little s-sister…”

The kid let out a shriek of laughter and said, “Oh, no, no, no! We’re not related! She’s going to be my English tutor.”

“Oh, so you teach English too? That’s pretty cool. Maybe you can teach me some time,” Joohyun said, looking at Wendy as if she was the most impressive high-school girl ever.

“Yeri?! What are you doing here?” Wendy asked with her eyebrows furrowed, sounding a bit more hostile than she should. She feared that her colours might change the moment Yeri starts her shenanigans. Now was not the time to turn into a frantic unnie bickering with a thirteen-year-old.

Kim Yerim was the little cousin of Soo-Young, who often referred to her by her nickname “Yeri.” The kid often visited Soo-Young’s house during weekends for family gatherings, leading to a fateful introduction to the friendly next-door _unnies_ one day. Although younger, cheeky and tenacious Yeri had a playfully fierce personality that overpowered Wendy and Seulgi’s calm and restrained temperaments. She was a lot like Soo-Young, but a lot less submissive and a lot more high-strung. She liked to joke around and tease and push people around just because she thought it was fun. Free-spirited as she was, she also enjoyed breaking rules and doing whatever she wanted.

Since Wendy always quietly lived by the rules and blindly stuck to instructions, being with Yeri easily exhausted her. Whenever they played a game together with Soo-Young and Seulgi, she always unluckily got paired with Yeri, leading to teamwork disaster. Thus, they were both the biggest losers in games. Wendy and Yeri were actually close—close enough that their incessant miffs defined a big percentage of their relationship.

“I actually came with my dad to buy bread as an errand. I heard you were starting a job here so we went to this bakery. He’s waiting outside, so I need to buy something quickly,” Yeri responded. She then looked at Joohyun and asked, “Unnie, which ones did Wendy Unnie make?”

“How’d you even know where I worked?!”

Suddenly, the glass door swung open and two new customers entered the bakery. Joohyun craned her neck to check who came in. “Welco—”

“Wendy Unnie!” exclaimed the taller girl who just entered, waving her long arms to greet the dumbfounded Wendy. It was none other than their friendly neighbor and school _hoobae_ Park Soo-Young. She sped toward the counter in excitement, not even noticing Yeri due to her intense focus on Wendy. If Wendy’s eyes could get any larger, her eyeballs would have already popped out.

“Wow, you said you had good friends, but I didn’t know you were this popular,” Joohyun said with a breathy laugh.

“Soo-Young Unnie?” Yeri was quite surprised as well.

Soo-Young gasped and lightly slapped Yeri’s shoulder. “Yerim, you’re here too?!”

Joohyun and Wendy just blankly stared at the two, until Wendy snapped to her senses and yelled, “You guys, gosh, if you’re just here to cause trouble…!”

“No, no, no!” Yeri shook her head. She really did not want to cause trouble. “I told you; I’m here for bread!”

“Oh, come on, I’m here to support you!” Soo-Young retorted.

As the commotion kept going with Wendy eventually introducing Soo-Young and Yeri to Joohyun, Seulgi quietly stayed at the back—out of sight due to Soo-Young’s towering height. Awkward Seulgi never knew what to do when everyone was all talking at the same time. While Soo-Young was talking about how the three of them knew each other, Joohyun noticed the third girl standing at a distance. The same white baseball cap, casting shadows on an awkwardly wandering gaze…

“Seulgi?” Joohyun said, cutting off the conversation. Everyone paused. Yeri and Soo-Young turned around, and Wendy craned her neck to the side to see past Soo-Young.

“Hello,” Seulgi awkwardly greeted Joohyun back and glanced at Wendy with a grin.

“Oh, I didn’t see you there,” Yeri giggled. She went ahead and gave Seulgi a big hug, to which Seulgi could not help but grimace. She was never the touchy-feely type of person.

“Seulgi Unnie, stop being a boring killjoy.” Soo-Young grabbed Seulgi’s arm and pulled her closer to join the little crowd.

Joohyun did not expect to see her here.  _But what is this?_  Joohyun looked at the group and asked Seulgi, “You know each other?”

“Yeah, I live with her family. It’s part of the exchange program thing,” Wendy explained. “She’s basically like my twin sister. I guess you’ve met her already.”

“Seulgi Unnie and Wendy Unnies are the same age and even have the same birth month, but they are actually very different!” Soo-Young told Joohyun with another round of cackles. “The other one’s a genius, while  _the other one isn’t!_ ”

Seulgi’s entire body turned red with embarrassment due to Soo-Young’s deriding remark. The bear then lightly grabbed Soo-Young by the collar with her wimpy hands. “Hey, Park Soo-Young!” She immediately let go though.

“Yeah, I met Seulgi coincidentally a few times. I didn’t know you know each other. This is really interesting,” Joohyun said with a motherly smile. Seulgi immediately calmed down at the sound of her soothing voice.

“Uh, I think we should buy something already. I mean, we’re kinda blocking the cashier here,” Seulgi told them, just to end the conversation here. Although she was used to the never-ending jeers by the same rascals she had called friends, it was just so embarrassing in front of Joohyun. They can embarrass her any time they want,  _but please, not in front of Joohyun Unnie._

Yeri just bought some bread and immediately left. Soo-Young and Seulgi, however, stayed to eat some chocolate croissants and chat with Wendy. Wendy felt proud as she watched her friends eat their fill. Although this bunch of tykes drove her insane, she was filled with gratitude for their support of her first job. They may be a crazy group of friends, but she would not trade them for the world.

“So that was the pretty unnie Seulgi Unnie kept raving about the other day,” Soo-Young mumbled as the three of them sat together by the small dining area by the glass windows. Soo-Young and Seulgi sat together while Wendy sat across them. “Anyway, congratulations, Wendy Unnie, on getting the baking job! Obviously, you’d get hired, I mean, duh, who wouldn’t hire you, am I right?”

“No need for such flattery.” Wendy smugly raised a brow with a crooked smirk.

“So, about that discount…,” Soo-Young started again, trying to annoy Wendy.

“I told you, no discounts! Besides, it’s my first day!”

“I was kidding,” Soo-Young said with a laugh, leaning toward Seulgi. “Gosh Wendy Unnie, you’re no fun sometimes… Right, Seulgi Unnie?”

Seulgi, who was low-key spying on Joohyun with her little eye, just nodded and continued eating. She noticed how Joohyun politely accepted money from a customer and opened the cashier to neatly place the money inside.  _How could a cashier handle money with such grace? The money is so lucky… All her customers are so lucky to be greeted by such an angelic face…_  The bear’s brain drifted off again.

“So anyway, Yeri is coming over to your house on Tuesday,” Soo-Young said, changing the topic.

Wendy’s smirk disappeared.

Seulgi, on the other hand, noticed that Joohyun’s eyes suddenly darted in her direction. Joohyun seemed to have noticed that Seulgi was staring at her. The “angel at the cashier” giggled, making Seulgi’s heart skip a beat and her entire face turn red. The shy bear immediately looked away and pretended like she cared about her two friends’ conversation. “Oh, so you finally agreed to teaching her English?”

“Yeah…”

“It’s going to be a very interesting Tuesday evening,” Soo-Young said with a devious smirk.

“Yeah right, very interesting.” Wendy could not hide her sarcasm. “Tell your aunt I’ll try my best.”

“Too bad I have to go to math _hakwon_ until 9 that day,” Soo-Young groaned. “I can’t see Teacher Son in action on her first day.”

“That’s good, because nobody invited you to watch,” Wendy muttered in annoyance.

Soo-Young affectionately leaned against Seulgi, who had been quietly munching on her food beside her. “Seulgi Unnie will just have to tell me all about it then. Besides, Yeri’s my baby cousin. I need to make sure, she gets quality education,” Soo-Young said with a whimsical, high-pitched laugh. “It’s okay, Wendy Unnie. If Yeri does something dumb, you can call on me, and I’ll fight her myself.”

When it was time to go, Seulgi bid Joohyun and Wendy goodbye. As Soo-Young dragged her out, every fiber of her being wanted to stay. She came all the way here to see not just Wendy, but Joohyun too. Unfortunately, all she did was steal a few glances and said nothing but “hello” and “goodbye” to her. It didn’t matter though. She would rather not talk to Joohyun while her crazy friends were around. All they ever do was embarrass her anyway.

Wendy bid them all farewell and got ready to go back into the kitchen. She spent around 30 minutes with them. That was enough of a break.  _Finally, that was over. The boss is probably going to need me at the kitchen._

“You guys are so cute—like a family of sisters,” Joohyun said, as Wendy passed behind the counter to enter the kitchen.

“Us? Oh, well, I guess,” Wendy said, turning shy again. “They all drive me crazy, to be honest. Don’t get me wrong; I love them with all my heart, but just between you and me,  _they’re all nuts_.”

 

That Tuesday evening, Yeri came over as planned. Her wide-eyed glances shot from one direction to another the moment she had hopped off her father’s black sedan.

“ _Ding-dong!”_ rang the doorbell. It was 7 o’clock. It could not have been anyone else. Wendy internally cursed herself and took deep breaths.  _You can do this, Wendy! You’ll be a great tutor! I hope…_

The moment Wendy opened the gate, she was greeted by a big warm welcome.

“Wendy Unnie!” Little Yeri exclaimed as she wrapped her arms around Wendy’s waist ever so tightly. Nothing could have felt more constricting for Wendy at the moment. “It’s been a while,” the kid chortled with glee.

“Oh yeah, it has been a while, hasn’t it? Your pigtails look cute on you,” Wendy said with a fake smile that Yeri could easily read though. Though she may be at the young age of thirteen, she was very clever. Cleverness, however, was not necessary to see through the oh-so-transparent Wendy. (Her comment about the pigtails were genuine though.)

“Ha, we’re doomed, aren’t we?” Yeri chuckled some more, feeling slightly embarrassed and a little worried about the situation. “I can’t believe my mom. She has the worst ideas sometimes.”

Yeri also felt the same way about receiving English lessons from Wendy: she thought it was a ridiculous idea. Yeri had always been a fast-learning child, especially when it came to learning languages. Not only was she the top of her class in creative writing and poetry, she has studied Japanese and English as a hobby since she was ten and had even begun writing her own songs. Though it may sound arrogant, she always thought that a clever child like her did not need to be tutored. Besides, when she finally moves to Britain, she can naturally learn conversational  _British English_  there. Why hire a  _Canadian_  high-school girl to teach her stuff?

Truth be told, Wendy honestly wanted Yeri to like her. Every time Yeri came over, Wendy often coddled her and spoiled her with all the food she wanted to eat. Wendy had always wanted to have a younger sister, so she treated Yeri like one. However, when it came to working together and cooperating, everything would just go downhill. They were the bickering sisters: they care for each other, but their personalities clash. Apparently, Yeri had the power to bring out Wendy’s immature little devil from its sleep. But isn’t that what real sisters are like? Maybe Wendy did get what she wished for.

“Just get in,” the teacher commanded, not even trying to act pleased anymore. She could never pretend in front of quick-witted tyke anyway. Besides, she had always been bad at putting up facades.

“Yeah, so, we don’t really have to do this,” Yeri said as she walked straight to the Kang household’s refrigerator and opened the door. “When my mom asks, let’s just pretend like we did something and move on. Where’s the cake?”

“Hold on, so you’re saying we deceive your mom, and just play around when you’re here?” Wendy was agitated at the idea. As usual, the rebel and the prudent cannot agree on things. “Why am I not even surprised by this evil plan?”

“Yeah, I mean, you don’t want to do it, and I don’t want to do it, so why not?” Yeri said, casually taking out the left-over cheesecake from the refrigerator without anyone’s permission. Then she called out, “Seulgi Unnie! Where are you? Show your face!”

Wendy stopped and considered Yeri’s proposal for a while and then violently shook her head.  _Lie to Yeri’s mom?! How could I even consider such an idea?!_ “Hey, Kim Yerim, you conniving little brat! No way, not even in Park Soo-Young’s grave, am I letting you off the hook.”

Yeri turned to face Wendy with a swish of her dangling pigtails. She looked so adorable and innocent with those sparkling brown eyes. Specks of crumbs trailed on her puckered little lips after having a mouthful of cheesecake. As cute as she was in Wendy’s eyes, Wendy will not let her run loose with her boisterous whims.

“I don’t want to do this either, but your mom trusts me, and you need to study so I will do my best to teach you and…,” Wendy chided on—speed-talking once again. She did have a valid point though. The kid could get into trouble for her disobedience, and getting dragged into others’ messes was the last thing Wendy wanted.

Suddenly a childish whine was heard from the hallway. “No! My cheesecake! That’s mine! I was saving that!”

“Oh, hi Seulgi Unnie,” Yeri awkwardly laughed. “Sorry… but you live with Wendy Unnie anyway. You probably eat this stuff every day. I don’t know how you never gain any weight…”

Seulgi, who had just entered the scene, just got her heart broken by a simple cheesecake. Without bothering to fight, Seulgi the harmless bear just frowned at the loss of her precious cheesecake and let Yeri eat the rest of it.

“Are you receiving a moral lecture from her already?” Seulgi asked Yeri. She then sat on the dining table that separated the small kitchen area from the living room and asked Yeri for a bite of cheesecake. “Didn’t you just arrive?”

“Yeah, I just arrived. Save me, before she starts talking like our church pastor again,” Yeri said, cowering over to hide behind the powerless bear.

“Well then, young lass, you better know the discourse is highly important— _relevant, critical, valuable_ —when I start talking like a wise old man!” Wendy proclaimed in a rather old-fashioned tone of speaking.

Seulgi looked down on Yeri and gave her an apprehensive smile. She then mumbled in a low voice, “Just listen to her. She _is_  older than you.”

“Okay fine,” Yeri said, succumbing to the _unnies_ ’ demands.

Seulgi then left the bickering sisters at the dining table and went back to her room. She needed to work on her assignments, but nowadays, her focus often averted to other things.

Today, Wendy was the subject of her thoughts. Usually, Seulgi and her class genius roommate-slash-classmate Wendy did their homework together. Unfortunately nowadays, Wendy was more preoccupied with other things.

Upon taking the seat by her desk, a small shot of downcast feelings and envy dispersed in Seulgi’s veins.  _So now that Wendy has to teach Yeri, does that mean she won’t have time to help me with homework? And on weekends, she’s busy working at the bakery, so she probably won’t have time for me during the weekends either… Also, does that mean Wendy gets to work with Joohyun Unnie every weekend? Ah, so lucky… I met Joohyun Unnie first though…_

Then the topic naturally transitioned to thoughts of Joohyun.  _Joohyun Unnie is really nice. I want to see her every weekend too…_ Joohyun was someone who encouraged her a lot and magically deciphered all the eloquently-worded nonsense written on her textbook. She also had wise insights and advice.

 _I wish Joohyun Unnie can help me again, but…_   _I can’t bother her again though. She’s a university student and is probably busier than me. She’s done so much for me, and I barely know her. I don’t even know if she thinks of me as much as I think of her. She probably doesn’t, doesn’t she? I mean, exactly why would she? I’m not that special. There could probably be more special people in her life besides some teenager she met at some bus stop,_ Seulgi thought to herself.

Ten minutes had passed. “Sluggie” kept staring at the same few passages without completing any of her assignment questions at all. While Seulgi was inattentively browsing through her textbooks, the door suddenly burst open and was slammed with a bang.

“Ugh, Wendy Unnie is so annoying…”

Seulgi looked up from her desk and saw Yeri whom had just entered the room. “Yeri?”

“Hey Kim Yerim!” A shout was followed by another swing of the bedroom door. In came Teacher Son, who has had enough of Yeri’s stubbornness. “So, is this how you’ll play? You’re just going to avoid me?”

“You’re not going to make me do essays now, aren’t you? I got plenty of school work. I don’t need any of that crap,” Yeri argued.

The innocent clueless bear glanced from one to the other, not sure what to make of this situation. “Wh-what is going on?”

“ _She. Is. Cra-zy_ ,” Yeri told Seulgi in English as she pointed at Wendy. Seulgi barely understood English though.

“Look at Seulgi! Though she’s not the best at it, she’s always studying! You should do the same! Just because you read  _Harry Potter_  novels in English, doesn’t mean you can get cocky!”

“Seulgi Unnie doesn’t even get decent grades no matter how hard she tries,” Yeri sneered. “Get a better moral example, will you.”

“Yeah, but at least she’s always working hard!” Wendy argued back. Whatever happened to the Wendy who wanted to get along with everyone? That went down the drain too soon…

Seulgi stood helplessly in the middle of the two bickering girls and tried to stop them, but she was ignored. Finally, the bear roared as loud as she could muster, “Both of you, stop! I’m trying to study okay!”

Instead of stopping, the bickering sisters went on. It always frustrated Seulgi that when she was angry and serious, nobody really took her seriously. Maybe she needs to work on her “angry face” or something…

“Get out of my room!” Seulgi yelled. The annoyed and frustrated bear had to grab Yeri and push her out along with Wendy. Finally, she pushed the lock on her door and went back to her seat.  _How am I supposed to study with them going on like that? Do they want me to fail high school?! They drive me crazy!_

_  
_


	6. Like a Child (중2병)

#  **Chapter V**

 

**Like a Child**

중2병

(2nd Year Middle-School Disease)

 

The following day at school lunch, the triad sat on their usual unofficially reserved table near the windows with their food trays and lunch boxes. Soo-Young and Seulgi sat side by side and Wendy sat across the two of them.

“Ugh, they think they’re so cool,” Soo-Young scoffed, silently cursing the group of popular boys eyeing the three of them a few tables away. They were one of the hottest boys’ clicks in the entire school. “Why are they always staring this way?”

Though they may not be in the same tier as the most popular kids in their school, being seniors, Seulgi and Wendy had a few admirers as well. After performing at a few school fairs, dancing with so much charisma, Seulgi earned a bit of fame for herself. Wendy, on the other hand, was the angelic lead soprano for the school choir and the top student in the entire school. If some students have never talked to them in person, they probably have heard of them. Soo-Young, however, stared all their admirers down like a watch dog, with a glare promising to pulverize anyone who dare come close. It did not even matter if the intent of approach was pure or not. Seulgi and Wendy were _hers._ She was overprotective and slightly possessive like that.

“Ignore them. They’re harmless,” Seulgi mumbled with her mouth full. “I don’t know why you’re always bothered by them.”

“They could be checking you out! They can’t do that! Who knows what they could be doing to you in their imaginations!” Soo-Young said, obviously implying something dirty.

“They’re probably staring at Krystal and Sulli over there... I mean, I’d stare too. They’re really pretty,” nonchalantly Seulgi spoke with her mouth full. Then after a sudden thought, she stopped chewing on her _kimbap_. “What _would_ they be doing in their imaginations?”

“Oh, you know—”

“Gosh, Soo-Young, stop,” Wendy said before Soo-Young could scar innocent Seulgi for life. “Why would those guys look at us? We’re literally losers. We might as well bury ourselves in a hole and let the world run without our existence, because we’re such failures!”

“Well, that went overboard,” Soo-Young mumbled after sipping a bit of her banana milk. She knew for sure that there was a seemingly sour vibe in the air—Wendy’s air, to be exact. Wendy was very nice and always thought of everyone’s well being, but Soo-Young somehow got the drift that she tried too hard sometimes. She knew Wendy was sensitive to failure for some reason. She knew Wendy’s tendency to lose composure upon failing to please everyone—or _someone_.

“So, how did it go with Yeri yesterday?” Soo-Young asked, assuming that this sudden act was about Yeri.

“Ah, I’m not sure,” Wendy said with a sigh.

“They fought for some time in two languages, and I had a horrible time concentrating,” Seulgi complained. “Next time they study together, I’ll probably have to leave the house. Maybe go to the library again.”

Soo-Young ruffled Seulgi’s hair and affectionately clung to her arm. “Aw, poor Seulgi Unnie.”

“Dealing with your cousin is too frustrating!” Wendy began. “She doesn’t listen to me. She doesn’t want to do anything...”

“Yeah, well, believe it or not, most middle schoolers are like that. I mean, Yeri is still convinced that she’s a magician on the road for Hogwarts. Sometimes, she thinks she’s a vampire. Her ‘2ndyear middle-school sickness’[1] is pretty bad,” Soo-Young said in a not-so-consoling tone, even if it was meant to console her. “It’s the ‘by-product of nature’. Don’t stress it too much.”

“Sickness? What the heck are you even talking about? She’s not sick! She’s perfectly fine!” Growing up in Canada meant Wendy didn’t understand certain expressions.

 

The following Friday evening, Yeri came back to the Kang Family’s house for another English lesson. This time, Soo-Young was there loafing around with Seulgi, watching a music show on television. It was a time for them to watch pretty and handsome faces dressed in ostentatious stage outfits, performing pretentious choreographies and singing the newest pop releases. Soo-Young was not here for the music show though. She was here to observe Wendy’s teaching methods—something she did not get to do the last few sessions.

“Oh yeah, today is Girls’ Generation’s comeback!” Yeri exclaimed, rushing to sit with the other two on the sofa. Girls’ Generation was a very popular and talented girl group in Korea with 9 members, and Yeri swore that she was their biggest fan.

 _Oh great, another distraction,_ Wendy thought. Every time Yeri came around for an English lesson, the kid always had some sort of excuse or distraction to avoid the lesson. It was getting more and more frustrating for Wendy, but she was trying to keep her composure.

Just in time, the popular girl group Girls’ Generation appeared on the flashy screen, and began performing their latest single, “Mr. Mr.” The nine women wore suits and fedora hats as they classily sang and moved along with the playing track.

“Women in suits has never looked so sexy,” Yeri commented as she cuddled a throw pillow.

“They slay so hard,” Soo-Young added while resting her head on Seulgi’s lap.

“How to be them…” Seulgi slurred lifelessly.

Wendy approached them in the living room and said, “Okay, after this, Yeri, you need to study.”

“Shush! Dance break! Dance break!” Yeri said, pointing to the television.

Wendy then sat on the floor and leaned against the sofa to watch the music show with them. “I must say, Girls’ Generation unnies look cool in this new concept.”

“They’re _oppas **[2]**_ in this concept,” Yeri corrected her. If anyone knew anything about Girls’ Generation, it would be her.

After that performance, Wendy switched-off the television, surprising not just Yeri, but also Seulgi and Soo-Young. She was convinced that having television on was not conducive to a proper learning environment. It did not matter to Yeri though, because she already saw what she needed to see. Soo-Young and Seulgi on the other hand was bothered by this. But what could possibly be more amusing than watching Wendy try to teach a stubborn 13-year-old?

A while later… “Let’s review grammar. Tenses shouldn’t be too hard for you.”

“I already know all that.”

“Okay, then what about vocabulary? Define—”

“How do you think I read my _Harry Potter_ books? I always underline words I don’t know and memorize their meanings. I do this all the time! What could you possibly teach me? I told you already. I don’t need you to teach me stuff. Let’s just pretend like we went through all of this already. I don’t know why you’re giving yourself a hard time.”

“Okay, so if you don’t want to review grammar and you don’t want to review vocabulary, what the hell do you want to do?” Wendy asked Yeri, who kept texting on her phone. “If you’re going to keep chatting with your friend on that thing, you might as well do it in English. I told you, your mother is paying me money, and I don’t want to scam her by not doing anything.”

Yeri didn’t respond. She just giggled while reading her text messages and ignored Wendy. Seulgi and Soo-Young could hear what was going on from the sofa but didn’t do anything about it.

“Who are you messaging anyway?” Wendy asked.

“My best friend Saeron,” Yeri replied, not even peeling her eyes off the screen.

“Ugh, this is hopeless,” Wendy said, slipping her hand behind her fringe to rub her forehead. Wendy wanted to be a good tutor. She truly did. However, when the student herself did not want to listen, Wendy just felt so irritated. She was doing her best, but Yeri did not reciprocate much and preferred to just play around. At this point she was no longer sure if there was any other strategy that can end this frustrating war. “If you really don’t want to do anything, suit yourself. I give up. You might as well tell your mom to stop paying me.”

“Good,” Yeri said nonchalantly. “I’ll go tell her that.”

“Ha? You’re both giving up just like that? Already? You’re both not serious, right?” Soo-Young sat up from lying down on Seulgi’s lap. Although she swore she only came here to watch small-scale “World War III” happen, her protective sense for her Wendy Unnie began tingling. She could feel Wendy’s frustration from a distance. It irked her. Yeri had no right. _Nobody gives Wendy Unnie a horrible time, but me!_ “Yerim-ah, what’s wrong with you? Why are you being like this to your unnie? You’re not usually like this. Well, not _this_ bad. I thought you of all people would want to learn English! Now here is a teacher and you’re not even going to listen to her?”

Yeri ignored Soo-Young as well, still staring at her phone.

Seulgi, on the other hand, didn’t say anything, but was rather bothered by the situation too. She hated the idea of Wendy being so distressed that she could not bear the sight of it. So, the pacifist softie just went in her room to avoid the situation. She still had to figure out trigonometry, and she has her own set of English vocabulary to worry about. Regardless, distressed little bear found it difficult to concentrate every time she thought of Wendy. If she could only help her best friend, she definitely would. If there was some magical crossbow that could cause Wendy and Yeri to get along, Seulgi would have turned into Cupid by now.

Later that night, as they were getting ready for bed, Wendy went into a rant about Yeri again. Since she did not want to blow up on Yeri, she began taking it all out on Seulgi in the form of ranting. Unexpectedly, Seulgi said in all seriousness, but in the least offensive way, “Look, Wendy, I know Yeri gave you a difficult time, but can you please stop complaining about it for now? Hearing you get mad like this stresses me out. I wish I can help you, but I’m just really tired right now. You should sleep too.”

Wendy was dumbfounded upon hearing those words. Never has Seulgi ever told her to shut up about anything. Whenever Wendy talked, Seulgi was always the type to listen. Seulgi had always been very understanding, but tonight she was just not in the mood to put up with Wendy’s excess baggage. The bear had her own burdens weighing down her shoulders. Just witnessing that “English lesson” was enough to give her insomnia; hearing the frustrated English tutor complain would only stress her out more.

After that drop of silence, Wendy asked, “Seulgi, do you ever think I’m over-bearing? Am I, perhaps, annoying?”

Seulgi sat up from her bed and gently scratched both of her eyes before answering. She did not want to lie, but she did not want to tell her the honest truth either, for fear of offending her friend. So then, Seulgi went with what she thought was the safe answer: “I’d be lying if I said you were never annoying to me even at least once.”

“So, _you do_ find me annoying,” Wendy mumbled dejectedly. “I’m a naturally annoying person, aren’t I? I nag all the time... That’s probably why Yeri doesn’t listen to me. I can’t help it though. I want her to think of me as a good unnie, and I just want what’s best for her… Well then, you must be tired of listening to me ramble all the time. Goodnight, Seulgi.”

Seulgi watched as Wendy switched off the lights in their bedroom and head off to the bed at the other side of the room. Without speaking any further, Wendy took off her round glasses, undid her bun, and silently pulled up her sheets to cover her face.

“I didn’t mean it that way...,” Seulgi uttered in a soft, sorry voice. The last thing she wanted was to offend her best friend right now. “I don’t find you annoying all the time. I didn’t find you annoying at all today. It’s just that—”

“I know. Don’t feel bad about what you said,” Wendy replied with a sigh. “Sleep tight, Sluggie Bear.”

Seulgi lay back down and stared at the dark ceiling with her eyes wide open. _What was that?! What did I just do?!_

 

The next morning when Wendy came to the bakery, she greeted Joohyun and got down to business. However, today, she had a lot of things in her mind, thinking about Yeri and their disaster of a study session. Because of this, she didn’t seem to be the same enthusiastic rookie baker that she was last week. When Wendy finished setting up with Joohyun before shop opening hour, she went into the kitchen and took out her vexations on a slab of dough, punching it with her fists with as much force as she could muster.

“Um, are you okay?” Joohyun had noticed Wendy sudden austere mood. She wanted to just brush it off at first, but she figured she had to ask her about it.

Wendy shot one tough punch on the dough with a loud bam, hurting herself in the process. Shaking her hand while silently cursing at herself, she knew she had to stop. Then she faced Joohyun and whined, “Oh, Unnie…”

Joohyun approached upset Wendy and affectionately held Wendy’s reddened hand. “What’s wrong?”

“I’m such a failure,” Wendy whimpered.

Seeing Wendy upset also brought a frown on Joohyun’s face. “Why would you say that?”

“Yeri—my student—she hates me!”

“That cute little kid who came into the shop last week? Why would she hate you? She didn’t seem to hate you then…”

“I don’t know… I really want to teach her well but she doesn’t like listening to me for some reason.” Then Wendy uttered in a rather bitter tone, “I don’t know what I’m doing wrong.”

Joohyun didn’t know how to respond to this. She barely knew Yeri. She barely knew the entire situation. Not knowing what else to do, the older girl just gave Wendy a warm, comforting hug. Joohyun held nothing back, pressing her warmth against the distressed young girl. Her gentle hand lightly patted Wendy’s back, as if she was calming a disturbed child. “There, there…”

Wendy did not expect this. She did not expect Joohyun to just hold her so tenderly. Although she never thought of her “Yeri problem” as a crying matter, Joohyun’s loving embrace somehow moved her to tears. She had no idea why, but the soothing comfort of Joohyun’s little frame wrapped around her was too heart-warming. She didn’t want to let go. She never knew she would be moved by such a feeling—to be held so intimately like that. Maybe it was because of pure frustration or something else—it was difficult even for Wendy to tell—but at that moment, she softly sobbed onto the nook of Joohyun’s neck like a helpless child. As Wendy held onto her warmth, past memories started coming back to Wendy of the time before she came to Korea... but she shook her head. _No. She did not want to remember._ The harder she fought it, the more tears flowed down from her eyes.

“You had a hard time, didn’t you?” Joohyun whispered as if she knew what Wendy was going through. Although she could not read minds, she could definitely read emotions, and she saw through the girl’s hidden pain immediately. She then let go from the very embrace she gave just to wipe Wendy’s tears with a napkin. _“Don’t be so hard on yourself.”_

Realizing what she just did, Wendy pulled herself together and said, “I’m sorry. I don’t know what came over me for a second there. I don’t usually cry like that.”

Joohyun met Wendy’s gaze as she lifted the girl’s downcast head. “It’s alright.”

After staring at Joohyun’s beautiful, hypnotizing eyes, Wendy realized that she probably looked like a hot mess at the moment. She averted her gaze in embarrassment and continued dabbing a napkin on her wet cheeks and blowing her nose.

When Wendy finally stopped crying, she stared at the dough and said, “Sometimes, I just wonder if I’m being a good unnie to Yeri. I wonder if I’m giving Soo-Young enough attention. I wonder if I’m being a good friend to Seulgi. I’m trying my best, but…”

“Oh, come on,” Joohyun suddenly said in a loud, assertive voice that Wendy has never heard from her before. It almost sounded like she was reprimanding her. Joohyun had always been so soft spoken, but this time it was different. “You said it yourself that you’re giving it your all. I think your effort is enough to prove how well you’re doing. Did you not see them last week? They came out to support you. They all seem to really like you too. Whatever it is you’re doing for them, I’m sure it’s more than enough. You’re doing well, Wendy. You’re doing really well. Your friends are lucky to have you just as much as you’re lucky to have them.”

“Y-you really think so?”

“Of course,” Joohyun said with a firm nod. She then softened up again and said, “If anything, I’m a little jealous. I wish I can have close friends like you do.”

“What do you mean? Don’t you have friends?” As a child in Canada, Wendy had good friends. And when she arrived in Korea, Seulgi had become her best friend. To Wendy, having no friends seemed like such a foreign thought.

“I do, but not very close. The close ones I once had, I haven’t seen them in...um... a while.” Joohyun’s gaze started to look distant. Again, she has reached the topic she had been trying to avoid for a while. Then she said to Wendy with a smile, “You should cherish your friends, even if you think they’re ‘ _nuts._ ’”

 _Oh my gosh, I can’t believe she remembered me saying that last week. So embarrassing…_ Wendy thought in between sniffs. “Do you have any advice concerning the thirteen-year-old who doesn’t want to listen to me? I don’t want to fight with her at all. I want her to like me. I really do.”

Although Joohyun doesn’t know Yeri very well, she has dealt with younger kids before. With her soft voice back, Joohyun suggested, “Try talking to her again. Ask her why she doesn’t want to listen to you.”

“I already did that, but she shot me down, saying she doesn’t need me to teach her things, because she thinks she’s so clever.”

“Then maybe try asking her a different question.”

“A different question?” Wendy had never really thought of that before. “What kind of question?”

“I don’t know. It depends,” Joohyun shrugged. “You’re a clever girl. You would probably know better than I do.”

 _A different question, huh?_ Before Joohyun left the kitchen to get back to her work, Wendy quickly grabbed Joohyun and pulled her in for another tight hug. It wasn’t as comforting as Joohyun’s hug (maybe just constricting), but she just had to.

“Ow! Okay…” Joohyun yelped in surprise.

Then Wendy said as she held Joohyun tightly, “I think I know what you mean. Thank you so much for the advice. You’re the best!”

 

* * *

[1] 중2병 ( _Joong-ee-byeong_ ) a slang term in Korea that refers to the rebellious know-it-all behaviour adolescents display, usually during middle school/teenage years and can also involve being too invested in fantasy worlds and acting like a “protagonist” of some sort. Mostly a derogatory term to say to adults, implying that they are immature.

[2] 오빠 - Older brother (used by girls to respectfully refer to older boys)


	7. Lucky Girl  (생일선물)

#  **Chapter VI**

 

**Lucky Girl**

생일선물

(Birthday Gift)

 

The previous week proved to be taxing for the ceaselessly weary daughter of Daegu. The manager at her internship was not a compassionate man. He never cut anyone some slack, not even the interns. All he ever did was criticize everyone’s work and newbie Joohyun was not exempted. He was hardly ever soft with his words, finding even an ounce of flaw enough to degrade one’s work. Joohyun loved working at a radio station—she truly did, even if she was just a broadcast assistant in training. But due to the harshness of such a demanding man, she had to drag her whole body with all her strength just to force herself to spend another evening in the workplace she had grown to hate so much.

“Joohyun!” the man would yell calling to her and she would immediately scramble to see him.

“Yes, sir?”

“Why haven’t you contacted  _SM Entertainment_  yet? We need to finalize plans for  _Girls’ Generation_ ’s appearance next week. You do know that you could potentially cause trouble to everyone’s schedules for your lousiness?”

She has contacted the company. They just had not responded to the emails yet. “I’ll try to contact them again right away, sir.”

“Joohyun! Where is the transcript for the upcoming show? I told you to have it ready! The DJ’s are waiting! You’re always unprepared and slow!”

She was not unprepared. She already had it ready, but unexpected changes had to be made to the script. “I’ll quickly have it ready, sir.”

“Joohyun! I told you to do one simple thing! One. Simple. Thing! And you can’t even do it right?!”

“It was just a mistake, sir…”

“No excuses! If you really wanted to get in this industry you have to work harder!”

She worked hard though. She did all that she could. Was that good enough though? No, not if those high standards were not met. Hard work never really deserved appreciation unless the satisfactory outcome was achieved. For once, can’t she be appreciated for her hard work? For once, can’t she be appreciated for her perseverance? She always did her best and always tried to learn what she did not know. She always finished her tasks, even if it was the last minute at times. She never talked back. She never even talked behind the manager’s back! She was not the perfect intern, but she at least wanted and deserved just one word of appreciation for the things she had done right. Was that too much to ask for?

 _Is broadcasting really right for me? Did I really make the right decision of coming here?_ She had those thoughts often. At first, she was so sure this was the right path for her, but the country’s employment rates were dropping, and competition was getting worse than ever before. She had to keep reminding herself the real reasons why she wanted this so badly just to stay focused on her goal. The thought of it all was a one big migraine though.

Nevertheless, even with frustration and disappointment, Joohyun went home with her chin up every time. This was something she knew she was good at—pretending like everything was fine. She trained herself into thinking that showing weakness would never amount to anything good. Even if that strength was nothing but a façade, it was better than having no strength at all. However, at the end of the day—when it was just between her and nobody else, beneath that mask hid nothing but tears. When it came right down to it, she was weak and she knew it. She could never kid herself into being the strong independent woman she needed to be.

Weekend came and Joohyun immediately noticed how Wendy seemed to be in a bad mood. Although the previous days had been rough for her personally, that did not stop her from comforting poor little Wendy and giving her a warm comforting hug. If anything, her own experiences and her own hurt emotions fuelled her drive to stop Wendy’s or anyone else’s hurting. When Wendy talked about not feeling like her effort was enough, Joohyun felt a fire burning in her heart. She saw herself in the crying girl. She knew what it was like to feel like garbage even after trying her best.

Later that noon, when her shift was over, Joohyun bid Wendy and Chef Taeyeon goodbye to head off to her next part-time job. Wendy admiringly watched as Joohyun left, still thinking about the encouraging words she had told her earlier. What Seulgi said about her before was no overreaction. Joohyun  _really was_  a very nice and caring unnie. She gave great advice too. She was a gem of a person—beautiful inside out. No one could be a better role model.

“Whoever gets to be with a woman like that sure would be lucky. I know I would date her if I was a guy,” Wendy sighed, remembering how Joohyun embraced her earlier. The way it moved her to tears was too surreal.  Plus, her whisper was gentler than the spring breeze, and she smelled like a thousand velvety rose petals… Wendy also remembered something awful from her past when Joohyun hugged her, but she shook her head again and just dismissed it. She focused her thoughts on Joohyun again instead of thinking about herself.  _It’s just a little hard to believe that a wonderful person like that would claim she has no close friends though…_

When Joohyun was finally out of sight, the shop owner, Chef Taeyeon, came out of the kitchen. Although the chef was in her thirties, she looked quite young because of her small stature and blonde-dyed hair. She was also very kind to her employees. “Is Joohyun gone?”

“Yeah, she left,” Wendy answered.

“Good,” the chef said with a pat on Wendy’s back. Then she spoke with her auntie-like voice, “Now you have to help me with something.”

“What can I do?”

“Although Joohyun has only been working here for a few weeks, she has always done her best and worked very hard. She’s proven to be very trustworthy too. Tomorrow is her birthday, and although I told her to go home and be with her family in Daegu, she told me she’ll be working here tomorrow anyway.”

“Really? Tomorrow is her birthday?” Joohyun was around the entire morning until noon, but she never mentioned it to Wendy at all.

“Yeah. I told her to rest, but that kid, ah…” Chef Taeyeon shook her head in dismay. Then she continued, “Joohyun said she’d rather work. I don’t understand her sometimes, mostly because she doesn’t talk about herself often unless you directly ask her. Honestly, she barely talks. She should loosen up a little. When I was her age, I’d rather have fun and go home to Jeonju[1] on weekends than work some crappy part-time job. I know what it’s like to be in her situation. I want to do something nice for her.”

“Oh, like a surprise?” Wendy could not contain her excitement at the thought of it. “What if we bake her a cake?”

“That’s a great idea. We can make the cake together, but tomorrow, I won’t be around in the morning, so you’ll have to do the surprising by yourself. Do you think you can do that? You’ll have to arrive extra early tomorrow.”

“Yes, of course.” A new mission was added to Wendy’s list. She had never felt so honored to be assigned to bring happiness to someone who has helped her get this job.  _I’ll make it the best cake ever!_

 

After leaving the bakery, Joohyun worked diligently at the Xiah Dragon Noodles until 10 p.m. When she got home, she could not sleep early, so she continued browsing the internet through her phone until past midnight. Insomnia was common these days.

The next morning, she needed to go to work at the bakery again. Noise emitted from her phone, signalling her to wake up.  _Rise and shine…_ Joohyun stretched her arms and groaned to another bright sunrise. However, the moment her alarm was off, and her eyes opened to the view of the white ceiling, she did not want to get up at all.  _I want to sleep. I just want to sleep. Maybe 10 more minutes…_

Suddenly, her phone began to ring. Joohyun rolled over to her side and extended her arm to grab her phone from the bedside table. “Ugh, I wonder who it could be…”

When she grabbed her ringing phone, she saw that it was her mother calling. “Hello? Mom?”

“Hyun-ah!” Her mom affectionately greeted at the other end of the line. “How’s my birthday girl doin’?”

Her eyes grew wide and her pulse picked up pace as if she had taken a double shot of espresso. She quickly stood up from her bed and shuffled through the mess of books and papers spread on the table until she found the toppled desk calendar beneath the pile.  _Oh, right! Today is my birthday!_

Joohyun gave off a nervous laugh and replied, letting her natural accent flow, “Ah-hah, doing a’right, Mom. Just woke up.”

“Well, happy birthday, my dear. Wishin’ you were here so I can cook seaweed soup[2] for my baby’s special day—”

“Oh, Mom,” Joohyun said, trying to sound like she was not touched at the fact that her mother even bothered to call her today. She had never been the type of girl to show a lot of emotion even to her family.

“I’m really missin’ you, Hyun-ah. I sent you a small amount of money as a gift. It ain’t much, but I hope you can go get yourself somethin’ nice today,” her mother went on.

“You didn’t really have to…,” Joohyun whimpered trying not to cry. Although it has only been a few weeks since she left Daegu to live in Seoul, she missed her family so much. Just hearing her mother’s voice made her heart ache to go back and see them. “…thank you. Thank you for everything.”

“Oh, it’s only but a small thing, my dear. I know you been workin’ hard lately. Your mother’s always rootin’ for you, darlin’. Take good care of yourself.”

“H-how’s Dad?”

“Well, you know… I’m sure deep down he’s very proud of you. Don’t push yourself too hard…”

 _I know, Mom. “Don’t be so hard on yourself for the things you can’t control.” You don’t have to tell me that every time we talk,_ Joohyun thought as tears started slipping from her eyes. She even ended up saying those words to Seulgi and Wendy once. When the phone call ended, Joohyun sat there, not sure if she wanted to cry or not.

Back on her last year of high school, her father got into an accident which left him paralyzed. He was still alive, and still holding on, but the costs for “fixing” the damage done were more than they could afford. From then on, Joohyun took it upon herself to work hard and do her best for her father. Since her parents cannot pay for her education anymore, she maintained her reputation as a straight-A student with the benefit of a full scholarship, all while working as many part-time jobs as she could. This also meant that she did not have time for friends and other things.

Because of her excellence, she got an invitation from one of the top universities in Seoul (one of the top universities in the country). They were giving her an opportunity to transfer and receive free education with a great internship opportunity from the nation’s top broadcasting station. She wanted to turn it down at first, for she wanted to be close to her family lest they need her. However, her mother insisted she pursue her dream and study at a top university anyway. Her mother did not want her to shoulder the burden of her father’s paralysis.

But no—she was her father’s child. She knew she had the responsibility of doing something about it. Even though she never told her mother directly, she continued working hard in Seoul to achieve her dreams in broadcasting, but with the ultimate goal of helping her struggling family. She had never bothered to tell her mother exactly how difficult it was for her, but she was so touched to hear her mother cheer her on as if her mother had sensed her tiredness somehow.  _Just push yourself a little more, Joohyun,_ she thought to herself. Although it was difficult right now, she would not give up. She then put her phone down and decided to start the day right.

Early that morning when she arrived at the entrance of the bakery she saw the sprightly baking assistant, Wendy, excitedly waving at her with a big, wide smile.  _I’m glad she’s feeling better,_ Joohyun thought. Joohyun waved back with a smile as well.

“Hello! Good morning, Joohyun Unnie!” Wendy exclaimed, as if she had never been happier to see anyone else.

“Good morning, Wendy,” Joohyun greeted back. “Did things work out between you and your student Yeri?”

“I haven’t seen her yet, but I’ll try to make it work this following week. I’ve been thinking about what you said with the question. I think I know what I can ask her.”

“Oh really?” Joohyun just chuckled, slightly shaking her head as she went past Wendy to unlock the steel rolling gate.

“Oh, Unnie wait!” When Joohyun finished lifting the gate and entering the passcode for the glass door, Wendy suddenly stopped Joohyun on her tracks and grabbed the door handle before Joohyun did.

“Huh? What are you doing?”

“Oh, ha-ha!” Wendy laughed in a slightly awkward tone. “Sorry, I just need to—” Before she finished her sentence, she hastily made her way into the shop, and ran to the cold storage room.

With furrowed brows, Joohyun mumbled, “What’s up with that girl?”

Upon stepping into the shop, Joohyun called out to Wendy, wondering what in the world the girl was up to behind the “staff only” door. Wendy did not answer. Instead she heard some shuffling and clanging of pots and pans…  _What is she doing this time?_ Joohyun wondered. After Joohyun has placed her purse in the little cabinet behind the counter and worn her apron, she decided it was best to see if Wendy was doing okay.

“ _C’mon, c’mon!_  Why isn’t this thing lighting up?!” Joohyun heard the girl mumbling when she slowly pushed the swinging door open.

Joohyun turned her head from left to right to scan the room and spotted the junior baker on the corner of the kneading table with her back turned against her. “Wendy, what are you—”

Wendy’s knees went weak, as she wailed in embarrassment. She slowly knelt there on the floor with her back still turned against Joohyun; her head hung down in shame as if she had done the most disappointing deed in the history of man. As she went down, a simple, yet adorable cake with white frosting and sugar flowers was revealed to the birthday girl. There were five coloured sticks of candles stuck on the top. She did not get to finish lighting them all up. “I’m sorry… The shop owner told me about your birthday, and this was supposed to be a surprise, but I forgot the spare key the shop owner gave me at home, and I really wanted this to be perfect because you were so nice to me yesterday, and…”

“Oh Wendy, don’t be upset!” Joohyun said with an amused laugh as she bent down to help Wendy stand up. She neatly brushed Wendy’s bangs with her fingers, and dusted off the hem of her shirt. Then she turned to the cake and asked, “Did you make this yourself?”

“Chef Taeyeon and I worked on it together yesterday afternoon,” Wendy explained. “She said you’ve been working hard, so I suggested making a cake for your birthday…”

“Aw, thank you so much for this. I really appreciate it,” Joohyun said as she marvelled at the cake Wendy had made for her. She did not expect anything interesting to happen today. She expected to spend this weekend like any other weekend,  _but then this!_   _Wow, I even get to have cake today!_ It was precious little moments like these that remind her— _life is worthwhile._

“Should I light them all up so you can make a proper wish?” Wendy asked.

“Sure!”

With the help of Joohyun, Wendy finished lighting up all five candles. The birthday girl clasped her hands together, closed her eyes, and blew…  _It has been pretty difficult, but I wish, I wish… I wish that I can be stronger. Physically. Mentally. Emotionally._

The smile that lit up Joohyun’s face was the prettiest and the brightest Wendy had ever seen that day. If Joohyun did not have many friends, then maybe she can be there for her instead.

“Happy birthday, Joohyun Unnie!”

***

Seulgi went to the university area and wandered around, looking to waste some time. She knew she should be studying instead, but she couldn’t really concentrate, as usual. Today, she had to take her mind off  _certain_  things.

 _How could I be so stupid? Why didn’t I just let Wendy rant on about her problems?_ Seulgi thought. The conversation she had with Wendy the past Friday night was not very pleasant for her. Although her comment that night was not a big deal, she still felt bad she did not give Wendy emotional support when she needed it then. So yesterday, Seulgi did not come home from studying until late at night, then stayed in the living room only to go to bed when she was sure Wendy would already be sleeping. She did not want to face her. It always felt awkward for her after fights—even though Wendy didn’t really fight with her. She just felt guilty about it anyway. She was soft like that, especially for her cherished friend Wendy.

Seulgi browsed through an assortment of gift shops, accessories stores, fashion outlets and more in Seoul’s bustling university area. There were a lot of people in that part of the city. Crowds of youth flooded every corner. Today was an especially bright and dazzling spring day and the budding cherry blossoms were almost at its peak—probably why more people were out and about.

When she passed by the street lined with claw machines, something caught her eye—a hoodie  _Ryan **[3]** _ doll. The stuffed creature was a mane-less lion that appeared to be a bear wearing a sky-blue hoodie, and there were lots of them in that one machine. The bear-like lion had a striking resemblance to her, who wore comfy hoodies on a regular basis.  _That one looks cute._ Seulgi grabbed her wallet and took a peek. She had 15,000 won. One shot at the machine was worth 1,000 won.  _Hmm… It wouldn’t hurt to try…_

Seulgi inserted her 1,000 won bill into the slot and began the game. After positioning the claw at her chosen prey, she pushed the “grab” button and began praying for luck. The claw dropped, grazed the stuffed bear, and went back empty handed.

“Ugh, what a rip-off!” Seulgi grumbled. Then she took another bill and inserted it into the slot again. “Maybe I need to try again.”

The claw dropped again, grabbed one doll, but it fell before reaching the prize hole. “That was so close! Ugh, I need to try this again…”

Seulgi kept trying until she lost 5,000 won, but still no stuffed toy. After her fifth try, she was out of 1,000 won bills and was only left with her 10,000 won bill. If she wanted to continue playing, she will have to convert her 10,000 won bill into 1,000 won bills.

“This won’t do,” Seulgi shook her head. “I can’t waste  _King Sejong **[4]**_  on my bad luck. I could buy myself a decent meal with this.”

Seulgi dejectedly left the claw machine area and continued walking. As she kept on wandering, she stumbled across a toy-arrow shooting booth. Three tries for 5,000 won. And the prize for acing all three tries? A three-foot hoodie Ryan doll.

“Oh, no problem! I can easily get that!” Seulgi exclaimed. The other try-outs were having a difficult time, but sporty Kang used to take archery lessons. “How hard can shooting toy-arrows be? I’ll be the one doing the ripping-off this time!”

Seulgi walked up to the booth and was greeted by the man running the booth. “Step right up! Step right up! Are you up for the challenge, young lady?”

The determined bear gave him money and was given a toy bow and three dull arrows with magnet points. All she had to do was get all three in the target to obtain her prize.  _Let the hunt begin…_

***

“I guess, I really should take it easy,” Joohyun sighed. Then she chuckled, “For the first time in a while, nobody wants me to work at all.”

Joohyun went to the Xiah Dragon Noodles for her evening shift, only to be told to take a leave. They wanted to do her a favor of giving her a break on her birthday as well. Now she has no idea what to do with all this free time. Since she already made an effort to do her makeup and dress decently, she thought she would go shopping for stationery that afternoon. She bought herself a new purple notebook with a cute drawing of a bunny on the cover. She has liked purple and bunnies since she was a child. It has been a while since she bought herself something nice.

Later, while aboard the railway that passed through Han River, Joohyun got a glimpse of the afternoon sun over the glistening waters. Migratory birds flew above the horizon, and small boats could be seen sailing through the wide expanse. It was a beautiful, peaceful sight. Although the past weeks were gray and gloomy, that day on March 29th, the skies were clear, and the weather was warm and sunny. She knew what she had to do. Instead of heading to her dorm, she went down the nearest station on impulse.

Han River, the wide, extensive river that ran across Seoul, was always a popular destination. The city folks enjoyed spending time at the parks by the water, just relaxing, exercising, or even camping. Joohyun had been here with her family once before when she was younger. They were tourists then. The view of the setting sun was glorious. The western golden sky would be lined with scattered blood-red clouds, and dyed shades of purple and indigo in the east. It was an unforgettable memory.

Joohyun went to a more underrated area of the river to avoid the crowds. It was a weekend, and there were hordes of people wanting to enjoy the spring weather. When she found a great spot to view the sunset, she sat on the grass and took a deep breath.  _It’s been a while._ The grass was fresh and full of life; the trees were budding in preparation for cherry blossom peak season. A mother duck and her ducklings drifted with the stream, and flocks of pigeons soared overhead. Past the pigeons was the wide-open sky, with clouds resembling rows of cotton floating beneath the blue backdrop. It was beautiful. However, as she stared at the serene view, she could not help but feel lonely. Here was a beautiful view and a beautiful day, but she had no one to share it with. She was all _alone_.

Suddenly, there was a shout from afar. “Joohyun Unnie!”

Joohyun looked to where she heard the shout and found her young friend Kang Seulgi sprinting toward her, carrying a large stuffed bear. Seulgi Bear and her teddy bear—nothing could have been more adorable. What a pleasant surprise. It seemed like they always end up bumping into each other in random places. And right now, it was at the perfect timing. In that instant, Joohyun’s face was lit up with the same bright smile Wendy saw at the bakery earlier.

“What’s that?” Joohyun said in an amused tone, referring to Seulgi’s stuffed bear.

“I won it at some fair.” Seulgi placed the bear beside Joohyun, fixed her hair, and sat properly with her legs crossed on the grass.

Joohyun grabbed the stuffed bear with both hands exclaimed, “Wow, this bear-thing looks a lot like you!”

“Technically, Ryan is a lion without a mane,” Seulgi corrected her.

Seeing Joohyun laugh and smile so brightly made Seulgi’s distressed soul feel slightly better. The sound of Joohyun’s high-pitched screeches and giggles ringed music to her ears. Anyone who could hear such a beautiful noise is lucky. Seulgi felt lucky. Coincidentally meeting Joohyun like this more than twice—it felt like destiny somehow. She thought that God sent this beautiful angel to give her advice, treat her to food, and make her feel better.

“Do you want some cake?” Joohyun still had more than half of the cake Wendy made for her. After Wendy surprised her with cake, she ate some with Wendy and later shared it with their boss, Chef Taeyeon. They had a mini-party at the bakery before Chef Taeyeon sent her away to rest. If she did not share the cake, she would not be able to finish it all.

Seulgi took a plastic fork and shoved a piece in her mouth. It was soft and moist. It wasn’t too sweet and overbearing. It was perfect. It all screamed just one thing into her head: “Wendy made this, didn’t she?”

“Yes, she’s very talented at it, isn’t she?” Joohyun said, eating a piece with her fork.

“Oh yeah. I know very well. I live with her. She makes this stuff almost everyday,” Seulgi responded nonchalantly.

“You must enjoy that then, since you obviously love food, little bear.”

Seulgi forced a fake smile with her mouth full. She did not want to talk about Wendy. She was out here for the sole purpose of avoiding her. Even just talking about her was too awkward. Then she pushed the cake aside. “I can’t eat too much. It’s your cake.”

“I don’t mind.” Joohyun really didn’t mind. Seulgi stopped eating anyway.

“It’s very nice here. I don’t think I’ve been to this part of the river before,” Seulgi said, changing the topic. She wiped her lips with the back of her hand, but still had some crumbs on her chin. Joohyun noticed this and wiped it for her using a napkin. “I like to wander around, you know. I walk and walk and never get lost.”

“It’s my first time here too.”

“So, Unnie, why are you out here alone? Don’t you have a job at the Chinese restaurant?”

Joohyun cringed at the word “alone.” “They told me to take a day off. It’s my birthday today.”

The bear’s jaw dropped. She wasn’t Sherlock or anything, but now she knew why there was cake. She should have known. And yet, there was another mystery: “But if it’s your birthday, shouldn’t you be out with friends or something?”

The naive bear did not catch on to how uncomfortable this question began to make Joohyun feel. The lonely unnie avoided Seulgi’s gaze and just focused on the golden river while awkwardly scratching the back of her neck. “I don’t really have friends—just acquaintances.”

Seulgi frowned. How could such a sweet _unnie_ have  _no friends_? It did not seem right. Everyone needs friends. Seulgi had friends, and although they always pick on her, she relied on them a lot, especially Wendy. If Wendy was not around, she probably wouldn’t know what to do. Even the bear cannot imagine a life with no friends. Now she was starting to feel bad for avoiding her friend Wendy instead of facing her problems with her.

“Don’t feel bad for me though,” Joohyun continued. “I’m doing fine even though I’m mostly alone.” That was one lie she had been trying to convince herself for some time.

“Are you sure?” Seulgi could not just believe that statement.

Joohyun sighed and lied down on the grass. As she stared at the fluffy clouds slowly turning into shades of yellow and orange, she breathed out, “Well, I guess sometimes a little company wouldn’t hurt.”

Seulgi grabbed the stuffed Ryan doll and held it over Joohyun’s face, covering the view of the clouds. Then she spoke in a high-pitched voice and moved the stuffed bear with her hands like a ventriloquist. “Hi, Joohyun Unnie, can  _we_  be friends?”

A smile slowly formed on Joohyun’s melancholic face. Then she sat up and laughed with a shriek. “What are you doing?”

Seulgi held the bear to cover up her face and made it talk again. “My name is Seulgi Bear, and I want to be your friend so you wouldn’t be lonely!”

Joohyun just found it so innocently immature and ridiculously adorable. Seulgi then placed the stuffed bear on Joohyun’s lap and then told her with her real voice, “Here, you can have her. Whenever you see this bear, I hope you remember that I’m your friend. Happy birthday, Joohyun Unnie.”

After that adorable proposition, Joohyun laughed for a long while until Seulgi, in all her awkwardness, began to laugh along with her. They spent the rest of the afternoon and watched the sunset together. They continued to hang out all through the evening, watching the lights glistening on the river. 

* * *

 

[1] 전주 – a city in Jeolla Province (Taeyeon’s hometown)

[2] 미역국 – soup Koreans eat on their birthday

[3] A mane-less lion character from Kakao Friends

[4] 세종대왕 (Sejong the Great) (1397-1450) – 4th King of the Joseon Dynasty (figure printed on the 10,000 won bill)


	8. Playing With Water (물놀이)

#  **Chapter VI** **.5**

 

**Playing With Water**

물놀이

 

“Gosh, Seulgi, you are so adorable!” Joohyun said, laughing out loud as she strolled down the river with her. One hand held the stuffed lion-bear tightly, while the other hand was linked with the walking-talking Seulgi Bear. Contrary to her previous image of being cold and mysterious, Joohyun had loosened up to Seulgi. Her true colors were colorful and bright—as crisp and clear as the sound of her sprightly laughter. She was also a lot more immature and playful than Seulgi had previously thought. It was a new side of Joohyun that she had not seen before, and it sure was a pleasant sight.

The skies were dimming as the sun dipped into the horizon, and streetlights began to illuminate the path. They have been there for a while, just talking and enjoying each other’s company past sundown. It was like a romantic date—well, close enough.

They took turns throwing question after random question to get to know each other more. Seulgi found out a lot of little details about Joohyun that day. Like how Joohyun loved staring at the sky and taking pictures of trees. Her favorite season was spring—when the cherry blossoms were at their finest. She liked to write. She kept a journal. Her favorite hobbies included doing laundry and ironing, though that may sound odd to most people. She wasn’t too bad at cooking either. She never had a boyfriend, and guys who smoke were disgusting to her. She was never friendly with animals either, though Seulgi on the other hand, loved animals.

Though Joohyun told Seulgi a lot of things, only one thing was in her head the entire day: she realized loved Seulgi’s company very much and she did not want this day with her to end. She knew if the day ended, she will be back in university tomorrow Monday morning, sitting alone in long, boring classes and burying herself in loads of school work. _Alone._

 _“I want to be your friend so you wouldn’t be lonely!”_   That line echoed in Joohyun’s head with every step.  _“I hope you remember that I'm your friend.”_ Yes. Joohyun would remember. She would remember forever, and never, ever forget. What has happened since the rainy day on the bus stop was beautiful. She made a friend. She didn’t think she would make one, and she certainly would never have thought it would be a random stranger at a bus stop either, but she was very thankful.

Then, Seulgi suddenly stopped walking. “Look, it’s Mapo Bridge.” The bridge was lit up at night, appearing to be a floating line of lights connecting the city to the other side of the river.

“It’s pretty…,” Joohyun said in a low whisper.

“Yeah, the night view here is really pretty...,” Seulgi agreed. “Have you heard the news though?”

“What news?”

“They say a lot more people try to jump off and kill themselves there nowadays. It’s all over the news. I feel sad when I see the news nowadays. There are a lot of really awful things there.”

Joohyun face made a scrunched up expression at the younger’s words. Today was a beautiful day and tonight was a wonderful night. What was the point of bring up something depressing? “Let’s talk about something else.”

Seulgi smiled brightly again. “Sorry. I guess I watch television too much. Um, let’s see... next topic... Can you swim?”

Joohyun let go of Seulgi’s arm and playfully hit it with a light slap. “Hey, isn’t that somewhat related?”

“Well, can you?”

Joohyun linked her arm with Seulgi’s again and answered, “No, I’m scared of water. Can you swim, Seulgi?”

“You’re scared of water?”

“Yeah. I don’t like going in for a swim. I’m scared.”

Seulgi began to look concerned. “Why?”

“When I was a kid, I almost drowned while swimming with my family in Busan. A huge wave just swallowed me out of nowhere. It was really scary. If my dad did not save me, I probably would have drowned there. I never went swimming in the ocean again after that.”

“Oh... That must have been an awful experience for you.”

“But hey, you didn’t answer my question yet though!” Joohyun acted up, trying to be bright and cheeful and not linger in dark thoughts. “We’re supposed to take turns, Kang Seulgi.”

“Okay, well, I’m not very good at swimming, but I like playing in water,” Seulgi answered.

“Tch, you’re a useless friend then. How will you save me if I drown?” Joohyun scoffed. Although Joohyun, who was in such a blithe state, was just kidding around, Seulgi stopped walking and frowned. The bear seemed to have taken the comment a little too seriously. So then, the _unnie_ shook the baby bear’s arm and said, “Oh, come on, I was just teasing. I don’t think you’re useless. And it’s not like I’ll ever go swimming in deep water again anyway.”

Seulgi stared down into the shorter girl’s eyes and bit her lip. Joohyun stared back at her—the light from the reflection of the water dancing in her beautiful eyes.

“I really like you, Joohyun Unnie,” Seulgi finally blurted out. “I’ll prove to you I’m not a useless friend. I’ll be a really good friend to you— _a really good one._ I promise you. I’ll make you never forget me.”

Upon hearing those words, Joohyun’s heart melted deep inside. She has never met anyone who wanted to be her friend so badly. In all honesty, Joohyun had no idea how to respond. She felt so honoured and maybe even confused as to why one high school girl would pledge such a thing. No one has ever said those words to her before. It seemed so outlandish, yet it gripped her heart in such a tender way.

 _Aw, but Seulgi, you don’t have to prove anything to me. You’re a pretty difficult person to forget, especially after running with me through the rain and giving me this giant Ryan doll_..., she wanted to say, but never said.Joohyun just slipped off her arm from Seulgi’s and grabbed the younger girl’s hand. Then she said with a slight chuckle, “I’m sure you will.”

***

Dear Purple Bunny Diary,

…Today, I was not alone. Today, I was very happy. Today was the best birthday ever.

Below the inscribed text was a drawing of a dandelion-colored bear wearing a light-blue hoodie and beside it was a white cake with red heart candles.


	9. Candy Wrapper (포장지)

#  **Chapter VII**

 

**Candy Wrapper**

포장지

 

March turned to April, and spring was at its peak. The city was dotted with shades of white and light pink as the cherry blossoms showed off their sweet beauty. Birds, insects, and other small creatures have come back from wherever they all had hidden during the winter. The temperature has also gotten a lot warmer, and small popcorn-like clumps had blossomed on the branches of the tall cherry blossom trees. By then more people had been coming out for strolls and pictures. During this time of the year, almost everyone would switch to tourist-mode. For everyone knew, that once the spring rains come back, all these pretty flowers would start falling to the ground as well, only to be trampled and laid to waste. Why not enjoy it while it lasts?

Unfortunately for most students, there is such a thing as the “mid-term curse.” Mid-term exams were usually set on the peak season of spring (around April for the first semester) or the peak season of autumn (around October for the second semester). This means that although the spring cherry blossoms are at its finest, due to the mid-term exams, they would waste away the season studying, instead of enjoying it. (This goes the same for autumn mid-terms when the deciduous leaves are at the peak of their glory.) Nevertheless, for whatever reason, most students still found a way to ditch the schoolwork to enjoy the season. Cherry blossom season does only come once a year.

“Seulgi Unnie!” Soo-Young called out when she saw her _unnie_ friend walking into the school gates that morning. She hung her arm around Seulgi’s shoulder and pulled her close as they continued walking.

“Good morning, Soo-Young,” Seulgi greeted back with a yawn. School is too early for bears.

Soo-Young smirked and reached into the pocket of her denim jacket. Then she held out a chocolate bonbon, something she knew Seulgi would like. The bear loved food. Who could resist foreign candy? “You want some?”

Seulgi’s face immediately lit up upon setting her eyes on the little treat. “Ooh!”

The hungry bear took the candy and unwound the twisted foil. Inside was the very promising brown goodness. But when Seulgi put it in her mouth and began to chew, she hit Soo-Young with her wimpy fists and spat the thing out of her mouth.

“Ew! What was that?!” Seulgi said in fiery rage.

 _“Life is like a box of chocolates; you never know what you’re gonna get!”_  Soo-Young went into a fit of laughter, even beginning to tear up like it was the funniest thing she had ever seen in her life. “That was brown clay! Happy April Fools!”

“You’re so evil!” Seulgi yelled, hurling the candy wrapper at her. “That thing could have killed me!”

Soo-Young just shrugged and said, “It’s non-toxic clay, and you didn’t die, so everything’s good, right?”

After recovering from the clay-chewing incident, Seulgi looked behind her and saw that Wendy was just entering the school gate. Soo-Young followed Seulgi’s gaze and formed another devious smirk on her face. The prankster reached into her pocket and held out another fake candy. “Let’s see how she reacts to this.”

When Wendy caught up with the two, Soo-Young slyly asked, “Wendy Unnie, I have some bonbons. You want some?”

Seulgi was staring at Wendy so intensely that Wendy became so sure something was up with them. “Look, whatever joke you’re trying to pull this April Fool’s Day, it won’t work on me.”

“Come on, just have some!” Soo-Young insisted, taking Wendy’s hand and placing the sweet on it.

When Wendy unwrapped the foil, she immediately knew what she was in for. “Ha-ha, nice try, Park Soo-Young, but you’ve got to try better than this. Anyone can tell that it’s obviously not chocolate!”

“Oh yeah? Well, Seulgi Unnie fell for it,” Soo-Young said proudly. Seulgi just grimaced in embarrassment.

“Have you heard from your aunt again about Yeri?” Wendy asked Soo-Young.

“Not really…”

After meeting Joohyun the past weekend, Seulgi and Wendy had made up and were no longer avoiding each other, but Yeri has not come for another English lesson after the last one. She was supposed to come yesterday, but the only thing that came that day was a phone call from Yeri’s mother apologizing because Yeri did not want to go for lessons. This first week of April also passed, and they had not seen the kid at all. The following weekend, Joohyun greeted Wendy, asking about how things went with her student, but the frustrated English tutor still had no answer. Wendy had tried messaging Yeri, but the middle-schooler never replied to her or read her messages. Soo-Young also tried messaging her cousin, but she would stop replying every time she brought up the English lessons. Maybe Yeri has officially decided to quit.

Despite that, Park Soo-Young, the close cousin of Yeri, the one who knew more about the little middle-schooler than Wendy ever did, thought that this whole “silent-treatment” was totally out of the norm. Tenacious little Yeri had bickered with Wendy and the others a few times before, but she would often come back smiling again, as if nothing ever happened. She was never the type to start ignoring people for a whole week.

“Call me Sherlock or something, but there is something else going on with that kid,” Soo-Young assumed. “Either that, or her ‘2nd grade middle-school disease’ has really come to an all-time high!”

No matter what the reason was, Wendy will not stand for this though. This wasn’t even about the English class anymore. This was about her friendly, sister-like relationship with Yeri. She could not stand the thought of being in bad terms with her, and she had plenty of reasons. She needed to make amends or it might drive her insane.

Therefore, after almost two weeks since the last English lesson, Wendy came up with a plan: she will just have to find Yeri herself and confront her. Soo-Young even gave her the directions to the girl’s middle school and plotted it with her. As Soo-Young advised, they had to leave after final period on a school day if they want to catch Yeri before she leaves school. Seulgi, however, thought the plan was just stupid and unnecessary, but she kept that to herself.

“So, when are we going to see Yeri? This Thursday? Friday?” Soo-Young asked during lunch period. She gave her all the important information. She wanted to be in this plot too.

“ _We?_  What do you mean ‘we’? I’m going alone,” Wendy firmly told her.

Soo-Young raised a brow. “What do you mean you’re going alone? I helped you out so much with this and you’re just going alone? Yeri is my cousin! And do you honestly think you can pull this off without me?”

“Look, Joohyun Unnie gave me plenty of advice about this. I need to talk to Yeri alone, okay? The _‘alone’_ part is important, for your information. I already got everything figured out. You’ll just mess it all up if you were there.”

Soo-Young raised both brows, taken aback by the offensive assumption that she will “just mess it all up.” Before she could retaliate, the school bell started ringing, and lunch time was over. Wendy Son immediately got up with her tray, leaving Soo-Young and Seulgi at the table.

Seulgi, on the other hand, had other thoughts.  _She told Joohyun Unnie about this?_

On Wednesday night, Seulgi entered the room she shared with Wendy and found her packing some home-made brownies into her navy-blue backpack. The bear sat on her bed and asked, “Ah… brownies, the exact ones Yeri loves. You’re going to see her tomorrow, aren’t you?”

“Yes,” Wendy said. She continued looking over her stuff and checking if she had everything she needed.

“I can’t believe you’re cutting final period just to talk to Yeri. You never skip class.”

“Yeah, well I don’t have time on weekends. I don’t really want to go all the way to her house when her parents are around either.” Wendy zipped her bag and sat on her bed to face Seulgi. “I’m desperate.”

“So, what lie should I start telling everyone when they start looking for you tomorrow?”

“What?” The genius—as smart as she was known for—did not seem to get Seulgi’s drift. “What lie?”

The bear shrugged. “Oh, you know. Of course, the teachers and everyone else will ask me why if you suddenly disappeared on final period. Everyone associates you with me, if you haven’t noticed.”

“I don’t know, Seulgi. Headache? Stomachache? Lame excuse, I know, but it doesn’t really matter,” Wendy replied nonchalantly.

Seulgi shook her head and stood from her bed. “This isn’t like you. You never break rules, and you were always the model student. Now you want to skip class just because some little kid is ignoring you? Why are you so desperate to make up with her anyway? Yeri wasn’t even very nice or respectful to you. If she wants to avoid you so badly, why don’t you just let her? Why are you giving yourself a horrible time? You can just move on and forget about it. She’s leaving for the UK with her family in the summer anyway. Who knows if she’ll ever come back.”

Wendy sighed. “It’s for my own peace of mind, Seulgi. Please understand. And if you think this isn’t like me, then think again. I’m not a model student. I’m not perfect.”

“What about  _my_  peace of mind?” The caring bear has not stopped thinking about Wendy because of this whole fiasco. It was not her problem, but as if they were joint to the hip, Wendy’s distress was also getting passed-on to her somehow. Then Seulgi sat back on her bed. “You know what? Never mind.”

“What?” Wendy walked up to her and asked, “What is it, Kang Seulgi? If you have a problem, just say it.”

“Look, I don’t know why I even bother. It’s not like I’m involved in this. It’s not my problem—it’s yours, but I worry about it like it’s mine.”

“Then stop thinking about it—simple as that.” Wendy walked back to her bed and placed her pencil case inside. “Nobody told you to worry about me, but you do it anyway, even though you know it affects your concentration in school. Quit giving yourself a horrible time. I’m already sorry for not having time to help you with school like I used to. I don’t want to you to fail high school because of me.”

“I told you the exact same thing earlier and you throw it back at me, huh?” Seulgi retorted. “Here’s the thing—you’re my best friend. That’s why I worry about you.”

Wendy zipped her bag and went to sit beside Seulgi on her bed. She then ruffled the bear’s black hair and insisted, “I’m fine, Sluggie. I can handle this tomorrow, and hopefully you don’t have to keep worrying.”

 _Well, you don’t act fine at all,_ Seulgi thought, but she did not bother to speak further.

***

 _"_ Hello, Joohyun Unnie! How are you?”Seulgi typed on the text box of her messaging app later that night when Wendy was already sleeping. Ever since Joohyun’s birthday when they exchanged numbers, she had messaged her a few times when she was bored or when she could not sleep. Since Seulgi could not really see Joohyun often, she thought she should at least send friendly messages to her to show that she truly cared, even though she really had nothing to say.

 _“_ Hi Seulgi Bear! :) I’m working on a report. Ryan is watching while I’m working. ㅋㅋ He’s not very chatty but still very good company ㅎㅎㅎ,”a reply came. _“_ Why aren’t you sleeping yet? Go to sleep, Kang Seulgi.”

“I’m in bed. Besides you’re not sleeping either,” Seulgi typed in _._

“Touché. But I just have to finish this report quickly.”

“Am I bothering you? Sorry Unnie I’ll message you tomorrow.”

“It’s fine Seulgi. You can keep messaging me ^_^ ”

Seulgi smiled as she read those words. She searched for a heart through her sticker collections and sent it to Joohyun.

“Seulgi maybe before my midterms.. you and I can go to Han River again? It’s cherry blossom peak season! The trees are really pretty nowadays <3 I really want to go, but I think it’ll be more fun if we go together. I’ll treat you to a meal too. Sound good??”

Seulgi tried not to giggle too loud from feeling giddy at Joohyun’s message. This was the first time Joohyun ever asked her on a date of sorts. Actually, it was the first time they will be meeting on purpose and not coincidentally.“Of course, I’ll go with you :P Just contact me, and I’ll be there!!!”

“Thank you, Seulgi!! How about this weekend?”

“Don’t you have a part-time job this weekend? Or is it your birthday again?”

“ㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋ No I’m taking a break from my jobs starting this weekend to focus on midterm studies ㅋㅋ But that doesn’t mean I won’t have time for you and cherry blossoms.”

“OK so it’s a date then?”

“If you think of it that way.. sure.”

After a while, Seulgi changed the topic.“I heard you gave Wendy advice.”

“Yup. We’ve been talking a lot nowadays.”

 _Huh? Really?_ Seulgi was a little surprised. Now that she thought about it, Wendy’s rambles had been reduced to a minimum in the past two weeks—ever since the last English lesson. Wendy used to always talk to her about literally everything and anything, but she did not mention Joohyun often. Was it possible that Wendy had been pouring out to Joohyun now instead of her, without letting her know? Obviously, it was none of her business anyway if Wendy didn’t want to tell her things, but…  _Was it still because I told her I was tired of hearing her rant?_ Seulgi had a lot of questions.

“Is it about Yeri?” Seulgi asked Joohyun.

“Well yeah.. We talked about that and a lot of other things too.”

 _A lot of other things too, huh?_  It was a strange feeling for Seulgi. She did not know if this was a good thing or not. It just felt strange for her best friend to suddenly confide in someone else. Obviously, Wendy would be a lot better off talking to the wise Joohyun Unnie rather than her—even _she_ knew that. But for some reason, it just felt like she lost a part of Wendy—a part of her best friend.

As she was contemplating this, another message came in. “You take care of your friend Wendy ok?”

Seulgi tossed and turned to face the wall and snuggle her pillow. She had no idea what to reply to that. If anything, it was usually Wendy taking care of her, not the other way around. Not knowing what to say, she just replied with “okay.”Yet somehow, she felt a little…jealous? She was not sure what feeling it was, but to find out that Joohyun and Wendy had a connection that did not involve her made her feel an unknown emotion that was… not so pleasant. She could not complain though. She has another date with the lovely Joohyun Unnie this weekend.

 

The next day, the spring rains were bound to make another appearance. From early in the morning, it was overcast, everything looked drab and gray, and the air smelled of earthy petrichor. Wind picked up speed, bring in dust and ripping off cherry blossom petals with every gust.

As the hours passed and final period was on its way, Seulgi kept a close watch on Wendy. For someone who had never ditched school before, Wendy really had a lot of guts—or so Seulgi thought. Even Soo-Young called her crazy for not wanting any help. If anyone would know how to properly ditch a class, it certainly would not be Wendy. And in all truth, she had no idea how she was going to do it.

During the short break before their homeroom teacher stepped into class, Wendy suddenly stood up. Seulgi looked at her with a worried expression on her face. Before Wendy could muster the courage to step out of the classroom door, their homeroom teacher suddenly appeared. Poor Wendy sunk back into her chair, not wanting to look Seulgi in the eye.

 _I knew it. I knew she can’t do it,_ Seulgi thought as she bit her lip while watching the homeroom teacher erase the markings on the whiteboard.

Suddenly, another teacher from the freshmen class knocked at their classroom door. “Excuse me, can I speak to Kang Seulgi and Son Wendy please?”

Seulgi and Wendy looked at each other. What kind of trouble did they cause now?

“What’s the matter?” their homeroom teacher asked.

“My student Park Soo-Young has not been feeling well and probably needs to go home early, but her parents cannot be contacted at the moment. It was suggested that Kang Seulgi and Son Wendy take her home, because they are neighbors. Surely, it won’t be a problem if they miss final period, right? Soo-Young is not looking well. It will be best if they accompany her home.”

Seulgi and Wendy’s homeroom teacher looked to their direction and said, “You there, Kang Seulgi, Son Wendy, you’re both dismissed.”

When the two of them finally met Soo-Young at the nurse’s room, they saw her sweating and groaning on the bed. The two of them helped her up, but she could barely stand. “Soo-Young, are you okay?”

“Argh… ugh…urgh…e-every-t-thing hurts…,” Soo-Young slurred.

Wendy, who thought this was very suspicious, asked, “What the heck happened to you? You looked fine earlier—”

“Ack!” Soo-Young stomped on Wendy’s foot, making it look like she did it by accident. Then she whispered, “Just play along, you morons.”

After trudging out to the bus stop away from the teachers and school nurses, Soo-Young stood up straight, wiped the sweat on her forehead, and acted like nothing happened. Then she said to the two of them, “Okay, let’s head off to the subway station. It’ll be faster that way if you want to see Yeri.”

“Wow, that was some acting,” Seulgi chuckled. “I thought you were really sick! You’re also really warm—like you caught an actual fever.”

“I used hot packs all over. I pressed one on my forehead before the nurse touched me,” Soo-Young took a hot packet from her pocket and handed it to Seulgi. “I begged them not to send me to a hospital either and it magically worked. This figures… the higher-ups and headmasters are total morons sometimes… Then I asked if you guys can take me home. And besides, there was no way that they would doubt anything that involved either of you, because neither of you are troublemakers—especially Wendy Unnie.”

“Gosh, Park Soo-Young…” Wendy held a palm to her head. “I told you I’m going alone.”

“Oh yeah?” Soo-Young raised a brow at her. “Do you think you could have pulled that off without me?”

The school genius stood there, defeated and muzzled speechless by the awesomeness that was Park Soo-Young.

“Yeah, I didn’t think so,” Soo-Young said with a proud smirk on her face. “Let’s go.”

When they arrived at the station after about an hour of drowsing in the subway, Soo-Young stopped walking and tightly held Seulgi’s arm to stop her as well. “Walk straight and turn right at the stoplight. You’ll find the middle school there.”

Wendy turned around. “So, what, you’re suddenly not coming?”

“You said you wanted to go alone. I don’t want to  _mess everything up_ , like you so  _delicately_  put it. Seulgi Unnie and I will wait for you in this bowling alley,” Soo-Young said with a hint of sarcasm. Apparently, they were standing by the entrance of an underground bowling center. Then she handed Wendy the long, blue umbrella that she borrowed weeks ago (but apparently still had not returned until today). “It might rain, so take this. Good luck, Wendy Unnie.”

“Thanks.” Wendy muttered in annoyance, her face red with embarrassment. She then turned back and followed Soo-Young’s instructions. Soon, she was out of sight. Soo-Young then dragged Seulgi down the stairs to the bowling center.

“You’re taking me bowling?” Seulgi said, looking around at the wide bowling alley. Other than some professional-looking men practicing at the end of the room, they were the only ones at the place today. “It’s been a while.”

Soo-Young asked for hers and Seulgi’s shoe sizes and claimed a lane for the two of them. After they changed shoes, they chose their balls and placed them on the rack.

“You ready to take out some steam?” Soo-Young asked, as she presumptuously raised a brow as she held a seven-pound bowling ball in her arms. She then handed the ball to Seulgi and patted her shoulder. “You go first.”

“Why’d you let Wendy go alone? I thought you wanted to go with her so badly?” Seulgi asked as she held the ball close to her chest.

“Honestly, I just wanted to ditch class.” Soo-Young took off her deep green backpack and took out a can of Pringles and a bag of imported chocolate bonbons. She also took out two cartons of strawberry-cheesecake flavoured milk. “Besides, Wendy Unnie needed us to get here. It’s her last year in high school. I want to let her have the experience of ditching class. That’s, for sure, something she cannot do without me. Also, you and I get to have some great alone-time together.  _On a school day. Because we ditched class._  Don’t you like that? Besides, if she wanted to meet Yeri all alone, fine by me. I just didn’t want her to fail trying. She’s the school genius, but the biggest dunce at these things.”

“You’re so weird. Sometimes I don’t know why I’m friends with you,” Seulgi said, inserting her fingers into the holes of the bowling ball. “I don’t understand you at all.”

“Yeah, but you don’t regret it, ‘cause you get plenty of adventures and fun stories to tell to your grandkids in the future. This is the whole point of being young,” Soo-Young aloofly told her, placing the chocolate candy into her mouth. This time, it wasn’t made of clay. “Come on, Winne the Pooh, show me what you’ve got!”

Seulgi held the ball close to her chest, took a few steps, and swung the ball downward in one fluid motion. Her form looked flawless upon execution. Anyone could tell she had this athletic charm to her. Unfortunately, the ball swerved to the left and fell into the canal without hitting a single pin. Maybe she needed a little practice. Soo-Young clapped her hands and laughed so hard. Watching Seulgi fail while looking so cool was one of the reasons why she was here. She was a big fan of Seulgi’s odd charms. The bear’s charms exceeded her abilities sometimes.

“Stop laughing,” Seulgi said, laughing at herself as well. “I haven’t done this in a while.”

“Well then, take another turn and try to get a spare,” Soo-Young dared.

Seulgi took another ball and inserted her fingers in the holes. She focused hard on the pins meters before her, relaxing herself before delivering the blow. The ball rolled and hit three pins at the very left side. Her ball seemed to like turning left for some reason. Seulgi gnawed at her lip and clenched her fist.  _At least I hit something._

“Ha! Good job!” Soo-Young held her hand up for a high-five. Seulgi lightly tapped her hand and took a seat.

Now it was Soo-Young’s turn. Soo-Young confidently grabbed a ball, wiped it with a towel, and took a deep breath. At that moment, her expression changed. There was sharp glint in her eye displaying power and determination. It seemed she was serious about this. She was not just playing around. With a powerful swing of her arm, the ball swiftly ran through the middle, knocking out all the pins at once. It was a strike. Seulgi’s jaw dropped.

Soo-Young made a bunch of undecipherable noises while her jittery footsteps jogged in place. Then she confidently dropped her butt like a bomb on the seat beside Seulgi and exclaimed, “Ha! Beat that!”

“I don’t think I can do that,” Seulgi said, standing up from her seat to take her turn.

“Yeah, probably not, but who knows,” Soo-Young told her. “I always thought this was more about luck than pure skill.”

Seulgi went ahead and took her turn again. She only hit one pin. After that, she knocked out four. She was proud of that four. The two just continued to take their turns as they conversed.

“So, how’s studying for midterms coming?” Soo-Young asked.

“I’m not confident,” Seulgi dejectedly replied.

“Don’t tell me you’re giving up on high school.”

“No, I’m not giving up. Joohyun Unnie once told me that it all ends when I stop trying. Yet at the same time she told me not to be so hard on myself for things I can’t control. I’m not sure what she meant by that though.”

Soo-Young ended her turn and held out the can of Pringles and a piece of bonbon to the older girl. “Want some?”

Seulgi took the can of Pringles and began to munch on them, forgetting that it was her turn to bowl. This Pringle-hungry bear also ignored the bonbon. She was not going to take chances with that candy again, even though it wasn’t a prank this time. Soo-Young frowned and ate the chocolate herself.

“Well, she’s not wrong,” Soo-Young told her. “I think it means you shouldn’t be too upset about the exam results if it ends badly. You may suck at studying and maybe bowling, but you’re good at a lot of other things.”

“Now that I think of it, Wendy’s problem was something I could not control, and I was pretty upset about that,” Seulgi said in deep thought. “I hope she makes up with Yeri today. If not, I’ll go crazy as well.”

“Hey, I don’t like it when Wendy Unnie is upset too, but honestly, I don’t think this is about Yeri—well maybe not entirely,” Soo-Young took her strawberry-cheesecake flavoured milk carton and opened it. She slipped in a straw and took a sip. Then she pointed to the bowling monitor and said, “You should take your turn. Those pins don’t knock themselves over on their own.”

Seulgi stood up, still staring at Soo-Young. “If it’s not about Yeri, what’s it about then?”

“Let’s just say Wendy Unnie has a few secrets.” Soo-Young looked up at Seulgi with a wink.

“What secrets?”

“I don’t know, but if you haven’t noticed, she has issues,” Soo-Young said, as if it was rather obvious. It was not obvious to the naïve bear though. Seulgi always thought Wendy wore her heart on her sleeves, but nowadays, it did seem like Wendy’s actions were a bit out of the “super-nice-model-student” norm.

“Wendy Unnie has this odd obsession with pleasing everyone, and she gets  _so_   _down_  when she can’t fulfill that. It could be that she’s just naturally nice, but I think she has a different reason,” Soo-Young continued.

“What did she tell you?”

“She never told me anything. But whatever it is, it’s probably not something she wants to talk about. I’ve been trying to figure it out myself, for quite some time, actually. But you can’t rush these things, I guess. We’ll have to wait until she’s ready to open up about it. I think Yeri has some issues she doesn’t want to tell us as well–probably why she’s being more stubborn than usual. Tell you what, those two are totally problematic. Put them together and you bet it’ll be chaos—like volatile chemicals on steroids.”

Seulgi suddenly remembered Joohyun’s text message last night. _Wendy has probably been talking to Joohyun Unnie about things she could not say to me or to Soo-Young,_ Seulgi thought. Who knows? Maybe Joohyun knew more about Wendy now since apparently, they talk often nowadays. As she thought about the situation, she took her turn and knocked down 7 pins–the most she had knocked out so far.

“Whoa, looks like you’re getting the hang of it again.” Soo-Young gave her a high-five.

“Anyway, how do you know they have problems if they’re not even telling you?” Seulgi asked, grabbing another ball from the rack. “Don’t tell me you’ve turned into some sort of psychic mind-reader all of a sudden.”

“Well, no psychic—trust me, I’d love to read minds if I could—but one time, I saw my friend Rosé crying in the bathroom. I always thought she was this bright, positive church gal with this exotic English accent who’s always eager to be learning about Jesus all the time.” Soo-Young held her palm up and flapped it to personify angel’s wings. Then she continued, “It was strange seeing her cry alone. Turns out she had problems she didn’t want to tell anyone. She really poured out her suppressed feelings to me that day. I ended up crying with her in the bathroom.”

Then Soo-Young grabbed another bonbon wrapped in foil. “Do you remember how you were fooled by this candy on April Fools?”

Seulgi nodded.

“That’s because of the wrapper. You don’t know what’s inside. After that day with Rosé, I realized that people are sort of like that. We all have wrappers that hide our real thoughts and feelings. It’s like acting or playing pretend games. That’s why you can’t judge a book by its cover, or in this case, a candy by its wrapper. But I guess, some wrappers are more see-through than others, if you get what I mean.”

“Man, that’s deep,” Seulgi said with the same blank expression she usually had when she was trying to process things. Then she asked, “I get how Yeri can have ‘secret issues’ or whatever—with her foul attitude nowadays it’s kinda obvious—but how are you so sure that Wendy is keeping something from us? She can’t even lie without being obvious.”

“She’s not lying or keeping it from us; she’s just not telling us.”

“What’s the difference? That’s kind of the same, isn’t it?” Seulgi took another swing of the ball.

Soo-Young stood up to take her turn and continued the conversation. “Would you tell me the colour of your underwear for no reason, even if I don’t ask for it?”

“What? No.”

“That’s probably how Wendy Unnie feels about it. She probably wouldn’t tell us unless it suddenly became relevant information. Call me weird, but I’d be glad to cry in a bathroom with Wendy Unnie too if she’d let me.” Then Soo-Young looked directly at Seulgi with that familiar seductive glint in her eyes and added in a sultry voice, “And of course,  _you_  can cry in a bathroom with _me_ too,  _if_   _you want_.”

Soo-Young let out a psychotically-sounding guffaw after that last sentence. Well, at least to Seulgi, it sounded like the disturbing laughter of a deranged psycho. Seulgi grimaced and shook her head. She’ll have to pass on that offer. Nonetheless, Soo-Young enjoyed making Seulgi uncomfortable that way.

“Soo-Young, I don’t know how you came up with all of that, but if it’s all true, then you’re a  _mad_ genius. More mad than genius, but still a genius.”

 


	10. Hate (싫어)

#  **Chapter VIII**

 

**Hate**

싫어

 

Wendy turned and walked to Yeri’s middle school with her umbrella in hand, cursing herself under her breath. Being with Soo-Young was a little embarrassing earlier. She hated to admit it, but the way Soo-Young devised and executed her school break-out and made sarcastic comments pointing out the school genius’s “pathetic-ness”—all while helping her out—was strikingly cool. She probably has to thank Soo-Young later for being the super-cool devious bad girl whom had helped her ditch class. And yes, she truly did regret telling Soo-Young that she will “just mess it all up.” Without Soo-Young she would have proved to be an even bigger loser.

As Wendy continued down the paved sidewalk, droplets began to tap her head—another greeting from the spring rains. Even with the pinkish, cloud-like cherry blossoms and bright-yellow Korean goldenbells, the entire world started to look grey. Wendy pressed the blue button by the umbrella’s handle and it swung upward forming a small canopy of protection for her. _Ugh, even the weather just hates me sometimes, doesn’t it?_

Upon arriving at the school gate, Wendy noticed the students were already leaving and coming out of the building. An array of umbrellas in different colours came and went through the wide courtyard and past the gates. Wendy tilted her umbrella back to lean on her shoulder and looked from left to right, trying to find Yeri.

After a while of craning her neck and standing on tiptoes, she finally spotted the eye-catcher. Yeri easily stood-out even in the crowd of children wearing a uniform black-and-white garb. Her distinguished big, pretty eyes and bright, adorable smile was hard to miss—a dazzling bundle of charm, that’s for sure. She was standing under a taller girl’s umbrella, immersed in what seemed to be light-hearted conversation. This other girl with the long black hair standing beside Yeri appeared to be enjoying her company as well, and from the aura of their interaction their closeness radiated even from a distance.

“It’s fine, Yerm. You can ride with me and my mom,” the taller girl with the umbrella told her.

“Aw, Saeron, you’re always a lifesaver,” Yeri said with a fit of giggles that resonated even through the white-noise-like rain taps.

As the two girls walked together to the gate while sharing an umbrella, Yeri suddenly stopped in her tracks. There before her was a familiar high school lass with a blue umbrella, awkwardly standing by the gate, looking directly at her. The familiar _unnie_ lifted her hand up for a stiff wave of a hand, signalling a hello.

“Do you know her?” the taller girl named Saeron asked.

“Huh? Oh, yeah...” Yeri lost herself at the sight of her English-tutor _unnie_ for a second there. “You go on ahead to your mom’s car. Wait for me, okay?”

“Alright,” Saeron nodded.

Yeri then ran toward Wendy, unfazed by the drops of rain. When Yeri was close enough, Wendy shared her umbrella with the girl. “Don’t run in the rain like that. You can get a cold,” the caring older girl advised her.

“Unnie, what are you doing here?”

“I came to see you.” Wendy affectionately pinched Yeri’s cheek. Seeing that Yeri was still beaming smiles and hopping like the little 13-year-old that she was, she felt relieved. Baby Yeri seemed to be doing well.

However, that bright disposition did not last very long. Yeri avoided her _unnie’s_ gaze. Her smile disappeared and was replaced by a look of shame. Seeing that sudden change of mood concerned Wendy a bit. It might be because of her very presence that this frown was suddenly drawn on the otherwise jolly kid.

“Why?” Yeri asked.

“I just wanted to know if you’re doing well. I… I kinda missed you, to tell you the truth. And you haven’t been replying to my messages so…,” Wendy said, feeling a bit embarrassed to say it, but it was nonetheless her honest feelings. There was no need to mince words.

Yeri blew up her cheeks, her pupils wandering everywhere else but Wendy’s eyes. She looked rather uncomfortable about this unexpected visit, and even more uncomfortable upon hearing her English tutor tell her that she missed her. She hadn’t exactly been the nicest kid lately. “I-is that it?”

“Well, I’d really like to talk for a bit, but maybe you should go with your friend for now. We can talk some other day if that works for you. The weather isn’t cooperating either.”

Yeri glanced at the white sedan waiting out there for her. She then lifted the grey hood of a sweater underneath her formal jacket and ran toward the car.

Thinking the conversation was over, Wendy then turned back, ready to head back to the bowling centre near the subway station and head back home with her two friends. But then sounds of splashing footsteps coming from behind were getting louder and louder...

“Unnie, wait!”

Wendy turned around and saw Yeri running toward her. The younger girl then stepped under the shelter of Wendy’s blue umbrella to avoid the rain.

“You’re not riding with your friend?” Wendy asked, looking a bit confused.

“I told her and her mom to go ahead without me.”

“Why?”

Without answering Wendy’s question, Yeri just held onto the older girl’s arm and proceeded to walk with her. The shorter, younger girl stuck close to Wendy, and being the _unnie_ that Wendy was, she made sure to tilt the umbrella a little more to the left to keep the younger dry. The couple continued walking down the street, neither knowing what to say, nor where to go. After a while, the wind got stronger, and the droplets of rain started to fall diagonally with the direction of the wind, hitting them with a burst of mist and making them wince.

“Look, there’s a café over there,” Wendy said, pointing to her left at one of the shops by the sidewalk. “Should we stay there for a while?”

The two, sprinkled with drops of rain shower on inevitable areas like legs and arms, stepped in the small dry café. The interior was warm and homey, with small potted plants and dainty glass vases with little lavenders in them. Wendy placed the blue umbrella in the provided umbrella bin, where the customers could leave their wet umbrellas before taking their seats. There weren’t many customers though, so it was like they had the small venue all to themselves.

Wendy and Yeri took off their backpacks and dropped them on their chosen seats before going to the counter to get their order. At the counter, the older turned to the middle-schooler and asked, “Do you want anything? I’ll treat you.”

_Tch... Of course Wendy Unnie’s treating me. She always does._ Yeri did not expect anything less.Not even Santa Claus would have mercy to not-so-nice children, but Wendy was even more charitable than certain “saints” sometimes. Yeri scanned the menu and chose her drink. “Banana Smoothie.”

“What about some waffles? Do you want waffles?” Just like Soo-Young described, Wendy’s generosity was not much of a habit and more or less a sort of obsession.

“You must have earned a lot of money while working at that bakery, huh?” There was a sarcastic tone in Yeri’s voice, and Wendy was unamused by that comment.

“Yes, I did. Now, do you want anything else?”

Yeri hesitated but finally gave in. _You can’t say no to free food._ “Yes, I want waffles too—the one with strawberries.”

Wendy then placed their order and the two went back to their chosen seats and sunk in the cushions.

“It’s raining pretty hard,” Yeri made small talk in a soft, low voice. She was trying not to be awkward around the English tutor she was rude to a few weeks ago. She wasn’t even sure as to why Wendy came all the way here, but she knew some important talk was probably going to come around... right about… _now_. And she was going to allow it—just to get it over with already, before it dragged on for too long.

“Are you doing well?” Wendy asked, also trying not to be awkward, but in the process, being and sounding even more unbearably awkward.

Yeri forced grin. “Yeah.”

“Really?”

“Never better.” From her tone and her face, it was obviously a big fat lie. That, or she was just terribly uncomfortable right now, or both. Wendy ignored it though. Then Yeri asked a question in English. _“How about you?”_

_“Honestly,”_ Wendy began in English, but slow enough for Yeri to catch on. _“I don’t know. Maybe I’m not feeling as fine as I thought I was.”_

_“Reeeally?”_ Yeri responded, trying to sound like she was interested even though she wasn’t sure she wanted to find out where this conversation was heading.

“I’m really sorry about the English lesson, okay?” It finally slipped out of her mouth—in Korean. She wanted to sound sincere but it did not come across that way because of how stale the air felt at the moment.

“No, no, no.” Yeri stiffly shook her head. “I’m the one who should be sorry. I’ve been mean to you. And I ignored your messages.”

“It’s okay. I forgive you.” Wendy gave the young girl a wry smile. “Since we’re going to be here for a while, we can talk, right?”

Yeri gulped. She did not like the sound of that. They were in a quiet café on a gloomy rainy day. It seemed like the perfect setting for a break-up or a tragic revelation like in those dramas and movies in flashy screens—or so Yeri thought. The youth are so into television and video-streaming sites nowadays. 

“I just have a few questions for you. I thought about them a lot, so answer me truthfully, okay?” Wendy added.

That sounded even worse than the previous one. Even worse than the resonating screeches made by hardened chalk clawing a smooth blackboard. Yeri heard it often in one of her worse algebra classes. The uneasy girl couldn’t do much but scratch that non-existent itch behind her ear and nod.

“I’m going to start with the second question now, because you already answered my first question,” Wendy continued.

“What was the first question?”

“‘Are you doing well?’ That was it.”

Yeri gave a sigh of relief. “Oh… What’s the second one?”

She had no idea what the questions will be. There was just something so nerve-wracking about this. Usually, this audacious kid was never scared of people, but right now, Wendy intimidated her. Wendy, in all her cordiality and graciousness—and pancake-feeding sweetness—ironically began to intimidate her more now than when they were spitting curses at each other.

_Here comes the question._ “Can I tell you a story?”

Of all the questions that would have run through Yeri’s second-guessing thoughts, that certainly was not part of the list. “Is that the second question?”

“Yes.”

Yeri’s brows went up, still confused as to what was going on here. So, she replied in English,  _“Fine, go ahead. Story away.”_

Wendy took a deep breath and exhaled. Then she closed her eyes, as if trying to remember something she had buried within the deepest darkest corners of her memories. “Back then, when I lived in Canada, I had an older sister.”

“Y-you did?” Yeri for sure had heard something else before—that Wendy was an only child. Or at least, she always heard that Wendy did not have any siblings. Wendy never said she had any siblings.

“Yes,” Wendy affirmed. “Soo-Young doesn’t know this. Even Seulgi doesn’t. It’s not my first time telling this story, but I really want you to hear it.”

Yeri took another gulp. _Oh dear, here it goes..._

 

_Last weekend at the bakery…_

“Wendy, are you okay?” Joohyun asked in concern, seeing that Wendy was beating up a slab of dough again. After the crying session a day before her birthday, she made it a point to check on Wendy more often.

“My student Yeri won’t show up,” Wendy told her, continuing to hit and toss the dough with all her pent-up frustration. “She won’t even answer my texts.”

Joohyun grabbed both of Wendy’s arms and just forced her to stop. Though she was tiny, the college girl was actually a lot stronger than she appeared to be. “The dough did nothing bad to you. Quit assaulting it. The bread police might come,” Joohyun said with a quirky chuckle. “Talk to me. Come on.”

“I told you. Yeri hates me.”

“Is that it?” Joohyun’s big round eyes stared at her with the intent of dragging out every single little dark secret she had ever kept in her life—or at least that was how it appeared to Wendy. Joohyun’s pair of magical black pearls were not to be lied to or messed with. Wendy’s hardly-ever-speechless mouth just opened and closed without a sound. “Miss Scary Bread Police” loosened her grip on the junior baker’s arms, and the intense look on her face softened. Gently caressing Wendy’s sore fists, she said, “Even if she hates you, you don’t have to hurt yourself for it.”

Wendy stared down at her hands, still being held by Joohyun’s delicate touch. For a second time, tears began to drop without her permission.

“Oh, sweety...” Joohyun once again held the girl for a warm, comforting embrace, patting the back of Wendy’s head as if Wendy was her agitated baby. The biggest difference this time, however, Joohyun was slightly chuckling. The previously standoffish college student seemed a bit more bright and happy nowadays, but Wendy did not share the same mood, unfortunately. “What is going on, Wendy Son? Your mood swings are really going on all sorts of roller coaster rides nowadays…”

Trying to take hold of her emotions again, Wendy broke off the hug before the tears got worse. At this point, she thought maybe it was time—time to be honest. After blowing her nose for the last time, she looked down, not wanting to meet Joohyun’s eyes for fear of breaking down.

Finally, she said, “I used to have an older sister when I was still in Canada. She would have been your age right now. She was caring and gentle—a lot like you.”

Joohyun stayed still—her entire focus on Wendy. The term “used to” and all the past-tenses ringed in Joohyun’s ears. Her bright smile turned to an expression of sympathy. Wendy noted how Joohyun often stared intently whenever she talked. She used to think Seulgi was the best listener, but after meeting Joohyun, she realized that the  _unnie_  was in a whole different level of listening and sympathizing.

So Wendy continued, “When you touch me and hold me like this, you remind me of her. It’s like... she’s in you, somehow. When you hug me, the memories get so vivid, that it overwhelms me. Just like you, she had this... this amazing power to comfort me especially after days when some kids in school picked on me. And she used to always come to pick me up from school, because she could drive.”

Then her pace began to pick up. “But my sister also annoyed me more often than not. She nagged. My parents liked to compare me to her. All ‘cause she was perfect. I hated it.”

Joohyun’s frown could not have curved higher, but it did.

“I was in middle school at that time—just a little older than Yeri is now. And god—I was awful. I was nothing but awful. And a smart-ass. And ironically, being such a smart-ass got me making a lot of terrible choices. I fought with my sister often. I don’t remember anymore what my sister and I fought about that one day—I somehow erased plenty of details from my memory. But I remember very clearly telling her I didn’t need her. I wished she would stop bothering me. I didn’t want to deal with her. I ignored her. I didn’t want to talk to her.

“And strangely enough, as if an evil genie was listening, the next day... my sister... she never got to pick me up after school. I... I saw it with my very eyes. Her old Cadillac was about to head within the campus gates… and I…” Wendy paused, her eyes brimming with tears once more. “I remember whispering to one of my friends… _‘Here comes my annoying sister,’_ and then… s-sud-denly…”

Joohyun ran her hands up and down Wendy’s arms, giving the younger a tender look of sympathy.

“A h-huge... s-s-speeding t-truck... rammed… against h-her car… It happened... s-so quickly…”

“Oh, gosh Wendy…,” Joohyun mewled, as if she could see it all happen before her eyes as Wendy told her story. “I’m so sorry…”

“I s-struggled for the next f-few months… Although it was a drunk driver’s fault, I f-felt like it was mine. Finally, I applied for the f-foreign exchange program, not only because it was my dream to visit Korea... but also because I wanted to r-run away from that place… from that memory… from that version of myself… that version of myself that ended up _killing_ her…”

Joohyun held Wendy’s chin up, her eyes fixed on her unwavering. “It was an accident. It wasn’t your fault. You shouldn’t blame yourself.”

Wendy was slowly calming down. “I know. But what’s the difference? I already did the unthinkable in my head... I wished her away... and got the awful thing I wished for. To have it end like that—to have it all end without me being able to say sorry—is the very nightmare I wanted to erase. I did not want to remember any of it. That’s why ever since I came here to start a new life I never told anyone about her...”

“Wendy...”

“Anyway, about Yeri… She’s moving to London soon. I don’t want her to leave being in bad terms with me. I don’t want to end up being in bad terms with anyone, knowing anyone can end up disappearing like my older sister did. I don’t want to be the same jerk that I used to be. I know it probably doesn’t make any sense to think this way, but I can’t... I just can’t help it. I don’t want to end up regretting it all again...”

Touched by what she had heard, Joohyun gave the sobbing girl a sweet, motherly smile. “Then maybe you should tell her that. Go meet Yeri and talk to her alone. Tell her how you feel and how much you care about her. You’re very strong and mature, and you have a good heart, Wendy. I’m sure if she hears about this, she’ll understand.”

***

After telling Yeri all about her deceased sister, Wendy said in a low, sombre voice, “So, Yeri, I know you probably don’t like me that much, but… I really hope we can stop fighting. I’m not going to ask you to come back and study English with me if you don’t want to. All I want to ask for my third question is, can we make up and be good friends again? Please?”

Not knowing what to say, Yeri swallowed the lump in her throat, trying to keep the tears contained in her eyes upon hearing Wendy’s tragic past. For a while, both of them just silently sat there, with nothing to be heard but the muffled taps of rain and soft piano music played through the café speakers.

Then breaking the silence, Yeri spoke, “Honestly, Wendy Unnie, I don’t hate you. I was never really angry at you.”

“You weren’t?” Wendy looked up while drying her tears. She felt slightly relieved that Yeri didn’t end up making some mean comeback.

“Look, I’m really sorry for being such a bad student, okay?” Yeri repeated. “I was just angry at something else, and I kinda took it out on you during our English sessions, and I shouldn’t have. You’ve always been so nice to me. I’m sorry.”

“If you’re not mad at me, what were you upset about then?”

Yeri leaned closer to the table and stabbed a piece of waffle with her fork. “I’m not sure either,” she sighed. “Going back to question one—honestly, I just don’t feel so good nowadays.”

For the first time ever since Wendy had known the tyke, she saw a different side of her—a serious, melancholic side. This rambunctious kid had always been laughing _with_ people, or laughing _at_ people, or making sarcastic remarks and the snarkiest comebacks with little remorse. But this side of Yeri was something else. Yeri sighed and looked down and spoke in hushed tones. It was almost a different person.

“Nowadays, my mother talks non-stop about our immigration to the UK.” Yeri dipped the waffle in cream but she didn’t eat it and just left the fork on the plate. “And although I thought it would be exciting at first, I just didn’t feel as enthusiastic as I thought I would be. In fact, I feel upset just thinking about it. I’m not sure why. I just don’t want to think about moving. And although I love learning languages, participating in the English lessons put me in a bad mood because they’re somewhat related. That’s why I was not cooperating with you. I'm sorry.”

It pained Wendy to hear Yeri say “sorry” numerous times, but now she finally understood. Yeri, who she thought was a pain-in-the-arse for plenty of reasons, had a lot more in common with her than she previously thought.

“Yeri, can I tell you one more story?”

Yeri met her gaze and leaned back on the cushioned seat.

“When I signed up for the foreign exchange program more than 3 years ago, I was sure this was what I wanted—to move far away and leave everyone and everything behind—to start a new life. But a few days before my flight, I started to feel awful too and I wasn’t sure why, just like how you described. And that’s when I realized what I put myself through—I was leaving my family and friends and my past—everything. I thought it would be easy to just leave it all, but…” Then Wendy took a deep sigh. “I know how you feel.”

“I guess it is the same thing,” said Yeri. “You saw my friend Saeron earlier, right?”

Wendy nodded.

“She’s my best friend. I’ve known her forever. I think I feel upset every time I think about moving to London because… because I’m going to have to leave her, and I don’t want to _._ I’m going to have to leave Soo-Young Unnie and you and Seulgi Unnie, and I don’t want to. I’m going to have to leave my life here, and I don’t want to. I don’t know why, but I don’t want to. _I just don’t want to_.”

Before Wendy could say anything, Yeri stood up from her seat and grabbed her backpack. Wendy noticed the younger girl’s eyes glazed with tears on the brink of falling. “I should probably go home now,” said Yeri, trying to avoid shedding tears in front of her English tutor. “Thanks for the smoothie and waffles.”

Yeri almost just ran off and left, but Wendy caught her arm before the door was opened. “Yeri, take this.”

Yeri turned and saw the kindest _unnie_ ever, handing her a box of homemade brownies. They were her favorite. She would never eat brownies unless Wendy made them. At this point, a line was drawn down her cheek—the trail of a tear from her very eye. The young girl gladly accepted, with a slight chuckle. She could say she was surprised, but honestly, she wasn’t. Of course Wendy would do such a thing. And of course, Wendy also offered her own blue umbrella.

_Of course, this is Wendy Unnie... Even after I’ve been so mean..._ “Thanks, Wendy Unnie.”

 


	11. The Ride Home (집으로 가는 길)

#  **Chapter VIII.** **5**

 

**The Ride Home**

집으로 가는 길

 

 

“You know what? I take it back. You are an idiot, Park Soo-Young.”

“Oh, well, at least I got to be a mad genius in your eyes for an hour or so.”

The bowling session was over and the two other class-ditchers had realized the giant rain clouds have been uncontrollably crying for the past hour and a half. Apparently, Park Soo-Young in all her ingenuity, blew all her measly pocket money on bowling, and left none for the purchase of an extra umbrella. Seulgi had nothing in her wallet either, except for her trusty transport card.

“Wendy’s stupid umbrella won’t be big enough for all three of us,” Seulgi griped. “I guess I’ll just have to use my jacket again…”

“It’s you guys who are the idiots, obviously. I was the one who brought that umbrella along,” Soo-Young retorted. “It would really help a lot if you guys just checked the weather forecast every morning before heading off to places. It doesn’t really matter though. We’ll be in the subway for the entire hour or so trip home anyway.”

“We still have to walk home for 15 minutes after going down at Ansan Station, _unless_ you have money for a cab, which of course, you don’t. Ugh… and I thought I was dumb. Anyway, what’s taking Wendy so long?” Seulgi checked her watch. It was almost 5 p.m. They have been loitering at a bowling centre in the middle of Seoul for almost an hour since they finished their game. It was a good thing that the authorities did not mind.

“I hope she has money,” Soo-Young heaved a sigh. “She’s the richest among us anyway. Part-timer and all…”

“Maybe if you weren’t such a lazy bum and always playing around or lounging around watching TV in my house, you’d be stock-full of pocket money by now, and you could get your own umbrella, instead of borrowing from us,” Seulgi murmured as she rolled her eyes with her head turned away from Soo-Young, so that she wouldn’t be noticed.

Soo-Young, who was sitting beside her, rolled a newspaper she found on the round table and whacked Seulgi’s head with it. “I’m right here! I can hear you, you know!”

“Sorry… Do you still have Pringles?”

Soon Wendy arrived. She came hopping down the steps with her cheek puffed up with air, resembling a hamster. However, there was a noticeable change—her umbrella had somehow transformed transparent clear. Wendy had run to the nearest convenience store to buy one of those cheap clear umbrellas before heading to the bowling centre.

“How’d it go with Yeri?” Seulgi looked up, munching on what was left of Soo-Young’s Pringles.

“It went well… I think.”

“So, she’s coming back for lessons?”

“I’m not sure.”

On the way home from the bowling centre, Wendy did not really elaborate on the details of her conversation with Yeri. She insisted that the talk went well, but unbeknownst to her, she sighed plenty of times for her two friends to actually notice that it still bothered her. She still did not tell them about her past. All she told them was that Yeri was upset about leaving Korea, and that was it. It was odd for the other two, who were used to hearing Wendy talk non-stop in a fast-paced chatter.

“Well, if Yeri doesn’t want to take English lessons anymore, there really isn’t much we can do about it,” Soo-Young told her with her head raised leaning against the glass window of the subway car. Then she took a deep sigh. “It suddenly hit me—now that you mention it. Yeri’s leaving, I mean. I’ll miss that crazy kid. Only a few months more and she’s off to Harry Potter land. She’ll be gone. Off to a new life. A new start.  _Without us._  It’s hard to imagine not being able to see her on weekends anymore.”

All three of them sighed.

“Moving overseas is a big change. It must have been hard for her.” Seulgi also leaned her head back on the glass, subtly watching Wendy beside her. She got the hint that Wendy could definitely relate. (And after what Soo-Young had told her while they were bowling, she planned on observing Wendy and other people a lot more.) 

“She’ll be alright. She’s a strong girl,” Wendy said callously. When everything was quiet again, Wendy just closed her eyes, focusing on the low hum of the speeding train. In a few minutes, she was transported back in time, to when a similar heartache once took place…

 

15-year-old Wendy stood at the arrivals area of Incheon Airport, wandering around, lugging a huge black baggage with her. Her hair was a mess; her eyes were red and puffy from lack of sleep and too much crying. (She cried the entire flight, and the attendants tried their best to comfort her, but to no avail.) Her navy-blue backpack added to the weight, forcing her posture to slouch partly due to exhaustion. Although she had never drunk alcohol in the past 15 or so hours of flight, her head hurt like a bad hungover. If the intermittent bursts of cold winter air coming from the opening and closing glass doors could reach all the way across the hall, she could have just fainted like the paper-like doll that she was. Yet somehow, she was still standing. Barely. It was a miracle she even made it to Korea without getting lost or dying in an airport.

But will everything  _really_  be alright? Can she  _really_  survive this place without her family? Can she  _really_  adjust to this new life she forced on herself just to erase the regrets of the previous one? Or will she just end up piling more regrets on her throbbing head?

The teenager rubbed her eyes for a second. Everything was a blur.  _Right, my glasses…_ After wearing her specks, she saw another Korean girl about her age standing with the rest of the waiting crowd. The girl had headphones on, lazily swaying from side to side, in rhythm with a beat that no one else could hear. Her kind mono-lid eyes were scanning the crowd, looking for something— _looking for someone._ And down by her chest, she held a sign board with a rough drawing of a girl with glasses and a name in all caps. “SON WENDY.”

Wendy approached the girl and lowered her head for a slight bow.

“Are you Wendy Son?” the girl asked in Korean. It was a surprisingly new sound to Wendy’s ears, yet she clearly understood it. In Canada, it was either people spoke to her in English or in French, and sometimes even a twisted version of Mandarin. She would hear Korean, too, from time to time when spoken by her parents, and sometimes from other first or second-generation Korean-Canadians, usually mixed with English, but not as clear and pronounced as the pureness of this girl’s accent. Even the way the girl said “Wendy” didn’t sound right at first.

Without saying much, Wendy just nodded. She was honestly too tired to speak. After all that she had been through, her usual chatty self was out on an indefinite break.

“Hi, I’m Kang Seulgi! You’ll be staying with us for the foreign exchange program!” Her slit eyes curved up and her entire face turned into an adorable smiley emoticon. “My parents are at the parking area, and my brother is grabbing some snacks elsewhere… Gosh, that moron…” Seulgi looked around, wondering where her brother might be, and focused on Wendy again. “You look tired. Maybe you should hand me your backpack.”

Without hesitating, Wendy just took off her bag and Seulgi happily wore it for her. Then they went to an empty bench and sat together.

“I heard you’re the same age as me. February ‘94, right?” Seulgi continued the conversation, although she did most of the talking. “You know, since you and I will be sharing a room and live together—plus, we’re the same age and all—we can be friends, right?”

Wendy could tell that the girl was trying hard to get closer to her, but all she wanted to do was pass out. She just lifelessly nodded and hoped she didn’t look too rude.

“Awesome!” Seulgi exclaimed. Then an awkward silence fell. It seemed Seulgi had run out of things to say. The two of them just sat there, not talking to each other. Wendy slowly began to drowse off—her head bowed and her face sank in her scarf.

After a while Seulgi’s brother finally came with a box of donuts. He looked exactly like her, except his hair was shorter, and a lot taller than her. They looked like twins. “Ugh, Oppa, what took you so long?!”

Wendy could barely remember that long car ride to the Kangs’ home. All she knew was that there was this constant bickering of a brother and sister that faded into a hushed buzz… Then there was just the low humming of a car engine.

_“She’s really sleeping peacefully, isn’t she? She barely said anything to me earlier at the airport. I really hoped she’d make better conversation. I suck at talking to people sometimes.”_

_“Shut up, Stupid, she flew from faraway. She’s probably tired. That’s why she didn’t talk much.”_

_“Maybe if you didn’t take too long to get those donuts, she could have rested earlier!”_

_“Tch… Kang Seulgi… you idiot. Shut up before she wakes up.”_

_“Oppa, shhh! …_   _Moving overseas is a big change._   _It must have been hard for her.”_

_“That’s the same thing I said, Stupid.”_

Wendy could hear all of it, and she very much wanted to join in the conversation, but her batteries were on zero at this point. Yes, it was very hard for her. Here she was in a whole new world—helpless and slightly confused. Was it the right decision to leave it all behind and come here? She still wasn’t sure. But did she regret any of it so far? All _three years_ of being here in Korea, did she regret any of it?

“Psst. Wendy. Wendy. Wake up. We’re almost here.”

Wendy opened her eyes to find Seulgi nudging her. Beside Seulgi was Soo-Young, stretching her arms before getting up from her seat. She was back in the subway, and they were nearing Ansan Station. For the first time in a long time, Seulgi’s kind, bubbly countenance gave her that same warm assurance— _that everything was going to be alright._ Or more importantly _—_ that everything actually turned out alright in the past three years _._ Although Wendy may have regretted plenty of things in the past, what she has right now, she would never trade for anything in the world. And maybe, just maybe… Yeri would move to London and find good friends there that would treat her well too. We all need to be moving on, right? Though moving on may not be easy...

As all three of them stood up, Wendy almost fell off-balance, but Seulgi immediately grabbed her arm to steady her. “Are you okay, Wendy? You look tired.”

“I’m fine. I just had a dream.”

Soo-Young stretched some more and yawned as all three of them stepped out of the subway car doors. “I had a dream too. I was eating bonbons the size of bowling balls… Maybe I should lay off the candies for a while. What’s your dream?”

“Huh? Oh, nothing, just a dream about Seulgi.”

“Me?” Seulgi blankly stared at her, a bit surprised.

“A dream about Seulgi Unnie? What kind of dream?” Soo-Young asked.

“A happy one,” she said with a satisfied smile. “I’ll tell you more about it later. Now, let’s go home.”


	12. Power Pill (믿음의 힘)

#  **Chapter IX**

 

**Power Pill**

믿음의 힘

 

_The Previous Night_

_And… submit!_ It was almost 12 a.m. Just ten minutes before the deadline for online report submission. Joohyun clicked the button and breathed a sigh of relief. _Maybe I should work on the other one until maybe 2 o’clock or 3 or so…_

As the reports and projects kept piling up, the more frustrating it became. College has never been considerate of students’ stress, and neither was it merciful to the struggling. Individuals were often overlooked; Joohyun as nothing but another mere number registered in the system. A game was all it was; a very competitive game. The highest scorers get all the benefits. Losers and low scorers had no place here. If Joohyun were to survive in this educational jungle, she had to struggle and claw her way up. She had to make sure her reports did not fall short of perfection. For this reason, she strived to be meticulous word for word. With every assignment, she strived to do well, even though some professors were nearly impossible to please.

As she was typing out her report, an alert of a message came on her phone. It was from Seulgi. Nowadays, whenever Seulgi sent her late-night messages, amusement filled what used to be her lonely hours. Seulgi usually just asked her if she was sleeping or not, to which she would reply “no,” or sometimes a “yes” and a bunch of sleeping emoticons and stickers to be funny. (Obviously if the person was sleeping, she wouldn’t—or _couldn’t_ —reply.) Most of those nights, Joohyun just found a knack for humoring the bear.

“…I just have to finish this report quickly.”

This one was due tomorrow. It was a pain in the hind side, but it will surely be a lot more relieving if she could finish a good fraction of it tonight.

“Am I bothering you? Sorry Unnie I’ll message you tomorrow.”

“It’s fine Seulgi. You can keep messaging me ^_^ ” Seulgi’s messages were like a shot of caffeine to her. She somehow got better at fighting off drowsiness with every buzz of her phone. As she continued to type on her laptop, she suddenly thought of a good idea.

“Seulgi maybe before my midterms.. you and I can go to Han River again? ... ”

She had not asked anyone to hang out with her in ages, but with Seulgi it just felt right somehow.

And after a few more messages about when they would meet and stuff, Seulgi asked, “So it’s a date then?”

A fit of laughter burst through the night. The girl who lived in closed quarters had to force herself to calm down in case the neighbours hear her making a noise. _Gosh, Seulgi, you cannot possibly get anymore adorable that this…_

“If you think of it that way, sure.”

 

The next day while walking through the university campus trying not to drowse off due to exhaustion, Joohyun heard her name suddenly called out by a familiar, manly voice. Before she knew it, a taller young man with clean-cut hair and a sweet, childish smile was walking right beside her. She felt her stomach almost jump out of her body. She hated surprise attacks.

“Bogum, you scared me.” Joohyun held her books so close to her chest, as if she had a heart attack.

“Sorry, Noona,” the young man just chuckled, showing off his dimple. “Thanks a lot for the help the other day though. The professor gave me a pretty good score on the report.”

“That’s great…,” Joohyun said and scratched her eyes outlined with dark circles, sounding a lot more haggard than happy for the boy. She stayed up until 3:30 a.m. last night. It was hard enough to keep from falling apart right on the spot. “Glad I can help.”

Days after Joohyun first met Seulgi on the bus stop back in mid-March, Joohyun made a new acquaintance—Park Bogum. He was a second-year college student, Joohyun’s _hoobae_ **[1]** _._ Although Joohyun did not know most of the students in her department, he ended up sitting next to her one day in a class they were both taking. He seemed to be struggling with the lesson a bit, so Joohyun let him copy off her notes. After that, he often sat next to her in that particular class. And when the teacher told all of them to submit reports, Joohyun helped him out a bit too. She did not mind having him around at all—because it added to her new worthy cause of trying to be a little friendlier to people.

Unfortunately, others had begun wondering if they were in a boyfriend-girlfriend relationship, which made Joohyun rather uncomfortable. She honestly barely knew him and only saw him for that one class. Moreover, she was in no position to be in a romantic relationship right now. She wasn’t even sure if she liked him that way, even if he seemed quite a charmer. And even if she did like him and he liked her back, she was just not sure how she would go about such a relationship either. She barely had experience with friends; having a boyfriend was an even more unthinkable concept.

“Anyway, Joohyun Noona, do you have any plans for the weekend? Oh, right, you have jobs…”

“I don’t have part-time jobs this weekend actually,” Joohyun said, stating the truth.

“Oh great! I was actually wondering if you’d like to go see cherry blossoms with me before they all fall to the ground. I hope that’s not an awkward thing to ask…”

Although Joohyun swore her soul was still sleeping peacefully in dreamland, Bogum’s proposition suddenly shot her back to earth. _Did Bogum just ask me on a date?!_ Her tired panda eyes probably grew twice its size; her lips puckered with her teeth gritted hard, leaving an uncomfortable silence.

“Well, would you go out with me?” Bogum finally said those dreadful words.

“Ah… ha-ha-ha…,” Joohyun breathed in intervals resembling an awkward fake laugh. “I actually have a… a _date_. This weekend.” And it was no lie. She had a “date” with Seulgi—and thank goodness she did. If she didn’t have a plan with that fluffy cub, she would have never known how to reply to this boy.

***

It was Friday, the last “ordinary” day of school before the midterms start for the three high school girls. For the last few minutes of final period, Seulgi sat in her chair, wishing the clock hands would move just a little faster so she can get out of this stuffy room as soon as possible. 

She also glanced at Wendy, who oddly did not seem to be as attentive as she used to be. Her friend was blankly staring down at nothing, unmoving like a still frame. After they ditched class yesterday, Wendy eventually told Seulgi and Soo-Young about her sister in the evening when they got home. Soo-Young was right about it all. They had a few tears, but Wendy told them she finally made peace with herself about it during the subway ride home. From then on Seulgi promised herself to take care of Wendy and always be there for her. But it wasn’t like she hadn’t been doing that for the past few years.

“…and one more thing. After the midterms, there will be a big announcement concerning the school trip,” Seulgi and Wendy’s homeroom teacher announced. Suddenly, the students’ attention was back in place, like they were snapped out of some sleepy trance. “The administrators have been finalizing plans, and it will be announced once your exams are over. I heard it will be a new experience and an exciting time for all students, so please look forward to it.”

The room full of high school kids cheered and chattered amongst themselves, only to be silenced by the taps of a wooden stick against the teacher’s table. “So, everyone, study hard for your midterms, and give it your all. Now, none of you would want to have summer make-up classes or worse, repeat senior year, would you?”

Seulgi gripped her mechanical pencil tightly. _No, no, no repeating._

“Alright, class dismissed. Those who are scheduled for college counselling today, please meet me at my office for your appointment.”

The scene of silent students immediately transitioned to the typical hullabaloo-filled end-of-day routine, wherein everyone packed their things, got up from their seats, and hit up conversations with fellow classmates. Seulgi and Wendy also packed their bags and stood to leave for the hallway.

 _Shoot… I forgot about the counselling… Was it today?_ Seulgi then tapped Wendy and asked, “Don’t we both have counselling today?”

“Oh yeah, I almost forgot about that. We’ll probably have to head for Mr. Lee’s office in 15 minutes or so if I remember the appointment correctly.”

The moment they stepped out of their classroom doors, they were greeted by none other than their loyal friend, Park Soo-Young, as usual. Once again, they were both taken captive by her long arms, securing the two on both of her sides like two little baby chicks under mama hen’s wing.

“Did you guys hear? The school trip will be announced soon. I heard it was going to be a cruise of some sort, like we’ll be riding a boat or ship or something. I hope it’s a huge fancy yacht with champagne and steak and huge tasty crabs,” Soo-Young told them. “And we can feed seagulls and do fishing...”

“Really? A ship? Like,  _Titanic_? Our teacher didn’t say that.”

“Our teacher didn’t say that either. I just heard it somewhere. Some dudes were talking, saying they heard the principal—or was it the vice-principal’s niece…? I’m not sure… But how cool would that be! I’ve never been on a cruise before! The closest thing to a boat I’ve ridden is one of those swan-pedal-boat-thingies by Han River. This school trip is going to be so exciting!” Soo-Young stretched out an arm, reaching for some invisible man in thin air. “‘ _Jack… Come back!’”_

“Well, you better hope it’s not the literal _Titanic_ , ‘cause sinking in the ocean with some hopeless romance _does not_ sound like fun,” Wendy joked, grabbing Soo-Young’s extended arm and pulling it back down so they could hold hands while walking down the hall. “But yeah, I gotta admit—it would be pretty cool if we end up going on a cruise…”

“Yeah, too bad there’s still midterms to worry about,” Seulgi sighed.

Seeing that the dummy bear seemed worried, Soo-Young grabbed something from her pocket and gave one to each of her “troubled” unnies. 

Seulgi looked down on her palm. Soo-Young had given her a candy again. “Is this another one of your pranks?”

“What? No! Are you doubting my kindness right now?” Then the tallest in the middle pulled the two short girls’ heads closer and whispered, “It’ll give you superpowers.”

“Super powers?” The two said in unison.  _Not another one of Soo-Young’s weird concepts..._

“In class, our history teacher mentioned the ‘Placebo Effect’.” Soo-Young proceeded to talk about war and history. “...and since they ran out of medicine for the sick and injured, the doctors and nurses gave the patients fake medicine made of useless stuff, but they didn’t tell them it was fake. The odd thing was that the patients thought it was real so they got cured anyway, just because they believed or had this expectation that the medicine would cure them. It’s the amazing power of belief and positive thinking! They say it’s got something to do with brain science and all that jazz... I’m not sure myself... If you convince your brain that this candy gives you superpowers, it might just be the ‘power pill’ you need to ace the exams next week.”

“You’re crazy, but very informative and convincing. You also pay attention to your classes now. Good for you. I’m impressed,” Wendy said sarcastically. Then she grabbed her other friend with the dumb, blank expression on her face. “But anyway, we have counselling today. We’ll have to go now.”

Seulgi stared down at the candy on her hand while being dragged away, thinking about the “Placebo Effect.” _Positive thinking, huh?_

***

“Ah, Kang Seulgi and Son Wendy…,” their homeroom teacher said as he lowered his eye-glasses and looked over the files in hand. “Who wants to start first?”

The two awkwardly looked at each other, both unrelenting to each other’s stare, until Wendy finally volunteered to go first.

“Wendy, you were an exchange student from Canada since first year, right? And then you extended your stay and became an international student under our school on your second year. How was your experience so far?”

“Well, it’s been great… And I live with her, so it’s all good.” Wendy kept glancing at Seulgi and turning back to the teacher as she spoke. The bear smiled back at her best friend.

“And what are your plans after high school? Do you plan to go back to Canada?”

“Um…” Wendy glanced at Seulgi on her side again and looked up to the ceiling and down at her lap before answering. “I haven’t really thought about it much.”

“Well, if you want to stay and pursue a higher education here, it probably won’t be a problem for you. Your grades are superior above everyone else in the entire school, and if you do end up taking the college entrance exams at the end of the year, with a little more push, you’ll ace it. Tell me, what field are you considering? Law? Medicine? Engineering?”

“I actually don’t know if I want to go to college yet, much less figure out where I want to end up going,” Wendy said, sounding very unsure of herself. Yes, it was true that she can get into a prestigious school anytime she wanted, but that meant little to her right now. “But, uh, I have been working part-time at a bakery during weekends nowadays…and I realized I truly enjoy that sort of thing. I love baking and just being there learning to make bread and pastry.”

“Well, if you’re into culinary arts there are some great schools in Seoul if you want to study here…,” the teacher went on, suggesting things. Wendy took some notes and listened closely. However, as she was writing down names of schools, a dull ache of uncertainty hit her. Did she want to stay here longer, or should she go back to Canada? Her stay here was never intended to be permanent. If she stayed a lot longer, what about her parents? She has not visited them in ages. But just like Yeri, she was not sure she was ready to leave Korea either. It was an odd feeling—knowing she cried so hard before coming to Korea and now she loved the place so much. There were choices to make, and she was not sure which path she should take once she finishes high school.

“Next Kang Seulgi…,” the teacher said with an audibly loud sigh. “Seulgi… Seulgi…”

Seulgi just sat there, already expecting the worst. After all the praise Wendy received, she was sure it would all just go downhill when it was her turn.

“Have you been studying hard?” the teacher asked.

“I’m trying my very best, sir,” she coyly answered.

“And what are your plans?”

Seulgi frowned. “I just don’t want to repeat high school.”

“Seulgi, don’t worry. Judging by your academic record so far, you’re probably not going to repeat high school—unless of course, you manage to completely fail both your midterms _and_ your finals. You said it yourself that you’re working hard, Seulgi. You have improved a lot, and I doubt that you’ll fail your exams, so don’t worry too much. I bet if you do enough on your college entrance exams, you can probably get into somewhere…”

“But what if I want to get into one of the top schools in Seoul?” Before she even finished that sentence, she already began to curse herself in her head. It wasn’t that she was too ambitious; she just wanted to get into the same university that her brother and Joohyun were attending. That particular university was highly prestigious, though, (how her brother got in always mind-boggled her) and chances were probably slim. She just wanted to confirm her chances—if any. As long as there was a very slim chance, she would latch onto that very little chance and will not give up. If her brother could get in, she would never lose hope. And being in the same university as Joohyun was always an exciting thought. (She hoped that maybe she could see Joohyun more often.)

“Well…,” the teacher slowly dragged his words, as if trying to come up with a way to say them as gently and inoffensively as possible. “I won’t say it’s impossible, but you would need a big miracle for that one…”

“Then I’ll pray harder! I’ll work harder! I’ll do whatever it takes!” Seulgi exclaimed with all the burning passion she had in her heart. She won’t give up without a fight. Clenching her fist with the candy in her hand, she knew she had to stay positive and believe in herself.  _Look out world. I, Kang Seulgi, am determined to ace my midterms this semester!_

That weekend, Wendy had to set up the shop all alone since it was Joohyun’s day off. Hours later when Chef Taeyeon arrived, she had to be on cashier duty instead of baking duty, because no one else was available. While there were no customers, Wendy took her phone and began composing a message. “Joohyun Unnie!!! Have a great day off!! I heard you're going out with Seul today. Have fun without me ㅜㅜ”

“ㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋ Don't be beating up bread again while Im not aroundㅋㅋ Did you set up well?” Joohyun replied immediately.

“Yes~ Im doing your job now~~~”

“Do well and work hard Son Wendy! Fighting!ㅋㅋ Maybe next time you and I can hang out together as well^^”

The ring of chimes. The door opened for a new customer. “Welco— Yeri?”

“Hi, Wendy Unnie.” Yeri seemed calm and in a decent mood today—acting like nothing happened between the two of them.

 _Little Miss Pigtails, what a truly pleasant surprise._ “A-are you here for bread?”

“Yeah. My dad is waiting out. Please give me the best ones you recommend. And some brownies would be nice too. As long as you make them, they’re my favorite.”

As Wendy prepared her order, she asked, “So, we’re good now right?”

“Yeah... about that... I was thinking maybe we start over again,” Yeri awkwardly began. “With the English lessons, I mean. I am leaving in a few months, and I probably have to double up...”

“Really?!” Wendy sounded a little more ecstatic now than her initial reaction to the first English lesson. She was glad Yeri was finally accepting her as her tutor again.

“Yeah. Maybe after my mid-terms, we can get back to that. My mom will still pay you, and I’ll try my best to cooperate from now on.” Then she handed Wendy’s blue umbrella to her over the counter. “Thank you for treating me to waffles, giving me brownies, and lending me your umbrella that day.”

But what she really meant was,  _Thank you for forgiving me and being so nice to me. You’re the best unnie ever._ But she would rather not admit that to her English tutor’s face.

Wendy smiled widely, went past the counter and gave Yeri the bread bag. She lightly pinched the little girl’s cheek. “I’ll try my best to be a good tutor. Enjoy the bread.”

***

Seulgi headed to the exact same spot she met Joohyun before. Usually, although it took a good long hour and a bit of transferring from subway station to subway station just to get to the good parts of Seoul all the way from Ansan, Seulgi did not mind. She was used to it—living all her life in the same place and all. Today, however, Seulgi kept an eye on her watch and stayed alert for every time the subway car stopped and announced the current station in Korean, English, Mandarin, and Japanese. It irked her, knowing she had plenty of stops and a transfer left. _Ugh, why is this stupid station so damn far away?_ She could not wait. Today was the day she will finally get to hang out with Joohyun. “Excited” would be an understatement. “Impatiently-ecstatic-to-the-point-of-breaking” would be a close description.

“Seulgi!” the bear heard a shout when she got off the station and wandered a bit by the foot of Mapo Bridge. Joohyun had spotted her mindlessly drifting, and quickly made her way to the bear’s side.

“Hello Joohyun Unnie, it’s nice to see you again,” Seulgi said in a shy, but very delighted voice. And she meant it—it was _truly_ nice to see her again.

Joohyun immediately coiled her arm around the arm of her “date.” “Thanks for coming today, Seulgi. It’s a very nice day today too, isn’t it? Good thing it isn’t raining today!”

The college girl appeared to be very animated today. She was beaming with her pearly-whites exposed and her round eyes resembled a very upbeat toddler’s. She also talked a lot more; her accent resonated with every word out of her pink lips. Seulgi felt herself smile widely as well. If Joohyun was happy today, she was happy too. If Joohyun smiles, she smiles. Little did Seulgi know that Joohyun had a wretchedly exhausting week in university that left her fatigued; she only lit up with happiness because she was meeting her favourite bear today. It wasn’t because she was acting either; she truly did feel good today because of Seulgi.

Today, the two took plenty of photographs and selfies with their phones. It was almost magical, seeing the pinkish-white petals ride with the breeze before floating down over their heads like velvety snowflakes. They also talked on and on as they strolled and rested on park benches. Both of them loved every second of it. It was all the more wonderful, for they were by each other’s side.

Sometimes, Seulgi asked herself, _“Why do I like Joohyun Unnie so much—to the point that I think of her often and want to go to the same university as her?”_ She wasn’t sure herself. There was just something about the older girl’s radiating sweetness and gentleness that she found so unforgettably attractive. And yet, there was an air of mystery to Joohyun that Seulgi also found intriguing—like a sealed book with hidden stories. The more she interacted with her, the more interesting she became. She just wanted to get to know her more. With her “mad genius” friend Soo-Young’s words in mind, she wanted to “unwrap” Joohyun thoughts bare like a candy, even if it would take forever for her to open up.

Their conversations jumped from one topic to another. Opinions on flowers and seasons in general came up from time to time. Then there were odd topics like how disgusting Joohyun thought bees were and how hordes of them swarmed the flowering trees; how caterpillars can be so gross-looking despite the beauty of a full-grown butterfly. Seulgi recalled falling for Soo-Young’s pranks on April Fools, to which Joohyun just ended up laughing in great amusement.

Seulgi also asked advice about getting into university and wondered about university life every now and then. Joohyun would try her best to answer and help her out. Seulgi had come with a few worries, but Joohyun had lots of ideas for her. She suggested that Seulgi made portfolios of her art and try enrolling in an art school nearby instead of obsessing with her grades and trying to get into the same university as her. (Her university was not prestigious for nothing; life on campus was not as glamourous as the stressful minutiae of the students’ reality.) She also suggested Seulgi research every hobby she enjoyed and look up ways she can make a job out of them. However, in the meantime, she still thought Seulgi should try her best in the upcoming mid-terms anyway. 

The thoughtful bear ruminated on Joohyun’s words, making sure to keep a mental note about them. “Do you really believe I can succeed someday?”

“If someone says they believe in you, don’t you feel stronger somehow?” Joohyun asked her.

“Yes.” It reminded her of what Soo-Young said about the “power pill.” Maybe it was a somewhat similar concept. If someone can believe in her, and if she can believe in herself too, she might be able to do anything.

Then Joohyun looked up towards the clear blue sky. Seulgi noticed that the older girl liked to stare at the sky often. “This may sound odd after giving you so much advice, but honestly, I don’t know much. You can listen to me all you want, but the future isn’t something people can really predict. Even I struggle with myself. Every single day, actually.”

“Is that what you meant?” Seulgi stared at Joohyun, admiring the beautiful streamlined features of her side-profile. It seemed that on this dazzling spring day with petals drifting with the breeze, Joohyun had an ethereal glow about her. It was an astonishing sight to behold, making Seulgi wonder how in the world anyone can be so beautiful and have such deep thoughts.

“Meant by what?” Joohyun looked down from staring up at the sky and made contact with the bear’s gaze. Seulgi bit her lip at the sight of her before speaking again.

“You’ve told me before not to be so hard on myself for things I can’t control. Did you mean the future? I kept thinking about it. I doubt that you’d meant I just accept being a dunce.”

Joohyun chuckled upon hearing that quote again. “Oh, that… My mother always told me that. I guess whatever my mother told me, I end up telling other people as well.”

“What are your parents like? You take a lot from your mom, don’t you?” Since Joohyun had brought it up, Seulgi thought she would ride with that topic. She knew Soo-Young’s family, Wendy’s parents (through video chat), and even Yeri’s family; she wanted to get to know Joohyun’s family too.

“Honestly, I look more like my dad.”

“He must be ridiculously handsome…”

“He can’t talk or move or do much of anything nowadays, like a vegetable,” Joohyun just croaked without any intros. At first, Joohyun hesitated, but after remembering Wendy’s confession to her last week, she thought she would step up her game as well. She did promise herself to open up to people more after she had met Seulgi at the bus stop last month. She wished she could tell the story of her father emotionally like Wendy had about her sister, but she just did not want to cry and be depressing today. She has never felt great in a long time since her father’s accident, and being with Seulgi made her want to keep smiling. For once she just wanted to feel normal and hang out with a friend and have a good time.

“A v-vegetable?”

“He’s been like that for a while. But he’s still alive,” Joohyun said a-matter-of-factly as if it was a completely ordinary thing to deal with.

Seulgi fell silent, not knowing what to say.  _Now I know why Wendy talks to Joohyun Unnie often. They can probably relate to each other about these things._  She never experienced tragedy or anything dreadful in her life, so she had no idea how to react when people told her these things. She wanted to ask what happened, but she thought maybe it would be best not to ask further and just let Joohyun say whatever she wanted.

So Joohyun continued, “My mom just says that quote to me to remind me not to tire myself out. I tend to overwork when I think about him. It’s not easy to live on mom’s income alone. That’s why I work hard.”

Both of them let the conversation settle down for a bit. Joohyun saw all the petals resting on Seulgi’s hair and began to brush it all off with her fingers. Seulgi sat still, letting Joohyun’s gentle touch do whatever it wanted. 

“I think my dad would probably be glad to know I made a friend like you, who makes me feel happy just staying here by your side like this. That was something I never saw in my future, but here you are,” Joohyun said as she leaned her head on Seulgi’s shoulder and closed her eyes, subtly steering the conversation elsewhere. “When I was younger, I had always been very shy and barely made friends. My parents worried a lot because of my personality. It got worse after what happened to my dad. I was always alone, and I felt very lonely, especially when I saw how others had friends while I didn’t. But when I met you, I’m not sure why… but I felt… truly happy. You make me happy, Kang Seulgi. Thank you for asking me to become your friend.”

“I’m glad I made you happy and less-lonely,” Seulgi said in a soft voice, feeling Joohyun’s head peacefully resting on her that afternoon. The contact was warmer than the rays of light beating down upon them that day. Knowing she made Joohyun happy got her feeling all sorts of unexplainable feelings. She was very thankful that Joohyun opened up a little more to her. Even after they had gotten up to continue walking and in hand, Seulgi still felt the warm pressure of Joohyun lingering on her shoulder. That scene will forever be on replay in her head, because the thing was, she felt truly happy to be with Joohyun too.

While they were taking a nice stroll, Seulgi felt something in the pocket of her jacket. When she took it out, she found a chocolate bonbon wrapped in foil. _Soo-Young’s bonbon? I haven’t eaten this thing?_

“What’s that?” Joohyun noticed that Seulgi was staring at something in her palm.

“Oh, this?” Seulgi held it up for her to see. Then she took the _unnie_ ’s hand and placed the candy on it. With an gleeful chuckle due to some inside joke, she said, “It’s a power pill. It gives you super powers.”

Joohyun tilted her head to the side, puzzled at what the silly bear’s words.

“If you believe it makes you stronger, then it will—like the pla... something... effect,” Seulgi could not remember what word it was that Soo-Young told her. It was more impressive when Soo-Young explained it. So in her own words, she said, _“When you’re tired or having a hard time, you can eat it and it will give you strength.”_

Joohyun just laughed and shook her head. Whatever it was, the happy virus,  _Seulgi Effect,_ was already taking place. “Thank you, Seulgi.”

After wandering a bit more at Han River, Joohyun bought their dinner—burgers from one of the stands. At the end of the day, when they were about to part ways again, Seulgi held Joohyun’s small hand until they reached the subway station.

“I’ll see you again, right? You’ll spend time with me again, won’t you?” Joohyun asked ever so cheerfully. It had been a great day. In every way, Seulgi was Joohyun’s power pill. She had not known Seulgi for a long time, but Seulgi gave her plenty of strength and she wanted to keep her for a long time. This slightly bigger hand around hers was not easy to let go of, but she knew they will meet again, like they always had.

“Of course,” Seulgi muttered with a bittersweet tone in her voice. The day passed too quickly. She did not want to loosen the grip she had on her little fingers. Joohyun seemed to have caught on that lackluster expression as well.

“What about maybe next week after midterms are over? Your midterms also end at around that period, right?” Joohyun suggested.

“Anytime you want, Unnie, I’ll be there. I’ll always be glad to spend time with you.” _If I could be here for you forever, I would._

“Good. I’ll message you within the week. Maybe we can meet again next weekend and we can watch a movie or something. If not the weekend, then Friday evening will be good too. ”

“Okay, Unnie.” She was trying to keep her cool and not burst in happiness. Joohyun was asking for another date. They were finally getting closer. Nothing could be better than this.

“Good luck on your midterms, Baby Bear. I believe in you. You can do it. Do your best. I promise I’ll see you again after midterms.”

“Thanks, Unnie. Good luck to you too.”  _Thank you Joohyun Unnie, for believing in me._

* * *

 

[1] 후배 – Lowerclassman


	13. Garbage (쓰레기)

#  **Chapter X**

 

**Garbage**

쓰레기

 

There were always two periods of school life hell: mid-terms and finals. Everyone went into a studying panic. School areas looked like ghost towns because of the absence of people, while libraries were mobbed with angry students unable to find seats. Nobody wanted to fail. Everyone had some ego, some ambition, some pressure… that kept them on edge. Sure, school isn’t everything, but right now, it seemed like everything. Even Soo-Young who often hung out at Seulgi’s house did not show up as often to take her studies seriously. Wendy, on the other hand, began sending her “exam week encouragement messages” to everyone she knew. Joohyun did not show up for her part-time jobs during the weekend, but she still received some messages of encouragement and how-are-you’s from Wendy too.

Of course, Seulgi hit the books pretty hard that even in her dreams she was still calculating formulas and composing essays ever so vividly. She knew she was going to have to grind hard to achieve her goals, and that was exactly what she did. She worked day and night, and since Wendy was not yet teaching Yeri, Wendy also had time to help her again. It was a rough week. But when she received the test papers, she was surprised at how much she actually knew. The dummy, Kang Seulgi, was actually confident about this for once. Maybe those hours of revising actually paid off. And just like what Joohyun said, it does make you feel stronger, knowing someone believes in you. She had, not only her parents and Wendy and Soo-Young, but now also Joohyun, believing in her. It was all the positivity she needed.

On the final day when exams were over, proud and satisfied Seulgi flopped herself on her bed, and opened her phone. She had set a selfie of her and Joohyun together as her lockscreen wallpaper, so that every time she opened up her phone, she could see Joohyun smiling beside her, and it would make her smile. _You smile; I smile._

As she was staring at the photograph, reminiscing the time they spent at Han River, she received a message: _from Joohyun Unnie._ She suspected it would be about their next “date” like Joohyun promised. Just with that thought of seeing her again helped her get through this hell week of studying and taking exams. She thought of it as her prize for working this hard. And so, excited Seulgi opened the message. However, upon reading it and rereading it once more, she was just lost and a little speechless. Her high hopes of seeing Joohyun again this weekend came tumbling down.

“Seulgi.. I’m very very sorry..ㅜㅜ I don’t think I can see you this weekend. Sorry Seulgi. :( ”

***

_Joohyun’s Midterms_

_“When you’re tired and having a hard time, eat it, and it will give you strength.”_

There was a long deep sigh that seemed to had come from the very depths of her lungs. Between her two fingertips was a candy wrapped in foil. With the release of her fingers, the candy fell with a light plop on the cushion of her notes and papers. Books with markings and scribbles were opened on certain pages. Pens and highlighters were out of their case. In the midst of that disarray, the candy sat atop, and she stared down at it as she gently laid her tired head on the pile.

“Would it really give me strength?” Joohyun wondered out loud. She tended to talk to herself when she was alone in her room. Usually she studied at the library, but never during exam week. She knew better than to wander the halls looking or waiting for those non-existent empty seats. Today, she was in her one-person dorm room.  _Alone. Alone once more._

Whenever she was alone and had no one else to talk to, “something else” was there to entertain her—or  _torment_  her, rather. She never invited “it” nor did she ever want “it” to persist in the same little enclosed space she was in. She wasn’t even sure when “it” first introduced itself into her life, but its grip on her grew in strength whenever she was tired, or upset, or having a difficult time. She wasn’t even sure what it was, but “it” was there. It was there, staring her right in the face, gripping her entire being and had been trying to strangle her until her lungs could no longer function. “It” brought to light all her weaknesses and made her think she was nothing but a worthless, helpless fool. Loneliness and exhaustion were its friends, and they had ganged up to crush her.

Nevertheless, she fought. She fought every time. This battle had been going on for a long time that she had become jaded by the tiresome push and pull. To her, having “it” there when she was alone and lonely was now, sadly, a very normal thing. And yet, she still wanted to be freed from the looming menace’s grip. And so, she kept fighting.

The sleepless college girl propped herself up with her arms and sat up straight. With her eyes closed, she took another deep breath and released it all until her body forced her to inhale again.  _Breathe…_ and she breathed. Without opening her eyes, she stood up and turned away from her table. When she opened her eyes, a familiar friend _—Ryan—_ with his gentle cartoony countenance, was sitting inanimately on her purple sheets.

A memory of her birthday flashed before her eyes.  _“My name is Seulgi Bear, and I want to be your friend so you wouldn’t be lonely!”_ For a moment, she smiled, and “it” loosened its grip. Then she approached her bed.

“It’s hard to go on, Ryan,” Joohyun whispered, crawling over the sheets and taking him in for a snuggly cuddle. She held him close and caressed his fluffy head as she lay on the mess of her pillows. “There is so much to remember… so much to memorize… so much work left to do… I don’t think I can do it all… I don’t want to do anything anymore. I just want to rest…”

The restless girl closed her eyes once again.  _I need to keep studying. The standard is much higher here. It’s not the same as my old university in Daegu. I may have been the smart one there, but I’m just another student here. If I don’t reach that grade point average, I might lose my internship and my scholarship. If it goes even lower, I might get expelled from the program. I can’t fail. If I can’t stay on top of my game, I have no reason to be here._

The most prestigious schools were not at the top just for show. Expectations were a lot higher, and the pressure to be the best was enough to break through the psych of even the most well-rounded and mentally sane students. The only problem was that nobody can be perfect. Nobody can live up to standards as high as Burj Khalifa; as high as Mt. Everest; as far as the farthest constellation in the sky. And when you reach your peak, you don’t really have anywhere else to go, but down… down…

 _Buzz._ There was a new message on her phone.

“Joohyun Unnie!!!! I hope you’re not overworking yourself! ㅠㅠ Be strong! I hope you do well in your exams!! Sending virtual hugggg~~~~xoxoxo hehehe :* ilysmbjh ” from Wendy.

A smile formed on her face. “I hope you do well on yours too Wendy! Big hug <3”

“Don’t u worry bout me. Seul says hi and btw. I’m studying with her right now.”

“Hi Seulgi Bear! By the way what’s ‘ilysmbjh’????”

“I Love You So Much Bae Joo Hyun”

Joohyun burst out laughing. Whenever she received messages like this from those two, “it” would temporarily leave her. Whenever she did not feel lonely and the very friends she adored distracted her from her own negatively swaying thoughts, she was her cheerful self again. 

“What the.. ㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋ me too. I love you too.”

“They are so adorable. I don’t know why, but they seem to like me a lot. Not that I’m complaining, though,” she mumbled while staring at her phone. Then she breathed out a sigh that was not induced by exhaustion or sadness. Her loud heartbeat was steady in her rising and falling chest, and she let out a fluttery, refreshing exhale. It felt good.

 

The next day, Joohyun tied her messy hair into a bun, quickly put on her eyeglasses and sweats and hastily ran all the way to the exam hall. She woke just 10 minutes before the exam started, but the exam hall was approximately 10 minutes away from her dorm on foot. She almost ran into some cyclers and a few cars on the way there, but for situations like this, it was either you make it on time for your hell of an exam, or _you die_. And some people prefer the latter, _unfortunately_. But Bae Joohyun stayed strong and arrived right on time.

Then the exam started. Everything was quiet. Everyone began to write answers.

 _“Ah, shit…!”_  someone cussed from the back.

_“Silence!”_

When Joohyun flipped the page to the other side and read the next set of questions, she just stared at it, her eyes blinking in disbelief.  _“Shit.”_ The cuss word from that one student echoed across the room and ringed back and forth in Joohyun’s throbbing head.  _What is this?_ She flipped over to the previous page again; her eyeballs jolting left and right across the paper. She flipped it back to the next page, scanning it up and down, and she just went blank.

_I don’t remember this. I don’t know the answer. I… I don’t know…_

Her eyes left the paper and roamed around the room. There was one guy a few seats away from her, and he was just scratching his head for a good whole minute. To her left, a girl furiously twirled her pen between her fingers before finally jotting down something on her paper. To her right, someone was busy writing and erasing answers. Joohyun took a deep breath and closed her eyes. Then she looked down on her paper again.

 _I can’t believe this._ Finally, she just decided to write whatever might come up in her head. Some random jargon, some random idea, some random explanation—she just wrote anything, and she hated herself for it. One rule in taking exams: never leave a question blank. No matter how clueless you are, never give yourself a “zero” chance. Guessing might give you points, but leaving a question blank will give you nothing. At the end, she reviewed her test paper, and began to estimate how badly she presumably had done. There were questions she was confident in, but the others, not so much.

After that exam, she left the hall and stepped outside to breathe. That was when she felt “it” again. That breath she took on that warm sunny day felt strangely stifling. There was no relief. A tension due to anxiety was slowly creeping in, knowing she barely did well on that first exam.  _I really hope I didn’t do too bad. I need the scholarship and all… but ugh, this all just blows!_

“Damn it, dammit, dammit!” Shouts and loud stomps from another angry college girl echoed from behind. Before Joohyun knew it, some freak accidental collision caused her to plunge onto the university’s neatly trimmed lawn. She fell facedown with her attacker falling on her from behind into a full body slam.

“Oh my god, I’m so, so, sorry! I wasn’t looking at where I was going!” said the person who just stumbled onto her. She helped Joohyun up and brushed the grass off the innocent victim’s sweater. As much as Joohyun was surprised to find someone randomly running into her, strange behaviors exhibited during exam week can only be viewed as an inevitable phenomenon when everyone was going mental.

“It’s fine, I—” Joohyun stopped and stared at the similarly dressed girl before her. Like her, the girl who ran into her was also wearing sweats and tried to hide the fact that she barely had make-up on by incorporating a baseball hat in her not-so-fashionable exam week attire. “Yongsun?”

“Oh, hey, Joohyun! Even in sweats and glasses, you look pretty!” the girl named Yongsun complimented her. “Congratulations on getting the main emcee role for this coming university festival, by the way. I heard you and Bogum were selected last week.”

“Yeah, uh, thanks…”

Joohyun knew Yongsun because they took almost all the same classes and were both part of the school’s media and broadcasting committee. Joohyun always thought this girl was weird, maybe kind of a klutz, but at least her stunning visual and fun personality compensated for that, maybe. She was one of the university’s star DJs, going by the alias “Solar,” and everyone loved listening to her evening hip-hop segment because she always made hilarious unconventional comments about school life.

“Oh, hey, what’s this?” Joohyun squatted and picked up a folded paper that had fallen on the grass. It was filled with unintelligible scribbles in really bad handwriting.

“Oh, shi—!” the other girl in sweats quickly snatched the thing from the naïve one’s fingers and crumpled it into a ball. She stared at Joohyun nervously, and that was when the intuitive Daegu girl understood what was going on.

“Was…was that a…cheat sheet? Oh no, you didn’t…” Joohyun held a palm over her gaping mouth.

“Nononono! I-i-i-i-it’s not what you think!” the popular university DJ suddenly could not articulate words.

“Kim Yongsun!” Joohyun dropped her hand and let herself call her classmate out on her wrongs like a mother who did not approve.

“Shush!” The desperate college girl grabbed Joohyun and held her captive, covering the little thing’s mouth so she could not snitch against her.

With Joohyun’s strong hands, she broke free but stayed calm. She had no idea what to say to this “exam cheater” right now, but she was nonetheless completely and utterly disappointed. The look was plastered across her face too. Here she was, diligent and hard-working Bae Joohyun, going through hell for what could probably turn out to be a less than ideal exam score, and there before her was a cheater. _It’s not fair!_

“Joohyun, please, listen to me,” Yongsun begged in a whisper. “I’ve never done this before in my life, I swear!”

“Then why do you have this?!” Joohyun said in a low voice, careful to not speak too loud in case anyone would end up hearing them. She never had any intention of ratting her classmate out. She wasn’t _that_ cruel bitch.

“You know it’s hard nowadays. You know it yourself. You’re just like me.” Her classmate began to tremble. “And if you look around you, everyone is doing it. It’s unfair. I didn’t want to do it either. But if I don’t help myself, then no one will. It’s all about chances now. This is the best chance I have.”

“What about working hard? What about exerting effort?”

“There’s only so much I can handle, Joohyun. I can’t let my grades drop. They’ll kick me out of the school broadcasting committee. That means, no more DJ Solar! I’ll lose that one job that keeps me sane!”

“But if you get caught doing this, you could be expelled!”

“Of all the people who cheat, only maybe about 10 percent get caught. But if I don’t do this, there’s a hundred percent chance my grades drop below the limit, and I can’t just take that chance.”

 

Hours later, Joohyun took her next exam. It was not as bad as the previous one, but that was when she finally noticed  _them_. That one student at the corner, he was looking down by his sleeve. This other girl in front of her, had something written on her wrist but was cleverly covered by her thick wrist watch. Who knew how many more of them were out there?

 _They’re all geniuses, aren’t they?_  Joohyun returned to her dorm room feeling like a piece of  _shit—_ confused, frustrated, exasperated.  _Cheat._ The very word itself made her want to clench her fists so hard until her fingers dig deep into her palms and carve bloody pits in them. The thought of it was infuriating.  _Shitty cheaters use shitty cheat sheets to cheat shit nowadays._  The situation was not funny, and she wasn’t laughing at her own horrible puns right now.

Nonetheless, there was truth in what her classmate had said. It was all about chances at this point. With all the credits she was taking and all the work she had to do, it was barely possible to keep up and maintain that high grade point average. But she was no Big Data storage cloud. She was no Wonder Woman. She was Bae Joohyun, tiny, overworked, and wearing thin. Anything hell-bent and corrupted can be irresistibly tempting when the demons start whispering sweet nothings to a desperate child’s ears.

 _But no. Just no. Think rationally, Joohyun,_ she thought to herself.  _Cheating is wrong. It is just wrong! This is how all the corrupt CEO’s and officials start their plot to undeserved riches. This is how all the dirty politicians—the good-for-nothing senators and governors and even the President—got seated on their gold-laden thrones made of innocent civilians’ blood, sweat, and tears. The world is run by all these awful, disgusting cheaters who added to the very reason your life and many others’ lives are nothing but an unfair mess! You can’t be like them! No matter what, you can’t be like them!_ But then again, that was the exact reason why the prudent and humble stayed and suffered at the bottom.

The perturbed little Daegu girl lunged herself onto her bed and pulled in her huge stuffed bear for a cuddle. She shut her eyes tightly, not wanting to think about anything. It was her very first exam week in this new university, and it was very disappointing. She was not just disappointed in herself; she was disappointed at the world for being so unfair. She thought this place would be different since it was one of the most highly-ranked schools in the country. But nah. Not everything that sparkles on the outside sparkles on the inside. Nothing is perfect in this world.

 

The following day, she had no scheduled exams…and no food in her small dorm fridge. After throwing on the same sweats, she went out to the nearby convenience store.

“Joohyun?”

Joohyun turned around and saw a familiar upperclassman, an international student who also lived in the dorms. She immediately bowed to greet him. “Henry Sunbae… good morning.”

“I heard you were going to emcee for the festival next month. I’ll definitely go watch!” he said beaming a wide smile on this fine mid-week morning.

“Ah… thank you,” she stiffly said while holding two cans of banana milk on one hand.

“By the way, have you heard?” he grabbed a bottle of orange juice and placed it in his basket.

“Heard what…?”

“You and I are in the same class for that one subject, right? Global… something… relations…? I don’t remember the name exactly…”

“What about it?” Joohyun blinked. That particular subject had too many English and other foreign terms and involved a bunch of essays concerning current events worldwide. It was one of the more difficult subjects she took this semester.

“I heard there was a sudden change in exam content. The professor changed the exam questions because of the increasing ‘foul play’ in exams. Now nobody knows what’ll be in the exam tomorrow. Can you believe that?”

Upon getting back to her dorm room, she opened up books again and estimated how much reading she had to do to cover up every single topic the professor ever discussed for that one subject. But she also had another exam on the same day, and she had to study for that as well. That was when she remembered Yongsun’s words:  _“You know it’s hard nowadays. You know it yourself. You’re just like me… If I don’t help myself, then no one will._   _It’s all about chances now… There’s only so much I can handle…”_

 

The next day, Joohyun made her way to the examination building. Her heart was beating so loud in her chest that she swore it was trying to implode in her rib cage. Her breathing was short and restrained; her forehead was damp with sweat. Within the pocket of her jeans was a neatly folded piece of paper. Although it was thin and small, it felt like a burning match in her pocket; a small prickly thing that felt like it would engulf her entire being in flames.

She had two exams that day. One was for the subject she took with Henry, which would be an essay-filled test, but the questions were unpredictable. The other one was the subject she took with Bogum, which involved a more predictable set of questions but a lot of memorization of terms. The cheat sheet in her pocket right now was not for the essays; it was for the other one—the subject she took with Bogum. Now although she helped Bogum with that subject often, there was so much to memorize that not everything could possibly be retained by an ordinary human brain. She understood the concepts, but memorizing everything will probably cause her head to explode, especially after reviewing every single lesson for the previous exam.

After taking the first exam and barely finishing her essays within the time limit, she headed for the next one, with the folded paper still stinging in her pocket. It was in a different building. Before heading in the building, there were a line-up of trash cans outside the entrance. “Bottles”, “cans”, and  _“paper.” Paper. Paper._

 _Joohyun, you need to ace this next exam. You might have done a mediocre job at the other exams, but you should at least ace one. Come on,_ she thought to herself in second person. But then she answered back to herself,  _But is this really the right way?_

She stood there staring at the garbage bins for a good long minute. People passed her by, making their way into their respective exam halls.  _I… I can’t. I just can’t._ Her fist trembled and her eyes produced tears, but she kept them from falling. “It” has come for her once again, smothering her entire being with guilt and shame until it was difficult to breathe. Finally, she pulled out the folded paper from her burning pocket and tore it to shreds. The pieces fell into the bin, along with the rest of the university’s garbage—right where it belonged. With all the courage she could muster, she took another deep breath and released it all with a force that broke free from “its” grip.  _I’ll do this cleanly—fair and square. If my GPA drops, it won’t matter to me._

Joohyun took the exam and did her best. She cleared her head of all the crap from the past few days and answered the questions calmly.

Time passed. It was almost the end.

Joohyun could hear the supervisor’s heels clopping against the marble tiles.

But then, there was a sudden rattle, a muffled sound made by something light—something small—that fell and rolled toward the desk beside her.

More clopping from the sound of footsteps.

Before Joohyun finished the exam, a tap abruptly forced her to stop.

“What is this?!” exclaimed the exam supervisor. She held a hand out to Joohyun, showing a small paper that was crumpled and opened. It contained answers and more. The handwriting looked very neat, slightly similar to hers, but slightly different…

…and the worst part was, it was not hers. She had torn and thrown her cheat sheet away before she even entered the building. It couldn’t be hers. But here was one with strikingly similar yet still somewhat different handwriting, greeting her like an old friend she never intended to be friends with in the first place.

“I… I don’t know…” Joohyun uttered, completely flabbergasted at what was going on. “I-It’s not mine… It w-wasn’t mine…”

The supervisor snatched her exam paper away from her and scrutinized the handwritings. “You are now prohibited to continue this exam until further notice. Please leave the hall immediately.”


	14. The Losers (겁쟁이)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger Warning:
> 
> This chapter contains a depiction of suicide ideation (suicidal thoughts).
> 
> Views expressed in this chapter does not necessarily reflect the exact opinions of the writer, and is written for the sole purpose of creating a fictional character plot.  
> If you are struggling, please seek help, reach out, talk to someone.

#  **Chapter XI**

 

**The Losers**

겁쟁이

(Coward)

 

“Hey, Seulgi,” Rookie Baker Wendy greeted the baby bear after coming home from her job at the bakery that Saturday after their midterms. The bear was busy playing a war game on the Xbox with a horrid scowl on her face. She continued shooting enemies and did not greet Wendy back. “How’d the date with Joohyun Unnie go? Did you guys watch a movie?” Wendy asked.

“We didn’t do anything. She cancelled it yesterday saying she needed to handle ‘important university stuff’ whatever that is.” Seulgi sighed as she put down her controller.

“Really? She didn’t tell me that. I thought she was with you again today. That’s what I told Chef Taeyeon. Oh, well, she’s probably busy even though the midterms are over.”

“Yeah, she probably is…”

After Joohyun cancelled their “date,” Seulgi just felt upset. She really looked forward to seeing her favorite college _unnie_ again. Kang Seulgi, Joohyun’s biggest admirer, looked forward to it all week and counted down the days, only for it to end into a huge letdown. There was nothing much she could do about it though. If Joohyun was busy, then she will just have to suffer the wait again until they can see each other and hang out.

Monday came and there was nothing particularly interesting to the upset bear all day. She got decent grades from the exams, and she was proud of that, but something else preoccupied her thoughts. She just thought about Joohyun, who seemed to have gotten too busy to even read her messages now. All day, Seulgi’s mind drifted off…

…until their teacher announced that the plans for the school trip has been finalized. Seulgi paid attention all of a sudden. There were cheers and a round of applause. School trips were usually one highlight in the midst of school life madness. It was usually a time for going on fun-filled adventures and making lasting memories with classmates and friends. Needless to say, everyone was excited.

“I wonder where we’re going? I hope it’s somewhere far away, like Gyeongju’s historical sites, maybe? Or food trips in Jeonju? Beaches of Dynamic Busan? I heard Mokpo is good too…” Wendy quickly enumerated every famous tourist spot outside of Seoul that she could think of.

“Ha, I hope we go to Daegu,” Seulgi said, thinking about Joohyun again.

“What exactly can you see in Daegu though?”

“I don’t know, Joohyun Unnie’s parents’ house?”

“Class, please, calm down.” The teacher tapped his stick on the table. The noises faded into a hush. “As I was saying, the plans for the school trip has been confirmed. Our destination will be Jeju Island—”

More loud cheers erupted from the thrilled students. Jeju Island, with its breath-taking picturesque views, natural pristine beaches, scenic mountain landscape, and its exotic food and delicacies, is one of Korea’s most popular destinations. Lots of foreigners also come to Jeju for a trip. It was basically their version of paradise. A school trip to Jeju Island would be a sure-fire hit.

“…and that’s not all. We will be going to Jeju on a ferry. We’re going on a cruise! The trip will happen in mid-May and will last several days. I hope you all look forward to it.”

“Yeah! Soo-Young was right again!” Seulgi cheered along with the other students and gave one friend on her left a high-five.

“Oh. My. Gosh.” Wendy cupped her cheeks with her hands. “Somebody pinch me. This is like a dream.”

Without even bothering to look, Seulgi swung her hand to the right for a high-five with Wendy, but only ended up slapping her face. “This school trip will be so awesome!”

***

“Joohyun Unnie, how are you? Still busy?” Seulgi sent Joohyun a message, hoping she would receive a reply this time. “You know, we’re going on a school trip soon!”She stared at her phone for what seemed like the longest period that evening. Nothing happened.

“Well, well, lookie lookie who’s back,” Soo-Young said, taunting the little thirteen-year-old that stepped into the Kangs’ house once again. Seulgi, who had been staring at her phone, looked up and smiled upon seeing the little middle schooler. The kid Yeri gave her Seulgi unnie a big bear hug and only stuck her tongue out to her cousin who was lazily switching TV channels.

“Where’s Wendy Unnie?”

“She’s in the kitchen baking.”

Instead of heading into the kitchen, the youngest just yelled, “Wendy Unnie, I’ve arrived!”

The baker _unnie_ snuck her head out the opening for a peek and waved her hand. “I’ll just finish this batch. Go play with Seulgi and Soo-Young for a while.”

So then, Yeri dragged the bear _unnie_ to the spacious area in front of the television and sat on the floor with her. “Let’s play video games.”

“Wow, you literally just waltzed in and act like you didn’t just ignore us for three whole weeks,” the cousin said with a roll of her eyes.

In a calm, considerate tone, Seulgi asked, “You’re not going to give your Wendy Unnie a hard time again, are you? You know, Wendy really cares about you and just wants what’s best for you. You’ll listen well this time, won’t you?”

Yeri grabbed a throw pillow and a game controller. “Yeah, yeah, I’ll try to be nice this time. Now let’s play!”

A while later, the sweet baked-brownie smell wafted through the house as Wendy served another batch of her creations. Everyone’s mouth watered with each slice she made on the brown goodness.

“Dang, that looks and smells _too fine_.” Soo-Young dipped her head closer to inhale the chocolatey smoke rising from the brownie block. “I can’t wait ‘til it makes contact with my lips and tongue…” The hungry began to lick her lips.

“Ew!” Yeri struck her cousin’s arm. “You make it sound so erotic!”

“How would  _you_  know about erotic?! You’re thirteen!”

“Guys, not in front of the food, please.” Wendy rolled her eyes and continued slicing.

After Wendy finished slicing and serving the brownies onto little saucers for everyone to enjoy, the four of them sat at the round table. Soo-Young wanted to join the English lesson this time, and Seulgi just got dragged along because she had nothing better to do (and just wanted to rest after the mid-terms. Besides, she needed to improve her English as well). Teacher Wendy was unsure about this at first, but she just gave in after Soo-Young convinced her that she will be a good, attentive student… and so will Seulgi.

 _“Guys, today we will learn about analogies!”_  the teacher exclaimed in English, looking at her ludicrous bunch of students. The youngest looked slightly unamused; the big, tall one had “I’m too-damn-eager” written all over her face; and the oldest student had a vacant expression that totally says “I have no idea what you just said, but it sounded cool.”

 _“Anal… allergies?”_ The tall student tried to mimic her teacher but failed. The youngest snickered; the teacher slammed a palm to her face; the clueless bear just grinned awkwardly—still not understanding anything.

 _“A-nal-o-gy,”_ Wendy repeated. Everyone else repeated after her. She then dropped the English and just spoke in Korean. “Do you guys even know what that is?”

The room was silent.

“Okay, fine I’ll explain. It’s a comparison of things. For example, ‘ _Seulgi is like a bear.’_ I’m comparing Seulgi to a bear by using the word ‘like’. That’s an  _analogy_. You can use  _‘as’_  too, and even use  _metaphors,_  but we’ll start off with  _‘like’_  first.”

“Ah, I know this. I’ve learned this.” Yeri crossed her arms and leaned back on her seat like the snotty little know-it-all that she was.

Teacher Wendy disliked it when Yeri started acting this way, but now she knew better than to get upset about it. At least now Yeri was actually cooperating enough to be seated with the other two dimwits. “Well, if you know so much, then why don’t you give an example, Yeri?”

“Um…  _Wendy is like a… brownie. She’s very sweet._ ” She was too embarrassed to say that to her tutor, but it was the first thing that came into her head.

 _“Aw shucks…_   _thank you, thank you… Wow, that was amazing, my lovely student!”_

“What the heck? Did you put something strange in her brownie?” Soo-Young examined her cousin’s plate to see if there was anything weird in it that would pacify or hypnotize her.

“I want to try!” Seulgi eagerly raised her hand. Then she confidently stated,  _“I, like, da Peu-ring-geul-seu!” (I like Pringles.)_

Wendy held the bridge of her nose and shook her head. “No, Sluggie, we’re comparing things, not telling each other what we like!”

After a few more tries, a bunch of bad examples, and half an hour of explaining similes and metaphors, they were getting better and more creative with it. Soo-Young even retold her own “candy wrapper” analogy in broken English and learned to say it properly with the help of their patient English tutor. This topic then opened up a whole series of mind-boggling “candy analogies.” At some point, they all just started talking about the deep candy analogies and stopped trying to say them in English. They had plenty of great ideas, but it was too much effort to explain them in a foreign language.

 _“Joohyun Unnie is like candy. I want to… uh… erm… open her,”_ Seulgi said unsure of her own sentence.

“That sounds so psycho.” Wide-eyed Yeri side-eyed the bear.

Wendy slapped her forehead again. “Can you explain that please?”

Seulgi then went on explaining about how Soo-Young said people are like candies with wrappers… and how she wanted to get to know Joohyun more by unwrapping her thoughts like a candy. After everyone understood, they moved on to the next topic, but Seulgi still lingered on the thoughts of Joohyun. She sneakily opened her smart phone below the table to check if the _unnie_ replied to her message, but there was none. All she saw was her lock screen wallpaper of the two of them on their previous date.

“Friends are like candies. I want my pocket full of them and carry them with me everywhere I go!” Soo-Young exclaimed, coming up with another good idea. “How do I say that in English?”

Before Wendy could teach her, Yeri interjected, “If that’s the case, then moving away is like losing all your candies or having them all stolen from you.” She looked down on her plate and dejectedly played with her fork.

There was a break of silence. Everyone suddenly felt it—the sad feeling of separation. In a few months, they won’t be sitting here with her—playing games and making all these dumb jokes with her. Their beloved little troublemaker won’t be causing them trouble anymore. She won’t be making savage remarks and throwing snarky comebacks at them anymore. But was that a good thing? Ironically, the answer leaned toward a “no.”

“Not really stolen or lost…,” Wendy held a hand out to touch her shoulder. _“Some good things in life are like a candy. When you put it in your mouth, it’s sweet and it brings you happiness, but after a while, it melts away.”_

“I don’t like that  _analogy_. What if I don’t want it to melt away? What if I want to keep it with me forever?” Yeri said in a fit, not wanting to listen to her _unnie_ ’s words.

Seulgi just kept quiet. Although it was Yeri’s problem, Seulgi could feel her heart beating louder. Was it empathy? Was it pity? She was not sure, but it was a familiar feeling—a familiar pain, a familiar fear. She stared down on her phone. There were no new messages.

“Some things don’t work like that,” Wendy softly talked back, trying not to aggravate the little girl further. It cannot be helped though.

“Some things? If it’s just ‘some things’, then don’t compare my situation to a candy because it’s not.”

“It’s true that they do melt away, but they’ll always be inside you… right here.” Wendy held a palm over her heart. She sounded like a melodramatic cliché; it was her way of expressing things sometimes. “You just don’t see them anymore, but they’re there.”

“Well, I don’t want them in there. I want them to be with me and stay beside me.”

The room came to a standstill. Seulgi felt an odd lump in her throat. She gripped her phone tighter. Soo-Young glanced at her before looking back at the other two. Then Soo-Young said to Yeri in a light-hearted note, “You know what? You won’t be leaving until the summer. There’s still plenty of time. Let’s just make the best of it, and make plenty of fun memories while you’re here. Let’s have sleepovers, pizza parties, and all that fun stuff!”

Finally, the English tutor said, “Maybe we should end the class here for now.”

***

“Bae Joohyun.” The tapping of the professor’s finger on the wooden desk sounded like loud quakes of doom, a prelude to her awaiting judgment. “I really want to believe that you did not do this, but there is no other way to prove you innocent. If it wasn’t you who wrote this cheating paper, then who did?”

Joohyun’s gaze fell. The deafening silence sounded worse than anything else. She had no idea how she got into this situation, where she was trapped and there was no way out. It was true she planned to cheat, but she aborted that plan on the last minute.  _I’m innocent. I really am. It isn’t mine…_ She wanted to break into a sob, but she held her composure and just sat there unmoving. There was nothing else to say. She already told the professor that it wasn’t her. Saying it twice won’t change things, and she knew that.

“You know, it’s not the first time anyone has done this.” The professor leaned back on his cushiony seat. “I’ve seen plenty of other students cheat. I get it. It’s difficult being in university, but when cheaters get caught the school policy won’t be having mercy.”

“Even though I’m innocent?” Her clear voice cut through the office’s stale atmosphere.

“Joohyun, the paper was seen near your desk. Maybe you didn’t do it, but I can’t prove it, and you can’t prove it. The handwritings also look similar at first glance. But I agree; more than one person can have handwriting like this. Yet that doesn’t prove or disprove anything.”

 _Then the justice system sucks_ , she thought.

“For now, your exam paper is here, and it will remain ungraded. If you can’t prove that you did not do this, you will receive an F for this class. I won’t have you expelled, but maybe you will have to do community service or suspension for a year, maybe shorter. You will most likely lose your internship, and someone else will have to replace your position as emcee for the upcoming festival.”

The wrongly-accused little Daegu girl left the professor’s office and trudged listlessly back to her dorm room. The moment the door lock clicked, her weak knees gave way. Down on the floor she fell, unable to hold herself together. Finally, all the pent-up emotions she tried so hard to hide behind her glassy demeanor had broken out in the form of a sob. She sat there for who-knows-how-long, trying to find a reason why of all the unlucky people in the world, it had to be her. Of all the crooked souls out there,  _she_  had to compensate.  _Why did the innocent always end up getting persecuted for the sins of others? Why?_

 

When she opened her eyes to another blinding sunrise, she sunk under her sheets and stayed in its comforting shadows. Two classes were scheduled for her today, but she was too lethargic to get out of bed. Other students in that same class witnessed the supervisor accusing her. She did not want to go out there only for people to look at her as if she was some shameless, dirty cheater. There was also a meeting with the media and broadcasting committee today, but she would rather not attend. She already knew they would be discussing on her replacement anyway. She can always act like she never cared about what they thought of her, but she just did not have energy for another miserable masquerade. Who wants to be at the center of a scandal anyway? Although staying alone in her little room on purpose was like setting herself up on a date with the Grim Reaper, she very much preferred that over judging stares and shocked faces. Either way, it was hell.

Even though she did nothing but lie in bed all day, her head was in a constant buzz.  _With this cheating scheme, I’ll be “marked” with a stigma from now on. All the professors will despise me. I’ll be in one of those students they keep their eye on… Since I’m getting an F on this subject, my grades will be pulled down and I’ll lose my scholarship… Without my scholarship, I don’t think my parents can pay for my education… I don’t know if I can make it with my own money… I need to keep studying if I want to get employed in a decent job someday... Dad’s hospital bills aren’t cheap… What should I say to my parents? Won’t they be upset when they find out? I can’t be a burden to them; they’re already having a hard time on their own……_

And while she was wallowing in her own helplessness, she began to think back on everything else:

 _All my life, I’ve always been this loner—this misfit loser—a coward who pretends to be strong._ In grade school, she was always the quiet one. In middle school, she was the awkward one. In high school, she finally made a friend, but that friend moved away months later. Just before she got into college, her father got into an accident. For the first two years of college she was lonelier than she had ever been. And although it seemed like a blessing that a top university like this has recognized her efforts and invited her to study with a full scholarship, she was about to lose all that—all because of some unlucky fate that twisted her already twisted world. She remembered all the long hours of working hard and pushing through—trying her best even though her efforts were not always appreciated. She remembered the times when she broke down all alone in this very room where nobody was there for her. She remembered all those sleepless nights thinking, worrying, struggling under great pressure to be _perfect_ even when she knew it was impossible. This was why she never liked to talk about herself. Hers was a sad, lonely story. Hers was a constant cycle of losing more than what she gained.  _What did I ever do to deserve this messed up life?_

At times like this, when she was all alone and there was nothing to distract her from all the negativity that haunted her thoughts, “it”—that suffocating menace—encouraged her to ask herself,  _“Why are you still living?”_

It was not an easy question to answer.

_Why? Because I have to._

_“But why do you have to?”_

_Just because… I was born. I was given life._

_“You were born with nothing and you’re about to end up with nothing. What are you waiting for?”_

She did not want to think about it. At times like this, the silence was worse than the low hum of the refrigerator; worse than the ambulance racing through the street outside; worse than the faint moans of whoever lived in the next-door flat. To distract herself from the silence, she opened her laptop and played a song. Any song.

 _6:30 p.m._ Joohyun glanced at her clock and realized she had fallen into a really long nap. An alien-like rumble sounded from her flat stomach. She was hungry. She hadn’t eaten all day.

“I should probably eat…”

There was nothing in the refrigerator again. Joohyun put on a hooded sweater and headed out with the sun setting behind her. The loner went past one of the university’s mess halls and left the campus. She passed by restaurants and food stalls. The menus did not entice her to eat. Despite her hunger, the girl who had nothing to eat all day had no appetite. Her body cried for food, but she did not feel like eating. Either that, or she was being strangely picky today. She was not sure either, so she just kept walking, thinking she might find some dish or restaurant that would appeal to her.

Joohyun walked aimlessly, passing by signboards and neon lights popping up one by one as the orange sun slowly sunk behind the concrete structures and headed past the mountains. Her slow, small trudges led her to the nearby bus station. She often took the bus here on the way to her part-time jobs and other places. It was also the place she first met Seulgi. It was where she rode the bus to Han River last weekend, when they went on a cherry blossom date together.

 _…And here comes a bus. The university area is sickening. Maybe I should head off elsewhere._ The wanderer climbed in and pressed her transport card on the scanner. She sat there in the rattling metal hunk of transportation, watching the dimming sky turn purple—her favorite color. A few minutes later, it was already a deep blue, like the gloominess of her monotonous day.

When she stepped out, she found herself at a station near Mapo Bridge, also near the place she met Seulgi and her 3-foot stuffed Ryan doll. Although it was the same place, it had a very different feel to it that evening. The trees had turned green and the cherry blossoms were gone. There weren’t many people. And the biggest difference of all was that this time, Seulgi was not here with her. This time she was all alone.  _All alone once again._

Joohyun stared at the bridge lit up by tiny lights over the dark, glassy waters. When she was with Seulgi, they did not go to the bridge, because she was scared of heights and there were plenty of stories about it being the place where people commit suicide. As pretty as it looked at night, she would rather stay away from it. So that time, they only walked together by the river and the grassy park. But for some reason, this time, her legs kept going. The wanderer walked along the pedestrian area of the bridge in a slow steady pace, not bothering to look at the railings decorated with senseless messages saying,  _“Have you eaten?”_ ,  _“Are you doing well?”_ , and even  _“The sun rises tomorrow.”_  She knew those messages were meant to be uplifting for those who come here for the sole purpose of ending their lives, but not today.

When a chilly wind blew against her, she stopped for a while and looked up. Before her was a long way ahead. Looking behind her, she realized she had come a long way. She was there in the middle of a bridge towering over unsettling waters. On the railing, it says, “You worked hard.” (수고했어요.)

_Yeah, I worked hard, and all I have is a talking bridge, trying to console me._

_“Have you eaten?”_

_No._

_“Are you doing well?”_

_Not really._

_“The sun rises tomorrow.”_

_… I’m scared of tomorrow… I don’t know what to do…_ Joohyun’s eyes brimmed with tears. She was scared of getting her heart broken all over again by the unfairness of the world. She was scared of having to face consequences she knew she did not deserve.

_“You worked hard. It was a long exhausting walk. Do you really want to keep going?”_

_I_ … _I don’t know…_

 _“Joohyun, don’t be so hard on yourself for things you can’t control. But don’t give up. It ends when you stop trying,”_ her mother once said.

One by one, tears began to fall.  _It’s easier said than done…_   _I tried my hardest. I tried. I really did. But everything is just so out of control. I don’t know what to do…_

Images from the past flashed before her eyes. Her friend leaving her, her father getting into an accident, her going through life all alone… Staying up late studying; working hard on her internship and part-time jobs; acting fine even when it all just hurts; getting accused for doing nothing wrong… She was wearing thin. Life was just getting more and more difficult.

Soon, she began to feel “it” again. Her breaths were shallow and unsteady. Her hungry little body felt weak. She was barely winning this battle. “It’s hard to go on,” she cried. “It’s s-so… hard…”

When she looked up, all she saw was the waning moon, shining brightly down on her. She never understood why people thought “the moon smiled.”  _It looks nothing like a smile._ Other than the moon, there were no stars in the sky.  _That’s because the air in this city is so filthy and polluted, that it’s hard to see anything pretty, and it’s even harder to breathe..._

More thoughts ran into her head.  _Why was I born anyway? Why was I given life? Ever since I was born I saw nothing but pain and suffering and unfairness… Even though I’m innocent, I’m full of shame… Even the people who claim to be on my side are not here right now… I’m all alone. All alone… Nobody is here to comfort me… and it’s all my fault because I never let anyone see this side of me..._

_I just want to rest. I just want it all to end. I don’t want to deal with any more of this. I’m tired of trying to be strong… I’m really, really tired…_

Joohyun slowly approached the tall railings of the bridge. With every step, her heart pounded. With every breath, the pressure became even more unbearably agonizing.

That was when “it” whispered into her ear,  _“Why don’t you just end it all already? You’re already here. You’ve worked hard. All you need to do is take one last leap of faith…”_

Joohyun, with her entire body shaking, held tightly onto the bridge railing separating land from air and water. Upon leaning closer, she saw the intimidating abyss beneath the dancing bridge lights. That water—the deep dark depths—had the power to gobble her up and eradicate her existence out of this cruel world. All she had to do was climb up the tall railings and let herself go. Once she makes that one last jump, the pain, the suffering—it will all be _gone_.

However, with just one glimpse of the black nothingness, a swirl of nausea overtook her. She instantly let go of the railing and stepped back, quickly gasping for air. The girl immediately regretted the very thought of jumping off and tried to calm herself down.

 _No…. I can’t. I’m scared of heights. I’m scared of drowning. My parents need me. My dad needs me. They’d be upset when they lose me. I can’t put them through that pain… There are CCTV cameras on this bridge… I don’t want to be miserable, but I don’t really want to die either… I can’t do this, I just can’t!_ She thought about all the excuses not to climb up the tall railing that was more than twice her height. When it came right down to it, she was a coward who did not even have the courage to end her own suffering. But does she have the courage to go on? Does she really have the courage to keep waking up to one sunrise after another heartbreaking sunrise? Life or death—she was scared of both.

At that point, she broke into a spontaneous prayer, although she was not the most religious person around. But if she was desperate enough to think of ending it all on a bridge, she might as well take a leap of faith at something less traumatizing or life-threatening. She screamed at the top of her lungs with a voice filled with agony, “Please… If You do exist, I beg You… I don’t care if life is unfair. I know it’s all the same for everyone and someone else out there is probably having a more horrible time than me. But please, just please—! Give me strength and courage to keep going!”

While she was pleading, she suddenly received an alert for a new message on her phone. All day, she did not bother looking at her phone, but right now, it was just the perfect distraction from all the dreadful temptations induced by the vileness of her deepest, darkest thoughts. The moment she looked at her phone, a crazy, strong emotion filled her. She held onto a railing to steady herself as streams of tears continued lining her rosy cheeks. There were numerous unread messages, but the latest one made her cry and laugh all at the same time. Crying while laughing—it was madness—all while standing in the middle of a renowned suicide bridge after screaming to the God who she wasn’t even sure would listen to her lowly plea. To any onlookers, it was probably so absurd, like she had gone insane.

“Joohyun Unnie, I know you’re busy, but if you don’t reply to me, I might cry. :( Just a ‘hi’ will do. Or a ‘k’. It doesn’t matter. I just miss you soooooo much. You promised a date with me, remember? You’re not gonna break your promise, are you??”

“Goodness, Seulgi!” She exclaimed out into the night while drying her unending tears. She suddenly remembered all of the good memories she had with Seulgi and all the happiness the little bear brought into her depressing life. She remembered her smiling face under the rain; she remembered the thrill, the joy, the hand holding hers tightly… Seulgi wanted to be her friend and liked sending her messages at night just to check on her. Seulgi wanted to spend time with her and looked up to her. The bear had this spark—this sweetness that warmed her broken heart and gave her strength. And she inserted herself in random parts of Joohyun’s day, just when everything was turning bleak.  _The perfect distraction from her misery._ If there was anything that gave Joohyun a glimpse of light in this wretched world, it was this bubbly little bear, who did not even have a clue of how much anguish she was going through right now. With tears uncontrollably rushing down her face, she typed in a message. 

“I miss you too Seulgi. I promised we’ll see each other again, so yes, I will make sure that we meet again.”

A reply came almost immediately.“Yay! Thank you Unnie! I’ll wait for that date, ok? Whenever you’re free. I don’t want to pressure you. Just remember you can call on me when you need me! No matter what, I’ll always be here for you <3”

 _No matter what, I’ll always be here for you._ As Joohyun read those words, a crooked smile formed across her tear-drenched face. Words could not express how much she was touched by a simple sentence. Since Seulgi was offering her uplifting presence, she might as well set up another date with her before her hopelessness tries to swallow her up again.

“Can I maybe see you the day after tomorrow? In the afternoon after your class ends? I’d really love to see you again Kang Seulgi. My little happy virus~ ”

“Sure Unnie. I’ll be there!”

“Good. Let’s meet at the bus stop where we first met.”

“Ok!! See you there! Have a good night! Sweet dreams! Rest well! Take care tomorrow! Love you lots <3 <3 <3 Fighting!!! :D ” 

_Kang Seulgi… I don’t know if you are God’s answer... and you don’t even know what I am going through, but thank you, once again, for reminding me. For giving me even just one very little reason to smile._

When she got back to her dorm room with a proper meal in hand, she got down to business and fixed up her messy room before eating dinner. As she was rummaging through her disorganized files on her table, she saw the candy Seulgi had given her—a chocolate bonbon wrapped in foil.

_“When you’re tired and having a hard time, eat it, and it will give you strength.”_

Joohyun glanced at the stuffed bear wearing a hoodie sitting on her bed. She unwrapped the foil and placed the sweet in her mouth, letting it melt onto her taste buds while staring at her stuffed Ryan. With tears in her eyes, she grabbed the doll and held onto it tightly.

“I won’t give up. I can get through this...”

* * *

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Korea is one of those countries with the highest student suicide rates in the world. A lot of students have been through depression (without consulting a doctor or confiding in anyone) and thought of suicide due to the intense academic pressure and a bunch of other reasons (I can't speak for all of them because each case is different, but yeah). I know an unnie who works in counselling students and she talks to a lot of these people everyday. It's sad, but that's definitely the truth.
> 
> Like my point in Chapter 7 (Soo-Young and the candy wrapper), you'll never know what goes through a person's life at first glance. Be nice to people. Try to befriend someone who might be struggling or lonely. Heck, even just sending a message to someone you know or haven't seen in a while might possibly make their day. Don't underestimate the effect of your kindness to people. 


	15. Land of Confusion (혼란)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter contains mentions of suicide.

#  **Chapter XII**

 

**Land of Confusion**

혼란

(Confusion)

 

Rays of light broke through the sleepy dawn; Joohyun’s eyes slowly fluttered open. The first thing that came to view was the ceiling once again—a canopy of mingling light and shadows. It was not complete darkness, and not completely bright either—a 50-50 of both. Glancing at her clock, it was barely 6 a.m. The exhausting night was over. The sun really does rise.

_I should really get myself together,_  she thought to herself.  _I cannot let this beat me. No matter how sick and tired I am of fighting this losing fight, I need to keep trying. Just a little more._

Later, Joohyun got up from her bed, took a shower and put on a neatly ironed blouse and some slacks. She also did her makeup and applied enough concealer under her puffy eyes to hide the redness. _Ugh, I really shouldn’t have cried way too much last night. My eyes look too damn sore…_ Instead of contacts covering her corneas, glasses sat on the bridge of her nose for today.

She looked pretty with or without makeup and glasses, but there were just times when she felt hiding behind her mask. She had imperfections she wanted to hide, not because she feared others would see them, but because she herself did not want to see them. Those sore eyes were unappealing to her, not because it was far from what people thought was pretty; they were ugly to her because it was proof that she cried more often than she thought she should. Hiding her outer “ugliness” was not the main point; it was about hiding her inner weakness. She was more scared of exposing her inner self than her outer appearance.

 

Contrary to her wild imaginations, nobody came throwing rocks and tomatoes at her in class that day. Everyone pretty much ignored her like they usually did. She did receive a few strange looks and whispers here and there—maybe they were talking about her, maybe they were not—but she tried not to be too paranoid. After getting a glimpse of those dark, foreboding waters from a terrifyingly dangerous height, people’s stares did not seem as intimidating. She had seen the lowest point. Nothing could possibly be worse.

After her first class, there was an unexpected message from the department administration. “Mass Communications student, Bae Joohyun, please come to Professor Jung’s office immediately.”

_A message from the professor? What could this be about now?_ Joohyun carried her text books in her arms and immediately walked to the other wing of the humanities department building.

“Ah, Joohyun, come in,” her head professor greeted her when she arrived at the office.

When she entered the room, she noticed a familiar classmate sitting across the professor. _Bogum?_

“Hi, Joohyun Noona,” he greeted with a low, shaky voice that he tried to hide behind an uncertain smile.

“Sit down.” The professor pointed to the empty seat beside Bogum.

“Is something the matter, sir?” Joohyun asked, unsure of what was going on.

The professor cleared his voice and pulled down his reading glasses, scrutinizing the two of them. He then pulled out the cheat sheet from before and laid it on the table between him and the students. “So, Park Bogum, is it true? You were the one who made and used this cheating paper?”

The girl’s jaw dropped. She glanced at Bogum, whose Adam’s apple had quivered above his buttoned up collar after a gulp.

In a trembling voice, he answered, “Yes, I confess. It was me. I cheated the exam. Please punish me instead.”

“What...?” Joohyun mouthed out in disbelief.

The professor took out some files and examined Bogum’s test paper. The handwriting looked more accurate than Joohyun’s, not to mention, the contents were a match other than a few minor discrepancies. She could not believe any of it. Of all the culprits she did not expect it to be Park Bogum. Although she did not know Bogum that well, she would have never thought he—of all people—would cheat an exam. They even ended up getting the emcee role together for the upcoming school festival. He had talent, looks, potential... Everyone called him a golden boy, as if he was this perfect model student!

Nonetheless, here he was—the one who almost drove her to her tipping point last night—and he was _confessing_. She would never have thought the real cheater would come out and do the most outlandish thing. Wouldn’t the main culprit be the happiest human being in the world if someone else had been caught for his own terrible deeds? Isn’t that usually how it went in those dramas where the innocent gets imprisoned and the bad guys rejoice in evil laughter? _Why is he confessing?_ Joohyun knew that if she had been the real perpetrator, she would most likely _never confess_.

“Well, Bae Joohyun, it seems you are innocent after all. You are clear of charge. I’ll schedule a make-up exam for you so you can finish the questions you didn’t answer,” the professor sighed. “Sorry for the terrible mishap.”

“So… does that mean I won’t be kicked out of the broadcasting committee? I get to keep my internship?” Joohyun asked. Her main problem instantly vanished; she had no idea how to feel about it due to the initial shock.

“For the time being, yes.”

Joohyun could not believe her ears. _This is like… like… a miracle. Is this for real even? I’m not dreaming now, am I? I am fully awake right now, right? Or did I really throw myself in that river and ended up in some twisted heaven? This is like the most preposterous Deus ex Machina..._

“I’m sorry, Noona, for causing you trouble. I never intended to cause you problems.” When she stared into Bogum’s puppy-dog eyes staring back at her, all she saw was dread and guilt—the same thing she saw when Yongsun begged her to keep quiet. He very much deserved to receive her frustrated screams and thrashing for the horrible thing that happened to her, but instead she felt what she did not want to feel—pity. She suddenly felt sorry for the young man who got her into trouble. He was a desperate youth, just like Yongsun, just like her. They were all the same—a bunch of desperate souls.

“You are dismissed, Joohyun. You may leave now,” the professor said, standing up to escort her to the door.

“But, what happens to him?” Joohyun glanced at Bogum and back at the professor.

“I’ll deal with him.”

At that final glimpse of the young man, Joohyun saw something—something ambiguous. There was something in the look he gave that seemed… ominously glazed. She could not put a finger on it, but it did not look right. Nevertheless, there was another class waiting for her, so she decided to just overlook it and went on to mind her own business.

***

_“Last night … a young man has committed suicide, jumping off of Mapo Bridge... It was said by witnesses that he seemed to be under the influence of some illegal substance when he climbed up the rails. Some have identified him as a student in one of the top universities…”_

“Ah, not another tragedy…,” Seulgi’s father groaned as he watched the morning news the following day.

“That is pretty sad, isn’t it?” Wendy picked up her chopsticks from the table. Seulgi seemed to be oblivious of everything else but her breakfast. The hungry bear had to eat her fill before starting the day right.

“Seulgi,” her father called her.

“Hngh?” The inattentive bear looked up with a big spoonful still in her mouth. There was a grain of rice hanging on her chin and another clinging for life on her hair.

Her kind father smiled, seeing that his daughter was eating so heartily. “Even if you get bad grades and never excel in school, you’ll always be my lovely little princess! I love you!”

Wendy chuckled at the typical father-daughter scene. _If only Sluggie actually acted like a princess…_

Seulgi flushed red in mad embarrassment. “Dad, I got B’s this past midterm! I didn’t do too bad! And stop calling me your ‘little princess’. I’m not five.”

“By the way, I hope you don’t mind signing my permission slip for the school trip. Since you’re my guardian and all,” Wendy said to Seulgi’s dad. Yesterday, after school, all students were given forms and permission slips for the school trip happening in two weeks.

“Of course, Wendy! Anything for the other princess of this house!” Seulgi grimaced at her father’s words. He called her a princess; he called Wendy a princess; he also called Soo-Young and Yeri the “next-door princesses”. They were all princesses, apparently. “How much is the fee for the trip exactly?”

“Oh, no, you can just pay for Seulgi’s fee. I’ll pay for my own,” Wendy proudly said. She saved a lot of her money from her part-time job after all.

“No, no, I’ll pay. I’m the king here. I have lots of money!” He said it in such a good-natured manner that Wendy found it difficult to refuse. It was like he treated her as his own daughter.

“Thank you…”

“Wendy, you better finish your soup!” Seulgi’s mother said when she went to refill Seulgi’s rice bowl.

“Yes, I will...” Wendy continued eating. Everyday, she was thankful to be placed in this family’s care. But then she remembered her own family. She tried to call them as often as she could, but she had been busy the past midterms so she had not called them in more than a week.  _I should probably call them tonight and tell them about the school trip and stuff I might want to do in the future..._

 

The entire day in school, excitement was everywhere. Everyone in their high school talked about the school trip. However, the triad had their minds elsewhere…

“Guys!” Soo-Young slammed her lunch box on their usual table. “Guess what?”

“What?” Wendy nonchalantly asked while munching on her baby carrots.

“My dad’s friend works at this amusement park, and he can get discounted tickets for a full-day ride-all-you-can entry pass on Children’s Day next week!” Soo-Young exclaimed excitedly. “As you all know, Yeri has been upset about leaving and all, so I’ve been thinking of ways to cheer her up, and this might just be the thing! Besides, she’s a kid, and we’re all still kids technically… We deserve this holiday on May 5th, right?”

“Oooh, that sounds fun! It’s been a while since we all went out to hang out together,” said the bear. There were so many exciting things happening. First, the date with Joohyun, then Children’s Day, and then there’s the school trip…

“We should really try to do a lot before Yeri leaves,” Wendy said, agreeing with Soo-Young’s idea. “I like the idea of sleepovers too. We should schedule stuff for her. I’m sure she’ll be pleased. We’ll bombard her with good memories and good memories only!”

“Yeah, sleepovers and pajama parties!” Soo-Young snapped her fingers. “We should do that. Any other ideas?”

“Let’s go ice-skating!” Seulgi suggested.

“We can go ride bikes at Han River too!” Wendy added.

“Great ideas, guys! We’ll make sure Yeri gets the best of her last two months here!”

***

“Unnie~ I’ll meet you later at 6. And instead of meeting at the bus stop I’ll just see you at the library entrance,” Joohyun read the text message from Seulgi. “All right, 6 p.m. it is. Right now, it’s 5:15…”

Before the date with Seulgi, Joohyun got around to doing laundry and more tidying up in her humble little dorm. Although she was always cleaning and organizing it seemed like the room was in chaos all the time. She did not mind though; doing chores was a stress reliever for her. While sorting out and cleaning, Joohyun the over-thinker also spent that time sorting out her thoughts. She often needed to time to reboot her brain especially when life was just as messy.

While organizing books and files, she thought about Bogum again. _It was so sudden that he confessed like that yesterday. I’m glad it cleared my name, but why? Why would he do that? He could have just let it go so that he didn’t have to deal with the punishment. He could have just continued lying to save himself. Did his guilt eat at him in the end? I guess he did kind of asked me out on a date back then. He probably felt guilty that I ended up getting blamed for his wrong-doing. Maybe he is such a golden boy after all. Maybe I should thank him? But wait, he did wrong. Why should I thank him? Cheating never deserved any merit, and cheating doesn’t make him a golden boy either… This world is so messed up. Even the people you think are clean aren’t so clean after all. But still… it must have taken him a lot of courage to confess…_

Despite the shock, now that she thought about it, things started to make sense a little. Bogum often sat next to her, asked her for help, and asked to copy off her notes. In class, he also seemed unable to focus. Those subtle hints were definitely clues of his struggle. And yet, when he signed up for the broadcasting committee and auditioned for the role of emcee this coming festival, he seemed so capable and talented.  _Maybe exams aren’t for everyone, but still, the school needed everyone’s marks to be so high up there that the other abilities of otherwise brilliant students get overshadowed..._

At about a quarter before 6, she re-touched her makeup and looked at her outfit in a full-length mirror before heading out. Just a comfortable striped-tee and faded jeans—nothing too crazy. She was just meeting Seulgi anyway, and it was the perfect outfit for a casual evening with her. They promised each other for dinner and a movie. She was ready to purge herself of the past mid-term week’s garbage through the sweetness of her beloved baby bear. Tonight, she just wanted to forget about it all.

“Hm? What’s this?” While she was pulling on her sneakers, she noticed a small note on the floor tucked below the door. She did not fix up that area earlier and the paper was slightly covered by one of her slippers so she just noticed it now.

Unfolding the paper, she realized that this parchment torn from a notebook looked very similar to the crumpled-up cheat sheet that almost stigmatized her existence. _The handwriting…_

By the time you read this, I’ll probably be gone, but I just want to say I’m sorry. What I did was wrong but I was barely holding on and just wanted to save myself. I saw you crying on that bridge the other night. I felt guilty to the point that I couldn't take it. And I knew somehow all the truth will come out. So before it all gets worse I’m taking it all on myself now. I’ll give myself what I deserve for all the sins I’ve hidden in my heart.

And you don’t deserve to be crying on a bridge, but I do. Don’t blame yourself for my decision either. I’ve actually wanted to end it all for the longest time. You just kept me sane for a while until I realized I truly had no hope. I've tried a lot of other things to reproduce that high when I look at you, but none of it worked. In the end I even caused you trouble. And so, goodbye. For the last time, and hopefully I’ll never have to bother you again.

Joohyun froze. _What does this all mean? What is this?_ Her hands began to shake as she held the letter before her. _Is this a…?_

***

“Since I’m here, I should probably call Joohyun Unnie now,” Seulgi mumbled, standing by the raised steps leading to the library. She gleefully swayed to an imaginary rhythm, while searching for her date’s contact on her phone. In a tune she just made up on the spot, she sang, _“I’m meeting Joohyun Unnie today~!”_

The excited little cub tapped on call and pressed the phone to her ear, still swaying happily like the decorative cattail dancing with the wind on the sides of the campus road.

_“… … …”_ Her jolly swaying stopped. _Why isn’t Unnie picking up?_

Seulgi tried to call again. _“… … …”_

While she was waiting for the _unnie_ to answer her call, she saw someone—a petite college girl in stripy long sleeves, faded jeans, and sneakers, sprinting across the open grounds in front of the library entrance. The eye-catching sprinter appeared to be in such a hurry as if it called for desperate measures. The fellow continued running past the library toward a different direction. Seulgi squinted her eyes and leaned forward…

“Is that… Joohyun Unnie?!”

Without thinking twice, she hastily cancelled the call and clumsily hopped down the steps to run after her. She was a fairly fast runner compared to the other kids in her gym class, so she went at it full speed.

“Joohyun Unnie!” Seulgi called out to her, but Joohyun did not look back nor slow down at all. Although Seulgi promised to meet her by the library, Joohyun went past it and kept on running the other way. “Unnie wait!”

While they were running, an object flew back from Joohyun’s direction, landing on the asphalt road. It was a torn sheet of notebook paper with creases. The agile high school girl quickly swooped down to grab it before the wind blew it away. Without even looking at it, Seulgi continued the chase, but had lost sight of the girl she was pursuing. Eventually, she had to stop and catch her breath.

“What the…,” she said in between pants, “…where’d she run off too…?”

Finally, she just sat on a wooden picnic table at the tree-shrouded area in front of the university cafeteria and took out her phone again to call Joohyun. There was no answer. When she put her phone down, she realized that she was still holding on to the piece of paper that Joohyun had dropped. She flipped it over and brought it closer to her face, trying to read the contents. _What the heck is this?_ It did not make much sense to her, so she just folded it along the creases and placed it in the pocket of her jeans without thinking much of it. Then she childishly stomped her foot, scrunching a few dandelions beneath her rubber soles. “Gosh, why was Joohyun Unnie running off like that? We’re supposed to go to the movies together!”

Seulgi just roamed the school campus, not really knowing where she was going. While she was wandering and wondering where in the world her date went, she ended up at the bus stop off-campus where she first met Joohyun. There she plopped on the bench, staring at her phone.

“Unnie where are you?” She had been sending her messages but there was no reply.

“Ugh, I’m hungry.” Seulgi held her rumbling stomach and got up from the seat. She continued walking through the university area streets that were rapidly coming to life that evening. The old folks and vendors began setting up their street-food stalls and some restaurants and shops were opening up their doors. University students were out roaming the streets for a lively Friday night. The hungry cub looked around, trying to find a menu that she would fancy. But no, she did not want to eat yet. She and Joohyun were supposed to eat dinner together.

“Ugh… Unnie, why are you being like this to me? I thought Wendy, Soo-Young, and Yeri drove me nuts, but _Bae Joohyun—she drives me even crazier!_ ”

While she was staring at a well-known Japanese-style pork cutlet[1] shop’s menu, she suddenly heard someone call out to her name. “Seulgi Unnie! Seulgi Unnie!”

“Huh? Yeri?” When she looked up, she saw Yeri waving to her from inside the glass. Seulgi walked over to the glass door and made her way inside. Another surprise. This night wasn’t turning out how she thought it would be.

“Yay!” Yeri stood up from her seat and quickly gave her favorite bear unnie a hug like she usually did. “What are you doing here?”

“I’m just—”

The kid pulled at her arm and brought her closer to the dining table where she was eating. “I’ll introduce you to my girlfriend!”

“Um… girlfriend?” Seulgi awkwardly scratched the back of her neck.

“Hey, Saeron! Stand up and pay your respects!” Yeri demanded of the girl who was eating pork cutlet with her. “This is Seulgi Unnie! Seulgi Unnie, this is my best friend Saeron.”

After a bit of introduction to the middle school best friends, Seulgi sat there eating some yellow pickled radish[2] at the restaurant with two middle school kids. She did not want to eat a full meal in case her date would suddenly show up.

“So, what are you guys doing here? Just eating?” Seulgi asked. Since the runaway date wasn’t even picking up, she might as well talk to them to kill some time.

“I’m treating her to plenty of dinners because she’s leaving soon,” Saeron replied. “I need to spend time with her as much as I can. This is important stuff.”

“Gosh, Ron, stop talking about the ‘leaving part’, okay?” Yeri whined. “I don’t want to think about missing you, okay?”

Seulgi just chuckled at the sight of them. _I guess Yeri bickered with pretty much everyone, even her friend… But I guess that’s what makes her cute. That reminds me, Wendy and Soo-Young and I are also planning things for Yeri…_

“So, Seulgi Unnie, if you’re not eating, why are you here? I do hope you're not here to freeload on pickled radish.”

“I’m waiting for someone but she won’t show up.” Seulgi then pulled out the paper from her pocket  and looked at it again while chewing on a piece of pickled radish. It still made zero sense.

“What’s that?” Yeri asked, pointing to the paper with her bread knife. She then dipped a piece of her deep-fried, breaded meat in savoury barbecue sauce and bit on it with an edible “crunch.” Tempted Seulgi watched Yeri’s sauce-tainted lips, feeling her throat getting drier and drier.

“Oh, this? It’s just nonsense…” Seulgi grabbed another piece of pickled radish, imagining it was pork cutlet to ease her cravings.

“Lemme see.” Yeri put down her utensils and snatched the paper from Seulgi with her quick hands.

“Hey, that’s not even mine!” the bear whined.

Yeri skimmed through the letter, and by the end of it, her eyes had grown wide with a shocked expression.

“What is it?” Saeron asked.

“Well, that was dark…” Yeri passed the paper across the table for Saeron to read. Then she turned to Seulgi again. “Why do you have that thing? Don’t tell me you wrote it.”

“No, I just happened to pick it up.” She then pointed her finger to the pork cutlet and motioned to her open mouth, asking Yeri to give her just one bite. Yeri frowned, but held out her fork to Seulgi’s mouth, with a piece of pork cutlet staked on it. The bear happily devoured her share.

“Sounds like a nasty break-up,” Saeron concluded after reading the letter.

Yeri grabbed the paper from her friend and reread it again. “Break-up? I don’t know about you, but it sounded like something else to me.”

“It’s too vague. What do you think is it then?”

“It says, _‘I’ll give myself what I deserve for all the sins I’ve hidden in my heart.’_ And, _‘I’ve actually wanted to end it all for the longest time. And so, goodbye. For the last time...’_ Don’t you guys ever read books? It’s like one of those suicide letters in dark mystery novels.”

“You read those?” Saeron looked at Yeri with a scrunched-up face showing disbelief.

“Dude, Saeron! I read everything! I’m a big bookworm, remember?!”

For a while, Seulgi sat there vacantly. _Suicide? A suicide letter… dropped by Joohyun Unnie…_ After Yeri’s words echoed a bit more in her head, she finally exclaimed, “Suicide?!” A panicked rush suddenly came over her. She reread the letter again and almost broke into tears (but she didn’t). Then she folded it up, put it in her pocket and stood from her seat.

“What’s wrong with you?” Yeri swallowed the piece of meat she was chewing on.

“I need to go!”

“Hey, wait! Seulgi Un—” Yeri tried to say something else but Seulgi already left. “Ah… that stupid bear…”

“Ehh, Yerm, your imagination is too wild,” said Saeron after Seulgi left. “The letter didn’t say anything about dying. Maybe you’re reading too much novels! Too much drama… The letter barely had any real details like to whom or from it was written. It could be just a very angsty goodbye letter.”

“Well, you never know. I like to think of it as a dramatic mystery. It’s more exciting that way.”

Seulgi ran out into the streets, not really knowing what to do. All she knew was that she needed to find Joohyun quickly. _Before it happens. Before Joohyun Unnie commits suicide._ She then tried to calm down and reread the letter again. It was talking about some bridge. _Bridge… bridge… like the one on the news this morning?_ “Oh, hell no!”

Seulgi quickly ran to the bus stop and checked the information post looking for bus numbers that lead to the nearest bridge. She scanned the numbers and bus routes until… _there it is! Near Mapo Bridge!_ When the bus arrived, she quickly pressed her card against the scanner and held onto a handle. Searching through the internet on her smartphone, she found that the stop was not too far from here. While she was in there she had already begun saying her prayers hoping and wishing that this bus would go just a little bit faster. If she had arrived in too late… well… she did not want to know what would happen if that were the case.

Finally, the desperate Seulgi got off the bus and immediately went on a sprint toward the bridge. She ran and ran, passing by people and plenty of unknown faces, searching and calling out Joohyun’s name. “Where are you?!”

An old man who was passing by noticed her cries and asked, “Young lady, who are you looking for?”

“I don’t have time to talk, sir!” And so, she continued running.

After a while of running, she stopped. _Wait, what if she was on a different bridge?_ There were plenty of other bridges in Seoul. She couldn’t possibly go through all of them. “Why am I so stupid?! I should have thought this through first!”

So then, she resorted to calling Joohyun again, but there was no answer. _But what if I really am too late, and Joohyun Unnie is gone? No. No, no, no, no, no… Joohyun Unnie can’t do that! I can’t lose her! I can’t lose her like this!_

She hadn’t even stopped to think of why Joohyun would consider suicide and what the letter meant. In panic she merely jumped to conclusions based on the presumptions of an imaginative 13-year-old. While it was true “Sluggie” wasn’t the brightest bulb in the block, whatever the truth of the matter was, she knew one important thing—she did not want to lose Joohyun at all. And right now, she was just acting on instinct—her very instinct to protect the person she truly, deeply cared about. She loved her Joohyun Unnie; she truly did. That was why she thought of her more often than not, why she wanted to be closer to her and get to know her more. Sometimes she felt selfish about it and thought that maybe she was obsessing over her too much. But is it wrong to care about someone and crave someone’s company this much? And if Joohyun were to disappear… what would happen to those feelings? They just started to get to know each other. She would not let it all end this soon. Instinct called for action. Instinct would not permit a loved one to be harmed.

In desperation, Seulgi kept on calling. The confused, distressed teen consumed by her irrational thoughts was so overcome with fear; she finally broke into tears. She began to cry ugly, baby wails that she barely noticed someone had finally answered the other end of the line.

_“Hello? Hello? Seulgi?”_

“Huh? Unnie?” Seulgi stared at her phone, thinking Joohyun’s ghost might have taken her phone with her to the grave.

_“Seulgi? Are you there?”_

“Wah! Unnie?!” Seulgi yelped in surprise.

_“Seulgi, are you okay?”_

“You’re still alive?!”

_“What do you mean? Of course I’m—”_ Joohyun sounded rather confused, but Seulgi ignored it.

“Unnie! No, don’t do it! Don’t do it, please, I beg you…,” the desperate bear cried in an embarrassingly loud fashion.

_“What the— what are you talking ab— Don’t do what?”_

“You can’t do it! You just can’t!” Seulgi kept yelling. Passersby were turning their heads.

_“Don’t do what? What are you talking about?”_

 “W-where a-are you?!”

_“Seulgi, I’m in my dorm room.”_

“Your dorm?!”

Earlier, after Joohyun read the letter, she immediately ran out to find Park Bogum, the only person on Earth who could have composed it. But since she had no idea where to find him, she quickly made her way to the humanities building where her professor stayed in to report the matter. It was probably the best way.

When she made it to the building, she turned to a hall and bumped into a familiar pretty face—Kim Yongsun. This time, she wasn’t wearing sweats and looked like the sophisticated young lady that she usually appeared to be.

“Hey, Joohyun, what’s the rush?”

“No time to talk! Bogum is about to—”

Before Joohyun left, Yongsun grabbed her arm to stop her. “Bogum?”

“Yes, Bogum. He left me a suicide note and I—”

Yongsun tightly held both of Joohyun’s arms and looked her straight in the eyes. “Joohyun. You didn’t hear the news, did you?”

“What? What news?” Joohyun felt all the strength in her body just dissipate in a few seconds.

“I saw it in the news this morning. Others on campus earlier were talking about it as well. Didn’t you hear? His body was found in the river. There were witnesses when he made the jump last night—”

“What?” Joohyun could not believe what she heard. Chills crawled through her skin. She felt almost nauseous—like she wanted to pass out on the spot. _Bogum died. He jumped off a bridge. Almost like what you would have done if you weren’t so scared of heights._ Sounds like “it”—her mortal enemy—had decided to prey on someone else… and succeeded.

“There was even gossip saying that he probably did it because he was cheating during midterms and that a professor found out he was taking drugs, but I’m not sure if that’s credible. Kinda hard to believe, you know? Either way he just adds to the statistic that proves how this society has serious issues that needs addressing. These things happen every year; even our school is not safe... Anyway, you were saying he left you a suicide note?”

Joohyun snapped to her senses and began to touch her pockets, but she remembered—she never placed the letter in her pocket. She looked down on her palms. They were empty. _Where’d the letter go?_ “Oh my god, I must have lost it on the way here…”

Yongsun’s jaw dropped. “How could you lose it?! Isn’t that, like, important?”

Thirty minutes of walking through the campus grounds did nothing for the two letter-scavenging college girls. The letter was nowhere in sight.

“Maybe we should just give up on it. For all we know a cleaning lady would have already picked it up and thrown it in one of the bins, and I’m not down for going through trash…,” said Yongsun. “I should probably head to the school broadcasting center. I still have a radio show tonight. I don’t really know Bogum that well, but it’s still very upsetting. Try not to break down, Bae Joohyun.”

“I don’t know him that well either…”  _But it’s just impossible for me not to be bothered by this..._

Perturbed by the terrible news, Joohyun went back to her dorm room, trying to process it all. She just saw Bogum yesterday. It was unbelievable, almost ridiculous. _Suicide—_ the life-threatening thought had crossed her mind the other day on a whim. To think that the real culprit of the cheating scheme also thought the same thing—and actually went through with it—was so scarily ironic.

When she got to her dorm, she noticed her phone—left unattended on her bed the whole time—had been buzzing nonstop. “Oh shoot, my date with Seulgi!”

That was when she finally answered her phone. But for some reason Seulgi was just incomprehensible over that call, begging her not to do something with undecipherable utterings that were difficult to listen to. She seemed to be bawling hard.

_“…Your dorm?!”_ There was a lot of sniffing and hiccuping on the other end of the line. Seulgi crying—it was a worrying thought. It was the first time she heard the bubbly kid cry.

“Yes, Seulgi. I’m so sorry, but something happened and the date just slipped my min—”

Before Joohyun could finish her sentence, Seulgi yelled over the line, “Stay there! Don’t move! Don’t do anything! Please!”

“Huh? Seulgi? Please, tell me, what is going on? Seul—” The call was cut. A monotone was followed by beeps. Seulgi seemed to have ended the call.  “Hello? Seulgi?”

 

* * *

[1] 돈까스 – Tonkatsu (Japanese)

[2] 단무지 – Yellow pickled radish; a side dish usually served for free—often with unlimited refills.


	16. Stuck on You (네 곁에)

#  **Chapter XIII**

 

**Stuck on You**

네 곁에

(By Your Side)

 

Just like Seulgi ordered with much emphasis, Joohyun stayed in her room, and did not do much of anything. Seulgi’s turbulent yells still ringed in her ears. It was very concerning. She kept frantically insisting that “ _Unnie don’t do it.”_ Whatever it was, her strained voice was filled with intense drive. It was the first time Joohyun ever heard of such desperate cries. _Did something happen?_

Thinking back on Bogum, Joohyun looked up news articles on the internet. It was true. He truly did the unthinkable. A lump formed in her throat; she felt like throwing up. She felt so utterly nauseated by the news that she just shut down her laptop to avoid it all together. Out of energy, she limply lay on her bed, staring vacantly at the bright ceiling. Her chest rose and fell with each painful breath. Along with a laborious exhale, tears slid down the sides of her face. What happened to Bogum was awful. It was awful because she knew she could relate, and she trembled in dread at the thought of it. There she cried for some time, trying to make sense of it all.

_“Joohyun Unnie!”_ A muffled cry from outside was followed by loud, obnoxious knocks. Joohyun jumped up from her bed, surprised by the unexpected pounding on the door.  _“Unnie! Please! Open the door!”_

“S-seulgi…?” It had been about more than thirty minutes since her call.

Joohyun quickly got up and pulled the latch to open her door, forgetting to dry her own tears before doing so. There at her door was the high school girl in an over-sized red shirt, with eyes and nose all red and swollen—a face drenched in tears. Upon seeing the _unnie_ she so desperately searched for, Seulgi immediately flung her long arms around her, pouncing at her for a very unexpected, tearful embrace.

“Un-nie… un-nie…” the sobbing bear moaned between hiccups. The door swung back closed, leaving the two of them alone in the small quarters Joohyun barely called home.

“Seul— Seulgi, h-how did you find me…?” The bear had her arms around the shorter unnie’s arms and shoulders, leaving no room for movement. Tears stopped falling from Joohyun’s eyes amidst the confusion. “Seulgi, w-what’s wrong?”

After a while, Seulgi gently pulled off from the hug and gazed at the pair of worried almond-shaped eyes before her. This beautiful little thing—she was alive—not dead at all. Seulgi continued sobbing, cupping Joohyun’s porcelain-white cheek with one hand and running the other through Joohyun’s silky black hair. What a relief it was. Her beloved Joohyun Unnie was still here. She was not too late.

Before Joohyun could get a word in edgewise, Seulgi suddenly began a teary rant that seemingly came out of nowhere. She took out the letter from her pocket and held it to Joohyun’s teary-eyed face. “How could you? How could you write this?!”

Joohyun stared at the object Seulgi was blatantly displaying upside-down. Upon recognizing the item, her eyes grew wide in shock. “You have this?!”

“Yes! You dropped it and I got it!  _‘I’ve actually wanted to end it all for the longest time’?! ‘Goodbye, for the last time’?!_  Really?! How could you think of ending your precious life like that?!” The pacifist bear had honestly never confronted anyone this seriously in her life, but she just felt so outraged and scared and upset and a bunch of other intense emotions, that she had to let it out into an angry roar.

“What? Seulgi, I—” Joohyun tried to explain the letter but Seulgi kept going.

“You don’t know what it would be like for me if I lost you... You made me happy... You were the one who told me not to give up; you were the one who told me not to be so hard on myself. Because of you I found determination; because of you I did okay in my freakin’ midterms! It was all because you cared about me. It was because you smiled at me. It was because you ran with me under that very damn sky even though we we’re soaked in dirty rainwater!” Seulgi heatedly pointed her finger to the ceiling.

“After that I always thought about you! Not once did your name stop echoing in my thoughts! Every time it rains, I think about you. I wonder if you had an umbrella. Every night I wonder if you were sleeping well because I stayed up thinking about you and the words you said to me. Ever since you told me you were lonely, I was afraid you’d be alone so I wanted to spend time with you. I did not want you to be lonely; I even gave you that stupid bear-thingy to cheer you up!” Seulgi pointed to Ryan, sitting still on a small stool by the corner, watching the two of them with his usual pokerface. “I was afraid that you had no one there for you. I was afraid you were tired and nobody would feed you when you were hungry...” Finally, Seulgi furiously hurled the letter down on the floorboards.

The stunned college girl stood there, hearing these frustrations as if she was transported back to that dark fragment in time when she thought about ending it all. There on the platform above treacherous waters, she stood alone between life and death, but an alteration in the flow of space caused a different twist. Seulgi appeared in the void, standing before her screaming some sense into her. It was true that she did not write that letter, but she might as well had at the time, and it would have been in a similar note, a similar handwriting… 

“You said it yourself that I made you happy. Was that not enough? I care about you, Unnie! I can’t lose you, not like this! If I do, I’ll spend the rest of my life knowing my efforts were not good enough. Because honestly, I…” Her voice broke. Then in a soft, shaky voice she said, “I… I love you. I really do. Even Wendy relied a lot on you, and thinks of you as her older sister… She can’t lose you t-too. I’m not saying you live for me or for Wendy, but… you’re worth more than this. You’re worth s-so m-much m-more…”

Flashes of everything came coming back to Joohyun once more. That night on the bridge was not one of her best moments. She remembered all the depressing thoughts that went through her head that night. It was sad—very sad—that she lived to retain a painful memory like that to look back on. Unable to hold it in anymore, Joohyun’s head fell, and naturally, her jet-black hair slid down to crowd over her face like a protective curtain. She covered her face with her hands; her shoulders shook in reflex. Soft snivels and whimpers followed suit. This was the first time she had ever cried in front of anyone. All she wanted to do was hide and cower.

As she was trying to hide the unstoppably pouring emotions, Joohyun felt this enclosure of warmth around her frail little self. This gentle bear—cuddly and warm—had held her close in a blanket of comfort…  _like a candy wrapped in foil._  “Please don’t disappear. I love you, Joohyun Unnie. I’m here for you. I’ll always be here. I’ll always be here…”

This was where everything the innocent bear had learned came to play. She recalled what Yeri had said the other day:  _“What if I don’t want it to melt away? What if I want to keep it with me forever?”_ Now she knew. Now she understood that feeling—the feeling of not wanting to lose someone. To Seulgi, Joohyun was like a candy. She did not want her candy—her sweet, precious candy—to melt away. If she could keep this precious jewel in her arms forever, she would. And as silly as Soo-Young had worded it once, yes, Seulgi was willing to “cry in a bathroom” with Joohyun, too. (And thank goodness they were in a normal room and not a bathroom.) If that wasn’t love, then what else would it be? To treasure someone with all your heart— _isn’t that love?_

Joohyun did not say anything but continued weeping softly on Seulgi’s chest. The comforting bear held her tighter to keep her balance. She had been through a difficult time, and for once in a very long while, someone had held her close. Someone made her feel truly  _loved._ The feeling was so foreign coming from someone else other than her mother. The way Seulgi expressed it gripped her heart in ways she could not fathom.  _Love… Even when I couldn’t love my broken self, how could Seulgi say that?_ It was difficult to breathe in. When she was so used to being constricted away from real oxygen, it was difficult to take in fresh air. And yet, this fresh air—it was better than anything else.

As they were crying together, there was a sudden rumble that resonated from the hungry bear’s stomach. Joohyun’s weeping softened. And unexpectedly, Seulgi exclaimed the funniest thing Joohyun ever heard that day, “Gosh, stomach, you ruin the mood!” Before she knew it, Joohyun was slightly giggling, even with tears still flowing from the ducts of her eyes. Chuckling or crying—it was hard to tell.

Joohyun calmed a bit, looked into Seulgi’s gentle mono-lid eyes, and ran her thumb on the bear’s smooth round cheek to wipe away her tears. Then she leaned her head on the nook of Seulgi’s neck and slipped her hands around the other girl’s waist for another hug. On a more serious note, she said in a very soft whisper-like voice, “I won’t disappear. I love you too, Seulgi.”

“You better promise me that,” Seulgi’s low voice indicated her seriousness about it. “That you won’t disappear.”

“I promise.”

“You really promise?”

“I promise, Seulgi.”

“Promise you won’t give up. You said it yourself. ‘It ends when you stop trying.’ Promise me—no—promise _yourself_ you won’t end it that way.”

It pained Joohyun to hear those words get thrown back at her, but she thought she probably deserved it for being such a hypocrite. She was only good at giving advice, but she had a difficult time following them herself. “Y-yes, I promise.”

Joohyun broke off the hug and grabbed the note Seulgi had thrown on the floor. “And if it makes you feel any better, you should know, I didn’t write this.”

The clueless bear blinked. “Y-you didn’t write that letter? B-b-but y-you were running and just now you cried a-and…”

“It was given to me, by someone I know.” Joohyun gulped. Seulgi’s mouth parted, unable to say anything. So Joohyun hesitantly continued, “He’s gone.”

“So, you weren’t going to…?”

“No.” It was the truth, but not the complete truth. “Someone I knew... did it last night. There’s no more stopping it. It’s too late.”

“I’m so sorry. I didn’t know.” Seulgi sat on Joohyun’s bed with a grim expression on her face. She saw the news this morning about the topic and she did not even bat an eyelash, but now she knew how truly awful it must be. “If it’s someone you know, you must have been devastated. Unnie, really… that’s so sad…”

Joohyun sat beside the sorry bear and sighed.  _What would have happened if I did make that jump?_ She glanced at the younger girl beside her looking so glum. Joohyun folded Bogum’s letter and ran her fingers on its slightly wrinkled surface, wondering, “What would have happened if I wasn’t too late? If only had a chance to be a lot nicer to him or just thank him…”

Seulgi sat there quietly, thinking about the same thing. It was a relief that Joohyun was still alive, but if she wasn’t, now what? She could not help but sigh. 

“Anyway…” The unnie lay a hand on the bear’s shoulder. “You must be hungry.”

“It’s okay, Unnie. I don’t feel like eating anymore.”

Again, the night on the bridge came up in her thoughts. That night, she was hungry, but she did not eat either. “We should eat, even just a little. You shouldn’t starve yourself.”

The two girls got up to prepare a small meal of ramen noodles in Joohyun’s narrow kitchen. They did not talk much, but being closer to each other, and doing this little activity together slightly made them feel better. It was the first time Joohyun ever had a guest in her tiny dorm room. It was the first time Seulgi had ever even been in a one-room dorm. Everything was a set of firsts.

“How’d you know where I lived though?” Joohyun asked, breaking the silence.

Seulgi watched the boiling water bubble intensely while Joohyun placed the noodles in the pot. “I asked around. It wasn’t that hard.”

“You didn’t go yelling at people, telling them I was about to… you know… kill myself?”

“No, I just asked for Bae Joohyun while crying. It probably freaked that one foreign-sounding guy out, but I didn’t tell him anything.”

_Foreign-sounding guy? Henry Sunbae? Ugh, crap… but thank goodness Seulgi did not say anything._ “Good girl.”

When they finished their meal, it was 10 o’clock. It was getting late. Seulgi’s house was about an hour ride home. She needed to get going. It wasn’t exactly safe to for a young high school girl to be out so late at night. But then there was Joohyun…

“Seulgi?” The two of them were sitting on the floor, with a small table and emptied bowls and chopsticks between them.

“Hm?”

“Can I ask you s-something? It may be a bit weird…”

“What is it?”

Joohyun fumbled around for a bit. She had no idea how to ask anyone this. “C-can you, um, s-stay o-overnight? W-with me? Here in my room, I mean. I’m kinda… I’m a little… scared. I don’t want to sleep alone tonight.”

Seulgi’s mouth slightly gaped.  _Joohyun Unnie is asking me to sleep with her?_ (Well, not in the “steamy” sense.) For a moment, she did not know what to say, but then she knew it was a request she must never refuse. Here was a frightened girl shaken after a horrible news. Leaving her alone in this small dorm room did not seem right. Even Seulgi knew that nightmares were easier to get over with only because she had Wendy to console her at night. But Joohyun Unnie has no one there for her.

“Of course, Unnie. It’s not weird at all. What happened to your friend must have been traumatizing for you. And like I said, I’ll be here for you when you need me.”

“Is it really okay? Won’t your parents worry?”

“It’s fine. This is important. They will understand.  Or at least, _they must understand_.”

***

_“Wendy, how are you, dear?”_ Wendy’s parents greeted her from a computer screen. They were huddled together so that their daughter could clearly see them.

“I’m doing great! I got straight-A’s again on my midterms! The job at the bakery is going well, the English lessons are doing well too. Oh, and we’re having a school trip-slash-cruise thing in two weeks! We’re going to Jeju and I’m so excited! I’ve never been there!”

_“That’s great darling. Have fun and enjoy it. It’s your last year in high school after all.”_

“Listen, Mom and Dad. I know I’ve been away from home for a long time, but I really do like it here. I miss you both, but I really do want to stay. Seulgi’s parents don’t mind; they all treat me like family! I even thought maybe I want to become a professional patissier.”

_“Wendy, you’re growing up and soon you’ll be done with high school. You should stop to consider things seriously. There are plenty of great opportunities here for you in Canada as well. And although you do love baking, is that really what you want to do for the rest of your life? You could be something greater, like a doctor, or a lawyer.”_

“Look, I’ve been thinking a lot nowadays, and taking a lot of advice on it. Honestly, I don’t care if I don’t get a highly-successful and stable job like doctors and lawyers with PhD’s. I just want to do what I love and stay in a place that I love. You guys may not agree with my choices, but for the longest time after Unnie passed away, I saw nothing in my future. But now I’m finally finding a sense of purpose and getting better at coping. My friends are helping me a lot, can’t you both support me as well?”

_“Wendy, it is your life. We do support you. We just want what’s best for you, and if you really want to do something, then we’ll cheer for you, though we may not agree with your choices. But we do advise that you thoroughly think of your decisions. We’re always here to support you.”_

Those words put a smile on Wendy’s face. For the first time in a long time, she was touched by her parents’ words. Although she did call them often, there were things she wanted to avoid. She felt guilty about her sister’s death for a long time and felt even more guilty after deciding to leave her parents behind. She was their only living daughter now after all. She knew she will have to strive harder for them.

“Thank you. I will think it through. You know I love you guys and I don’t want to disappoint you, right?”

_“We love you too, Wendy.”_

The moment Wendy ended the call with her parents on Skype, her phone began ringing. It was Seulgi calling.

“Hello, Seulgi?”

_“Hey Wendy. Mom’s phone is off again. Maybe you should tell her to recharge her batteries or something.”_

“Slug, where are you? Are you almost home?” Wendy sounded like a mother too sometimes.

_“No, look, this is why I’m calling. I won’t make it home tonight.”_

“Why? Did something happen?

_“Some guy Joohyun Unnie knew committed suicide. She just found out and she’s scared to sleep alone tonight. I’m staying here with her. I can’t leave her alone.”_

“Oh my god, that’s horrible! Is she okay? Was it the same guy in the news this morning? Could it be that guy?” Wendy began to sound frantic and worried. She stood from her seat and began to pace back and forth. Nothing’s worse than the news of someone’s death. She knew that by experience.

_“She’s a little better now, but like I said, she’s scared. Tell my mom and dad I’m sleeping over here, okay?”_

“Dude, Sluggie, let me talk to her.”

Shuffles could be heard from the other end. Seulgi must have passed the phone to Joohyun.

_“Hello, Wendy?”_ said the soft, shaky voice of none other than the most amazing cashier girl in the bakery.

“Joohyun Unnie, are you okay?” Wendy stopped pacing to concentrate on Joohyun’s soft voice.

_“I’m alright, Wendy.”_

“I’m so sorry about the terrible news!”

_“It’s alright, Wendy.”_

“No, no, it’s not,” Wendy said firmly. “I know how that feels. It’s very devastating.”

Back at Joohyun’s dorm, a wry smile formed on Joohyun’s face. What Wendy said was true. It was devastating. There was no way to sugarcoat it.

_“Unnie, I’m lending you my best friend tonight,”_ Wendy’s voice breached through the low static. _“Hold that bear tight and tell her everything you need to get off your chest. She’s a good listener. Then when we see each other at the bakery tomorrow, we can talk about it there.”_ Wendy said all of that as if it was her important duty to make sure Joohyun felt safe through this trial. It was a bit amusing, at the same time heartwarming. Wendy cared about her a lot too. Maybe she really wasn’t alone after all.

Later in the night, after washing dishes and washing up before going to bed, Joohyun lent her bear companion some pink pajamas with bunny prints on them. The slim high school girl wore the outfit nicely, but Joohyun could not help but giggle. A bear wearing bunny pajamas—what an adorably queer sight.

11:15 p.m. Both of them lay side by side on Joohyun’s adequately-sized bed (they were both small enough to sleep there together), heads supported by fluffy pillows and bodies covered by a warm, shared blanket. A side-lamp illuminated the tiny room; a slow, comforting ballad played through a small Bluetooth speaker. Never had the place been this cozy and homey.

Song: 소녀 by Hyuk Oh (Originally sung by 이문세)

_“Mmm… In the midst of this cold wind blowing,_  
_Though you are lonely and crying,_  
_I will always be here by your side;_  
_I won’t leave…”_

As Seulgi hummed along to the song, Joohyun lay on her side, watching her. She admired Seulgi’s kind features, kissed by the balmy glow of the lamplight.  _Seulgi is so cute,_ she thought with a slight chuckle.  _And to think she’s right here to accompany me tonight—nothing can be sweeter._ Her troubles slowly faded with every modulated note of Seulgi’s sweet, silvery voice. Joohyun leaned closer, continuing to watch as the younger girl’s eyes slowly blinked open and close—a hint of drowsiness. It was the first time Joohyun ever lay with a friend beside her, and it was a friend she liked very much too. It was nice.

Would this have happened if this entire mess did not happen either? If she wasn’t as lonely as she was, would she have appreciated this precious moment as much as she did now? Maybe; maybe not. Sometimes the loneliest people are the ones who truly see love and friendship at its utmost value, because they see it as something rare. And right now, Joohyun knew. This relationship that somehow miraculously happened in the past few months was something she truly wanted to cherish.

As Joohyun continued admiring Seulgi bear and her adorable minute habits and details, Seulgi turned to face her, looking back into her own gaze with a sleepy look on her peaceful countenance. “Unnie, what are you thinking about?” she asked in a whisper, throwing Joohyun off-guard.

“Nothing much,” Joohyun answered in a softer whisper.

“Do you know why he did it?”

“Hm?”

“That guy. The one who passed away.” It seemed Seulgi still had her mind on the recent tragedy.

“He probably had a very difficult time.” Joohyun did not want to talk about the possible factors that could have led to his end. Finding out all his reasons in detail might just make her feel worse.

Seulgi just sighed and closed her eyes, pulling the blanket over her shoulder. She did run around looking for Joohyun earlier. All of that, plus the overwhelming panic and the disheartening news sapped her of her energy. The older girl continued watching her. She put her hand over the blanket covering Seulgi’s arm and lightly patted her to sleep with a slow, steady rhythm. The baby bear seemed to be slowly drifting off to dreamland. Joohyun then reached over Seulgi to flick off the lamp switch beside her.

A dim light emanating from the windowsill touched Seulgi’s peaceful face, giving Joohyun enough vision. Joohyun lay back and positioned herself beneath the sheets, her gaze still fixed on the baby bear.

“Seulgi?”

Seulgi’s eyelids slowly lifted. “Hnghh…?”

“Goodnight. Sleep well,” Joohyun whispered with the same motherly smile.

“Goodnight, Joohyun Unnie. Sweet dreams.”

Minutes later, Seulgi had fallen asleep. The bear turned to lie on her back, sleeping with her mouth slightly parted. Joohyun on the other hand still had this restless feeling in her. She couldn’t sleep. She kept glancing at Seulgi, listening to her audible breathing. After a few careful movements, she looked toward the ceiling, wondering why she still wasn’t asleep. And so, she got up and drank a glass of water. Upon crawling back to bed, the bear shuffled and stretched her arms. She was awake.

“Did I wake you?”

“Mmnhh…” Seulgi mumbled.

“Sorry, Seulgi.” Joohyun pulled the blanket back up to tuck herself in.

“Can’t sleep, Unnie...?”

“Kinda.”

Seulgi turned to her side to face Joohyun again. She childishly scratched her eyes and yawned. “What’s wrong?”

Joohyun thought for a while. Maybe it was time to stare down her fears in the eyes and break free from them, instead of wallowing around the shadows of her self-pity. Maybe she should finally confess. Ignoring “it” won’t make it go away. It was now or never. “Seulgi…”

“What is it, Unnie?”

“I wasn’t completely honest with you earlier.”

Seulgi just kept quiet and waited for her to continue.

“Seulgi, honestly, I… I’ve thought of doing it before.”

“Doing what?”

“Ending it all. _Suicide_. I’ve been lonely; I’ve been pressured; Been overworked and wronged. I was having a very difficult time for a very long time. And when I was alone, the negative feelings that came with the hardships were magnified. I struggled alone until I reached that point when I just wanted to give up a day or two ago. That’s why when you confronted me, I cried, and cried very hard. The letter really wasn’t mine, but the things you said earlier… they really, really hit me, you know?”

There was silence. Both of them continued staring into each other’s eyes amid the shadows of the night. Seulgi placed her hand over Joohyun’s hand and frowned while fondling the _unnie_ ’s little fingers. Her heart broke upon hearing Joohyun open up to her about the hardships she was facing. She did not want this sweet unnie beside her to go through all that pain—especially not all alone. She wanted to hold her and protect her from all the bad things that could harm her.

“Why didn’t you do it then?” Seulgi suddenly asked, her voice slightly lower and rougher.

“I was too scared.”

“You won’t consider it again, won’t you? You just promised me earlier.”

“No, I won’t. Honestly, after the things you said, it got me thinking. That night when you sent me a message, reminding me of the ‘date’ I promised—it was the night I was at an all-time low. But I was too scared to do it. Suddenly, I received that message you sent, so I decided not to end it there. Now that I think about it, nothing was coincidence. Meeting you that day in the bus stop back in March was no coincidence. If I didn’t forget to bring an umbrella, and if your umbrella wasn’t broken, I don’t know what would have happened to me now.”

Contrary to how Joohyun thought Seulgi would react, the young cub began chuckling.

“What’s so funny?”

“The thing is… Unnie, my umbrella actually wasn’t broken that day. It was Wendy’s umbrella, and I didn’t notice there was a button, so I had no idea how to open it. It’s stupid. The stupid story of how I met you.”

Joohyun chuckled with her, hearing Seulgi’s perspective of the same old memory for the first time. It seemed so long ago, even though it was less than two months ago. Then she continued, “Maybe it is stupid, but I’m glad it all happened, so that you can be here beside me right now, right at this moment. I’m really glad I met you. What would I be without you?”

“Ehh... I think you’ll always be great, just as you are, with or without me,” Seulgi humbly said with a flattered giggle. “You’re an amazing person, Joohyun Unnie. You’re beautiful inside-out, and I hope you know that. Meanwhile, I’m just Seulgi. I don’t really know what I’m doing most of the time. I should really be thanking you more. You taught me so well and gave me great advice. Like I said, I really don’t know what I’d do if I lose you.”

Joohyun reached out to caress Seulgi’s bedhead. “You won’t lose me. I promised, didn’t I?”

“Unnie, can you promise me one more thing?”

“What?”

“That you won’t keep these things hidden to yourself. When you’re having a hard time, you’ll tell me, won’t you? You can trust me. It makes me feel sad when the people I’m close to hurt by themselves.”

“I promise. I do trust you.”

“You’ll also remember that I really do love you, won’t you?”

“I’ll remember. I’ll always remember and never forget. I love you too, Seulgi Bear. Thank you, for everything.”

Joohyun made 5 promises that night:  
_Never disappear._  
_Never give up._  
_Never end it “that way.”_  
_Never keep her troubles and hurt by herself._  
_Never forget that she is loved._

* * *

 

 


	17. Children’s Day (어린이 날)

#  **Chapter XIV**

 

**Children’s Day**

어린이 날

 

“Seulgi! Joohyun Unnie!” With light footsteps, Wendy jogged from the bus stop to The Red Bread bakery the next morning. “Good morning!”

Seulgi was helping Joohyun lift up the rolling gate after spending the night at her dorm, still sticking close to her beloved _unnie_. When Wendy’s shouts reached her bear ears, her mouth gaped in delight. “Wendy!”

“Hello Wend—” the eldest also tried to greet the other high school girl but was interrupted by another set of constricting arms flung at her with no warning.

“Joohyun Unnie, are you alright?” Wendy asked again, tightly squeezing the older girl’s two shoulders after a brief embrace. Her expressive round eyes displayed intense worry while scanning the older girl’s face.

“Wendy—I’m telling you—I really am fine.” Joohyun gave her a heartfelt smile. The faces Wendy made always entertained her to no end. Never had she met another person who displayed this much range of expressions.

“Look, Unnie,” Wendy ignored Joohyun’s words and began a speedy, fatherly-sounding lecture. She scrunched up her nose and used her index finger to emphasize her point. “Whatever happened out there with your friend was upsetting, but never think it was your fault. Like you told me, ‘never blame yourself for the things you can’t control.’” (She was updated on everything that happened last night while texting Seulgi on the way to the bakery.)

“I really am feeling a lot better, Wendy,” Joohyun giggled as wrapped her arms around the girl to shut her up. Whenever she saw Wendy being openly caring like that, she felt inspired to be more open to others too. Really, these two high school girls had taught her a lot. “But thank you. Thank you so much for worrying about me.”

“When you need to talk to someone, you can always talk to me or to Seulgi. I can’t be the only one leeching-off comfort and advice from you. I’m probably not as good as you in that area, but I’ll try my best. Helping each other needs to be mutual,” the girl went on talking.

Joohyun put a palm over Wendy’s cheek. “Yes, I will. Thank you, Wendy.” Then there was a sudden mischievous glint in the older girl’s eyes. “Only if you promise not to beat up dough again too.”

Wendy pursed her lips in embarrassment remembering that. “Ah-hah… I promise.”

As the other two were tenderly ogling at each other like a cliché romantic couple, the bear grimaced. She snorted at the sight of her beloved _unnie_ and best friend inconsiderately exchanging heart-eyes in front of her.  _Are they always like this when they work together?!_ The lucky bear had no right to complain, though, when she has literally  _slept_  with them both. (Really, in the most literal sense of the word…) “Hello, I’m still here…” the bear muttered.  _Maybe I should work in a bakery too…_

So then, Wendy sharply turned to the attention-seeking bear and asked, “And I really do hope  _you_  did not snore with your mouth wide-open last night while sleeping with Joohyun Unnie.”

Seulgi’s entire face turned tomato-red. “Sh-shut up, Wendy! As if  _you_  never snore…”

Joohyun giggled awkwardly, seeing them bicker like children. “Is this how you guys usually talk to each other…?”

The three of them set up the shop, getting everything ready before 10:30. As they waited for opening time, they sat on the dining area touched by the warm sunrays. A light chat led to more heartfelt confessions, a few tears, laughs, and smiles. They were now so much closer. At that moment, the previously lonely college lass realized she had found a set of friends who truly care about her. It was like a whole new world.

Wendy, who dominated the conversation, talked on about all the good news so far. She filled Joohyun in on Yeri, who had finally come back for lessons. She talked about her thoughts and concerns about her parents and potential baking dream. And of course, she talked about school and their successful midterms, without forgetting to mention the “super-fun-and-exciting” school trip coming up soon.

“…so, a cruise to Jeju Island, huh? Sounds fancy!” Joohyun teased. “Your school must be filled with a bunch of posh kids! When I was in high school we rode jam-packed buses!”

“No!” Wendy exclaimed while waving her hands. “We’re not rich.”

“Well, there are some rich students… Like Krystal—she’s the heir of this huge fashion brand company, and then there’s Sulli who was this child-star—”

“Sluggie.” Her twin sister from another mother shot her a glare. “Don’t overdo it,  _Princess._ ” She emphasized the “princess” mimicking Seulgi’s father.

“Ha-ha… We’re not rich though… Just lucky, I guess,” Seulgi awkwardly concluded.

“That sounds like a lot of fun, going on a trip with your friends and classmates like that,” Joohyun said, feeling happy for her young friends. She had been on school trips too during high school. Those were the days when she had made a close friend. Looking back, they were cherished memories almost forgotten. “I wish I can go too. I’ve been to Jeju when I was younger. It’s a really beautiful place.”

“Yeah, I wish you can come too,” Seulgi sighed, feeling all sentimental about Joohyun again. The longing to be with her 24/7 was strong, but she knew dragging her around everywhere or being an annoying leech was a no-no.

Genius Wendy snapped her fingers all of a sudden. A light bulb flicked on in her head. “You can’t come with us to the school trip, but maybe, maybe you can come with us to someplace else! This is important, and it might just cheer you up after all the madness you had gone through, Unnie. Besides, you need a break and a little fun. Having fun is important, you know.”

“So… what’s your plan?”

*** 

May 5th.  _Children’s Day—_ a holiday solely for the youth to enjoy themselves and have fun. Grown-ups gifted the youngsters with treats and toys, even pocket money. Though a bunch of teenagers and a legally-aged university student were barely even considered children, there was no stopping them from making the most of the break. They were children at heart, after all.

The plan was originally a “Cheer-up-Yeri” party (one among the series of fun activities they prepared before she leaves in the summer) but after some consideration, and Wendy’s insistence, it had turned into a “Cheer-up-Joohyun-Unnie-and-Yeri” day out. At first Joohyun had second thoughts—hanging out with all these younger kids felt like she was being some kind of baby sitter. Won’t she just be that old party pooper? Plus, they were heading to an amusement park. It may be fun to roam around, but certain rides involving heights and movements inducing motion sickness weren’t exactly her definition of fun. But then again, she finally found friends who wanted to invite her to places, so why not take the chance? She would rather not spend Children’s Day alone in her dorm, and Seulgi and Wendy’s friend Soo-Young’s father was buying the tickets for all of them, so she gets to go for free anyway…

Joohyun stood waiting at the entrance of the park, waiting for the other “children” to arrive at their promised place of meeting. From the point where she stood, she could hear the roars of the reverberating engines and screeching metals accompanied by wails and screams of passengers’…um,  _enjoyment? Or agony?_  Joohyun gritted her teeth after getting a glimpse of the zooming roller coaster from afar. It went in loops and ran down the steep drop at a frightening speed.  _That. Looks. Like. Torture._

“Joohyun Unnie!” she heard a high-pitched voice call out. It was Seulgi, waving her two long arms high above her head as she approached the gate.

Behind her were three other girls: Wendy, their tall friend Soo-Young, and Wendy’s student Yeri. She recalled seeing them all together for the first time more than a month ago and being slightly jealous of their closeness. Now she was given a chance to spend the entire day with them—definitely not a scene she would have imagined. Although she was close to Seulgi and Wendy, the two other younger girls—Soo-Young and Yeri—not so much. But it couldn’t be that difficult to deal with kids more than 5 years younger. If Motherly Joohyun had any strengths, it was knowing how to be an amazing  _unnie_ (which was probably one of the main reasons why Seulgi and Wendy totally fell for her…).

Seulgi and Wendy each gave Joohyun a friendly hug, while the younger two gave a slight bow and a slightly formal “hello[1].” The awkward eldest  _unnie_  smiled at the two younger kids and waved at them with a friendly “hello”[2] too.

“Ha-ha, the unnie from the bakery…” Yeri let out a few giggles while shyly glancing back and forth from Joohyun to a different _unnie_ and then back to Joohyun. “I come to buy bread at that bakery often but I never really memorized your name. Sorry.”

“She wears a name tag, and you never  _read_  it?” Wendy side-eyed Yeri, shooting arrows at her bookworm’s pride. “Besides, didn’t I already introduce you guys ages ago?”

“It’s Bae Joohyun. You can call me Joohyun Unnie,” the eldest introduced herself again. “You’re Yeri, right?” Then she turned to Soo-Young on Yeri’s left and said, “And you’re Soo-Young, right?”

The attention-loving Park Soo-Young’s jaw dropped in amazement. “You remember my name! And we only met once! Oh my gosh, you’re awesome!”

“Yeah, I talk to her about you guys all the time, that’s why,” Wendy nonchalantly stated.

Soo-Young slowly twisted her body to Wendy’s direction and held her heart as if the Canadian had said the most touching thing ever. “Aww, really…? Does that mean you always think of me while working? Gosh, Wendy Unnie, I’m touched.”

All five of them headed in with top-class ride-all-you-can straps around their pretty little wrists. The line took a while due to the crowds of people who came for a fun day just like them. There were folks from all walks of life—from the newborns to the oldest of senior citizens; from Seoul to Busan and foreign lands. There was so many people that they could have sworn the entire country and more were in that very amusement park right now.

“Guys! Hold hands!” Soo-Young yelled. As the tallest, she kept on the watch out for all the “shorties” to make sure they were all still together. And so, all five of them linked arms so as not to lose sight of each other amidst the sea of people heading in the entrance. When they got to a place where the people dispersed a bit, the five girls stood in a circle and tried to come up with a day-plan.

“Here’s the map, where do you guys want to go?” Joohyun said, showing them the parchment she had picked up at the entrance earlier. The four girls tossed suggestion after suggestion. Seulgi and Wendy voted the thrill rides, Soo-Young voted the safari area, and Yeri, well… she was just there listening to the high school triad argue. The eldest looked directly at the youngest, waiting for her own suggestion. “Yeri?”

The other three looked to the thirteen-year-old’s direction. Now all eyes were on her. “Ha-ha… I’ll just go wherever you guys want to go.”

“Wait just one sec,” Seulgi interjected. “This whole thing was all about Yeri in the first place.”

“Oh yeah,” Soo-Young said, regretting the fuss she made because she was outnumbered by the two high school seniors in the thrill-rides-versus-zoo-area fight. “What do you want to do, Yeri?”

“Um…” Yeri glanced down at the map and looked straight to the oldest girl, the one who seemed to be leading this pack. “I don’t really like the scary rides, and I don’t like scary animals either…”

“Okay, fine,” Joohyun spoke up. “We’ll mark every ride you all want and follow a path on the map. If Yeri, Soo-Young, and I can’t go on a ride, the three of us will just roam near the area until Seulgi and Wendy both finish. We’ll go to the safari area last when you’re all sick of rides. But Yeri, if you really don’t want to go see the animals, we can just split up and you can stay with me and take pictures elsewhere. After this, it’ll probably be time for dinner, so we can eat somewhere outside the park before going home. Deal?”

They all agreed with Joohyun’s plan. The _unnie_ thought of ideas to maximize their day with everyone’s enjoyment in mind like it was her job. Everyone thought she was impressive.

 

The five protagonists walked through the place, admiring the lively chaos of the scene. Amusing vendors with over-priced helium balloons and colorful sugar-filled snacks attracted children; flowery shrubbery and curiously shaped topiaries and trees were popular backdrops for commemorative photographs among visitors. The five of them took photos of each other and even with one of those brand-new “selfie sticks” that Soo-Young had brought along. Just taking photos in and of itself was a whole lot of fun.

As they continued walking, the well-known rides were already gathering long lines. In the meantime, onlookers watched in awe as the ginormous contraptions started swinging and revolving. Seulgi and Wendy lined up for the famous roller coaster immediately and left the other three to wander around nearby. Whenever the three non-riders saw a photo opportunity, Joohyun immediately asked the cousins to pose for a picture. She was only doing this to be a little less awkward with them and to try to get closer to them. While waiting for Seulgi and Wendy, the other three ended up taking so many photos at the garden area.

“Wow, Unnie, you take good shots,” Soo-Young commented as she and Yeri swiped through Joohyun’s phone gallery. “Oh my gosh, I look so pretty and innocent in this photo!” Soo-Young slapped her cousin’s arm while looking at a snap of her smelling a pink tulip among the field of yellow and red tulips.

“That’s good because you’re ugly and crazy in real life,” Yeri sneered.

“Why you—! Kim Yerim! You’ll pay for that!”

The eldest was a bit culture-shocked while watching them.  _These kids bicker a lot, don’t they? No wonder Wendy thinks they’re nuts…_

As Soo-Young swiped through photos, she came across the pictures Joohyun took with Seulgi during their cherry blossom date in Han River. She suddenly started snickering with Yeri and continued browsing through it all without Joohyun’s permission.

Meanwhile, the two inseparable high school best friends rode the roller coaster and yelled “fighting!” together. Excited screams and the rush of adrenaline and warm air got them both gripping each other’s hand so tightly. They went through sky-high heights and sudden drops without letting each other go. At the end of the euphoric thrill, their hairs were a mess and their faces look sapped of energy, but they sure had a fantastic time together. The two were definitely twins; it did not matter if their parents were different or not. _Together forever, until the end,_ that’s what they were.

After Seulgi and Wendy’s ride, they all ended up lining up for the bumper cars. Joohyun was worried of the safety of the bumper car at first, but she surprisingly found it rather fun. Soo-Young and Yeri went around crashing into everyone on purpose. When playful Soo-Young forcefully collided with Joohyun in a hit and run, the annoyed _unnie_ went to chase after her but ended up crashing into poor Wendy instead. It was so much fun, though the silly bear lost control of her car for the most part. Seriously, if everyone who drove bumper cars were given actual driver’s licenses, you bet pandemonium will ensue.

 

Later—though Joohyun, Soo-Young, and Yeri swore they did not want to go—they finally agreed to ride in one of the less intense coaster rides. It wasn’t one of those terrifying rides twisting upside down or rotating 360 degrees, but Joohyun tightly gripped the handle bars until her knuckles turned white. She also had her eyes closed the entire time especially when the car when up and down in an annoying humpy pattern. Noticing Joohyun’s distress, Seulgi comfortingly put her hand over the girl’s and screamed as they rushed through the wind, “It’s alright Joohyun Unnie! It’s almost over!” In the end, the poor _unnie_ ’s knees turned to jelly. Holding tightly onto her fluffy bear was the only way of steadying herself on solid ground.

“That wasn’t so bad, now, was it?” The bear had to admit, having Joohyun cling to her made the ride a lot less boring.

“Are you kidding me?! That was horrible!” Joohyun unabashedly yelled at the bear using her strong Daegu accent—still trembling from the ride.

“But you survived. You’ve conquered your fear!”

“Uh, I don’t think I’m going on that ride again.” Joohyun listlessly tucked her messy black hair behind her ear. Seulgi tried combing it straight with her fingers. She smiled sweetly at Joohyun when she met her eyes, relieving the fear caused by the wretched ride.

“Me either!” Yeri exclaimed, panting as she bent to hold her knees. It seemed Joohyun wasn’t the only one who thought the ride was horrible.

Soo-Young, who pretended to be tough, laughed at the two other chicken-hearts. “I was scared too at first but that ride wasn’t so bad. Now maybe I want to try others rides too…”

Wendy rolled her eyes at the tall girl’s remark. “Oh, for goodness sakes, Park Soo-Young, you were crying and calling out for your mother the entire time.”

“Hey, let’s go on that one!” Seulgi excitedly pointed to the gigantic wooden Viking ship swinging in a pendulum-like to and fro.

“Right! Let’s go!” Wendy exclaimed, grabbing onto her best friend. “What about you guys?”

The eldest and the youngest stared at the ship, their stunned faces pale with horror.

“No, thanks!” Yeri said backing out and hiding behind Joohyun’s back.

“Ah- I’ll s-stay here with Yeri,” Joohyun uttered.

Soo-Young seemed uncomfortable about it too, but…

“Hey, Park Soo-Young, we’ll be riding a ferry for our school trip! You can’t go being a chicken on this one!” Wendy taunted.

“Oh yeah!” Seulgi laughed. “You can think of it as preparation! Besides, it’s just a really, really big swing! It’s not scary!”

The two high school seniors chortled and slapped their thighs as they lined up for the ride, knowing Soo-Young was slightly scared.

“Hey, you two morons!” Soo-Young yelled at them. “Who says I’m a coward?!” The tallest jogged after the two to join them on the Viking ride, leaving the eldest unnie and the thirteen-year-old together.

“Ha, she’s doomed,” Yeri sneered.

The _unnie_ looked around then intertwined her fingers with the youngest’s hand. She leaned down to the kid’s ear and said, “That previous ride was awful. You want ice cream? Unnie will treat you.”

Yeri’s two eyebrows shot up. “Who doesn’t like ice cream?!”

Together they happily skipped to the nearby gourmet ice cream vendor. As expected, the ice cream was overpriced to cater to tourists, but Joohyun handed in her money anyway. Cute little Yeri looked highly pleased as she accepted a large-sized cup of strawberry sundae topped with delightful chocolate-cookie crumbs. A new _unnie_ was giving her treats. Being the youngest is awesome.

“Is it good?”

Yeri licked her spoon, relishing every drop. “Oh yeah, this is so good. But Joohyun Unnie, if you’re scared of rides too, why’d you come? You’re a college student. Why would you even want to hang out with us?”

“I just thought I needed a change of scene.” Joohyun dipped her spoon into the cup to eat with Yeri.

“A change of scene?”

The older girl chuckled. “Yeah, that probably sounds too deep. I mean, I don’t want to stay in my dorm. And I need to take my mind off things. Just a break from my usual routine. Just being in the university area stresses me out.”

“Ah…” Yeri had heard about the suicide from the high school unnies’ conversations the other day during their English lesson. She has read a lot of those in novels, but to experience first-hand probably wasn’t as fascinating.

“What about you, why’d you agree to this if you don’t like rides either? They were all doing it for you, but it seems they’re enjoying it more than you do.”

Yeri coughed while eating ice cream. Then she nervously stuttered, “W-what are you talking about? I’m having fun.”

Suddenly, a very distinct dolphin-like, high-pitched screech was heard the moment the Viking started up again. “Ha, Soo-Young Unnie… That’s definitely her,” Yeri changed the topic. “She’s loud when she’s scared.”

Joohyun ruffled the kid’s hair as she watched her devour another spoonful of ice cream. Then she asked a different question. “How are the English lessons with Wendy? Is she a good teacher?”

“Ah, well, she’s alright,” Yeri replied aloofly.

The older girl chuckled and patted the kid’s back. “It’s fine, you can be honest. I won’t tell her anything. It’ll be our secret.” She looked at Yeri with a wink.

“Well, it is true, she is alright.” Then she leaned closer to Joohyun and whispered, “Kind of a drama queen at times, but she’s alright.”

The _unnie_ burst in laughter. “So, Wendy’s a drama queen, huh?”

“Yeah, an overly-caring drama queen, but don’t tell her that!”

“Well, what about Seulgi and Soo-Young?”

Yeri let the ice cream melt in her mouth while thinking. “Hm… Seulgi Unnie, she’s kind of a dummy. She’s totally stupid, but she’s the ‘nice kind’ of stupid. You can tell her that and she’ll think it’s a compliment. Then there’s Soo-Young Unnie. She’s ridiculously crazy—almost witch-like. You won’t understand unless you know her.”

Joohyun chuckled at the savageness of the kid’s descriptions. “You must be really close to them.”

“Yeah. I actually have a bunch of baby sisters, but when I’m with the unnies I get to be the baby, and I kinda like that, even when they gang up on me. But they all treat me really well too.” Yeri had a melancholic way of saying all of it, and the perceptive unnie caught the mood immediately.

“So, you really do love being with them. You want to cherish your time with them, that’s why you went along with them today even though you’re not big on amusement parks, right?” Joohyun repeated her question. This was the exact tactic she taught Wendy back then—to ask other questions until the answer naturally comes up.

“Tch… You’re good at this, aren’t you?” Yeri passed the ice cream cup to Joohyun for her share.

“Good at what?”

“Making people talk.”

“I am…?”

“You seem pretty close to Seulgi Unnie and Wendy Unnie too.”

Joohyun smiled. “I guess I am. Honestly, that’s one of the reasons why I came today too. _I like being with them_. They make me happy when I feel down.”

Just then, the high school triad had come back with a hubbub of laughter and jeers after their exhausting Viking ride.

“That was so much fun!” the bear exclaimed.

“Man, my ears, still hurt,” Wendy grumbled. “Soo-Young, you screamed too loud!”

“Yeah, I’m not riding that again. If I don’t do something, I might throw up,” the tall one muttered between pants. Then her gaze drifted to the ice cream cup the other two were eating. “Hey! I want some too!”

Soo-Young opened her mouth for a spoonful but was met with disappointment. “Get your own!” Yeri didn’t want to share with her cousin, but she shared with Joohyun because it was her money anyway.

 

The five of them continued walking through the colorful streets, roaming around with ice cream cups in hand. Then they stopped by to check out the fair booths. There were shooting booths with prizes and claw machines on the sides. Seulgi, the queen of prize booths, won and gifted Soo-Young a duck plushie—because according to her best friend Wendy, Soo-Young was a total “chicken.” She also won Yeri a super-cute  _Squirtle_  doll, which the youngest held onto for the rest of the day like a  _Pokémon_ trainer on an adventure.

After taking more photos and filling themselves with an assortment of unhealthy amusement park snacks like chicken popcorn, nachos, and churros, they all went to the safari area together. All five of them went aboard an enclosed bus that went through the exclusive safari area. From inside the bus, they were able to spot lions, tigers, and even real bears, resting on rocks and roaming freely by the ragged path. Some beasts were indifferent to visitors, but some tigers menacingly pounced on vehicles and cried out ferocious roars—almost giving Joohyun and Yeri a heart failure. The three high school kids were thoroughly fascinated though. Soo-Young even ended up naming all the animals they passed by and talked to them as if they could understand—or even hear—whatever gibberish she was saying.

There were other seemingly exciting rides like the “Amazon-boat-ride” in the same zoo area,  but Joohyun and Yeri called it quits. So then all five of them rode the kiddie train to transfer to another area of the park. The exhausted “children” had gotten tired of all the roaming and walking.

“Oooh! I want to ride that one!” Yeri pointed to a huge Merry-Go-Round where little kids and parents were lining up. It was revolving at a suitable speed that even the scaredy-cats could handle. The horses and unicorns were made of hard, lifeless material, making them the perfect creatures for those less-friendly with real animals. So then, the five of them rode the Merry-Go-Round. By then the sun was also setting and they were all pretty exhausted. This was the perfect easy-going ride to end the day.

“Joohyun Unnie, sit here on the horse beside me!” Seulgi said as she dragged the _unnie_ to a pair of white horses with gold-painted mane. Before climbing up the horse, Joohyun took her phone and snapped a photo of Seulgi riding her own horse. The _unnie_ smiled in satisfaction at the cuteness. Right in front of them were Wendy and Soo-Young, and Yeri was right behind them, playing with some random stranger’s toddler. Joohyun called out to the two in front and asked to pose for a picture, to which they made peace signs and wide smiles. Soo-Young even happily showed the duck plushie to the camera. Then the photographer also turned around to take pretty candid shots of little Yeri using her  _Squirtle_  to entertain an even littler toddler. Everyone looked so happy in the photographs. Joohyun felt herself smile widely at the sight of these sweet keepsakes.

“Joohyun Unnie, Seulgi, Yeri, look here!” Wendy said, as Soo-Young held up her selfie stick so that everyone can be in the picture. Everyone blithely posed.

Moments later, the ride started up, and the Merry-Go-Round started “merrily going ‘round”. Moving lights lined the golden rails; shiny horse figures bobbed up and down. A fun nursery rhyme started playing through speakers, accompanied by riders’ sweet laughter. Joohyun looked back to Yeri who seemed to be enjoying herself in this ride while tightly clutching her  _Squirtle_. Then she looked in front of her and saw Wendy and Soo-Young childishly pretending to be princes.

“Unnie, smile!”

Joohyun glanced at the bubbly bear beside her, holding a phone in her hand. Without having to force herself, a natural smile filled with happiness and gratitude stretched across her face. Seulgi snapped a photograph of her and looked up to her with a giggle. Sliding her phone back into her bag, she extended her hand out.

“Unnie, hold my hand.”

Joohyun looked adoringly into the eyes of her darling bear and held her warm hands throughout the ride that seemed to have lasted forever. And the most blissful ride it was. The lights… the sights… the smiles and the lovely company… if only they could all be this free of worry and innocently happy forever…

***

“Cheers to the amazing Children’s Day!” Soo-Young raised up her glass of soda and everyone else followed suit. After the merry-go-round, they had all decided to have one final dinner together at the nearest pizzeria outside the amusement park.

“Cheers!”

When their extra-large pizza came to their table, they all began to eat their fill, restocking all the lost energy. It had been a long day. For the first few minutes, they all bit and chewed without speaking a word due to exhaustion.

“Did you all have fun?” Wendy asked amid everyone’s chewing.

“Oh yeah,” Yeri said with a full mouth. “Best day ever!”

“No doubt!” Soo-Young affirmed.

“Even though you were scared of most rides?” Wendy teased.

“Keep quiet, I’m eating,” the tall one retorted.

“What about you, Joohyun Unnie, did you have fun?” Seulgi asked.

“Yes, I had a lot of fun. Thanks to all of you.” Just like what Yeri said, it was definitely one of the best days ever. Although she felt like dying in that one ride and wanted to faint upon seeing the beasts up close, she was still very satisfied with everything they did together. She had gotten closer to Soo-Young and Yeri, and had a lot of young, stupid fun with Seulgi and Wendy too. Can she still say she was lonely now? For once in a very long time, the answer was no, and it made her heart beat with life. They were successful in their mission: Joohyun really did get cheered up today.

“Joohyun Unnie took so many great photos,” Soo-Young added. “We should do this again. Have all five of us hang out again before Yeri leaves, I mean.”

“Yeah, we should,” Wendy agreed.

After thinking for a bit, Joohyun suddenly got a great idea. “Actually, our university is having a festival at the last week of May. I heard some popular artists like  _Psy, Girls’ Generation_ , and  _Zion.T_  are coming to perform. I was also supposed to host for the event, but I ended up quitting… But if you guys want to come see them, it’s totally for free. Just try to avoid the drunk college students at the tent areas and we’ll all be fine.”

“Oh. My. Gosh. Girls’ Generation?!” Yeri suddenly freaked out. Seeing fer favorite idol group for free would be insanely epic.

“Wow, that’s sounds fun! Going to a university festival!” Soo-Young exclaimed in excitement. Then she looked at the other two high-school girls. “What do you say, shall we all go?”

Wendy stood from her seat and held a piece of pizza up. “Yes! Let’s all go!”

“Yeri likes Girls’ Generation a lot.” Seulgi chuckled. “This is will be very interesting.”

“Really? I’ve actually met some of the members,” Joohyun said as if it was no big deal. Everyone’s jaw dropped. “I work at an evening radio for my internship, and when they guest-starred one night, I was there. They were really nice. Nicer than my supervisor, actually.”

“Oh. My. Gosh,” Yeri repeated. “You’re not serious, are you? You even work at a radio station?!”

“I’m serious. Actually, IU will the guest next week and—”

“No way! I love IU! I’m her biggest fan too!” Yeri proclaimed her love for another popstar. The other three high school unnies just chuckled at her reaction. “Gosh, I wish I can meet her…”

“Hm…” Joohyun thought for a while.  _Am I even allowed to bring in a kid to the office? Maybe, maybe not…_ but she sure did want to make Yeri happy on her last days in Korea too. _If I could only pull some strings…_

“Oh yeah, speaking of next week, the cruise starts on Monday, right?” Seulgi asked, making sure she had her mental calendar in order.

“Yup,” Wendy confirmed for her after checking her smart phone organizer. “Maybe after my job at the bakery this weekend, we have to get packing for the school trip. Yeri, you should tell your mom that we won’t be having English lessons next week.”

The thirteen-year-old heavily sighed. “Okay.”

“Oh, hey, what’s this?!” Soo-Young said, examining her cousin’s scowl closely. “You’re going to miss us while we’re away next week, are you?! Poor Yeri won’t get to annoy and frustrate her unnies next week!”

Yeri’s eyes grew wide and her face blushed red. Then she gave her mocking cousin a feint attack. “Shut up!”

“Oh, come on, just admit you’ll miss us!”

“Gosh, it’s just a stupid school trip. _It’s not like you guys will be gone forever!_ ”

“Eh… Yerim, come on…” The three high-school _unnies_ continued playfully teasing their baby Yeri.

Finally she yelled, “Fine! I’ll miss you all! Happy now?!”

With the sight of this precious little group, Joohyun could not help but laugh along. “You are all so cute!”

* * *

[1] “안녕하세요”

[2] “안녕”


	18. Thunder (천둥)

#  **Pre-Epilogue**

 

**Thunder**

천둥

 

_I remember. I remember the sounds of thunder…_

On that gloomy monsoon in the middle of the year, Bae Joohyun sat at the bus stop watching the chaos of drops fall… down… down… blurring everything. All the loneliness, all the pain, all the happiness, all the confusion, all the disbelief—all muffled by the cacophony of seemingly endless rain.

But if anything still ringed clear, it was nothing but the empty shell of memories—a running film cackling between frames in bold sepia. Happy, smiling faces were morphed and warped by puddles; a world of colour was dyed in grey and stripped of saturation. All these memories from the past few months, good and bad, were all let loose in replay in her head, with Joohyun trying to find some sense in all of them.

 _“That sounds like a lot of fun, going on a trip with your friends and classmates like that,”_ she remembered saying.  _“Have fun on your school trip tomorrow!”_

 _“Gosh, it’s just a stupid school trip!”_ Yeri’s voice echoed in her throbbing head. _“It’s not like you guys will be gone forever!”_

Under the same crying skies, under the same turbulent clouds, even the sunniest of days past were now shrouded by a thick fog. How could moments so fond and beautiful leave such a painful wound in her heart? Why were these wonderful memories suddenly stinging like antiseptic to her open cuts? How could the same cheerful laughs ring grimly like echoing thunder?

Joohyun glanced back down on the blue umbrella lying on the cold, damp bricks, still sobbing, unable to fight her rain-like tears. The rumbles resonating from the skies and her distraught thoughts were turning unbearably louder and louder, until it was all that she could hear…

 


	19. Before You Go (가기 전에...)

#  **Chapter XV**

 

**Before You Go**

가기 전에...

 

“Hm…” Joohyun ran her finger from left to right, skimming through titles and labels at the local music store. “Ah-hah! There it is!”

Pulling out the album from the rack, Joohyun examined the off-white cover with an image of popular female artist IU in a yellow dress, sitting among bookshelves. “ _A Flower Bookmark_ … ‘IU Remake album’? So, it’s all old songs? Interesting…”

The college girl placed her chosen item on the counter and handed out her card for the payment. She was also given a free rolled-up limited edition poster—a norm when you purchase an album within the particular artists’ promotion period.

As she was about to leave, she saw a familiar classmate browsing through one of the shelves. The familiar girl kept craning her neck up to look at the higher shelves. “Yongsun?”

Looking down, the other college girl met eyes with Joohyun and greeted her with a smile. “Oh, hey, Joohyun! We always run into each other like this, huh? Did you do anything interesting on Children’s Day?”

“Well, yeah, I went to an amusement park with friends yesterday,” Joohyun said obviously happy with her holiday. She could not stop thinking about the day out with the girls. It was so much fun.

“That’s nice! I’m here looking for new stuff to listen to. What did you get?” Yongsun asked as she pointed to the plastic bag with the CD and poster.

“Oh, it’s IU’s new album. A gift. For a little sister.”

“Neat! I heard it was just released a day or two ago. Anyway, I also heard you quit the emcee position for the festival. Is everything alright?”

“Yeah, well, I don’t think I can do it after, you know… what happened.”

“I understand. It’s still upsetting.” Yongsun went up to lightly pat Joohyun’s arm. “Take it easy, Bae Joohyun.”

The tragic news still circulated around the university. There were hushed murmurs and vague theories about Bogum’s reasons, but the closest to the truth had to be the suicide note that Joohyun received, which she later showed her professor. She also went to Bogum’s memorial service the day before Children’s Day and offered condolences to his grieving family. It was a strange feeling—going to the funeral of someone you once saw often—and a very young someone too. It just did not seem right. Nothing about it felt right.

After the long, four-day weekend with Saturday, Sunday, Children’s Day, and Buddha’s Birthday all lined-up next to each other, Joohyun got back to her usual routine. More classes, more studying, more work…

Although the empty seat where Bogum used to fill in that one class still haunted her, her days seemed to be getting brighter. Children’s Day opened up new connections when Soo-Young started a virtual chatroom with all five of them. At first it only served as a way of sharing each other’s photos from the amusement park, but then they started talking and sharing stories and funny jokes in the chatroom as well. During what used to be lonely nights, Joohyun would scroll through their messages, giggling to herself.  _These kids are so cute…_ For once, she felt like she belonged, even though they were a bunch of younger girls who could barely relate to a university student.

Seulgi still contacted her separately to talk to her about random stuff. One night, she told Joohyun in their separate chat, “Hey I know the other girls are starting to really like you too, but just remember one thing.”

“What?”

“I met you first.”

“ㅋㅋWhat’s that supposed to mean, Kang Seulgi?ㅋㅋㅋㅋ”

“It means you were mine first. I have to be number one to you too.”

“Don’t worry, you’re always special to me Seulgi Bear ㅋㅋㅋ”

On Thursday night while working on her internship at the broadcasting station, she asked her supervisor if she could bring in “her middle-school sister” to work on Monday next week—the day IU guest stars on the show. No matter what her lies and excuses were— “I don’t want to leave my sister alone”—the supervisor would not allow it, for fear of having an obstruction in the set, even though she swore her “sister” was usually well-behaved. It was too bad. She really wanted to do something nice for Yeri and let her have this amazing memory of meeting one of her favorite singers before leaving Korea. Unfortunately, it wasn’t possible at this time. She was just a lowly intern after all. And since it was an evening radio, she wasn’t even sure if Yeri would be allowed to come with her either. Nevertheless, she can still have the album and poster signed, and hopefully Yeri will still love her gift. This was all coming from a loving _unnie_ ’s sincere heart.

“Do you think Yeri will like it?” she asked Wendy in the bakery that following weekend.

“Are you kidding? A signed CD and poster? Unnie, she will freak out! Not everyone can give an insanely rare gift like that!”

“So, you think it’s a great idea?”

Wendy nodded her head furiously. “Absolutely!”

Later, when her shift was over, low rumbles could be heard coming from outside. Despite the bright sunny morning, gray clouds had gathered past noon. The startled Joohyun’s shoulders jerked up. Her hatred for the sound of thunder was too strong to suppress. The way it would shock her out of her wits infuriated her.

“Ugh…” Joohyun walked to the glass windows and peeked at the thickening rain clouds. “I didn’t bring an umbrella again. Can’t the weather just make up its mind in the morning? If it’s sunny in the morning, it should stay sunny for the rest of the day.”

“It’s fine, Unnie. You can borrow mine,” Wendy said, taking out her long blue umbrella. “Seulgi’s dad will pick me up later anyway.”

The moment Joohyun laid eyes on the blue umbrella, she started laughing. “Oh hey, it’s the ‘broken umbrella’!” It has been a while since she laid eyes on it, in all its glory.

Wendy slightly tilted her head, not sure what Joohyun meant. This umbrella has been working perfectly fine. She has even lent it to her friends a couple of times. “Broken umbrella?”

“Funny story…,” Joohyun began, running her hand over the rod. “When I first applied for this job, I came without an umbrella. But later, on my way back while riding the bus, the rain started pouring out of nowhere. So, when I got off the bus, I got stuck under the bus stop for some time, until I met Seulgi.”

“Oh! Seulgi told us about this a long time ago,” Wendy chuckled as well. “She thought the umbrella was broken. Gosh, that dummy…”

“After that, you came to work here too, Wendy. Funny, isn’t it? All these encounters…” It wasn’t even that long ago, but both of them felt rather nostalgic. “I’m really glad I met you and Seulgi and the others. They’re all great memories.”

“Aw, Unnie, I’m really glad I met you too.” Wendy then approached the older girl and gave her a tight hug. They have been giving each other a lot of warm hugs nowadays. It was always a heart-warming gesture. For this reason, Joohyun decided to nickname Wendy “Olaf” in her phone contacts as a reference to the warm-hugs-loving snowman. It seemed fitting.

“Have fun on your school trip tomorrow,” Joohyun said, breaking off the embrace and grabbing the blue umbrella. “Send me lots of pictures while you’re out there. I want to see how you guys are doing as well.”

“No problem, Unnie!”

“I’ll return the umbrella to you when you come back to work next week.”

“Sure, Unnie, you can return it anytime you want. Also, good luck on getting that autograph from IU. I’m sure Yeri will love it!”

And so out the door went Bae Joohyun with the blue umbrella in hand, waving her dear friend Wendy farewell underneath the rain,  _for the very last time_.

***

“Yo, Kang Seulgi!” Wendy greeted her bear twin when she got home from her part-time job. “Packing?”

“Yup!” Seulgi stuffed some jogging pants in her bag and pressed down on it to make room for more items. “You should get packing too. How’s Joohyun Unnie?”

Wendy opened her luggage bag and began to get ready for the trip as well. She yanked open her wardrobe doors and dug out clothes to wear on the trip. “Joohyun Unnie is doing well. Thank goodness she’s smiling a lot nowadays. She’s even planning on giving Yeri IU’s signed CD. Seriously, she’s so nice.”

“Wow, a signed CD? It must be great working for a radio station.” Seulgi folded a white sweater and placed it in her luggage. “It was heartbreaking seeing her cry that one night when I was with her. I’m glad she’s smiling again. She’s really pretty when she’s smiling, don’t you think? She smiled a lot in the pictures taken back on Children’s Day too. Sometimes I just think, I want to keep making her smile like that.”

As lovely as the photographs, she wanted to capture that precious smile and preserve it forever. Those two beautiful dark pearls, those sweet pink lips, and the equally wonderful soul behind them— _she deserved all the happiness in the world,_ Seulgi thought.

While they were packing and chatting like they usually did, they heard a knock on their open bedroom door. Looking up, they saw their friendly neighbor Park Soo-Young—her head peeking into the opening, snooping into people’s homes like it was totally her business. (Seulgi’s mother let her in.) She then pushed the door to open it wider. “Man, you guys are slow! I already finished packing yesterday!”

“Well, someone’s way too excited,” Wendy remarked, definitely not ever surprised that Soo-Young came in uninvited again.

The younger girl sat on one of the twin beds and began reading from the paper handout containing information about the trip. “It says in the schedule that we’ll set off in buses by grade and section to Incheon Port in the afternoon tomorrow, and from there we’ll leave the port at around 6:30 p.m. Estimated arrival at Jeju Island will be 8 a.m. the next day. Gosh, aren’t you guys excited?! We get to spend overnight in a ship! We get to see the vast ocean! I want to see dolphins!”

The two older girls just chuckled at her incessant optimism.

“Wouldn’t it be too dark to see anything in the ocean at night?” Wendy asked, teasing Soo-Young by impishly bringing in something negative.

“And don’t you think the dolphins will be sleeping at night?” Seulgi joined in. “Um… they do sleep, do they?”

“Ugh, you guys are such killjoys,” Soo-Young whined. “But if I see a dolphin, joke’s on you guys.”

 

Monday afternoon came and students all lined up by their class sections for the school trip. Since Soo-Young was a first year, she was separated from the two high school seniors when the teachers had begun sorting out the students to their assigned buses. Seulgi and Wendy stuck close to each other like they usually did, waiting for their turn to board the bus.

“It isn’t very clear today,” Seulgi said, looking up at the gray clouds covering the sun. “I hope it doesn’t rain when we get to Jeju. If the weather sucks, the trip won’t be as great.”

“Don’t worry, Seul. It’ll probably clear up soon,” Wendy assured her buddy, trying to be optimistic. “But even if it rains, let’s have a great time anyway!”

“I bet Soo-Young’s so excited she’s about to burst.” The bear giggled at the thought.

“Oh yeah, she’s probably raving right now,” Wendy agreed.

As they were talking to each other, two of the most popular girls in school walked past them to stand in line. Seulgi’s eyes followed the girls’ cold, sophisticated aura and gulped. The taller girl with short, curled hair (resembling a real-life version of Snow White) shot a disgusted glare at someone from the boys’ line. The shorter girl with the long brown hair and cold demeanor (much like a brown-haired Elsa) scoffed and went off her way pulling the taller girl along with her.

“Choi Sulli and Krystal Jung,” Wendy silently gasped. “Looking flawless as ever.”

_“Gosh, look at Krystal, her skin and hair are too perfect…”_

_“I heard she broke up with her boyfriend Jongin last week…”_

_“Didn’t Sulli just shoot an ad or something? I swear I saw her on TV…”_

_“The matching Louis Vuitton handbags must have cost a fortune…”_

Listening to everyone’s hushed gossip about the elegant child actress Choi Sulli and the ice-cold billionaire’s daughter Krystal Jung was an ordinary thing in their school. Their private high-school was highly-acclaimed and a lot of students were from well-to-do families. They also have an established international student community with a percentage of exchange students from other countries like Wendy. Sure, Seulgi, Wendy, and Soo-Young were no billionaires or heirs to corporations, but if their parents could afford to send them to this school, it certainly meant they were far from poverty.

When they all boarded the bus, Seulgi and Wendy sat together on one side of the aisle. In front of them were Krystal Jung and Choi Sulli, while behind them were some rowdy boys from their class. The other two seats beside them across the aisle was still empty.

“Oh, hey look, there’s Seulgi and Wendy!”

Soon there were the two other girls, headed to the two seats beside Seulgi’s across the narrow aisle. The kind bear waved a friendly hand at both of them. “Hi Nayeon! Hi Jisoo!”

Kim Nayeon, one of Seulgi and Wendy’s classmates, usually sat in front of Seulgi’s seat in school. She was known as one of the loudest and friendliest girls in their entire level—the girl with the loud laugh and cute, bunny-like front teeth. Sometimes, she acted like making friends with the entire school was her conquest. Even right now, she was wearing a conspicuously bright red lipstick that matched her even brighter personality.

On the other hand, the girl in all black with a pink headband following behind Kim Nayeon was Kim Jisoo, the happy-go-lucky weirdo who sat on Seulgi’s left side in their class. She has this very distinct low husky voice, and she was always playful with Seulgi in class. Whenever Seulgi and Jisoo were together, genius Wendy often cringed at the two’s nonsense interactions. It was like dumb meets dumber.

“You sit near the window,” Jisoo muttered in Nayeon’s ear. “I sit beside my Pikachu.” (She was referring to Seulgi. She liked calling Seulgi that because she swore Seulgi looked like Pikachu. This was another one of Seulgi’s nicknames—a sign that she was obviously adored by a lot of people.)

“Well, look here, the VIP section of the bus,” said one tall boy with an awkward lisp as he passed by Krystal’s and Sulli’s seats. “Excuse me, spoiled brats. Passing through.”

“Excuse me, Oh Sehun, who’re you calling spoiled brats?!” the tall teen actress stood from her seat. The boy paused, standing on the aisle between Seulgi and Jisoo.

“Why, you of course,” the boy said in a lifeless monotone while arrogantly running his fingers through his bleach-blonde hair before taking his seat behind Seulgi.

“Tch, he’s one to talk,” Krystal stood up to look back at him and scoffed, crossing her arms to her chest, making her aura even more intimidating that it already was. “And thanks for spreading that rumor that Jongin and I are no longer dating, because we never even dated in the first place!”

“Hey, I never spread rumors. It’s probably Byun Baekhyun from Class D. He talks a lot,” the boy named Oh Sehun tried defending himself. Clueless Seulgi and Jisoo looked back and forth from the cold girl to the cold boy.

“Whatever, you stupid boys are all the same to me!”

“Hey,” Wendy said, pulling the bear’s attention away from the loud crowd. “Joohyun Unnie says ‘Bon Voyage!’”

“Really?” Seulgi quickly pulled out her phone and looked through her unread messages. Suddenly the whole world became quiet as if her ears blocked all the drama and fuss the other students were making. In the chatroom, Soo-Young posted a bunch of stupid selfies with her first-year classmates. Below the pictures were comments from Yeri saying Soo-Young looked ugly in them. Yes, even in the chatroom she showed no mercy. Soo-Young then retorted about pulverizing her little cousin when she gets back… Finally, there were messages from Joohyun saying Soo-Young looked cute, and at the very bottom, the eldest sent “Bon Voyage!”

“Joohyun Unnie!  <3 <3 I miss u already <3 ” Seulgi typed in the chat box and pressed send.

“Let’s take a photo of us and send it to the chatroom,” Wendy suggested. And so, she held her phone up and snapped a few selfies with Seulgi Bear.

***

“Aw, Pooh and Olaf!” Joohyun giggled, browsing through Seulgi and Wendy’s selfies while riding the bus on the way to her internship.

“Have fun, and don’t forget to bring me tangerine snacks from Jeju!”

All evening, hardworking Joohyun did her duties well. She printed scripts and readied the set; she tested microphones and helped made sure the signals were transmitted without discrepancies during the show. The intern watched as the DJ and IU conversed through the show, thinking of ways to ask the star for an autograph later on. Since the young pop singer (younger than Joohyun) seemed quite down-to-Earth with a very sweet girl-next-door image, it might not even be a big deal to ask for her signature (because the other staff were also planning on doing it), but for Joohyun it was terribly nerve-wracking. She has met a few popular guests in the radio show before, but she still hasn’t gotten used to seeing all these stars in real life. It was still a very surreal experience every time.

While the show was airing and Joohyun had nothing much to do, she began reading the messages in the chatroom again to calm herself down.

 

** \- Unread Messages - **

6:00 p.m.

**Olaf:**  Park Soo-Young!! Where are you?

**Baby chick:**  I just got off the bus. Not allowed to wander around. Teacher says to stay in class groups.

(This was followed by a selfie of Soo-Young posing with the setting sun. Then Seulgi posted a bunch of beautifully taken shots of the dock with the serene ocean sunset as a backdrop.)

6:30 p.m.

**Squirtle Yerm:**  Nice pics. You guys in the boat yet? How is it?

**Seulgi Bear:**  No. We’re in the waiting area. They said the cruise was delayed due to fog.

7:05 p.m.

**Baby chick:**  Uuugggghhhhh asdfghjklsdkl I’M SO BORED. When are we going in??? We’re supposed to be in the ocean now!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ㅠㅠㅠㅠㅠㅠㅠ my baby dolphins are waiting for me!! ㅜㅜ

**Olaf:**  calm yo shizz Park Soo-Young. Go play with Rosé.

**Seulgi Bear:**  ㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋ 

(Seulgi also posted a selfie of her and Wendy eating cookies together while sitting on a bench in what seemed to be an enclosed boarding area.)

**Olaf:**  They’re still waiting for fog to clear

**Baby chick:** Hey!!! I want cookies too!!

**Olaf:**  too bad. ㅋㅋ

8:11 p.m.

**Olaf:** Ay-yo I think we’re boarding soon

**Baby chick:** it’s about time

***

“Man, that is really big.” Seulgi stood before the huge white vessel in awe while lined up for boarding. Although the dusk has settled and getting a full view of the vessel was difficult, the size could easily be estimated as that of a 6 or 7-storey building and the length of it most likely stretching farther than the ends of an official football (soccer) field. The bear had never been aboard such a vessel—leaving her awestruck with every single insignificant detail. She would look to Wendy and point to things, asking Wendy about them, but the school genius just got a little ticked off because she didn’t know the answers to most of the bear’s questions.

“You think the  _Titanic_  would have been this big?”

Wendy shook her head. “Nah, I don’t think so. The  _Titanic_  is probably much bigger than this.”

“You think we’ll even run into Soo-Young in this thing?”

“We probably will.” Wendy nodded as she held onto Seulgi’s arm while carefully climbing the flight of stairs into the entrance of the ferry. The cool night was getting chillier; the ocean wind was picking up. Other than the taps of footsteps on the metal ladder, they could both hear the gently rolling waters slapping against the walls of the ship. “I don’t know if we can visit other’s quarters, but we can probably meet at some other place. But even if we don’t see her, she can probably survive without us for a day or two.”

“ _Eun-ha-soo **[1]**_ ,” Seulgi said as she stared over at the stern with the liner’s name imprinted on it. “She’s got a pretty name.”

Seulgi and Wendy entered the passenger vessel, leading to the well-lit reception deck. Low mumblings and gasps of fascination accompanied the shuffling of passengers’ footsteps on varnished wooden floorboards. The main deck had a convenient information desk with a stack of informative pamphlets and travel-guide brochures. Wendy quickly snatched some flyers and went back in line with the other students. Some liner stewardesses were leading the teenagers to a hall passing by what seemed like an enclosed dining area or restaurant. Opposite the wide restaurant were stairs, and behind the stairs was another hall with a sign leading to the lounges, arcade, convenience store, gift shop, and even a karaoke room. They did not enter that diverging hall but were led straight to the flight of varnished wooden steps to the upper level.

_“We’re on a school trip, a very big cruise ship! Sailing, sailing to the sea!”_ Jisoo kept singing in a nursery-rhyme-like tune that she just made up. _“We’re on a school trip, a cool gigantic white ship! Sailing, sailing with you and me!”_ Soon, Seulgi-chu started softly singing along with her. Wendy held her hand to her forehead and laughed in secondhand embarrassment. She just could not deal with these weirdoes.

“Did you guys see that?!” Nayeon turned to Seulgi and Wendy behind her with an excited whisper. “There’s a karaoke room in the ship!”

“Oh gosh, Seulgi, we must try it out later!” As the school choir’s lead, Wendy Son will not miss this opportunity.

The level above the main deck housed most of the students’ designated cabins. Everyone began checking their tickets for their respective cabin numbers.

“We’re in the same room, right?” Seulgi asked Wendy.

“Yup. Cabin 2077.”

One narrow cabin for the girls’ section accommodated six students each, with two double decker beds on each side and one on the side of the window across the entrance. Seulgi and Wendy, along with four other girls—Nayeon, Jisoo, Krystal, and Sulli—were all assigned in the same room.

“Yay! We all get to be roommates!” Nayeon exclaimed.

“Let’s stay up all night and tell funny ghost stories,” Jisoo suggested with a breezy snicker. “The bloody ones with white ladies and—”

Krystal grimaced. “Uh, since when are bloody ghost stories funny?”

“What are they then? Don’t tell me you’re scared.” Then Jisoo began bobbing her head and singing,  _“Wimpy Krystal’s a whiny baby…”_ Then she stopped and covered her mouth. “Oh my gosh, I’m sorry. Please, don’t call your bodyguards on me for teasing you.”

Krystal just rolled her eyes. “I don’t have bodyguards.”

“But you and Sulli are totally rich though.”

“We’re normal human beings, gosh,” Sulli said as she climbed up her assigned bunk bed. “Trust me, if we were any better than you guys, we would have insisted on taking the first class cabins far away from you.”

“Ugh, it’s going to be a long night…,” Wendy mumbled, but the other girls did not hear her due to their excited babbles.

At around 9:00 p.m., there was an announcement from the intercom.  _“…_ Motor Vessel Eunhasoo _is now departing from Incheon Port…”_

***

_Dear Diary,_

_Today, I don't have English lessons with Wendy Unnie because she's on a school trip with Seulgi Unnie and Soo-Young Unnie and her other classmates. So instead of going to Ansan for a lesson, Saeron and I went to hang out again. Nowadays she keeps saying she'll miss me. It's really annoying. But yeah, I'll miss her too. We all know that. Why can't she just shut up about it?? Really, it hurts to have to think about the whole leaving thing all the time when I'M STILL HERE. Anyway, the unnies have been raving in the group chatroom about their stupid trip. At least THEY’RE having fun._

Yeri put down her pen on the table and closed her little journal. When she looked at the clock, it was almost 10:30 p.m.

_“That was great! Thanks for coming to the show, IU-ssi,”_ a radio DJ’s voice ringed clear through the brief interception of static.

_“Thank you. Thank you. It was a pleasure to be here.”_ Yeri has been listening to the radio show since it started. Joohyun had told her about the schedule for IU’s guest appearance so she can listen to it while it was on air.

_“We have one final song before saying goodbye, what is it? Can you please announce it for us, IU-ssi?”_

_“Ah, yes, our final song for tonight is a soothing ballad for everyone to fall asleep to… my version of Kim Hyunsik Sunbaenim’s A Midsummer Night’s Dream…”_

Yeri turned up the volume of the speaker as the warm melody of a piano started playing on the radio. She placed her pencils back in their case and slid her notebook back into her shelf. Leaning back on her desk chair, she grabbed her phone from the table and began checking her messages while listening to the song.

** \- Unread Messages - **

10:15 p.m.

**Unnie:** (Soo-Young) we’re looking for dolphins!

(The previous message was accompanied by a photo of Soo-Young, Seulgi, and Wendy posing together with an ambiguously dark backdrop.)

**Joohyun Unnie:** Did you guys finally leave the port?

**Bear Unnie:** Yup we just had dinner in the ship! Buffet was sooooooo good. We’re out looking at the ocean right now. It’s darkㅋㅋㅋ It’s cloudy, but there are a few stars.

**Joohyun Unnie:** Sounds fun ㅎㅎ Though I heard there will be rain tomorrow....

\---

Yeri put her phone back on the table and focused on the song again. The little lass yawned. She then got up from her chair and lay down on her bed. The lyrics were starting to catch her attention:

_“With the soft melody, my heart is like a child,  
Running toward the sea of blue memories…”_

With her eyes closed as she listened to the slow ballad, Yeri gave off a heavy sigh. She noticed she has been sighing more often nowadays. She could not help it. With every day passing, the day of her flight off to London was getting nearer and nearer.  _It’s already mid-May. Just less than 2 months left to go…_ What happens then? What’s in store for her? She has no idea. But she wasn’t concerned with that. The only thing that concerned her at this moment was that she had to say goodbye soon and who knows when she was coming back? She was leaving everyone she ever knew—everyone from her cherished childhood. Although it had always been her dream to go to faraway lands,  _who knew leaving Korea would suddenly be so hard?_

During times like this, she always thought about what Wendy told her back then,  _“Some good things in life are like a candy. When you put it in your mouth it’s sweet and it brings you happiness, but after a while, it melts away.”_

“She’s crazy,” Yeri scoffed. But deep down she knew there was some truth to it, and she just hated the thought. Whether she stayed or left, they were all bound to get separated anyway at some point, may it be in the near future on not.

_“It’s true that they do melt away, but they’ll always be inside you._   _You just don’t see them anymore, but they’re there.”_

“Tch...”  _Wendy Unnie has lost a sister and moved away from family which is probably why she’s so emo and dramatic,_ Yeri scoffed some more. She knew Wendy was just trying to make her feel a little better, but no. It sounded as if Wendy was trying to force her into accepting the fact that goodbyes and separations are a natural part of life, and she did not want to accept that.

The song continued:

_“...Those beautiful times deep in the night_  
_Have come to find me and dye my heart with colour;_  
_The never-ending summer night’s dream,_  
_I still remember_

_Though the morning shines brightly again,_  
_I won’t forget…”_

When the radio show was over, her phone buzzed. She immediately got up to check.

“Huh? Joohyun Unnie?”

“Hello Yeri ^^”Joohyun had sent the message on a separate chatroom with just the two of them. “When are you free? I have something nice for you.ㅋㅋ”

Yeri immediately replied.“What is it?”

“It’s a surprise ㅋㅋㅋㅋ”

“OK. Now I’m curious. Is it IU’s autograph?”

“O.O How did you know???”

Yeri laughed when she read the last message. She actually guessed it right. “ㅋㅋㅋjust a wild guess”

“You’re a clever girl, aren’t you? ㅎㅎㅎ I'm impressed”

“My gosh, this Unnie is in a whole different level!” Then Yeri giddily typed in her reply.

“Of course ;) I can meet you any day in the afternoon after school. If not, I can ask my dad to stop by at the bakery in the weekend. I want to see IU's autograph for myself asapㅋㅋㅋㅋ”

“I don’t have classes in the afternoon tomorrow. Where can we meet?”

“I can go to the bus stop near your university. It’s not far from my school.”

“Ok. I’ll see you then Yerimmie! Goodnight! :* ”

* * *

[1] 은하수 – The Milky Way Galaxy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Author's Note:
> 
> I didn’t use the name Sewol for one reason: I didn’t want to use her name and portray totally different facts, even though it’s just a fan fic. The sinking of Sewol Ferry is still a very controversial topic to this day, with plenty of conspiracy theories and false news to the point that it’s difficult to know the whole truth about the actual tragedy. I won’t delve into the conspiracies and political controversies (which I honestly don’t quite understand very well). This is just “loosely” based on the Sewol Tragedy, so I’ll only focus on how the tragedy affected actual people and will be leaving out or changing unnecessary details, including the date of the tragedy and the name of the ship.


	20. Twin Stars (쌍둥이자리)

#  **Chapter XVI**

 

**Twin Stars**

쌍둥이자리

(Gemini)

 

The ocean night air was cold—colder than the atmosphere within the city of fumes and surging electricity. Here it was pure and slightly salty—almost tasty. Looking far in the void horizon aroused feelings of uncertainty, yet with a hope that the shore would come with the rising sun. It was difficult to see anything under the light-less expanse; though every now and then the rippling waves would glisten like a magic spell—like glimpses of twinkling stars in the dark night sky. But tonight, stars were not visible, though their eyes start deceiving them with imaginary sparks in a canopy of black nothingness.

“The moon is behind all of that,” Wendy said to the other two, pointing up above them. A smoky light was faintly dispersed up in the sky. “It’s completely covered in clouds.”

“It would have been cool to see the ‘eunhasoo’(Milky Way) while in the _Eunhasoo_ ,” Seulgi chuckled. “Hey Wendy, if the sailors used to look at the stars for guidance in the ocean back then, what if the skies were cloudy? What do they do?”

“I don’t know, Seulgi. I’m not Wikipedia.”

Soo-Young looked down at the tossing waves and sighed. “I still haven’t seen a dolphin.”

“Try looking for them in the morning.” Seulgi rested her hand on the freshman’s shoulder. “We’ll probably see all sorts of other creatures when we get to Jeju.”

“I read in one of those flyers that they have really tasty seafood,” Wendy added. “And of course the special pork belly from Jeju black boar! I can’t wait to try!”

After all the passengers have checked-in and the ferry departed from the port, the triad was reunited once again during dinner at the main deck. Sure, it was fun being with classmates, but these three just preferred to stick close to each other like they usually did during their waking hours. It was difficult to separate their super-glue-like bond. They just had to take advantage of this freedom to spend time however they please before they all get organized into class sections again tomorrow.

“Let’s go wander around the ship. I don’t want to sleep yet.” Soo-Young grabbed the other two by the necks and tried pulling them out of the trance induced by the hypnotizing motion of the waves. The calming ocean view and steady rhythm of rushing water can take anyone captive, even in the dark night.

Heading back to the main deck, where all the entertainment facilities were located, the three of them explored all they could. The lounge, (connected to the terraces where they were staring at the ocean just a while ago) with comfy sofas and coffee tables, seemed like the ideal place for people to have light chats—some even playing card games and board games they brought along. And of course—free wi-fi. (Absolutely a necessity in this day and age.) There were non-student passengers relaxing in the lounges too: a couple playing with their child and older folks chatting over tea. Over in one corner of the lounge was a baby-grand piano, with a lady fluidly playing one of Chopin’s dreamy nocturnes _._

“Is that our music teacher Ms. Seo?” Seulgi asked referring to the pianist. The piano lady’s back was turned against them.

“She is so talented,” Wendy mumbled in awe as she watched the music teacher gracefully tickle the black and white keys in an effortless tremolo.

“Hey, let’s go to the shops!” Soo-Young said, taking the unnies’ attention away from the soothing music. Near the lounge was a convenience store and a gift shop right next to each other. There, the triad spent some time looking over items and little trinkets before moving on to the next rooms. Seulgi also bought herself a can of Pringles from the convenient store.

“Oh, hey, it’s the arcade! An arcade inside a ship!” Seulgi said with sparkly eyes as if it was the most amazing thing she had ever seen. She had always liked playing games in arcades with her brother back then. Although they always end up in a heated squabble over the winner, it was still fun. (And the amount of cash thrown for the sake of entertainment was totally worth every coin.) Without even giving it a second thought, she went ahead of the others into the arcade area. Wendy and Soo-Young just followed her.

“Now I can say I’ve played games in the middle of the sea! I’ll boast to my stupid brother about this!”

“Gosh, Seulgi Unnie, you’re such a kid,” Soo-Young laughed. “It looks just like any other old school arcade in downtown Ansan though.”

“It’s still cool. It’s inside a ship! Maybe I should try the dance machine first, or one of the motor bike ones!” This was happy-go-lucky Seulgi in her natural habitat.

The arcade housed an assortment of cheap entertainment. There were fighting games like _Tekken_ , racing games, old school space invaders, pinball, and _Tetris_ … you name it. While Seulgi was looking around flashing lights and blaring sound effects for a game she might want to play, Soo-Young suddenly pulled her and Wendy back out in a panicked reflex.

“Hey, what’s up with that?” Seulgi retorted. “I was just about to—”

“Shush!”

Wendy looked back to the flashy room—to the arcade basketball machine—and immediately understood. She then glanced back at Soo-Young with an all-knowing smirk and clicked her tongue. “Ah… Code red, it’s the basketball guy.”

“Oh.” Seulgi stood there, staring blankly at the young man shooting hoops in the machine. Then she turned to Soo-Young and asked, “You mean Yook Sungjae?”

“Shut up. Let’s get out of here.”

As Soo-Young dragged the two of them to the karaoke room, Seulgi asked, “I thought you said you didn’t like him anymore.”

“He confessed to me the other day after gym class. Now I am very confused. I don’t want to face him.”

“Tch… young love…,” Wendy sarcastically sneered. “It’s _so_ complicated. Though if it happened _the other day_ , why am I hearing about it only _today_? You’re flirty little devil, you should tell us these things immediately.”

“There’s nothing between us! I had more flirty moments with this stupid bear than that guy!” Soo-Young pointed to the other high school senior.

Seulgi suddenly snapped back to her senses upon hearing her name. “Who? Me? What moments?”

“Tch, yeah right,” Wendy chaffed. “We all know he was your first crush.”

“Anyway! Moving on!” Soo-Young yanked them farther down the hall.

When they passed by the karaoke room, they could hear yells and off-tune voices accompanied by the midi instrumental background of “Into the New World”[1] by Girls’ Generation. Wendy gritted her teeth and her brows at the dissonance, absolutely disturbed by the breaking voices during the part with the high note. Suddenly Jisoo’s ridiculous nursery-rhyme-like “original compositions” sound like Mozart compared to… _whatever this was..._ Seulgi on the other hand, started humming along to the tune, totally unfazed by the noise.

“Well, looks like the karaoke room is in use,” Soo-Young concluded. “Do you guys want to just stay at the lounge?”

 _“…I love you, with this feeling, just as it is,”_ Seulgi softly sang the chorus of that last Girls’ Generation song that got stuck in her head while heading back to the lounge. _“The end of the wandering I so longed for… Goodbye to the recurring sadness in this world…”_

“Man, Seulgi Unnie and Wendy Unnie, if we got in that karaoke room, we would have done major slaying.” Soo-Young pouted and swung her arm around the bear’s shoulder. “Wendy Unnie would have reached that high note in ‘Into the New World.’”

Back at the lounge, a different student has taken a seat on the baby grand, playing Yiruma’s popular piece, _River Flows in You._ She seemed to be just enjoying her time on it, rather than taking it seriously, for she made a few mistakes. Despite a few missed notes, the emotion in her music definitely flowed well.

“Rosé!” Soo-Young exclaimed all of a sudden. With her two _unnies_ in tow, she went over to the piano.

The pianist stopped playing and looked up at her. It was Roseanne Park—Rosé for short—the musically talented Australian classmate of Park Soo-Young—her closest friend in their entire level. They also share a cabin for the ferry ride.

“I see you found your unnies,” Rosé said to Soo-Young. Then she stood up and greeted the other two. “Hello Seulgi Unnie and Wendy Unnie.”

“You’re really talented on that piano,” Wendy complimented her.

“Thank you, I’ve been getting some compliments while I’m here, even though I’m not as great as our music teacher,” The girl then sat back down on the piano bench. Then she pointed to the older folks sipping tea and chatting on one table. “See those grandmas and grandpas? They even gave me pocket money.” Then she slyly pulled out a fifty-thousand won bill[2] from her purple sweater’s sleeve to show the other girls.

“Whoa…” Their jaws dropped. “That is amazing.”

“Well, whaddya know? It does pay to have talent,” Soo-Young said, raising her eyebrows up and down, with that smug look of pride on her face. “Keep up the good job, buddy.” Then she turned to Seulgi and Wendy and said, “Maybe one of you should start singing and dancing while you’re here. These old folks love blowing money on quality entertainment. Start earning for your future college fees.”

“Whatever, Park Soo-Young,” Wendy rolled her eyes. Then in all seriousness, she said to Rosé, “But really, Rosé, good job. Just keep playing.”

For a while, the three of them just sat there in the lounge, conversing about random topics and listening to Rosé play piano. At some point, Wendy brought up the “basketball guy” again to embarrass Soo-Young and the topic naturally transitioned to boys in general. They just ended up talking about how annoying boys were and blah, blah, blah… As they were gossiping about boys, five high school senior dudes entered the spacious lounge and settled themselves on the cushioned seats.

“Oh hey, isn’t that guy Kim Jongin Sunbaenim?” Soo-Young whispered, referring to the sporty looking guy wearing all black Adidas sweats. “I heard he broke up with Krystal Sunbaenim from your class. Isn’t she, like, rich? That’s a real idiotic move—breaking up with the beautiful rich girl.”

“Krystal said they were never together in the first place,” Seulgi told Soo-Young.

 _“…Hey stop worrying, Kyungsoo!”_ said the more feminine guy among the five, talking to the other boy with big, round eyes and a grim poker face. His voice was loud enough for the three girls to hear.

“You see that girly dude with the loud voice?” Wendy subtly pointed. “He’s Byun Baekhyun. He goes to choir with me. He’s the one who spread the rumours.”

 _“Lighten up! We’ll all be fine. Stop being so emo and smile a little. Your paranoia gives me the creeps,”_ the bloke named Byun Baekhyun went on. _“If you’re going to scare us, at least put some theatrical effort into it, gosh. Turn off the lights, put on some suspenseful music, and a bit of splashing effects. It’s more entertaining that way. Or better yet, sing the ‘Titanic song.’”_

The other boys laughed and joked around, but then the one they referred to as “Kyungsoo” suddenly stood up from his seat in outrage. _“I’m not trying to scare anyone! If you don’t want to trust my intuition, fine!”_ Then he muttered what seemed like cuss words just left looking so angry and frustrated.

“What’s their deal?” Soo-Young wondered. Then she glanced to Seulgi, who seemed to be spacing out in the boys’ direction as well. Something seemed… off.

“Who cares?” Wendy shrugged and indifferently rolled her eyes again.

Later past 1 a.m., they had gone to their respective cabins. Seulgi was on the top bunk, and Wendy was on the bottom bunk. Their classmate Jisoo was on the bottom bunk opposite Wendy. Nayeon and Sulli was still out somewhere while Krystal was already sleeping. While they were each silently minding their own business, trying to ignore the low buzz of the motor vessel and the subtle rocking motion of the ferry, Jisoo suddenly spoke up in the dimly lit room, surprising the other two out of their wits. (Krystal continued sleeping soundly.)

“Did you guys hear the rumours?!”

Wendy lost grip of her smartphone due to shock, causing it to crash painfully on the bridge of her nose. “Ow…”

“What rumours?” Seulgi peeked down from above.

“It’s about Do Kyungsoo from Class D,” Jisoo began speaking as if it was going to be the most exciting piece of exclusive information.

“What about him?”

“I overheard him at the arcade earlier. He said he did not want to come to the trip because he got this crazy hunch that something terrible will happen, but his mother forced him to go on this trip anyway. It’s like premonition or something. And he feels so convinced by it too. Spooky, huh? Now he’s all torn and whining to all his rowdy friends.” Jisoo said it so light-heartedly, like it was some nonsensical clown joke.

“Yeah, so what if he’s got some weird hunch? Do you really believe that?” Wendy totally expressed her apathy towards the boys’ drama, but Seulgi did not show any outward reaction and just silently looked back to Jisoo.

“Just saying,” Jisoo shrugged and pulled the provided quilt blanket over her chest. “You never know. Maybe we should be watching out for bloody ghosts or something.” Their odd friend snickered in her corner and pulled the curtain of her bunk bed to seclude herself. “Anyway, I’m sleepy. Sleep tight, guys. Don’t let the baby sharks bite. Du, du, du, du, du…”

Seulgi rolled back to face the low ceiling. _That hunch can’t be true… can it?_

The night quickly passed, with Seulgi and Wendy sleeping so peacefully in the gently rocking boat. When the outside world was once bright again, they got up early for breakfast in the ship. By 8 a.m., the two of them were back at the wide dining area, placing servings of rice, side-dishes and soup on their trays before searching for a table. The ship was supposed to dock at Jeju Island by 8 a.m. in the original schedule, but since the voyage was delayed by 3 hours last night, they were still at sea in the _Eunhasoo_.

“Good morning, kids! You both look very pretty today,” greeted the kind music teacher they saw playing the piano last night.

“Good morning, Ms. Seo!” Seulgi and Wendy bowed as they passed through tables meeting the teacher halfway.

“Eat lots! We have a long day ahead!” the teacher said as she lightly patted their shoulders. Then the teacher left the girls to grab some food at the buffet table.

“She’s so nice,” Wendy said with a flattered grin. Then she said in a softer volume, “Some teachers are just annoying, but she’s like an angel. It’s like she has this halo that I can’t explain.”

Seulgi looked back at the young music teacher before placing her tray on a table. “Her name is Joohyun too. Like Bae Joohyun Unnie.” Nowadays, Seulgi has this amazing ability to connect everything and anything to Joohyun. Some may call it obsession, but Seulgi thinks of it as… thoughtfulness? Caring? She couldn’t help it. She likes her a lot.

“That reminds me,” Wendy said, pulling on a chair and sitting on it. “Joohyun Unnie probably got IU’s autograph last night.”

“Oh, for her gift to Yeri? Yeri’s going to flip when she receives that gift,” Seulgi chuckled, imagining Yeri’s eyes dilate and all the squealing noises the kid could make. _Yup, that’s totally going to happen._

Suddenly, someone else slammed a tray on their table. It was Soo-Young. “There you are, you guys! I’ve been looking everywhere! And why aren’t you looking at your messages?!”

Wendy began touching her pockets. “I think I left my phone in our cabin.”

Seulgi looked at her phone. She kept pressing on the power button but the screen stayed black. “I’m out of batteries,” she chuckled in embarrassment. “I better charge this later.”

“Ugh,” Soo-Young rolled her eyes. “Idiots…”

Immediately after breakfast, the triad decided to stop by the karaoke room again. This time, they quickly finished their meal to make sure nobody would be at the karaoke room, so that they can enjoy it all to themselves. Although their teachers advised that they head back to their cabins to prepare for their nearing arrival on Jeju Island, these three just _had_ to try out the on-board karaoke even for just a few songs. Singing karaoke in a ferry is an experience that doesn’t come too often in life.

 

But then…

“I should probably grab my phone,” Wendy told them as they exited the dining area and walked past the stairs. “You guys go on ahead. I’ll just quickly grab my phone.”

Seulgi grabbed Wendy’s sleeve just before she could run up the stairs. “Hey, since you’re going up, can you take my phone with you and recharge it? My charger is in the front pocket of my backpack.”

“Sure.”

They were in luck. The karaoke room was empty this time. In that dark room with dim strobe lights was a big flashy screen operated by a machine right below it. On the right side was a compartment holding two microphones. On the left side was a shelf containing two thick book of songs and two tambourines with handles that light up when shaken.

“Hm… how does this work?” Soo-Young stared at the screen with the karaoke control board in hand.

“It says you have to insert a one-thousand-won bill over here, and it will let you queue four songs.” Seulgi pointed to the sign on the wall.

“Good thing I have pocket money.” Soo-Young took a wallet out of her small body bag, pulled out a bill, and inserted it into the machine’s slot.

Seulgi took the karaoke controls from Soo-Young and began pressing buttons to queue her song.

_…and queue._

Before her finger hit the “queue” button, a very loud, very ominous, metallic screech resounded throughout the entire ship. With a sudden earthquake-like motion, everything slightly tilted to the side. The two girls fell back on the seats in the karaoke room. The jarring sound and abrupt movement came with no warning.

“What was that?” Soo-Young looked to Seulgi with worried eyes. The innocent bear shook her head, not sure what just happened either.

Before they could process anything, there was a sudden announcement from the intercom. _“Attention passengers. Attention passengers. Please stay where you are, and do not move.”_

“What’s going on?” Soo-Young asked.

Seulgi was silent. She looked around the room and down on the floorboards. It wasn’t obvious at first, but the walls were slightly angled on one side. She put her arm around the younger girl and began patting her back. Despite her silence, one thing started replaying in her head:

 _“…he got this crazy hunch that something terrible will happen…_ _It’s like premonition or something… Spooky, huh?”_

***

“What the… What just happened?” Wendy held onto the frames supporting the bunk bed and glanced toward Nayeon and Jisoo, who were just chilling in the room when they, too, felt the sudden jerky movement that swayed the entire room.

“Spooky,” Jisoo mumbled. “Maybe this is what Do Kyungsoo was moaning about last night.”

Krystal lazily walked into their cabin with Sulli, asking, “What’s the deal? Did you guys feel that earlier? We were just brushing our teeth and then—”

The intercom repeated: _“Attention passengers. Please stay where you are, and do not move. Moving is more dangerous.”_

Nayeon, who was sitting on the top bunk above Jisoo slightly tilted her head to the side and then to the other before furling her brows. “Is it just me, or is everything a bit angled? I’m looking at the ceiling and it’s kinda… slanted over to this side…” She pointed to Krystal and Sulli’s bunk bed.

Wendy looked up and around the place. It was true. The room—or the ship—was leaning over on one side—the side of the wall toward their only window, right by Sulli’s top bunk.

_“Attention passengers. I repeat: do not move and stay where you are.”_

Wendy went into her bed space and tried looking for her phone underneath the sheets. It was under her pillow. After sliding her phone into her pocket, she climbed up to Seulgi’s bed to look for her charger. Up on Seulgi’s bed, she tried contacting Soo-Young. The signal wasn’t very clear, but she made the choppy call anyway. “I’m in our cabin. Announcement says moving isn’t allowed.”

_“Then just stay there. We’ll stay here in the karaoke room.”_

 

20 minutes of waiting and doing nothing passed, but the tilt did not return to normal. Instead it was becoming more evident—with the angle of the slant slowly, yet gradually getting worse. By then, everything was angled more than 45 degrees—like some sick, twisted nightmare.

“Maybe we shouldn’t stay here,” Soo-Young finally told Seulgi. As much as the captain emphasized staying put in the intercom, her fear and instincts said otherwise. Soo-Young, who they previously branded as “a total chicken” at the amusement park a week ago, could not hide her slowly creeping anxiety. She had seen the _Titanic_ movie before, and she suddenly remembered very clearly that an unexpected crash on some iceberg sunk the ship, leaving a terrible tragedy. As interesting as that movie was, she sure as hell would rather not star in a real-life version of it. And besides, if something terrible did happen, being in a dark, secluded karaoke room in the deeper area of the ship did not seem very safe. “Let’s go to the lounge.”

Seulgi silently nodded and firmly held hands with her friend.

“Ugh, why is this happening?” Soo-Young grumbled while tottering down the slanted hall, tightly holding onto her bear _unnie_ ’s steady arm. “That karaoke machine ate my money and we haven’t even sung a single song!”

“Start hoping it’s just a slight imbalance,” Seulgi said in a deadpan tone. Deep down her heart was accelerating on overdrive. It was surprising that she even kept it together even after remembering that rumour about Kyungsoo. Maybe it was because she was with Soo-Young that her sanity didn’t completely leave her yet. “This better not sink.”

“Thank goodness I have you. You can be my ‘Jack.’” Soo-Young tried quoting movie references to ease her growing anxiety. Seulgi stayed quiet and just ignored her. She could joke around like that too, but right now, it just didn’t seem like the right time.

“Hey, what are you kids doing here?” said one stewardess who spotted them trying to walk on the angled hall. The adult quickly called them over. The kind lady held both of them steady while heading down the hall. “The ship is listing. It’s very dangerous.”

“Is it going to sink?” Soo-Young asked, obviously fearing the whole situation.

The stewardess sweetly smiled, trying to hide the apparent worry in her own eyes. They were trained for such situations, and making sure passengers do not panic was one of their duties. “Don’t worry; we’ll be fine, darling.”

Then she led them to the area of the lounge near the terrace. Other passengers were here as well, sitting against the wall to keep themselves balanced. “Stay here until I say otherwise, okay?” The lady then took off her heels and quickly ran out barefoot. Minutes later, she came back with another student. It seemed she and a few other crew members were leading all nearby passengers there because the lounge was connected to a possible emergency exit that led to the terraces where evacuation was possible. They also began passing life-jackets to as many passengers as they could.

 _“Attention, the ship is listing to port. Please stay calm, do not move from your places, and please wear a life vest,”_ the intercom repeated. _“I repeat: do not move from your places.”_

“The ship is ‘listing to port?’ What the heck does that mean? The ship is sinking?” Soo-Young thought out loud. Other people in the lounge were starting a commotion. Anxious voices and unanswered questions here and there; nervous laughs and inappropriate jokes all over the place.

_“Is the ship really sinking…?”_

_“What the heck happened? Why is this happening?”_

_“Hey, what if it turns out like the Titanic? Damn…_ My heart will go on _…_ and on... _ha-ha…”_

_“What are those sounds?! Did you guys hear that?”_

_“They say maritime rescuers are coming on helicopters...”_

_“How will all four-hundred-plus people be rescued? On helicopters?”_

_“Dude, what if I get to be the unlucky one who dies in this?”_

_“Stop it, man. We’ll be rescued. Let’s trust them.”_

Then one of the stewardesses came with a speaker phone: _“Attention everyone! Yes, the ferry is sinking, but do not panic! The maritime police have been contacted and will be coming to the rescue. Please stay calm, wear life vests, and help give out life vests to those who still do not have one!”_

“Soo-Young!” someone’s familiar voice called out from across the room. When she turned around, she saw her friend Rosé.

“Rosé! You’re okay! My gosh, I am so scared.”

Rosé gave her classmate a hug. “We’ll be okay.”

As Seulgi watched the utter confusion unfold with this encroaching sense of foreboding in the entire ship, she suddenly looked toward the entrance of the lounge leading to the hall. Then back to Soo-Young and Rosé, she said with a fire of determination in her eyes. “Give me your phone.”

“What are you doing?”

Seulgi looked for Wendy in Soo-Young’s contacts and began calling her. However, the line was oddly busy. The phone signal wasn’t very strong out here in the sea, and the wi-fi for the lounge area was overloaded with users trying to contact the emergency numbers and their family and friends, slowing the connection down. Despite that, she tried to send a message. _“Wendy are you okay?”_ An answer did not come right away, so she just handed the phone back to Soo-Young and commanded her to watch for a reply. With every long dreadful minute passing, it felt like their lives were losing time. _Come on, Wendy, show us a sign that you’re alright. Please._

When Seulgi could not take waiting for Wendy’s reply anymore, she stood up. “I’m going to find Wendy. You guys should stay here, obey the crew, and wait for the rescue. If they order you to evacuate, head on out first so you can be safe.”

“What? Are you crazy?!” Soo-Young tried to stop her. “Unnie, they said not to move!”

Seulgi pulled away from Soo-Young’s grip and quickly ran out. If the ferry has been tilted to the side, there was a 50-50 percent chance that Wendy was on the side that would dip in the water first. She wasn’t sure which side their cabin was on and what the words “port” and “starboard” meant, but she remembered that their cabin was far from any emergency exit. After Wendy told her about her sister’s death, she promised herself to take better care of Wendy. Even Joohyun told her to take care of Wendy. She swore her life to take care of her best friend. She could not just be separated from her best friend like this. She needed to know her best friend was safe, not even thinking of how reckless she was being at the moment. Just like the night she thought Joohyun was about to kill herself, she obeyed her with her illogical heart with no question for the sake of not losing her friend.

“Hey, young lady, where are you going?!” called out the stewardess who noticed her run past the hall and toward the stairs. Seulgi ignored her, however, and continued climbing the steps despite the worsening list.

When she got to the upper floor, she found a lot of teachers and students passing around life vests to the halls. There were also other students climbing out of the cabins that were situated on the side of the ship that was slowly getting submerged. That was when she realized—the cabin where she and Wendy was assigned to was on the lower end of the tilted ship.  _Oh no, Wendy..._

“Seulgi! Come over here!” called out a familiar girl from the hall directly aligned with the stairs. As far as she knew, the boys were assigned in that hall, but some girls were also entering that area and leaning against the walls to steady themselves as the listing worsened. There she saw the popular child-actress Choi Sulli, waving at her. Beside her was Krystal Jung crouching down the floor, and farther into the hall was none other than her best friend Wendy.

Grabbing some railings and leaping fast enough not to slide, she ventured into the hall with girls on standby and open quarters with boys on their bunk beds. Sulli reached for her hand and steadied her. Other than the cling and clatter of panicked passing and wearing of life vests, the intercom continued the incessant announcements to stay put while the students cried and blathered in ridicule and dread of the worsening situation.

“Seulgi!” Jisoo and Nayeon greeted, sitting side by side in the hallway.

“What happened? How’d you get here? Where’s Soo-Young? I’m trying to call your mom, but the signal is really bad and the wi-fi has stopped working,” Wendy said with her phone pressed to her ear. “It’s not connecting.”

“Yeah, I know. Soo-Young is alright. She’s in a safe place. I tried contacting you through Soo-Young’s phone but you weren’t answering. I came to find you. Why are you guys here in the halls?”

“Our cabins are getting submerged. There is no water rushing in that area yet, but they say it will be more difficult to get out of that area if the ship continues to tilt. So, the teachers helped us climb up here to the boys’ hall. There are still other people in that area though. It’s not easy to get out because the slant is getting steeper.”

 _“Please do not move. Stay where you are and do not move,”_ the intercom repeated like a broken record.

“They say the maritime rescuers are coming. We’ll be out of here soon,” Seulgi told Wendy and the others.

“Thank goodness!” Krystal exclaimed. “I can’t wait to be out of this terrible ship! I can’t die in here; I’m still meeting my sister in California in the summer! And my father will not be happy about this if this sinks!”

“We’ll be okay,” Seulgi assured her, though she was scared too.

“Seul, you’re not wearing a jacket,” Nayeon pointed out, referring to the bear’s missing life vest.

So then, Wendy climbed into one of the boy’s cabins and asked, “Do you guys have extra life jackets?”

Oh Sehun, that previously aloof dude, immediately handed out the extra life vest underneath his bed. “It’s the last one in this room.”

Seulgi wore her life vest and stayed there, waiting for the rescue along with the others. Although she would very much rather head back to the lounge where Soo-Young was, it was too difficult to actually get anywhere with the angle of the tilt being more than 60 degrees at this point. They no longer had a choice but to obey the unchanging commands to remain stationary. However, minutes turned to an hour. They were still waiting and the dimensions of the ship had become nothing short of absurd. Which was right-side up or upside-down? Nothing made any sense anymore. It was like being in a really slow version of the Viking or the roller coaster that went in an upside-down loop at the amusement park.

 _“What in Neptune’s stupid ass is taking so long?!”_ Krystal began to complain in English. _“The ceiling is literally turning into a wall, and this wall is almost literally becoming the floor, but they’re not coming to rescue us yet?”_

“Let’s just wait a little longer,” Sulli said to Krystal in Korean.

 _“Can someone please save us already?!”_ said a very loud throaty yell coming from one of the boys’ cabins. _“Are they just going to leave us here to die?! I have dreams and a big future ahead! I’m not going to stand for this shit!”_

 _“Hey Byun Baekhyun, stop being so loud! You’re only making it worse!”_ yelled back another guy from a different cabin.

_“You expect me to just keep quiet when I’m about to die here?!”_

_“Maybe it is better if you do die, so you can finally stop being such a fucking loud mouth and stop spreading stupid rumours!”_

“Byun Baekhyun and Kim Jongin, can you both just shut the hell up?!” Krystal interjected with her shrill, piercing voice. “This is not a joke!”

_“Well I wish it was just a stupid joke! I don’t want to die!”_

In the midst of this terrible discord, Wendy could not help but be worried. What if… What if they really don’t make it out of this?

_My parents—they already lost a daughter. They can’t lose me too. I still have to teach Yeri English and spend time with her before she leaves. We had plenty of great plans for her too, like slumber parties and stuff. I still have a job at the bakery this weekend. Chef Taeyeon is going to teach me to make a black forest cake... We’ll make it out, won’t we?_

“Seulgi, they’re really coming to rescue us, won’t they?” Wendy asked, with a hint of uncertainty in her voice.

Seulgi’s gaze was unsteady. The doubts flooding her thoughts were difficult to fight. She was scared too, but that was what the crew had said earlier. She wanted to trust that everything will work out in the end, and they could meet Soo-Young outside when this whole nightmare was over. They would all go home afterward and forget this ever happened. Then they would greet their parents and have a good dinner, and then talk to Joohyun and Yeri about how they conquered it all in the end. They would continue hanging out until Yeri leaves in the summer; and she would spend a lot of time with Joohyun, because she promised to be her friend and always be there for her. Wendy would continue baking delicious goods; Soo-Young would continue lazily lounging on the couch watching TV; and she would continue striving for a decent future where she gets into a decent university. By then, her brother would be back from the military, and she can boast to him about surviving something more frightful than anything he might have experienced in the military. Maybe in between all of that, she can visit Joohyun’s hometown in Daegu too, where there would be no dark, treacherous waters that could swallow them up. They would all be back to normal. _They would all be happy._

Jisoo, who was sitting beside Seulgi, said in a positive note, “Cheer up, guys. The helicopters will fly down and come to rescue us! It’ll be like running off with Superman!”

_If only… if only that was true._

“Guys, look over here,” Nayeon called out, holding her phone camera in their direction. "Mom, I don't know if you’ll ever see this video, but...”

Krystal leaned forward to check out what was going on. Then she furled her eyebrows as if she just spotted the biggest nuisance in this ship. _“Is she seriously taking a video right now?”_

Suddenly, another loud screeching roar resonated through the halls. Everyone started stirring.

“Wh-what was that…?” Wendy muttered, looking up at the wall that was slowly turning into a ceiling.

 _“What the bloody hell was that shit?! Get me out of here!”_ Byun Baekhyun yelled some more.

 _“Byun Baekhyun, stop yelling and just shut the fuck up!”_ Kim Jongin from the other open cabin yelled back.

“Eh…” Jisoo tried laughing off the monstrous sound they just heard, but even her hidden fear was slipping out through her shaky voice and trembling hand. “That’s probably Superman… right? Ha… ha…”

 _“No, I have every right to complain about this shitty school trip!”_ Baekhyun continued. _“You all call this premium ferry service? I did not come to this hell of a trip to be treated this way! My parents don’t pay tuition fees for this crap!”_

In the thick of all this restless ranting, Seulgi chuckled softly, clutching Wendy’s arm tighter, her eyes welling up with tears. She tried to fight, the waterworks, convincing herself that they will definitely get rescued and that she had no reason to worry. However, at this point, when everyone was slowly losing their sanity one by one, she too, in all her bubbly innocence and positivity, was going through a difficult battle of wits. All the things she held dear and all the dreams she dreamed in the short life she had the privilege of living—the thought of slipping away and letting them go was unexpectedly very difficult.

 _How could some people just think of ending it all? Why do some people want to die?_ she thought with a heavy heart, not comprehending the answer. Because she knew for sure, _she didn’t want to die._ No matter how messed up life can be sometimes, and no matter how difficult it was to keep living, _she would rather not die. Not like this._ There was so much more to life; so much more to explore and learn. So many more friends to meet. So many more places to see. So many more experiences to try.

“Wendy, do… do you remember that day?” Seulgi suddenly spoke up.

“W-what day?”

“The day when you and I first met. I really wanted us to be best friends.” And it was true. She truly wanted to be Wendy’s friend. And Soo-Young’s friend. And Yeri’s friend. And Joohyun’s friend. She figured that if she could have even just a handful of cherished good friends, she’d stay happy and she’d keep them happy. She wasn’t the brightest and was oftentimes an awkward goofball, but she knew she can be a good friend to the few people she truly cared about.

“What are you suddenly bringing that up for?”

“I’m really glad you’re here with me. We always stuck together through thick or thin. I’m glad you’re my best friend.”

Although Wendy has been fighting it for a while, the fear, the dread—the feeling of a near ending—was slowly encroaching as the seconds passed into minutes, into long excruciating hours. This horrific nightmare was getting worse as gravity twisted their perception of reality upside-down. Lights from what used to be the ceiling flickered on and off, until they slowly blacked out one by one. Wails from frightened souls were getting louder and louder, as the invisible hand of darkness was slowly clawing away and squashing the last bit of light in them. The agonizing pain could not have been more tangible. It was the longest wait she had ever experienced in her life.

The murmurs, the cries, the screams... they all had this similar theme:

_“Are they really coming to rescue us?”_

_“We’re doomed!”_

_“Mom, I never got to tell you I loved you… Dad, I’m so sorry, but I love you too…”_

_“If I die here, I won’t get to say goodbye to my little sister, to my little brother, or to my grandma. I won’t go to heaven earlier than Grandma, won’t I?”_

_“It smells terrible in here… And why are the walls damp? Where is this water coming from?”_

_“Are we really supposed to just stay here?”_

_“Where are the rescue teams? How long are they going to make us wait?”_

_“I knew it! I just knew it! I did not even want to be in this stupid trip in the first place!”_

_“I still have dreams! Save me! Let me out!”_

_“Our Father Who art in heaven, hallowed by Thy name, Thy kingdom come, Thy will be done…”_

_“Shut up! All of you shut the fuck up! Just shut the hell up, you bloody morons!”_

_“I don’t want to die... I don’t want to die... I don’t want to die…”_

_…_

_…_

All the noise—the screams and cries of terror and clamoring for the last bit of hope—all of it—vanished in an instant at the shaky whisper of the one whose gentle countenance provided the last bit of dim light in this enclosure of darkness.

“Wendy,” Seulgi whispered. She held her friend’s hand tighter—tighter than the day they rode the rollercoaster together—tighter than she had ever done for anyone in her life. “We’ll stay together like we always do, okay? We won’t lose each other, won’t we?”

Wendy closed her eyes and all the accumulated tears fell straight down her cheeks. Whatever Seulgi was trying to say, she did not bother to understand. It was true that she could usually read the bear’s brain right off the bat, but this time, she just nodded and leaned her head on the bear’s shoulder. In this horrible situation, they held each other close, promising not to let go.

“Of course, Seulgi. We’re best friends, aren’t we? We won’t lose each other.”

In that final moment, before the last flickering light finally burned out, a soft voice among the outcries lulled them both to sleep…

 _“…Always and forever, we’ll stay together_  
_Into the new world…”_

*

*

*

 _It’s sad. My dad, my mom, my stupid brother…_  
_And Soo-Young—I wonder where she is? I hope she made it out safe and sound._  
_Little Yeri… and Joohyun Unnie… all these people that I truly love…_  
_I never got to say goodbye to any of them._

 

* * *

[1] 다시 만난 세계 – 소녀시대

[2] 5만원 – The largest paper currency in South Korea

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Author's Note:
> 
> Let me bring back the concept of “the candy and the candy wrapper” once again: You never know what’s inside. Everyone has “hidden stories.”
> 
> All those kids in the real Sewol tragedy once had real lives. And they were the protagonist of their own stories until this incident abruptly ended all of it. The reason I spent all these long chapters developing these characters is because I wanted you all to get to know them as ordinary kids with hopes, dreams, friends, loved ones, and good and bad experiences, etc., so that you all will come to remember those kids as human beings with actual lives—not just as nameless, faceless victims of another terrible tragedy. In a way, I wanted to “unwrap” a bit of the tragedy for you guys to understand how truly heart-breaking it is up-close without sounding like a news reporter or worse... a History Channel documentary.
> 
> \----------------------  
> Some Facts:
> 
> The students who were in the actual Sewol Tragedy were mostly 2nd year high school students. In this story, I put an entire private high school in the Eunhasoo.
> 
> Do Kyungsoo(EXO D.O)'s character is based on one of the actual students aboard the Sewol Ferry. He did not make it out alive either.
> 
> And yes, there was actually a karaoke room in the Sewol Ferry. Not sure if there was an arcade though. Probably none. Idk.
> 
> Also, here's a video taken by one of the students in the ferry in case you want to see how the chaos inside really looked like: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MkyFbcnIQV4
> 
> Please remember the victims of Sewol and pray for those who lost their loved ones in the tragedy. ㅠㅠ


	21. News (소식)

#  **Chapter XVII**

 

**No News is Good News**

무소식이 희소식

 

** -Unread Messages- **

8:15 a.m.

**Baby chick:** “Seulgi Unnie!!! Wendy Unniee!!! Where are you guys??”

_\---_

Joohyun smiled at the message. _They’re always looking for each other. Gosh, how cute. I hope they’re having fun so far._

Bae Joohyun got up that morning with a fluttering heart and a stupidly giddy grin on her face. She had never felt happier. She had a dream last night about all 5 of them running together in the flowery fields of Jeju Island, having the time of their lives. They were laughing and skipping—the warm summer breeze playing with their hair and their loose white dresses as the yellow petals rode with the wind. The dream barely had a plot, but the lovely imagery lingered in her thoughts even hours after she woke. Since when was the last time had she dreamt dreams that made her feel on top of the clouds? Too long ago to remember, if there ever were such dreams in her past.

“I’m meeting Yeri today…,” Joohyun whispered to herself, glancing over to her desk, where IU’s signed CD and poster was placed. Again, a syrupy sweet grin stretched across her porcelain white cheeks. “I hope she loves it!”

Yeri may not explicitly show her love for her three unnies, but Joohyun clearly saw it in her eyes on that day at the amusement park—Yeri truly did have a strong attachment to them. She knew this kid would be bawling when she finally leaves Korea. It would be similar to how much she misses her family in Daegu. There was nothing she could do about the pain Yeri might feel when she leaves, but the best she can do was give her another great memory so that Yeri can look back to her childhood in Korea with a smile.

After getting ready for her classes, she almost just left her dorm, but then she remembered— _oh right, it’ll rain today._

Joohyun looked back to check her happy, smiling reflection on the mirror, then went to grab the long, blue umbrella hanging by her clothes rack.

“I’ll use Wendy’s umbrella today,” she giggled to herself. Then she glanced at her “friend” Ryan and said, “Bye, Ryan!” before skipping out the room.

***

_“I’m going to find Wendy. You guys should stay here, obey the crew, and wait for the rescue.”_

What Seulgi said went totally out of line. The ship was tilted at more than 50 degrees already when she ventured out to find Wendy. To keep things from getting worse, Soo-Young had grabbed Seulgi by the wrist, scared to let her run out there alone. Unfortunately, the determined bear with the courageous heart had other things in mind… and that same hand Soo-Young held onto so tightly slipped out of her grasp. She even wanted to run after that ambitious girl. However, the same barefoot stewardess stopped her, saying it was too dangerous and that she will handle it herself. More than 30 minutes passed and the listing has gotten so much worse, yet the stupid bear she was so fond of was still out of sight.

“Ugh, that stupid bear!” Soo-Young cried out. “Why’d she run off like that?! Why doesn’t she ever use her brain!”

“Don’t worry,” her friend Rosé assured her. “They’ll find her. And Wendy Unnie too. I hope…”

“They’re not answering their stupid phones. Where the heck are they?!” Soo-Young began to cry—tears trickling down without her noticing. “Why is the signal so bad in the ocean?! I thought our technology has gotten better in the 21st century!”

While she was complaining and Rosé was trying to comfort her, a young man spotted them and called out to them. “Hey, Soo-Young! Rosé!”

Soon, there before them stood a fairly good-looking young man about their age looking very worried while holding an extra life vest. He had been helping out the crew and the teachers in distributing life vests ever since the ferry started tilting. “You guys need to wear life vests! They say the rescuers are coming soon! Here.” He gave the extra to Soo-Young.

“Thanks, Sungjae…,” Soo-Young muttered, not wanting to look him in the eyes. He was the basketball guy. They used to be good friends and she has had the biggest crush on him, but he refused her back then. And now recently it was like he was trying to make up for it when she was clearly over him. She just had no idea what to feel. But now was not the time to think about complicated relationships when they were all literally in danger. So then, she handed the life vest to Rosé and said, “Here, Rosé, wear it.”

Then he began unbuckling his own life vest and pushed it to Soo-Young’s arms. “Wear this.”

Before he ran off, Soo-Young called out, “Hey wait, you moron! What about you?!”

“I’ll look for another one. Don’t worry about me.”

Another half-hour later, things were turning bleak. None of them could delude themselves into thinking the ship will be alright, for hell was breaking loose before their very eyes while they were still in it—like some horrific episode of Twilight Zone. Water was rushing in; inverted walls and structures were getting deformed and giving way. People were breaking windows, stumbling over tables and chairs, and the braver ones were jumping out for their lives despite the continuous announcements to stay put. Which was more rational—remaining stationary, or fleeing for life? None of them knew any better at first, but it was more evident now that they had to start doing something and take matters into their own hands. Teachers and crew members helped other passengers wear life vests and helped them out the ship; students held onto their friends and pulled each other out of the sinking metal death trap.

“Rosé! Soo-Young!” cried out one of their teachers. “You both need to get out of here!”

“But Ms. Seo!” Soo-Young pleaded. “I can’t leave! Seulgi Unnie and Wendy Unnie are still in there! I can’t leave them!”

_I can’t leave them._ She so wished her tears would stop falling and stop adding to the already flooding sea water, but just the thought of losing her two _unnies_ to this awful tragedy overshadowed all other fears. She was so scared of losing them that even she had stopped “using her brain.” She knew they were still in there somewhere, but there was nothing she could do. It frustrated her to the point that physical pain was tangibly felt: burning pain from the top of her head to the tips of her toes. Those two _unnies_ —the two neighbours who lived next door—she had always been over-protective of them—her _two losers._ They may be losers, but losing them would make her the _ultimate loser_. It was bad enough that she will lose Yeri in the summer; she couldn’t… she just couldn’t be separated from them too. She couldn’t let this happen.

“If you don’t go, you might not make it out!” the music teacher insisted.

“But they can’t die either!”

“It’s okay; we’ll find them later!” _There could be no time for later._

“Soo-Young, let’s get out of here…,” Rosé begged, tugging helplessly onto her friend’s arm. “We can’t stay any longer…”

“No! You go on out. I can’t leave Seulgi Unnie and Wendy Unnie…”

More dreadful clangorous roars of the slowly dying _Eunhasoo_ resounded throughout the place. A flood of salty sea water hiked up to their waist; surges of adrenaline began rushing through their entire body. At this point, one of the male teachers—Mr. Lee, Seulgi and Wendy’s class advisor—was now pushing and dragging the smaller students out to the terrace. Ms. Seo, the music teacher, was helping students climb up the tilted hall along with the stewardess that helped them out earlier.

“Soo-Youngie,” their big-hearted music teacher begged. “Please, you really need to go. You need to live for your parents and for everyone else.”

“But—”

With much hesitation and weak tugging by her friend Rosé, Soo-Young finally agreed to climb out of the capsizing ferry. However, she was not at peace with this decision at all. Leaving without Seulgi and Wendy seemed so wrong—almost a very selfish deed—that it made her feel guilty. What if they don’t make it out? What kind of friend would that make her?

Up at the opening, she saw Yook Sungjae again, helping one of the teachers push out passengers off the ship. _He was not wearing a life vest._

“Hey, you said you were going to find a life vest!” Soo-Young said in a very worried tone.

“I’m fine,” he answered back. By then the water in the ship was up to their chest. The young man then pushed her up to climb the terrace. From there, he insisted that she jump into the water. But Soo-Young held onto the railings. She didn’t want to leave.

“Soo-Young, go!”

“No, I can’t!”

Finally, he pushed her out and helped Rosé up so that she could escape too.

“Hey! You idiot!” Soo-Young let out a shrill yell while sliding down the walls of the ship along with a handful of other students, but Yook Sungjae was still in there helping the other students get out. Soon, Soo-Young was on the cold waters, drifting out into the ocean, away from the sinking ship. “Yook Sungjae, you idiot! You’re an idiot…,” she yelled while sobbing. “My Seulgi Unnie… My Wendy Unnie… I can’t leave them…”

Out there in the vast sea, with the overturned ferry capsizing before her very eyes, she cried out loud in excruciating agony, cursing the ocean waves, cursing the sinking ferry, cursing the school for making them go on this trip, cursing Wendy for not bringing her phone to breakfast, cursing Seulgi for not charging her phone and for running out alone, cursing Yook Sungjae for giving up his life vest and pushing her out… and cursing herself for being the biggest loser in the entire _Milky Way Galaxy_ for not doing anything—for not having enough power to stop any of this from happening. She flailed and thrashed in the tossing waves, crying and hoping she would finally wake up from this terrible nightmare, until the sting of the cold waters and the burning in her throat and temples consumed her… almost.

Strong arms had pulled her up into a smaller motor boat. There Soo-Young, Rosé, and a handful of other students with faces drenched in terror, looked back at the gigantic disaster being swallowed by the vast waters. Soo-Young wept in terrible grief, still not believing what she was seeing with her very own eyes. There were other motor boats with passengers in them but, _this can’t be all of them, right?_

“S-seulgi Un-nie… Wen-dy Un-nie…” She could not hold back her sobs. Seulgi and Wendy—they were the best sisters she ever had. They were family to her. She was an only child and they treated her like their own blood. All those times they spent together; all those lazy afternoons doing nothing; playing pranks and being goofballs; annoying the hell out of each other and free-loading off each other’s parents… It cannot end here.

“They’ll be rescued, won’t they?” _The rescue teams will head in there and get them out before it was too late, won’t they? But why aren’t the rescuers going in to help? I don’t understand. We barely even made it out. The crew and the teachers are trying their hardest in there to get as much children out. They need help..._

Noticing Soo-Young’s trembling shoulders, Rosé pulled her in for another hug. There on the motor boat on the way to the nearest island of Jindo, they along with a small fraction of other survivours cried on each other’s arms.

Back on land after what seemed like forever at sea, teams of medics were on the rush—wrapping towels, checking others for vital signs, bringing in stretchers… Some were rushed to hospitals, while some students were sent to a small building where they can stay in the meantime. There inside the wide room filled with heart-broken, traumatized souls, people were contacting their families and reporting to them about the incident. Everyone tried comforting each other, though comfort was far out of reach when the near-death experience was still very fresh.

And while it was all still very fresh, there were journalists and news reporters in the scene too, harassing people for interviews for their latest “exclusive” story. The moment the rescue boats arrived on land, those media people were already there, trying to get a word out of the freshly saved survivours. It was like they were all suddenly celebrities. It was ridiculous. The media took every bit of image, word, witness, victim—absolutely anything they could capture—just to provide even a little backbone to their sensationalistic news stories. _Like riding the tide of merciless hype._

_“Young student, can I please get an interview?”_

_“Can you describe to us what happened inside and how you felt while the ferry was sinking?”_

_“How did you manage to make it out of the ferry?”_

_“Are some of your friends still inside?”_

_“Do you know if they are still alive?”_

_“Do you know if they are still alive?”_ That very question haunted Soo-Young’s tumultuous soul. All this noise—it was too much to bear. They were very startled and speechless. They had just gone through a disastrous event. Their tear-drenched faces had not even dried yet. Their minds and bodies were still a wreck. Without even trying to be polite, Soo-Young flatly refused to answer and dragged Rosé along with her. Saying she was “not in the mood” to answer is an understatement. In the evacuation center, she just sat in a corner and continued to cry, praying that the others would soon be rescued. From time to time when a new character entered the premises, she would look, but the two faces she so desperately longed to see were not coming. The other faces too, Sungjae, their teachers, and her other classmates, most of them were nowhere in sight. 

A little later, she got a chance to contact her mother.

“Hello, Mom…?”

_“Hello? Soo-Youngie! Soo-Young is that you?”_

“Mom… M-mom-ma…” Soo-Young began to uncontrollably sob again upon hearing her mother’s voice over the payphone. (Somehow, she had lost her phone in the midst of the evacuation.) Words could not express how it gripped her heart to hear her mother after all of this chaos. Back in that ship when all hope was slowly diminishing, she had a thought that she might not ever hear her mother’s voice again. But here she was. “Mom… I’m a-alive… I survived...”

_“Oh, good lord! My baby, Soo-Youngie, you’re okay! The school sent a message this morning and it was all over the news! I’ve been trying to contact you!”_

“I’m okay,” she hiccupped between sobs like a little child. “B-but Seulgi Unnie and Wendy Unnie, I…  they’re n-not with me... I d-don’t know what h-happened t-to them…” Just saying their name caused a gripping ache in her fear-drenched heart. The thought of them still in that hunk of disintegrating junk—struggling for light and air, being crushed and murdered by the pressure of heartless waters—made her want to explode in anguish. If she could just head back in there and save all the souls clamouring for dear life like an all-powerful comic book hero, the crying would all stop and they can just go home with a happy ending. But unfortunately, superheroes do not exist. Those superheroes in movies were just frames of people’s imagination, trying to give hope to a hopeless world. And yet, Soo-Young tried to convince herself that miracles exist, because if she didn’t… Seulgi and Wendy… and everyone else… they may disappear… _forever._

_“I’ll contact their parents right away. Your father and I are coming to get you. Praise the Lord you are still alive my Soo-Youngie! We were so worried about you…”_

_Why does being alive and surviving this tragedy feel so painful?_

***

Back in Seoul, where Yeri had lunch with other middle-school kids, the popular thirteen-year-old sipped on her chocolate milk with her hands crossed and a smug look on her face.

“My gosh, Yeri, is that true?” asked one of her friends.

“Yes, it’s true.” Yeri placed her chocolate milk carton on the table and leaned closer for a whisper. “She met IU in person and got the autograph just for me. I’m meeting her later.”

“Lucky little bitch,” another friend remarked.

“Of course.” Yeri then got up from her seat—in all her sassiness—and motioned for Saeron to come with her too. “I might show you guys when I receive it. But no touching!”

 

After school, Yeri bid her friends goodbye and headed to the bus stop near the small café that she previously went to with Wendy. Every time she passed by that café, she remembered that rainy day when Wendy talked to her about losing her older sister in her tragic past. It was such a dramatic moment making it so difficult to forget. Of all the overly dramatic moments she ever had with Wendy, that one was probably the worst. It was terrible because ridiculing her suddenly felt inappropriate. And although she did not want to admit it, Wendy almost made her cry. Almost. Okay, maybe a few tears dropped that day.

Today, just like that day, it was a rainy day in Seoul. The clouds were so thick; the sun could barely shine through. This time, however, she had her own umbrella with her. But she checked the weather forecast for Jeju Island and found out it actually wasn’t raining in that part of the country. _Lucky bitches…_

When the bus arrived, little Yeri hopped in. She began to browse through her phone messages in boredom and saw that there were no new messages from their 5-person chatroom. The last message was of Soo-Young looking for the other two. _Hm, I guess they’re having too much fun out there to even bother with their phones. Gosh, I’m impressed. Must be one hell of a school trip. They better come back with plenty of good Jeju Island snacks._

While she was there, an older man a few seats back was playing a video of what sounded like a news report through his phone. It was difficult to make out because of the noise, but whatever it was, the only thing in Yeri’s head was: _Gosh, old people should learn to use earphones in public places…_

Then there was a new message on her phone, from Joohyun: “Yerimmie! I just finiished my classes! I’m waiting at the bus stop ^^”

_Oh yes! Joohyun Unnie is waiting. I’m excited!_

Just a few minutes later, Yeri got off the bus and saw her new favourite _unnie_ waving at her underneath the shelter of the bus stop. The kid quickly leaped toward her to avoid the falling rain and greeted the older girl with a beaming smile. “You got the stuff?”

“Oh yeah, I got the stuff!” the _unnie_ exclaimed enthusiastically. Then she pressed the button on the handle of Wendy’s blue umbrella and held it up with one hand while resting the other around the younger’s shoulder. “I left it in my locker in the library because I didn’t want the poster to get wet. Come, let’s go together.”

It was rather dark and the skies were fully covered with dark grey clouds, yet the two of them had the sunniest dispositions at the time. Joohyun was very thankful about gaining a new little friend, and Yeri was happy to have another older girl shower her with love and gifts. Sure, they could not meet the other three while they were out on their school trip, but at least they have each other.

As they walked together under the rain shower, Joohyun looked down to the shorter girl and asked, “So, how was school today?”

Yeri chuckled. “You sound like a mom.”

Joohyun scrunched up her brows. “Are you saying only moms can ask that question? Or are you saying I’m old?!”

“Sheesh, calm down. I was just kidding. School was alright, thanks for asking.” Yeri liked teasing to feel closer to people and start developing a sort of kinship, but she did not want to get into Joohyun’s bad side before she actually laid hands on the gift. “By the way, this umbrella looks really familiar. I think Wendy Unnie lent me an umbrella similar to this one back then…”

“That’s because it is hers. She let me borrow it the other day, because I didn’t bring my own,” Joohyun said, remembering how kind it was of Wendy to do so. She also remembered Seulgi’s story of thinking the umbrella was broken. It was still an adorably funny story.

“Classic Wendy Unnie,” Yeri mumbled. “Always the Good Samaritan.”

The two of them went into the area of the library that had lockers, Joohyun searching for number 0043. After unlocking the door, she pulled out the CD and rolled up poster. “Ta-da!”

“Oh my gosh, I can’t believe this is really happening.” Yeri carefully held the two items in awe. There is was on the cover of the CD—a very visible, authentic signature from the pop star IU herself. “But man, you’re so lucky! What was it like meeting her? Was she pretty in real life?”

“Oh yeah, she was very pretty and down-to-earth. I was very nervous about asking her at first but she was so nice. I wish you could have met her. She even wrote a personal letter for you in the photo album. The poster is also signed. You can look at it later while we sit at the lounge café.”

“Gosh, this has got to be the most amazing gift ever! I gotta hand it to you—you’re amazing, Joohyun Unnie. Now I know why Seulgi Unnie and Wendy Unnie like you a lot. You’re really something else. You’re on a whole ‘nother level!”

Joohyun gave a flattered laugh at the remark. “Thanks. I try. Now let’s go, I’ll treat you to drinks and donuts.”

_It’s just like that day with Seulgi again. We went to the library lounge cafe too._

…

…

_But... of all the places to go, of all the times to find out… why?_

On that afternoon in the middle of May—when the warm humid air and sudden rains began signaling the entrance of summer—Joohyun and Yeri went together to the university library’s lounge. There, the smell of brewing coffee, the comfy leather couches, the glass coffee tables, and drinks filled with the unhealthiest syrups and sweetest sugars—all had faded from view. The only thing that they remember seeing and hearing were the haunting sounds of thunder _… and a wide-screen television in the lounge displaying the latest news_.

_“…as you can all see now, the entire motor vessel—Eunhasoo, originally en route to Jeju Island—has submerged completely, however, there are still about 300 people missing—mostly the students from Ansan Private High School…”_

“Wh-what?”

A rolled-up poster and CD case fell on the hard marble floor.

_“Eunhasoo.” “Ansan Private High School.” “Jeju Island.”_

Joohyun looked to Yeri. The girl was ever so still like a statue, her eyes fixed on the screen flashing footages of crying students and a sinking ship; senseless graphs of stock prices and government agendas…        

_“… at 8:50 a.m. the vessel has started listing to the left side—the side of the port—after taking a sharp turn at the Maenggol Channel off the coast of East Geocha Island… So far there are about 170 people rescued and were evacuated to Jindo Island … by 1:30 p.m. the entire vessel has completely submerged … Authorities are still investigating the causes for the capsizing and subsequent rescue operations are still being made …”_

Joohyun squatted to grab the fallen poster and CD and placed it on one of the sofas of the lounge. She then took the middle schooler’s shoulders and looked her in the eyes. “Yeri, sit down.”

Checking back her messages, Joohyun saw the last thing posted to their chatroom.

**8:15 a.m.**

**Baby chick:** “Seulgi Unnie!!! Wendy Unniee!!! Where are you guys??”

\---

8:15 a.m.

8:15 a.m. was the time of the last message. There was nothing after that. But before that there were photos of them and messages from the previous night, all smiling and having so much fun. And there in one of the older photos, Joohyun saw Soo-Young’s selfie with the ferry named _Eunhasoo..._ _What happened?_

 

Joohyun sent new messages.

“Soo-Young?”

“Wendy??”

“Seulgi???”

“Where are you??”

“Are you guys ok?”

“Guys… please answer :(”

“Guys ㅜㅜㅜㅜㅠㅠㅠㅜㅜㅜㅠㅜ”

_Please… please tell me you all survived,_ Joohyun pleaded while typing out futile messages. The uncontrollable shaking of her hands was not stopping. The glaring phone screen was turning into a blur as water started flooding her eyes to the brim. She could not make herself look back up that television screen unless they send a reply. _If they can send a reply._

“Ha…,” Yeri scoffed without taking her eyes off the television. She sounded lifeless and detached, despite the river of tears streaming down her face. “And they say ‘no news is good news[1].’”

_And I guess that’s true…,_  Yeri continued in her head. _Because I’d rather not hear this news ever again._

* * *

[1] “무소식이 희소식” – (No News is Good News) expression: When nothing (no news) is heard from someone, it is implied that that person is doing well.


	22. Silence (침묵)

#  **Chapter XVIII**

 

**Silence**

침묵

 

The subsequent events were a blur. The screams of angry parents at Jindo; the reuniting of the survivors and their loved ones; the divers rushing in to find survivors… It was all foggy. On that longest ride home, Soo-Young sat at the backseat of their family SUV, watching the tiny round droplets of water slide down and reappear on the glass. Just like the passing streetlights on the dim countryside highway, a memory would flash for a brief moment, hazily reappearing and disappearing in the darkness. She tried to focus on the drops, ignoring the flashes of light.

_“…divers from the national search and rescue team had been deployed to look for missing passengers in the Eunhasoo Motor Vessel, and so far a missing body of a young boy was found…”_

“Mom?”

“Yes, darling?”

“Can you turn off the radio? I want to sleep.” It was 7 p.m.—hours after the full submersion of the ferry, yet the divers had found little to nothing. At least, not a single survivor anyway. She wanted to get angry and scream and fight whoever was supposed to be responsible for this mess, but at this point she no longer had any strength left in her.

Her mother’s gaze lingered on her for a while. Soo-Young just ignored it. She was too exhausted to care about how terribly grief-stricken she must have looked. Complying to her wishes, her mother then pushed the button, turning the radio off. Now it was nothing but the vibrating engine and the light tapping of rain.

With a deep sigh, her breath fogged up the glass. Using one finger, she drew two dots and an upward curve below them—resembling a sad face. A tear trickled. Then another. Just like the droplets on the glass. But she could not cry any harder. She had done nothing but cry all day. The trip she so looked forward to; the trip she raved about to her friends; the trip she swore was going to be the best trip ever, had turned into the very horrific day that would traumatize her forever.

_I never got to see the dolphins…_

Those friends of hers… can she still delude herself into thinking they were somehow still alive? She had seen the ship get flooded and wrecked and sink with her very own eyes. It’s already 7 p.m.—hours after the full submersion, and the rescue was a big failure no matter how the media tried to convince the masses otherwise. Nobody can hold their breaths underwater for that long. It isn’t a “rescue” if there wouldn’t be anyone left breathing. If the authorities really tried their best, everyone in that ship should not have to lose their lives suffering such a long wait. If the authorities tried their best, all her friends and teachers would have gotten out before it was too late. But that was not how it turned out. Instead, they were all left betrayed with a hope for a rescue that never came. The ones who came out alive came out of their own volition. As painful as it was to believe, she knew it was the truth, and the truth hurts.

“Soo-Young,” her mother called again from the front passenger seat. “Yeri’s on the phone.”

Soo-Young sluggishly reached out to grab her mother’s phone and pressed it to her ear for a breathy “hello.”

_“Unnie?”_

“Hi Yeri…”

_“A-are you okay? I heard what happened…”_

She remained silent, knowing nothing she might say would make the situation any better.

 _“Okay…What about Wendy Unnie and Seulgi Unnie?”_ It sounded like her closest cousin was being careful with her words.

She exhaled through her nose with the littlest energy. Clearly even getting a breath out was hard enough. “Let’s talk some other day, okay?”

_“Um, okay. I understand. I’ll visit you soon. Take care.”_

Hours later—she made it home. The moment Soo-Young stepped out of the car, she stared blankly up the slope to the black metal gate of Seulgi and Wendy’s house. Past the gate and the brick wall was the Kang family’s wide modern-style home. It was dark and not a single light illuminated the place. It almost did not look the same.

Seulgi’s parents had also gone to Jindo Island along with hundreds of other parents and were probably still there waiting on the news of their two “princesses.” They were in contact with Wendy’s parents, who were on the other side of the world in Ontario also keeping up to date with the news. When Soo-Young saw Seulgi’s parents in Jindo earlier, she could not look them in the eyes. She knew she should have held onto Seulgi’s wrist tighter. She should not have let her go. And she should not have called Wendy a moron for leaving her phone. Wendy had always been the smart one, but even the school genius did not make it out. Now the house on the higher side of the slope was empty.

It never used to be dark, empty, and quiet back then. There was a time when she was younger—middle school, in fact, around three years ago—that she stood from this very spot, looking up the slanted road. A light emanated from a window, with a figure of an older girl staring out into the night sky, lightly humming a lovely tune in the sweetest voice.

 _“Hey Kang Seulgi!”_ yelled a deeper voice of a man. Suddenly, the girl disappeared from the window.  _“You little idiot! Did you eat the cupcake Wendy made earlier?! I said that was mine!”_

 _“It doesn’t matter, Oppa!”_ a girl’s voice yelled back. _“Wendy didn’t say those cupcakes were for you! Anyone can eat it if they want to!”_

Soo-Young had just moved into this neighbourhood at that time. She did not realize the neighbours would be so loud.

Into the house beside it, the one on the lower side of the slope, was Soo-Young’s house. She had lived there for three years, yet it was still a bit foreign to her. It was probably because she spent less time there. Most days, she was in the Kangs’ house, making it seem a lot more like home for some reason. It was ridiculous—spending more time in your neighbour’s house than your own.

Yet it wasn’t always that way at first.

That summer three years ago, thirteen-year-old Soo-Young would stay in the new house all alone, waiting for her parents to come back home from their work. Her parents worked long hours—from the moment she opened her eyes, they leave and only come back during her bed time. It never bothered her back when they lived in Seoul, because she can always go to her aunt’s house and play with her closest cousin Yeri and Yeri’s baby sisters. But when she moved to Ansan, Yeri’s house was just an hour too far, and she did not want to make an effort. She even swore that first week in their new house was the most boring time of her life.

Until one day that summer, younger Soo-Young decided to venture out of the house all alone to the nearby park down the street. The cicadas were too noisy; the summer heat was sweltering. That was when she thought it was a terrible idea to leave the house. And so, she came running back. But for some weird reason—maybe the sun was glaringly bright that she failed to see it—she pushed open the unlocked gate and went inside  _someone else’s house_ —whose gate was apparently unlocked as well.

“Oh, hey I think Oppa’s back… not.” A girl—the same one she saw humming by the window—stopped in her tracks after rushing out the front door to check the creaky gate. “Um, hello…?”

 _Oh shoot, did I just walk into the neighbour’s house? Ugh, why are the gates and brick fences in this neighbourhood the same colour?_  “I’m sorry, I went into the wrong gate. I just got a little lost.”

But it was the best mistake she ever made. She ended up introducing herself to this older girl named Seulgi, and then another girl of Seulgi’s age appeared and introduced herself as Wendy.

“Oh, so you’re with the family who just moved next door! It’s nice to meet you!”

Wendy, who seemed to be the kindest soul she had ever met, asked her to stay a while and have some cheesecake. Then bubbly Seulgi Unnie invited her to watch Japanese anime with her. When Seulgi’s older brother came back with ice cream, they all ate together while watching TV. She ended up staying all afternoon, and even the next day, and the days after that, and even when summer passed. She grew to love this family—the family next door. When Yeri visited the first weekend, she ended up dragging along her cousin to the neighbour’s house too. And that was how they had always been...

_...Until the day before the school trip._

Back in her room all alone, she sat on her bed, just staring blankly at a window that looked out to the unlit house next door.  _Will they really be rescued?_   _Or will she just have to go back to that very boring first week in the middle of summer?_

Glancing to her neatly made beddings and pillows, a yellow duck plushie sat atop and slightly askew—the one Seulgi won for her after trying out her luck on the claw machines at the amusement park. Of course, to Seulgi and Wendy, that thing wasn’t a duck; it was a  _baby chick_ , more cowardly than the biggest chickens. That stupid bear and her stupid genius sidekick even playfully teased her for screaming so loud on that Viking ride.  _It’s true. I am a total chicken. The biggest baby chicken in the universe._  She was scared to think of a life without them—her two idiot neighbours.

_***_

“Hi Joohyun Unnie…… you’re the only other person I can talk to.”

Joohyun felt a dull pang in her chest upon laying eyes on that message. “Yerim..ㅠㅠ Is everything alright?”

“I don’t think so.”

“You talked with Soo-Young?”

“She didn’t want to talk on the phone.”

After the initial shock at the lounge café, Joohyun quickly ordered Yeri to stop being a still frame and call the three high school girls’ parents. Yeri then contacted her aunt—Soo-Young’s mother—and found out that Soo-Young was alive, and that they were on the way to Jindo to fetch her.  _“Auntie says Soo-Young doesn’t know what happened to Seulgi and Wendy,”_ Yeri said after the call.

_And she probably still doesn’t until now. That’s why she doesn’t want to talk._

“………… unnie……ㅠㅜㅜㅠㅜㅠㅜㅜㅠㅜ”

Joohyun shut her eyes tightly, squeezing out the tears from her watery red eyes, dropping tiny puddles on her flat phone screen. She wanted to know what happened, yet at the same time she was not sure she wanted to know the truth. She tried to watch the news. She tried. There were news articles here and there—causes for listing, timeline of sinking, transport company’s dropping stocks, frantic parents, the President’s absence during the tragedy… all these useless information—and none that would answer her only question— _are Seulgi and Wendy okay?_ But if anyone looked closely, clues were dropped here and there: by Soo-Young’s actions just now; by news of the increasing death count from the media outlets. However, Joohyun did not want to believe them and deliberately chose to turn a blind eye. Every second was too painful to bear until she was forced to turn it all off. And what a familiar scene it was. Two weeks ago, she had done the exact same thing—after she found out about Bogum.

But it was slightly different this time. With Bogum there was no question. But with this news, there was uncertainty. Search and rescue teams had been deployed, and that one fact could either mean good or bad. Good in the sense that there was a chance they might still come out alive; bad in the sense that the situation had truly been a big enough disaster to have a need for such rescue teams. Nevertheless, if there was even the tiniest slither of hope, she latched onto it for dear life. For the dear life of her friends. Because she knew very well—she can’t just lose them like this.

“When I visit Sooyoung Unnie will you come with me??” another message from Yeri popped up. “I’m scared. I don’t know what to say to her.”

“Yes of course Yerm ㅜㅜ”

***

It was dark. Pitch black to the point that the pressure felt like crushing and ripping her soul to shreds. The same loud cries of anguish and screeching metallic rumbles echoed in the blackness, causing her insides to churn and grind with a harrowing pain that ate at her from the inside. She fought and struggled but her body cannot move. She screamed but silence came out from her mouth.

“Soo-Young… Soo-Young…,” called a faint voice of a girl amidst the turbulence.

 _Seulgi Unnie? Wendy Unnie?_ She could not figure out whose familiar voice it was. She tried calling out for Seulgi and Wendy again, but not a single sound came out. The harder she pushed and burned out her lungs, the harder it became to breathe. Her heart pounded fast, entering into a state of panic until…

…a very loud high-pitched scream finally escaped from her lungs. She opened her eyes and sat straight up, clutching her sheets so tightly, gasping for air. Her entire body was a sweaty mess; her face drenched in the salty mix of sweat and tears.

“Soo-Young, it’s okay!” said the same voice. Soon, gentle hands found their way to her cheeks, nestling her face in warmth. “It’s alright. It’s alright.”

There before her was a gentle face, with two caring almond eyes and light pink lips whispering comfort. “J-joohyun Unnie?”

“Calm down, it’s okay. It’s just a dream,” Joohyun’s breathy voice repeated. Then with a white hand towel, the caring _unnie_ wiped the beads of sweat on the frightened girl’s forehead and dried up her two moist cheeks.

Soo-Young looked around her room feeling very confused, and finally spotted her younger cousin sitting so still on her desk chair, looking straight at her. “You’re both here?”

“We came an hour ago,” Joohyun explained. “Your mother wouldn’t leave you alone, so we volunteered to stay and watch you so that she can go to work. Don’t strain yourself. Lie down. Your fever is still very high.”

“What?” It was midday. When she glanced to her clock on the side table, she saw it was 4 p.m. She slept  _that_  long.

“Yeri kept calling your mother and asking if you were alright. It was her idea to stay here and watch over you.”

Soo-Young looked back to Yeri, not believing what she just heard. Yeri just sat there without a word, still staring at her.

Joohyun’s hand lightly patted her shoulder, telling her to lie down again. “Your mother made you porridge. I’ll scoop some up for you. You need to eat.”

The eldest went out the room, leaving the two cousins alone. Soo-Young lay back down. Her breathing had finally normalized, but her entire body still felt sore as if she ran a long marathon. Then she rolled to her left and cuddled her duck plushie into a fetal position. Her gaze wandered to Yeri, whom had not moved or said much the entire time, still staring blankly in her direction. There was nothing normal about this entire scene. It wasn’t a dream though.

Soo-Young closed her eyes, took a deep sigh, and opened her eyes again. She had no idea what to say. It seemed like her cousin didn’t know what to say either. They both used to just spit savage remarks at each other without remorse. This silence only meant they were trying to be considerate to each other.

Thank goodness Joohyun did not leave them alone for too long and immediately came back with a steaming bowl of chicken porridge. Soo-Young did not have to guess what was in that bowl; her mother always made chicken porridge whenever someone was sick anyway. She wasn’t the biggest fan of it though.

“Sit up and lean back a bit. I tried it earlier. It’s actually not bad,” Joohyun said, referring to the porridge. It must have been obvious from her scowl that the _unnie_ even had to say that. Without further ado, she just sat up and grabbed the bowl from Joohyun to eat.  _Yup, it’s mother’s porridge alright…_ It was difficult not to grimace after putting something so bland in her mouth. She continued eating it anyway.

Soo-Young continued scooping up porridge bit by bit. Joohyun watched her. Yeri watched her. There was nothing but the sounds of light clanging of the spoon against the ceramic bowl and the swallowing of rice porridge. Nothing could be more awkward.

“They’re still looking for them, you know,” Joohyun started, breaking the silence. “Seulgi and Wendy…”

Soo-Young shot her an intimidating glare. She looked scary when she wasn’t smiling.

“We’re all… worried,” Joohyun continued, her voice unstable. “You can talk to us, you know.”

The girl on the bed put down her porridge on her lap and looked down on it.  _Should I just tell them? That the unnies most likely won’t come back? That I failed them?_ “It’s not a very good memory,” she simply said. Before she knew it, tears were falling from her eyes again. She was just bad at holding back her emotions. The fear, the madness, the frustration—they rebound and hit her every time she thought back on it. It was safe to say that yesterday was the  _worst_  day of her life.

Joohyun took the bowl of porridge from her and placed it on her desk. Then she sat on the bed to take the poor girl into her arms. Soo-Young leaned down onto the smaller _unnie_ ’s shoulder and wept hard like the big baby she was. Soon, Joohyun had begun tearing up too, and Yeri as well. The eldest called the youngest to come close and took her into her other arm. Together the three of them cried, with the eldest lightly stroking both younger girls’ hairs and backs.

The other two softly sobbed, but Soo-Young wailed the loudest and cried the hardest. Joohyun tried to comfort her, but she only cried louder. “I failed them… I…I left them there! I shouldn’t have let go… I shouldn’t have…”

“Soo-Young, don’t blame yourself. It wasn’t your fault,” Joohyun tried telling her. “None of this was your fault. They’re still conducting search and rescues—”

“I was there when it happened! There was water everywhere! Everything was crashing and breaking and upside-down! I watched it sink! I saw some people get hospitalized after barely making it out! There’s no way _they_ would still make it out alive!”

Yeri watched the two of them with tears also streaming down from her eyes, still not saying anything. In her head all she can think of was the words Wendy had told her—the very story Wendy once told.  _So this must be how Wendy Unnie felt. It really does hurt, doesn’t it? Wendy Unnie is so mean. She can’t just tell me that story and talk to me about melting candies and then get stuck in a sunken ferry like this. She’s so mean. She’s the worst. And Seulgi Unnie is equally awful, because she encouraged me to listen to Wendy Unnie and get along with her. They’re terrible, terrible unnies… For making me cry. For leaving without saying goodbye._

Joohyun began to cry harder. Usually she never cried too hard when she was with other people (except for that one time with Seulgi), but this time she let her restrictions loose. She hated Soo-Young’s pessimism, even though she knew it was the truth. “Don’t say that! You never know! Nothing’s confirmed! I won’t believe it until they are found. I just won’t believe it…” 

_Seulgi promised me. She said she’ll always be there. And I promised her she won’t lose me and that I won’t disappear, but why do I have to be the one to lose her? I just can’t lose her. And I haven’t even returned Wendy’s umbrella. Who’s going to give me hugs and make me smile and laugh and cry in the bakery if she really is gone? No, I just won’t believe it._

 

Days passed and they tried to act as normally as possible. Joohyun barely listened to her lectures; Yeri refused to hang out with her friends. Soo-Young stayed in bed, trying to recover from her terrible fever. On afternoons, Joohyun and Yeri visited her, with Joohyun even cutting an afternoon class just to be with her. Soo-Young experienced nightmares and sleep paralysis so often that Yeri had to stay a few nights with her just to make it go away. Her mother suggested she talk to a therapist, so she had gone to the doctor for a few sessions as well.

The ferry was all over the news the entire week. Apparently the ship had major alterations to accommodate more passengers, despite it being a safety hazard. Then it was also found that the ship had overloaded cargo. Then the captain was arrested days later due to neglect and incapability. And the investigation continued… There was even news of possibilities of air pockets inside the sunken ship, and teams were working on pumping air into the vessel in case trapped passengers were still alive.

However, there was still no news on Seulgi and Wendy. Seulgi’s parents made subsequent trips to Jindo just to keep track of the situation without being influenced by the media’s trash reports. They continued reporting to Mr. and Mrs. Son in Canada, and also informed Soo-Young’s parents in case Soo-Young wanted to know.

Sunday came and Soo-Young went out of the house for the first time to attend church with her parents. Some of her schoolmates attended this church too. It was no surprise a lot of people were crying when the pastor started praying for the souls of the recovered bodies and those still missing.  _What a depressing time to be in church,_ she thought. The masses of wailing and crying reminded her of that day. She didn’t want to hear any of it. While the prayer was going on, she silently slipped out.

Out on the church courtyard, she saw a familiar friend sitting on the steps. It was Rosé. She had not seen her since the sinking of the ferry. Their high school had shut down for the time being to let everyone involved recover from this terrible tragedy. Besides, even if classes did start up, who would teach them when a lot of the teachers were gone? Who would be their classmates when most of the students did not make it out? The school was most likely reduced to a ghost town.

“Hi,” Soo-Young greeted as she sat beside her. “What are you doing here?”

“I just wanted to get some fresh air,” Rosé answered.

Looking closely, she realized that the girl had been crying, with her eyes red and slightly wet with tears. “You feel uncomfortable sitting in there too, don’t you?”

“I guess.” Then Rosé chuckled, “I bet the pastor will be talking about Habakkuk or Job or something…”

“Yup, something tragedy related. We all know the drill.” Soo-Young shrugged. She had been in church plenty of times to know exactly what would come out of the pastor’s mouth. And yet, sometimes it seemed like the lessons never got ingrained because she barely paid attention or made an effort to apply it in her life.

“It’s just not easy, you know. Trying to understand this chaos, I mean,” Rosé added.

“Yeah…”

Why God would allow such a horrible thing—to Job and Habbakuk who suffered; to Paul and Stephen and the persecuted “good guys” who suffered tragic deaths; _to her friends in the Eunhasoo and Seulgi and Wendy_ —she could not comprehend. But she kept her doubts to herself. Some things are too complicated to grasp.

Rosé then looked up to the cloudy skies. “I haven’t stopped praying for them since that day. I pray all night, because I can’t sleep thinking about them. I remember all our friends, all our teachers, and the fun times we had in class… It was a short time. Too short. We never even reached Jeju Island. But I’d like to believe they’ll all be in a better place. And we’ll see them again. Someday.”

“I sure hope so. I hope they’re smiling and that they don’t have to be afraid anymore, even though it hurts to think I have to go on without them,” Soo-Young said, thinking back on her two _unnies_ and how scary it was in the ferry. As cruel as God would have seemed, she still preferred to believe that God knew what He was doing. Because if there wasn’t a God, there wouldn’t be a heaven, and there was no way she could see her two _unnies_ ever again. Delusional as others may see it, she held on to her beliefs anyway.

“You know, I get triggered when I see the news and the footage of the sinking,” Rosé confessed. “And I’m not usually like this—leaving in the middle of a church service. But I just could not take it seeing everyone grieve like that, especially the parents of those still missing. It’s too sad. I’m alive, and I know I should be grateful to be saved because life is truly precious, but I don’t feel like I’m in a better situation than the ones trapped. If anything, I only feel like I have an even bigger burden or responsibility not to waste this life I’ve been given. Funny what a terrible event can do, huh?”

“That’s totally relatable. It’s just not funny though.” Soo-Young crossed her arms and rested them over her knees. “But you’re definitely right. Life is precious. Very precious. And so are friends, and family, and everyone else out there. We should all treasure life more. It’s not something to be taken lightly. It’s fragile. It’s unpredictable. I’m just coming to fully grasp that more now.”

“Hey, I hope you don’t mind me asking, but…”

“But what?”

Rosé breathed out and bit her lip before continuing. “Did they find your unnies yet?”

“No.”

“I’m sorry.”

***

At the bakery, Joohyun barely kept it together. She walked to the steel rolling gate, expecting a good old, “Good morning, Joohyun Unnie!” loud and clear from the future “Baker Queen,” but was greeted with silence. Stepping into the empty shop all alone; arranging the displays and setting up all alone; it all did not feel right. When she first got assigned to this job, she was so used to doing it all alone, but now all she saw was an empty space—the space Wendy used to fill. Usually Wendy would help her and insist on doing most of her job, to which she would argue and insist that Wendy just strictly do what she was assigned. After finishing set up, they would sit by the sun-kissed glass window and talk about life, about their problems… And in that very same kitchen, Wendy had once surprised her with the prettiest birthday cake she ever received. To think that Wendy was not here chatting away the silence—it broke her spirit. When Chef Taeyeon came in, she saw Joohyun curled up in a ball hiding underneath the counter, softly sobbing with her face buried in her arms.

On the last weeks of May, festivities all over the nation has stopped. That university festival all five of them planned on attending? It was cancelled, and so were the other university festivals in the entire country. Fan events, sports events, and K-pop comebacks were all pushed back. And that pizza slumber party they wanted to have? It turned into a “take-care-of-Soo-Young” sleepover, with just three of them in Soo-Young’s room, listening to the sad ballads in IU’s album. Now whenever Yeri listened to that album, she could only cry. It was never Joohyun’s intention to make her cry by giving her that signed CD, but even the personal letter IU wrote in one of the pages of the photobook made her cry:

“To my big fan Yeri ^^

I heard you’re moving away to London ㅜㅜ. Always be in touch with your loved ones here in Korea and stay strong out there! Make good friends and be happy! 

-IU Unnie 

The late nights, when Seulgi used to bother Joohyun with a spam of random adorable text messages, had reverted back to a lonely silence. During those nights, Joohyun would browse through all the photographs they ever took from their first cherry blossom date together to the final day at the amusement park. They had the prettiest glowing faces and the biggest smiles. They were all so happy.

Even just lying down on her bed had her seeing Seulgi’s sleeping figure beside her—a peaceful baby with her slightly parted lips. Seulgi, that very adorable baby bear—who wanted to spend time with her; who wanted to be her friend; who made sure she was not lonely—had left on a very long journey… far away…  _without her_. Embracing Ryan ever so tightly, Joohyun cried some more, still hoping and wishing that Seulgi could come back and bother her again. And hold her in the warmth of her hand. And randomly call her pretty. And tell her how much she was loved.

But there was nothing but silence. Silence to the point that it was deafening. Silence to the point that it was painful. Silence that might drive her insane.

However, that silence—the period of waiting—eventually came into a screeching halt.

Weeks later, on the last days of June, when the rose petals start falling down like blood drops from their thorny bushes, and the monsoon starts bringing in a more intense series of rain showers, Joohyun received the big news.

From “Baby Chick” (she got a new phone): “They found them.”

The bodies of the two inseparable twin-like girls—they were finally salvaged out of the wreck.

And that’s when this very story started.  _Pre-Epilogue—the moment before the end, before we say our final goodbyes._

On that gloomy rainy morning in the middle of the year, a few days before the final exams started, Joohyun got up from bed and Soo-Young’s message was the first thing she saw. Although it was expected that they would not return alive, somehow, it still broke her heart to finally get a confirmation.

On that day, she cried and cried in her room until she could no longer produce tears. She stayed there, not wanting to be bothered, not wanting to do anything. She just lay in her bed, bundled up in her purple blanket while listening to the sound of tapping drops—the sound of rain. It did not matter that she had classes to attend; it did not matter that her finals were so close. She stayed there grieving at her loss until she finally decided to get up and run out to the bus stop where it all started for her. There on the bus stop she sat ever so still, watching the downpour, remembering everything.

All these nostalgic memories, she could no longer look at them the same way. What used to be  _beautiful, innocent, sweet, joyful, and tender_  were now viewed through a cracked, teary lens. The fonder the memory, the more tears flowed; the brighter the laughter, the harder she cried. Isn’t it strange, how people can look back at something and feel the exact opposite?

_There are still so many things I wanted to do with you. We just met a few months ago, but if feels like a big part of my heart has been ripped away from me… How could you? How could you leave me like this?_

Just like the night Seulgi held her so tightly—when Seulgi once told her,  _“…Don’t disappear. I love you…,”_ she wanted to cry out the same thing. These girls that she treasured with all her heart—she did not want to lose them.

_…Don’t disappear. Please stay..._

_  
_


	23. Candy (사탕)

#  **Chapter XIX**

 

Final Chapter

**Candy**

사탕

 

The paved streets were drenched. Water ran down bricks and cement; the asphalt a glossier shade of black, reflecting the flickering neon lights. A signboard stood out among the rest of the lined-up shops—one of those classic open shops that sell international sweets and snacks at a cheap price. They were really popular with the younger crowd, selling an array of items from Japan, China, Russia, South East Asia, Europe and even the Americas.

Although Joohyun had passed by this particular area near the bus stop before, it was only that day after she received Soo-Young’s message that it caught her eye. Standing under the rain with the blue umbrella protecting her little frame, she watched as three grade school kids ran out in their raincoats, each carrying transparent bags of sweets.

“Hey guys, wait up!”

The final little boy who came out the shop to catch up to his friends caught Joohyun’s eye. Running down a couple steps down to the brick road, the lad slipped on the slippery pavement, dropping his bag of candies and spilling a few on the wet floor.

 _Oh no._ Joohyun immediately went up to the boy to help him. She crouched down to see if he was all right and touched his tiny hands and knees to see if he had bruised them.

“It’s alright, _Noona._ I’m fine,” he said, getting up on his own. Joohyun picked up some of the dropped sweets and placed them back in his bag. When the boy’s adorable mono-lid eyes met hers, he frowned. “Noona, are you okay? Your eyes are red.” _The boy had similar mono-lid eyes; similar innocent and caring face._

Realizing that she still looked like a total mess after crying so hard at the bus stop, she just shook her head and tried to laugh it off. “I’m all right,” she lied for the millionth time in her life. Then she examined one of the sweets the boy dropped. It was a familiar sweet wrapped in brown foil— _a bonbon_.

_“When you’re tired and having a hard time, eat it, and it will give you strength.”_

_Oh gosh, Seulgi..._ Joohyun smiled down on the sweet and tried not to choke on the gripping emotion rising up her throat, but not without another drop of tear slipping from her eye.

“Noona, are you sure you’re okay?”

Joohyun placed the sweet in the boy’s bag before getting up to affectionately ruffle his spiky black hair. “I’m fine. Run along now. Your friends are waiting for you.”

 

The next few days brought in beautiful clear skies with air as pure as city air could get. Everything was dyed in bright saturated colours—dews sparkling and plants and leaves a lush green. The sun was beaming down upon the land; the birds and cicadas were chirping the brightest tunes in all their repetative resonance; and the trees were displaying their full summer glory. Yeri sighed and looked out the tinted car window, masking the view in a slightly darker film. It was the worst time to be in full black mourning clothes.

            Stepping out of the car, she wanted to just stay out there in the parking lot. The weather was too nice—too nice to spend in a _funeral hall_. Though she had read plenty of tragic novels and stories with death and funerals, coming here to witness one herself felt absolutely different. Maybe she did not cry one bit when she bowed before on her grandfather’s memorial at the age of 6, but this time she was not sure she could even step inside that building.

“Let’s go, Yerim,” called her mom.

The funeral hall was basically a whole building that housed rooms rentable for mourning. Down the marble halls, muffled wails and cries could be heard behind heavy closed doors for every room they passed through. When they reached their destination, Yeri’s father placed a white envelope containing condolence money into the wooden box right by the door.

            Kang Seulgi and Wendy Son were both assigned in the same room as requested by both families. They were both found right next to each other in the ferry just like they had always been— _together_. With their friendship in mind, it was only right that they would not be separated until the end. It was probably what they would have wanted as well. In that wide room, two sets of parents watched and cried over their respective child’s displayed photograph, surrounded by a wall of yellow and white chrysanthemums. Obviously, it wasn't the most joyous of seasons, despite the beautiful weather outside.

            Yeri stood by the door, watching as Seulgi’s mother bawled on the floor over the loss over her daughter. On the left side of the room beside Seulgi’s photograph was Wendy’s photograph. A middle-aged couple was also there—Mr. and Mrs. Son—dearly holding each other close. (They had flown all the way from Canada to be with their second daughter in her final moments.) A few guests who had come before Yeri’s family stopped by to pay respects and to bow to the parents to offer condolences before leaving the room.

The thirteen-year-old then approached the flowery altar and solemnly bowed her head. That was probably the most respectful she had been to those two _unnies_ ever since she met them. Gone were the days when she would hustle them for snacks and gifts, and shoot snide remarks at them. Although it was only a flowery altar with their pictures on it, she still found it so awkward to lower her head before them this way. The two girls’ photographs stared back at her, their unmoving faces and lifeless eyes striking an odd chord in her chest.

 _This is so weird,_ Yeri thought as she awkwardly averted from the photographs’ gazes. She expected this moment to be unbearably emotional, but oddly, she did not cry. Either her conscious mind had problems processing this event, or she had just been too jaded by the whole month of dealing with the fact that they were missing.

After staring into their photographs one last time, she went to greet the mourning parents. Mr. Kang unexpectedly gave her a tight hug. “Princess, always be nice to your parents, okay?”

_Why does he have to call me “princess” too? He usually called Seulgi Unnie that._

Then she introduced herself to Wendy’s parents. “Oh, Yeri, you don’t know how much your Wendy Unnie loved you. She talked about you often. It’s nice to finally meet you.”

_And I’m meeting them on the most awkward day in history. Probably._

After lingering for another few minutes, she left the room and went to the bathroom. There on the sink, she pretended to wash her clean hands and just stared at herself in the mirror. She examined her round eyes, the mole on her nose, the mole on her cheek… Scrutinizing her all-black dress, she thought, _What a strange day…,_ silently hoping none of this was real.

Into the dining area, where the mourners and visitors could stop by to eat on low tables and chat with other mourners, Yeri found her older cousin Soo-Young eating soup with a crew-cut guy in a black suit with a black-and-white striped band on his arm.

“Oh hello, Oppa, I haven’t seen you in ages,” Yeri greeted the man eating with Soo-Young. She then sat beside her cousin on the floor. Right before them was a rather handsome and manly version of their beloved Seulgi Bear—same eyes, same smile, even the same kind disposition—very similar yet slightly different. “I’ve said this before, but you really look good in that haircut. And you look like you’ve been working out, huh?”

Light small talk just could not be helped in events like this. It was like the most awkward family reunions where you’re forced to socialize with all the people you barely know in one big event. For anyone who was no social butterfly, it could possibly be torture.

“You look like you’ve grown a bit taller yourself, kid.” He sounded a lot like Seulgi too, if her voice was pitched down a couple of steps.

“Are you back for good?”

“No, my two years aren’t up yet. They gave me a furlough, because, well, you know…” What he just did with his mouth—was that a smile, or what? Even Yeri could not tell. “I have to send off little Wendy and my little idiot sister.” He paused to swallow. “I’ll head back immediately after that.”

“Oh, okay.” _He’s probably upset. He hasn’t seen those two sisters of his since his conscription. It must have been a surprise for him._

Now it was back to an awkward silence. _Why are funerals such an awkward-fest? Ugh, I hate this place._

“So… is Joohyun Unnie coming today?” Yeri asked her cousin.

“She came earlier and immediately left,” Soo-Young said while rubbing the dark circles under her eyes. “I feel bad for her. She still has classes to attend, yet seems to be having a difficult time keeping herself together.”

Yeri sighed. _Joohyun Unnie_ _was the one who kept holding on to the hope that they_ _would be rescued. I guess now she has no choice but to finally accept it. It must have been hard for her, especially since a guy she knew just committed suicide not long ago. Now she has to deal with this._

“So, um, h-how about you?” she asked her cousin. She did not want to seem like she was prying, but she asked anyway. “How are you holding up?”

Soo-Young looked down on her plate. “Barely.”

Yeri stared off the distance. _Soo-Young Unnie is probably still scarred after that tragedy. I can only imagine a little bit of the horror she had been through. Maybe I will never truly understand her side of this awful story, or anyone else’s for that matter…_

_…but…_

_…I at least can understand mine._

On the way out after eating a humble meal, Yeri bravely walked up to Seulgi’s and Wendy’s parents. “There’s something I think I want to do. If that’s alright with you all.”

“What is it, Yeri?”

***

It was not easy. Joohyun had gone to the memorial during her early lunch break because she had no other spare time. She still had to study for her finals. Nevertheless, after seeing the girls’ photographed faces framed in wood and glass with black ribbons lacing the top, she could not hold in the sorrow deep within her heart. She even cried on Seulgi’s mother’s shoulder while she was there. She also saw Wendy’s parents for the very first time that day and felt so much sympathy for them. What would it have been like for them to lose their precious daughters? She could only imagine. That day was even worse than Bogum’s funeral.

During the following lectures that same day, she stayed at the very back of the auditorium trying to hold back the cries that were drowning her and wanting to burst forth. A few minutes into the lecture, she silently left and wept in the bathroom for about 30 minutes.

Then she ended up going home instead of going back to finish the 2-hour lecture. There in her room she had curled up in a ball once more, trying to give herself even the littlest of that unobtainable comfort. Her body trembled uncontrollably as she tightly held Ryan in her arms, squeezing his fluffy body and molding him into her chest. Her tears rained down on his blue hoodie, yet he seemed apathetic about it. As upset as she was, his pokerface did not change to sympathize with her.

But then, she spotted a transparent plastic bag on her desk, slightly being swayed by the breeze from her open window. She stood up to take a look, still clutching the lion-bear in her right arm. The bag of assorted chocolate bonbons she had bought on a whim the other day was just sitting there on her table, and it seemed to be beckoning her to come closer.

 _“It’s a power pill. It gives you super powers,”_ she remembered Seulgi say.

_“If you believe it makes you stronger then it will…”_

_“When you’re tired and having a hard time, eat it, and it will give you strength.”_

Joohyun chuckled for a bit while drying the continuing streams from her face. _I don’t know where that silly bear got those ideas from._ A candy that gave super powers—it was ridiculous and yet the way she had said it back then was too cute to dismiss. _Seulgi has said plenty of silly things._

She then unwrapped a piece and placed the chocolate in her mouth. When she looked at the foil, she realized it wasn’t the same one Seulgi had given her back then.

_Dark chocolate… the flavor is a bit bitter, isn’t it?_

***

“Joohyun Unnie…”

The night drew on after another sorrowful day of crying herself to sleep. In the shadows tainted with the dimmest light, a figure lying beside her shifted to face her for a final glance, staring deep into her soul with the kindest mono-lid eyes. Once the sun breaks through the dark night, this dream—this apparition will most likely fade with the dawn too.

“Seulgi…?” Joohyun, half asleep, half awake, slowly focused her vision through the blur. The gentle face painted by the light seeping through the window gave a wry smile. Those familiar round cheeks and kind slit eyes aroused feelings of comfort and assurance—feelings Joohyun had not felt in what seemed like an eternity.

“Unnie, I’m sorry. I didn’t want to make you cry.”

“S-seulgi…” Joohyun slurred. Her hand reached for the girl’s plump cheeks and gently caressed it with her fingers. It all felt too real. Seulgi was right here and tangible, making the all sadness from the past month vanish from her memories. Her hand lingered on that peachy soft skin, wanting that tender feeling beneath her palm to last. With a soft whisper, Joohyun said, “I love you, Seulgi. I miss you.”

“You’ll keep smiling for me, won’t you? You’re really pretty when you smile.”

“Seulgi, my angel… Don’t leave me, please...” But the sweet little baby bear was fading away. And she had no power to stop her from dissipating into the ray of light.

“Just keep your promises to me okay?” Seulgi’s voice echoed. “And please smile. I love you, Joohyun Unnie.”

When Joohyun finally came to her waking consciousness, the lit up space on her bed was empty, replaced by longing and heartache. This was the third dream she had of Seulgi since she found out about the salvage of the bodies. In these dreams Seulgi always told her to smile or even the words _“You’ll remember that I really do love you, won’t you?”_ Whether it was actually Seulgi’s spirit reaching out to her or just her grieving mind playing tricks on her, she wanted to hold on to those dreams. It was the only way she could see her baby bear again. Unfortunately, it was only a dream. In the real world, the bear who held onto her tiny hand so tightly, the bear who held her close and engulfed her in warmth and comfort was no longer there. Before she knew it, she was drowning in her overflowing grief again. 

Unable to fall back asleep, the lone girl pressed the power button of her phone, flashing a glaring light right to her face. It was early dawn, around 4 a.m. Looking over the date, she realized— _today is the third day._

On the third day, the bodies were neatly prepared for the burial and were placed in coffins. In a final ceremony, the covered coffins were displayed for final messages and eulogies, before solemnly carried out and transported to the burial site.  _It was the third and final day. The last day of the funeral. The day they send Seulgi and Wendy farther past the Milky Way—farther away from her, until they were out of reach._

That afternoon, Seulgi’s father stood up to speak in commemoration of his one and only daughter. He told of the day she was born and of how pure and innocent she was as she grew up. He told of her kind and gentle spirit, despite not being the best in school. It was clear that he truly loved his “princess” for who she was no matter what.

Then Wendy’s father also stood to speak of their wonderful daughter Wendy. Wendy was always a hard worker and always the top of her class. Although the lass had been through dark and painful times, she had overcome her losses and came out strong with dreams of becoming a renowned pastry chef. And she truly cared for the people she loved too. The man could barely speak clear sentences, but how devastated could a man be, after losing not just one, but two daughters?

Finally, there was one last speaker.

A young girl of thirteen came up front, holding a piece of paper in her hand. Looking over the crowd, her heart was beating on overdrive. But no matter how nervous she felt at this moment in front of all these people, she knew she had to do this. _The moment of truth._ She had stayed up all night trying to compose this perfect eulogy—this perfect dedication—as a final goodbye to her beloved _unnies_. It was to bring herself to a closure, and to give others that same closure as well. And so, the final speaker, Kim Yerim, stood there with her hand trembling as she held the microphone, mustering all the courage to deliver the final message.

“Wendy Unnie once told me, ‘S-some good things in life are like a… a candy. When you put it in your mouth, it’s s-sweet, and it brings you happiness, but after a while… it… melts away.’” She almost choked up trying to force the words out. She took a deep breath and exhaled to relieve herself. Then she continued, “I didn’t like it when she told me that analogy. Until n-now, it hurts me to think about it—about something good that disappears eventually. Nonetheless, those words she had once told me was true, and I n-never stopped thinking about it, because I am scared of losing the things I love—the people I love.

“Wendy Unnie and Seulgi Unnie are two unnies I love very much. Both of them taught me a lot and took good care of me like a real sister, and so I’d like to think of myself as their younger sibling as well. And not just me, but Soo-Young Unnie too, thought of them as family and had even been in that same final school trip with them. Sadly, the unnies had to go and leave us behind. I don’t want them to go as much as any of you here would, but I guess it is their time to go, just as we all have our own time to leave this earth as well.”

Soo-Young turned to Joohyun standing beside her and held the smaller _unnie_ tightly in her long arms as Joohyun buried her face in her chest.

“I know they were both still very young and it is such a terrible loss... but I know I won’t ever f-forget them or lose them,” Yeri continued, dabbing a napkin under her eye. “B-because just like the next t-thing Wendy Unnie told me, even if the candy melts, they’ll always be in here—in my heart. I… I will _always_ love them. Truly. Though I never fully expressed it to them while they were still here; though they cannot be here by my side anymore and laugh and play with me; in my heart, there they will stay in that special place, forever. And I hope you will all remember them too as two beautiful girls with two beautiful hearts.”

Joohyun and Soo-Young held each other tightly, hearing Yeri speak with the very words they needed to hear. Losing Seulgi and Wendy was painful—painful indeed. But the two girls’ impact on them can never be taken away even by death. And though it tore their hearts to shreds, they had to keep going.

After all final words were said, the two coffins were carried out to the black limousines by their close family members—like actual princesses in palanquin-like beds. Traditionally, Koreans would have the sons or grandsons of the deceased carry the coffin, but for this ceremony their fathers, uncles, and even Seulgi’s brother and Soo-Young’s father helped carry the coffins to the limousines. Seulgi’s mother carried Seulgi’s framed photograph, while Wendy’s mother carried Wendy’s. They both led the procession into the limousine. Everyone else was behind, lamenting in grief. Joohyun, Soo-Young, and Yeri stuck close to each other, following the procession out.

The other guests who had come to pay respects stayed there, but the immediate family and closest friends of the twin girls climbed aboard a small bus that would transport them to the graves. There on that final site, the people in the two girls’ intimate circle watched them both being laid down to rest in a special place where all the other students aboard the _Eunhasoo_ were buried. On that final somber ceremony underneath the bright summer sun, they bid their final farewell. In that same plot of land, Kang Seulgi and Wendy Son were laid side by side, just like their promise to each other: they would always stay together _until the end._

 _And so, this is it, huh? Our last goodbye?_ Joohyun stared down on the two girls’ final earthly resting place. Her chest was heavy and gasping for air as another scar was burned in the depths of her broken heart. Never had she felt anything this painful; never had she cried a flood of salty tears on a bright summer day. 

 _If I had known that school trip would end up being our last real goodbye, I would have said and done a lot more to show how much you both really mean to me—how you both had changed me. I still remember it all like yesterday. It feels unreal, saying goodbye thinking I’ll see you both again, but in the end it actually was the last time I got to see you two. It’s sad that I have to deal with losing you both. I don’t know how I can deal with this—_ if _I can deal with this. I really don’t. But it was the two of you who wanted me to keep going, and hoped I wouldn’t give up, so I’ll keep going… I’ll keep going…_

She held Soo-Young and Yeri in both arms, both also lost in their sadness and cries. _I promise I won’t disappear. I promise to never give up like you both. I promise I won’t end this too soon. I won’t keep myself miserable, and I won’t forget the love you showed me. I’ll take care of Soo-Young. I’ll stay in touch with Yeri. I’ll live well for you both. And I will_ never ever _forget. I will never forget you two, Seulgi and Wendy. I’ll always remember, and I’ll never forget._

On the bus ride back to the funeral hall, Joohyun, Yeri, and Soo-Young sat at the very back, drying their tears. The eldest sat in the middle with the least tears, trying her best to comfort the younger ones despite her own heartache. After a while, when the bus had seemed to have gotten stuck in a traffic jam, Joohyun tapped Soo-Young, who was staring out the window.

“Give me your hand.”

“What?” the tall girl with teary eyes and tomato red nose stared at her, slightly confused.

The eldest then took Soo-Young’s nearest hand and lightly placed the most unexpected (well, at least to Soo-Young it was unexpected) thing on her palm—a bonbon wrapped in foil, the exact same one she had used to prank Seulgi and Wendy during April Fools; the exact same one she carried around in her bag and pockets back then. The _unnie_ also took out another one from her black pouch and handed it to Yeri on her left.

“Back then, when I was having a hard time, Seulgi had given me this bonbon, telling me it would give me strength,” Joohyun began.

Soo-Young could not believe her ears. She sat speechless looking up from her palm to meet Joohyun’s gaze.

 “I guess she wanted to cheer me up a little,” Joohyun continued. “And the thing was, it did end up cheering me up, even just a little. Seulgi—she always told me to smile and remember that she was always there for me. In my loneliest times, when I wanted to give up, she told me not to. I’m sure if she was here, she would want you both to cheer up and have strength too, though it may be difficult. I’m just saying, Soo-Young, that though you may feel bad for leaving them in that ship, I hope you know Seulgi or Wendy probably wouldn’t want you to feel that way.” Then she rolled up Soo-Young’s long fingers, wrapping the candy with her hand. “ _Don’t be so hard on yourself for the things you can’t control._ That tragedy was not your fault.”

In spite of the melancholic atmosphere, Soo-Young suddenly chuckled and her grief-stricken face had lit up to a bright smile as if she had remembered a dumb inside joke from long ago.

“I think she’s gone completely crazy,” Yeri mumbled in Joohyun’s ear, wondering why her cousin was laughing at such an awkward moment.

“Actually,” Soo-Young said, staring down on the chocolate sweet with a smile. “That _power pill_ —the candy that gives strength—that was my idea. Seulgi Unnie must have stolen that idea from me and used it on you, Unnie.”

“What? Really?”  _So Seulgi’s weird quotes were actually from Soo-Young all along?_

“Yeah. I guess the dumb bear really learned a thing or two from me. I feel proud all of a sudden,” Soo-Young said in a light-hearted note, feeling rather nostalgic as she unwrapped the candy in foil. “And I guess you’re right, Joohyun Unnie. I’ve been feeling guilty all this time, but Seulgi Unnie and Wendy Unnie definitely would not want me to stay upset like this.”

“Yeah, I’m sure your two unnies would want you to stay strong. ” Then Joohyun turned to Yeri, “And I am sure they are very proud _you_ made that speech earlier, _especially Wendy_.”

“They’d be teasing me if they did hear that,” Yeri light-heartedly scoffed. A few more tears had slipped down her face. It was true that she would miss annoying and frustrating her _unnies_ as much as she would miss being teased by them.

Holding up the brown ball of chocolatey goodness, Soo-Young leaned closer to the other two. “Cheers to Seulgi Unnie and Wendy Unnie for being great friends.”

So then, Joohyun unwrapped another piece and held it up. Yeri also did the same.

“Cheers.” All three placed the sweet in their mouths at the same time.

“We won’t forget them,” Soo-Young said, focusing on the melting chocolate in her mouth.

Joohyun then held both the younger girls’ hands. “We’ll always remember and never forget.”

Though their hearts were drenched in pain and tears falling like the madness of pouring rain; with the perfect blend of sweetness and bitterness of nostalgia melting in their mouths in an indescribable flavour; they knew—their precious candies, the ones they treasured with all their hearts—would remain in their hearts, forever.

 


	24. Epilogue

#  **XX**

 

**Epilogue**

 

_Weeks Later_

It was dark; then it was blindingly bright again. Trees and posts zoomed past the window at a dizzying speed. Scene after scene, view after view, changed after lapses of darkness, as the train passed through tunnel after tunnel in a few minutes’ time frame. If anyone looked at life through this fast-forward motion it would all surely be one big headache. One moment skyscrapers draped the city screen, the next it was a scenic mountain view with little civilization in sight. Rice fields stretching miles after miles would quickly pass, and before anyone knew, another city with huge signboards and tall institutions and running cars sprouted out of nowhere.

 **Baby Chick:** “Traitors!!! You’re both leaving me at the same time ㅜㅜㅜㅜㅜㅜ”

Joohyun pursed her lips looking down her phone screen.

 **Squirtle Yerm:** “I thought we talked about this. No more crying.”

 **Baby Chick:** “As usual, you’re the coldblooded creature that you really are.”

After Joohyun’s first semester in Seoul had finally ended, and before Yeri had to leave for London, the trio (well, it would feel a little strange to call them the “new” triad so…) had one last hang out together at Han River. It did not seem much of a hang out to Joohyun as it seemed more like a babysitting-slash-counselling activity for children still coping with grief, but it was a time well spent.

“Guys,” Yeri spoke up while sitting on the grass, eating a corndog. “When I leave for London, no crying, okay? I’m not dying or anything. Well, hopefully not.”

“If you’re suggesting you’ll be in a plane crash, it’s not funny, Yeri.” Soo-Young had become a lot more sensitive about comments like that since she was rescued.

“I didn’t say that, gosh, get a grip.”

“Okay, okay, that is enough,” said the eldest, breaking them off with her arms like a boxing referee. “Next topic!”

“No, look, you guys.” Yeri was not finished yet. “I really want to start over when I move to London. Sure, I’ll miss you both, but it likely won’t hurt as much as… you know…”

“Yes, we know.” Joohyun nodded with a hint of melancholy in her eyes. 

“Yeah…,” she tried to say as placidly as she could to keep her voice from breaking, yet the sorrow was just impossible to hide. “Just like what Wendy Unnie told me, I won’t really lose you guys either. I’ll always remember you both too. And besides, we’ll keep in touch. So... we’ll see each other again, okay? No crying?”

Then there were soft sounds of sniffing in Soo-Young’s corner of their little triangle. The other two turned their attention to her, catching her wipe a stray tear that had trickled down her nose. “Wow, Yerim, is that really you talking? Aww, baby Yeri is finally growing up!” The cousin _unnie_ then flung her long arms at her and gave her a tight squeeze.

While the cousins were being all touchy-feely with each other, Joohyun awkwardly cleared her throat. “And uh, I haven’t really told you guys this, but I’m going back to Daegu on the day Yeri leaves for London too.”

“What?!” That high-pitched burst of pure shock pierced through their eardrums. Soo-Young’s big round eyes looked fiery, like she was suddenly shot with betrayal. Even the eldest was intimidated.

“I’m just staying in Daegu for a month or so to visit my family. Don’t freak out too much.”

“But still…” Soo-Young puckered her lips and pulled out strands of grass in frustration. “You’re saying I have to stay here and attend ‘special summer make-up class’ and I don’t even get to see you? It’s bad enough I don’t have Yeri and the other two unnies…”

“I’m sorry, Soo-Young, but I have a family too and they’re waiting for me,” Joohyun frowned as she patted the girl’s back. “I’ll come back though, and we can see each other as often as you want next semester. I won’t be gone for too long. I’ll send you messages as often as I can.”

 

And now, just as she said, Joohyun was in a train bound for Daegu, watching the two cousins’ exchange in their new threesome chatroom. There she found herself in tears again. This semester had been one hell of a ride. Thinking back, it had all passed too quickly. Nevertheless, this rollercoaster-ride of a season had been the most unforgettable season of her life. At the end of it, Yeri ended up leaving for London, Soo-Young attended specialized summer classes for the survivours of the _Eunhasoo Tragedy,_ and Joohyun headed back to Daegu to be with her family.

Meanwhile, the very person who insisted in “no crying” began to tear up as soon as her bottom touched the cold economy seat of their booked airline. Out the window, Yeri pretended to be fascinated by the airport crew tossing boxes and luggage after luggage from a carrier truck onto a conveyor-belt ramp—loading aircraft cargo into a different plane. The truth was, she just did not want her mother to notice her wet eyes. She made sure her face was completely turned to the window. When the final moments before the deafening high-speed take-off began, she held onto her Squirtle plushie (the one Seulgi had given her) tightly and closed her eyes. _Goodbye, Korea. See you again someday._

For a while, Soo-Young’s life had sort of reverted back to the same old boring summer of her first days in Ansan. She stayed in her house all alone with no one to talk to, just staring out the window to the neighbour’s house, listening to nature’s lively summer track. It was boring and rather depressing, but she learned to get by.

When the school had finally reopened for the surviving students, it was one significant, melancholic event. Students had walked in a procession into the school gates to be greeted by hundreds of parents embracing them into their arms. It was disheartening to see only a few had remained, and all the other friends they used to greet upon coming in to school were now gone. And though not all had been completely wiped out by the ocean waters, the remaining faces were far from smiling. Needless to say, it was another tearful event. The days after were spent studying in a gradual pace, with plenty of help from psychological therapists dealing with trauma and tragedies. 

In Daegu, Joohyun found that her father’s neurological condition had gotten better through physical therapy. Now he was able to communicate with her by slurring in simple terms. One day, while she was telling him stories of this past semester and all the burden-filled hardships and heart-wrenching pain she had faced, her father had looked her in the eyes and slowly, yet successfully, uttered, “You worked hard (수고했어).” And it was true. She did work hard. To hear her father unexpectedly say it with all the effort he could muster—nothing could have been more touching. She got through a difficult time. She should be more proud of herself.

As time passed, everyone slowly learned to get by, despite the glaring changes. It still wasn’t easy though, especially when a certain object, a certain view, a certain sound or song would trigger vivid memories back to life. And the empty spaces that those friends used to fill... they still left a gaping hole in people’s broken hearts. The distraught nation was not completely over the disaster. The _Eunhasoo_ would still appear in the news from time to time as other missing bodies continue to be found and more details of the sinking were uncovered. The ghost of a tragedy this big and controversial would most likely loom over a heartbroken generation for a long time. Like keeping dusty memorabilia in the back of cupboards, they would take it out for dusting and admire it for a second before keeping it back in its little corner. And so for a long time, they do remember, or at least they try. 

*

*

*

*

_Four Years Later_

“Thank you, enjoy the book.”

Bae Joohyun had been signing a hundred or so books for almost 2 hours now. Her neck had turned a little stiff and her hips were slightly numb from sitting straight on the chair the bookstore had provided, yet the friendly greeting of book-buyers went on. She had received a few comments from readers, saying “I was moved to tears,” and “Thank you very much for writing this.” And she was truly grateful. Truly grateful. It was the first book she had ever published—a book with a story that she held close to her heart.

In the final minutes of her book-signing, fewer people had come to her desk. While there were no more customers, she relaxed a bit on her chair and closed her eyes. Bending her neck to the left and then to the right never felt so good. Before she could open her eyes, a loud slam on her desk induced a sudden squeak to escape from her very surprised reflexes. Some people browsing through the shelves briefly turned their attention to her.

Looking up at the towering customer, she breathed a sigh of relief. Then, with a threatening glare, she said in a low whisper, “Soo-Young, you scared me!”

Park Soo-Young—now somehow even taller than before, with longer dark hair, lips painted a bright red, and a gorgeously fit and curvy body—was still annoyingly as mischievous as she had always been. Upon seeing the priceless expression of shock on Joohyun’s face, she let out that “witch-like psychotic laugh” that poor Seulgi used to fear. “Miss Bae Joohyun _Author-nim_ (작가님), I’m here to get my copy signed.”

The pissed off Joohyun could not really give the girl the punishment she deserved right at this moment, so on the flyleaf page, she wrote, “You’ll pay for that later Park Soo-Young.” Then she drew her signature below it and a drawing of an angry face.

When Soo-Young read the note, she chortled once more. “I actually already paid.” She held up a receipt. “Though I will most likely _not_ read this, I’ll support you by buying anyway!” (And she was serious about not reading it.)

Joohyun rolled her eyes. “Thanks…”

Soo-Young stayed in the bookstore with Joohyun until the signing was over. After wrapping up, Joohyun went to the basement carpark with her younger friend. Unlocking her sleek, black sedan, the two of them opened the doors and settled themselves in.

“So how’s Yeri?” Joohyun asked as she slipped off her pointy black heels and slipped on a comfy pair of furry purple slides. “She just arrived from London yesterday, didn’t she? She’s staying at your house?”

“Yeah, and she went out to meet her friends the first thing this morning. She’s only staying for the rest of the summer so she’ll have a few weeks or so here. She just arrived and she’s been itching to do a lot of things already. I don’t know where she gets the energy.”

Joohyun switched on the engine and began to drive out of the carpark.

“How old is she again?”

“She’s seventeen now.”

“Wow.” The driving unnie came to a turn and was eventually out of the underground parking. Squinting after being greeted by the bright summer sun, she pulled down the sunshield above her. “When I first met her, she was totally a kid. Now she’s seventeen?”

“Yeah, she’s now in high school, and now I’m studying in university… And you’re now a lot older.”

“Twenty-five isn’t old!”

“Well, you’re older than you once were. Plus, you’re now a journalist _and_ a book author. But most importantly, you no longer have that funny accent.”

With a full Daegu accent, she exclaimed, “You thought my _accent_ was _funny_?!”

“Never mind. It’s still there…”

When they arrived at their destination, the two walked down a familiar street—a street they knew all too well. Down a little further, they saw the familiar bakery with the red sign—but with a different name. _Little Wendy’s Red Bakeshop._ (Chef Taeyeon had decided to change the name years ago in dedication to the little employee with big dreams. Now at least, one of those lost dreams were fulfilled.)

“It still feels surreal every time I look at this,” Soo-Young remarked, staring up the signboard before entering the same glass door from before.

“Yeah,” Joohyun exhaled.

When they entered the shop, the design and layout had changed a little, replaced by more modern displays and a framed photograph of Chef Taeyeon with none other than Wendy Son. The caption directly below states, _“Future Baker.”_ The shop had hired new employees as well; Joohyun was no longer standing behind the counter. Looking toward the small dining area still located by the airy glass window, they found a girl with blonde-dyed hair of about high school age already eating some brownies.

“There’s Yeri,” Soo-Young pointed, in case Joohyun would not recognize her. The older girl hadn’t seen the kid in years (except maybe in photographs and video chat). “My gosh, she just came yesterday and now she dyed her hair already?”

“Oh, hey!” The teenage girl stood up from her seat with brownie crumbs still trailing her lips. She then met Joohyun halfway, giving her a big, warm hug. “Joohyun Unnie! I missed you _SO_ much! You look exactly the same! Still very pretty!”

“Not true, this old granny got a few lines around her eyes right here.” Soo-Young pointed to the sides of her eyes while leaning down closer to look at Joohyun’s face.

“What?! No, I did not! And who’re you calling granny?!” Joohyun retorted in outrage.

“Just kidding,” Soo-Young mischievously giggled.

Yeri also stared at the eldest’s face. “Seriously though, you look exactly the same. Black hair and pale pretty face and all. It’s so nice to see you again!”

“Yes, it’s great to see you again too. And um… you’ve grown… taller,” Joohyun muttered the last part, seeing that the once shorter girl was now around the same height as her—maybe even slightly taller (and she sure hoped not!).

After grabbing some bread and paying at the counter, the two older girls sat with Yeri at the small dining area. There on the table, the writer laid a copy of her book with an illustration of a blue umbrella. Then she pushed it to the younger girl across her. “It’s my welcome back gift.”

“Ooooh, a book! _One Rainy Spring Day_ by Bae Joohyun—a totally unknown author,” Yeri teased. Joohyun rolled her eyes again. With a nasal snicker, the teen added, “It’s signed too. Nice. I’ll read it well!”

“I know you would.”

“Of course, I would,” Yeri said, already flipping through the pages. “This is about _them_ , right?”

“Yes.”

Then she read through one of the first pages, _“Dedicated to Baby Bear, Baker Queen, Baby Chick, and Little Squirtle; all their friends and family; and all the lost stars out in the sea…”_ Yeri suddenly froze; her eyes shot to Joohyun. “You’re not going to make me cry with this one, are you?”

“That’s exactly why I won’t read it,” Soo-Young said after swallowing a mouthful of her red velvet cupcake. “I still get triggered sometimes. But I probably will try to read it someday when I’m ready. Will I _ever_ be ready though?”

“Psh… don’t believe that liar; she never reads books whether it’s triggering her or not,” Yeri scoffed.

“Not true! You don’t know what it’s like for me! I—”

Before Soo-Young could fully retaliate, Joohyun already stopped her like a referee again. “Okay… let’s not start that again. Try to be a little more sensitive, Yeri.” It was like they were never separated for four years.

An hour and a half flew by without even being noticed. The three girls talk on and on, catching up, reminiscing, and even throwing impish jabs at each other with their words. Joohyun smiled seeing them like this. It was the closest she ever got to reliving those final moments of spring four years ago—the days when the season was about to transition to summer—before the waterworks all came crashing down. The nostalgia felt surreal.

“I heard in the news that the ferry was finally raised last year,” Yeri said on a more serious note.

“Yeah. After it was raised, Seulgi’s parents went to see it. Though I didn’t go myself, it was an emotional experience just seeing it on TV. Though last year, I went to a memorial service in at Jindo commemorating the sad event, and I just started bawling while looking out to the ocean.” And just now, her eyes were welling up with tears again. “I’m sorry. I still get all emotional when I remember. When I remember, the most painful memories are still very crystal clear too.”

“Well, about remembering…” Joohyun glanced over at her phone. “We all know the plan today. We should probably head on out. Soo-Young, you got _the stuff_ , right?”

“It’s here in my bag,” Soo-Young answered while fanning her face with her hands after that emotional rush.

“Okay, let’s go.”

Back on the road during the slowest moments of rush hour, Yeri began playing a shuffled playlist of her new favorite girl group in Joohyun’s car through Bluetooth.

Song: 사탕 (Candy) by Red Velvet

_“Whenever I look back, you’re all I think of_

_If you don’t hold my hand, what would become of me?_

_This day that allowed me to cry in distress_

_Is also beautiful...”_

 

“Gosh… I just love this song…” Soo-Young said, trying not to fall apart again, but obviously failing.

“Who is this group?” Just like a grandma, Joohyun absolutely had no idea whose B-side track this song was.

“It’s Red Velvet, you old person.”

“Oh, yeah... They’re pretty hot nowadays, right?”

“Maybe you should get back at being an intern in a radio station again and refresh your knowledge in pop culture,” Yeri chuckled.

A bunch of detours and a good long hour and a half later, they were finally nearing their destination. Stepping out of the car, the three of them breathed the dewy evening air. Out here away from the city, a soft symphony of chirping crickets, buzzing cicadas, and rustling leaves provided a soothing effect to the even more soothing evening view. Just like that summer day four years ago, the greens were lush, and the air was warm. But unlike that day, a line of puffy _orange_ clouds mingled with the deep _blue_ sky as the sun was getting ready to leave for the horizon.

Joohyun pressed the button on her car key, locking the car. “Let’s go.”

The trio headed into the enclosed grassy park, where they had to keep walking before reaching their ultimate destination. Deep into the special memorial park were small grey stone markers with names and dates engraved. Flowers—and others even candles and letters—lay on the flat stones, left by the loved ones of the distraught.

“Wow, I haven’t been here since… _that very day_ ,” Yeri said. Her voice had turned sombre and a lot lower due to the sudden discomfort rising in her throat. With no warning, memories came rushing back like it was all yesterday, flooding her very eyes. That day four years ago, when everyone wore black on the sunniest of days... yeah, she could picture it all so clearly in her head.

“We try to visit as often as we can,” Joohyun told her as she held the younger girl closer with her arm over her shoulder. “They’re not very far from here.”

A few more steps and finally, down on the ground before them were two tombstones resting side by side. They were surrounded by flowers too, just like the others. _It’s been a while, Seulgi and Wendy._ The trio stood there looking down to greet their two old friends. Then Joohyun turned to Soo-Young and cocked a brow.

“Right…” The tallest opened up her handbag, took out two pieces of chocolate bonbons, and placed them on each stone.

Joohyun also took out another signed copy of her book and placed it on the little space between them. “This is for you,” she breathed. “I wrote it all for you both. And for me and everyone else too.”

“You know, for the first time, it’s just like there’s five of us again,” Yeri said in a low whisper, her wide-eyed gaze not leaving the two rectangular stones.

“Yeah…”

 _What would they both have become today?_ Joohyun wondered. _Would Seulgi have successfully passed her college entrance exams and study hard in university like she so desired?_ Then she chuckled to herself. _No doubt. The girl always had great determination and a lot of potential. And of course, we all know Wendy would still be working hard at perfecting her baking skills._

_I... truly miss them. The girls of my youth, the girls that held me close and loved and cherished me even more than the most precious of diamonds... Though our time was short, nothing could compare._

In Soo-Young’s corner, sniffs and sobs were heard once more. “I really miss you guys!” And before they knew it, all of them poured out their tears together as five once again like the sudden passing of a summer rain shower. Though time passed and seasons changed, their cherished memories brighter than the rising sun; and precious friendship held more dearly than any sparkling gem; will remain in their hearts always and forevermore—never to be forgotten.

~끝~

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading! ^^


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